As a parent, I feel strongly about...

[Anonymous]

Not reading parenting books.

[Anonymous]

making my kids use their privileges (white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, attractive, UMC, well-educated, smart, athletic) for good. It goes beyond not being bullies - they have to be actively anti-bullying. They have to stand up for kids, fight for what's right, and never sit back and watch someone do something bad to someone else. I tell them that their lives are going to be easy so they need to be willing to do hard things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Setting a good example for my children in everything I do. I want them to grow up in a happy home with loving parents, model good behavior and show them you can have a career but not at the expense of being a great mom and wife. It’s not easy!

I love this! My mom modeled this for me and I (hopefully) am modeling it for my daughters as well. If they choose to stay at home with their kids I have no problem with that, but I want them to see what the option looks like if they have a career and also choose to be moms. Their dad is an amazing example of what they should look for in a husband, and my dad was as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel strongly about antiracist school integration -- intentionally choosing a school in which my white, middle class kid is not in the majority, choosing not to hoard opportunity by requesting to transfer to certain schools/get certain teachers/apply for special programs/get tested for gifted and talented, etc. It's been a journey to get to this point, after a few years of navigating the school lottery systems, boundary discussions, and ugly conversations about "good" and "bad" schools, but I finally feel like now our family is living our values.

That seems strange. Being anti racist, who could be against that.

But why would you not apply for special programs for your kids? Or have them tested for gifted programs? That means their education won't be as good as it can be. That makes no sense, why would a parent do that to a child?

Because those programs disproportionately serve white and affluent students, and lead directly to within-school segregation. I agree with the Brown ruling that separate is inherently unequal. I don't think a systematically segregated school experience is better for my child. I don't want them growing up thinking that Black and Brown kids are less than because there are fewer of them in the special classes and programs. I want them to have the opportunity to form genuine relationships with people who are not just like themselves, and school is a perfect place to do that.

And also, I don't believe that America can have a functioning, multiracial democracy unless we have integrated schools and meaningful, cross-racial and cross-class friendships a d relationships.

I appreciate everything you are saying. However, do you ever feel like you are just crying into the ocean? In other words, that all your efforts will be for naught because not enough people make the same choices you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely feel strongly about giving my children the best possible start in life. DH and I give up a great deal for that

Fascinating that when asked to prioritize parenting values someone actually spells this out. I actually believe the exact opposite. I think it’s immoral to put all your efforts into giving your child(ren) advantages above as many of their peers as possible. I think it’s the root of so much evil as it perpetuates a society where so many people suffer and are then BLAMED for their own suffering. It’s beyond gross to me that this is considered a value.

LOVING my children and ensuring they feel as though they are the most loved creatures on the planet is of upmost importance to me but beyond that I simply want to make sure they feel secure that we will meet their most basic needs, establish broadly healthy foundations and create joy in their childhood. I think the mentality of hiring teachers from birth ( ) and providing every advantage money can buy is toxic.

I find this to be very odd, almost hypocritical. I want my kids to know that my husband and I love them no matter what, but they are NOT the most-loved creatures on the planet because they aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. Even in our world, they don't rule our lives. We spend time away from them, our needs also matter, etc. I find it odd that you think giving your children advantages is immoral, but teaching them that they're the most-loved creatures on the planet is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ooh I love this question. Thanks for making me think about this, OP. I have a few ranging from really tactical to overarching themes:

- the importance of regular and early bedtimes. Our kids are still little (4, 1 1/2) and they go to bed at 7 and 6:30, respectively.
- that feelings are for feeling and aren’t good or bad, just comfortable and uncomfortable. I have so much more empathy after sitting with my spirited DD and her many many feelings. She is far more emotionally literate than I was as a kid. It took a lot of therapy to feel my own feelings.
- that our kids are good kids, even when they make mistakes or have hard days
- education, or perhaps more specifically, in the value of learning and curiosity.
- that my kids recognize their white and socioeconomic privilege. We talk about things we have,vWhy we have them (being fortunate, not lucky or hard working), racism, sexism, talk about families with less (donations etc). Would love ideas here since our kids are still little.
- telling your kids how much you love them all the time and being excited when you are reunited (school, play date etc)
- in open ended play and minimal organized activities ... the world moves so fast and kids grow so quickly. I want to preserve as much of that 90s kid experience as possible. This means we also limit news talk (our oldest doesn’t know who Trump is, for example).
- kindness. We describe this as “looking out for each other” and model it and talk about it.
- body autonomy and comfort in talking about body parts / consent. I was abused as a child and will do all I can to help my kids either avoid the situation (best case) or at least be able to talk about it if anything happens (worst case).
- and I’m sure I’ll get flamed here but I have strong beliefs about sleep training that involves letting your kids cry. My kids are great sleepers and we taught them to sleep by being there every time they needed us. We don’t have bedtime battles. One slept through the night around 4 months, the other was about a year.

This was fun. Nice to reflect on who you strive to be as a parent every now and then.

Same here. My girls both slept 12 hours by 12 weeks and were never once left to cry in their cribs. You can say that I have two unicorns, but I think it was due to a strict schedule where we spread feeding times out in small increments and always comforted them. It was a lot of work but it worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel strongly about antiracist school integration -- intentionally choosing a school in which my white, middle class kid is not in the majority, choosing not to hoard opportunity by requesting to transfer to certain schools/get certain teachers/apply for special programs/get tested for gifted and talented, etc. It's been a journey to get to this point, after a few years of navigating the school lottery systems, boundary discussions, and ugly conversations about "good" and "bad" schools, but I finally feel like now our family is living our values.

That seems strange. Being anti racist, who could be against that.

But why would you not apply for special programs for your kids? Or have them tested for gifted programs? That means their education won't be as good as it can be. That makes no sense, why would a parent do that to a child?

Because those programs disproportionately serve white and affluent students, and lead directly to within-school segregation. I agree with the Brown ruling that separate is inherently unequal. I don't think a systematically segregated school experience is better for my child. I don't want them growing up thinking that Black and Brown kids are less than because there are fewer of them in the special classes and programs. I want them to have the opportunity to form genuine relationships with people who are not just like themselves, and school is a perfect place to do that.

And also, I don't believe that America can have a functioning, multiracial democracy unless we have integrated schools and meaningful, cross-racial and cross-class friendships a d relationships.

I appreciate everything you are saying. However, do you ever feel like you are just crying into the ocean? In other words, that all your efforts will be for naught because not enough people make the same choices you do?

I know sending my child to one school over another will have very little impact. There's nothing magical to the other kids in her class about sitting next to my white kid. But I feel like I always have the choice to participate in any given system of white supremacy or to resist it, so this is one small easy way for me to resist it. If enough parents resisted it, sure, the system would change for everybody. But even if only I resist it, at least the system isn't changing me.

[Anonymous]

DD is 3.

I value living in a diverse community and celebrating different cultures.

Lots of 1:1 adult care and love from birth to 3.

I value a strong bond and connection with both parents. I want her to believe we are her biggest supporters and that we will always be there for her.

I believe strongly that I should get to know who she truly is and try to guide her and nurture qualities and talents that are her passions and strengths.

I believe, and want her to believe that everyone has something special to offer and to notice other's gifts. (I am also afraid of raising a narcissist).

She can chose what's important to her, but I hope that she sees a meaningful life as one where she is helping others (in any way she choses).

Nature and appreciating the arts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh I love this question. Thanks for making me think about this, OP. I have a few ranging from really tactical to overarching themes:

- the importance of regular and early bedtimes. Our kids are still little (4, 1 1/2) and they go to bed at 7 and 6:30, respectively.
- that feelings are for feeling and aren’t good or bad, just comfortable and uncomfortable. I have so much more empathy after sitting with my spirited DD and her many many feelings. She is far more emotionally literate than I was as a kid. It took a lot of therapy to feel my own feelings.
- that our kids are good kids, even when they make mistakes or have hard days
- education, or perhaps more specifically, in the value of learning and curiosity.
- that my kids recognize their white and socioeconomic privilege. We talk about things we have,vWhy we have them (being fortunate, not lucky or hard working), racism, sexism, talk about families with less (donations etc). Would love ideas here since our kids are still little.
- telling your kids how much you love them all the time and being excited when you are reunited (school, play date etc)
- in open ended play and minimal organized activities ... the world moves so fast and kids grow so quickly. I want to preserve as much of that 90s kid experience as possible. This means we also limit news talk (our oldest doesn’t know who Trump is, for example).
- kindness. We describe this as “looking out for each other” and model it and talk about it.
- body autonomy and comfort in talking about body parts / consent. I was abused as a child and will do all I can to help my kids either avoid the situation (best case) or at least be able to talk about it if anything happens (worst case).
- and I’m sure I’ll get flamed here but I have strong beliefs about sleep training that involves letting your kids cry. My kids are great sleepers and we taught them to sleep by being there every time they needed us. We don’t have bedtime battles. One slept through the night around 4 months, the other was about a year.

This was fun. Nice to reflect on who you strive to be as a parent every now and then.

You talk about sexism with a 4 and a 1 1/2 year olds? Oh to be a fly on the wall during those engaged conversations!😅

No. I said it is a parenting value of mine and explicitly asked for guidance since my kids are little. we have been talking about women in political office re: Kamala with my 4 yo (who does not understand what political office means but gets the concept of a line leader from school) She listened and then later asked me what was keeping women out of government, and specifically if there was a wall that made it so they couldn’t get in. She couldn’t imagine why you wouldn’t just walk in and didn’t seem to like my attempt at explaining systems of oppression so she shrugged and said “yeah, probably a wall.” I’m still tickled by that and it gives me hope this next generation is going to be like “burn it down, we got this.”

[Anonymous]

Kindness, being a good person, resiliency, love of reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kindness, being a good person, resiliency, love of reading.

Adding to this, setting an example of equality in gender roles in the household (ie, my children see my husband pulling his weight). I agree with the racism stuff as well but do this also by trying to set an example, provide access to very diverse stories and people etc

[Anonymous]

Instilling the pursuit of education, respect for others, grit, emotional health, and a love of the environment and God. We teach body consent and that you can be friends with all kinds of people. Kids are 4 and 18 months.

I really empathize with the pp who said they were trying NOT to raise a mass shooter. That’s one of my nightmares, too. When DS was three, I was worried that we had failed on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:making my kids use their privileges (white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, attractive, UMC, well-educated, smart, athletic) for good. It goes beyond not being bullies - they have to be actively anti-bullying. They have to stand up for kids, fight for what's right, and never sit back and watch someone do something bad to someone else. I tell them that their lives are going to be easy so they need to be willing to do hard things.

You realize that this is not likely to be true at this point right? Everything is going to be a lot harder for them from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel strongly about antiracist school integration -- intentionally choosing a school in which my white, middle class kid is not in the majority, choosing not to hoard opportunity by requesting to transfer to certain schools/get certain teachers/apply for special programs/get tested for gifted and talented, etc. It's been a journey to get to this point, after a few years of navigating the school lottery systems, boundary discussions, and ugly conversations about "good" and "bad" schools, but I finally feel like now our family is living our values.

That seems strange. Being anti racist, who could be against that.

But why would you not apply for special programs for your kids? Or have them tested for gifted programs? That means their education won't be as good as it can be. That makes no sense, why would a parent do that to a child?

Because those programs disproportionately serve white and affluent students, and lead directly to within-school segregation. I agree with the Brown ruling that separate is inherently unequal. I don't think a systematically segregated school experience is better for my child. I don't want them growing up thinking that Black and Brown kids are less than because there are fewer of them in the special classes and programs. I want them to have the opportunity to form genuine relationships with people who are not just like themselves, and school is a perfect place to do that.

And also, I don't believe that America can have a functioning, multiracial democracy unless we have integrated schools and meaningful, cross-racial and cross-class friendships a d relationships.

I appreciate everything you are saying. However, do you ever feel like you are just crying into the ocean? In other words, that all your efforts will be for naught because not enough people make the same choices you do?

I know sending my child to one school over another will have very little impact. There's nothing magical to the other kids in her class about sitting next to my white kid. But I feel like I always have the choice to participate in any given system of white supremacy or to resist it, so this is one small easy way for me to resist it. If enough parents resisted it, sure, the system would change for everybody. But even if only I resist it, at least the system isn't changing me.

I’m impressed with you. Truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:making my kids use their privileges (white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, attractive, UMC, well-educated, smart, athletic) for good. It goes beyond not being bullies - they have to be actively anti-bullying. They have to stand up for kids, fight for what's right, and never sit back and watch someone do something bad to someone else. I tell them that their lives are going to be easy so they need to be willing to do hard things.

You realize that this is not likely to be true at this point right? Everything is going to be a lot harder for them from now on.

Can you explain more about what you mean by this?