If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not socially aggressive. Maybe your kids are boring.

My daughter will work with one girl on group projects but won't otherwise hang out with her. That girl doesn't go anywhere but school without her entire family, and has zero sense of humor. The girls went to a movie and the mom sat right next to them. That was the last straw for DD. "If I wanted to hang out with a mother, I'd hang out with my own!"

Wow! Your daughter is a bitch. Wonder where she gets it from!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Ok, I'll bite since you don't seem to understand that people are telling the truth about minding their own business and having their own friends.

I can be perceived as a mean mom because I have a well-established group of friends who I enjoy hanging out with and whose kids are my friends' kids. I also have a job, two kids who have lots of activities, and a husband who travels a fair amount for work. The truth is that I have absolutely no bandwidth for any more friends, although I'm happy to say hello to anyone. But on the rare occasions that I come to pick up or go to a school event, I want to talk to my friends, who I miss and feel like I don't see often enough. I don't want to talk to Larla who I don't even know and don't have time to be friends with.

If I seem standoffish, it is because I don't feel like making stupid small talk with someone I don't want to get to know better. At this point in my life, I have enough friends and can't possibly make room for any more. And maybe, yes, you are awkard, or annoying, or have rubbed me the wrong way somehow at some point. Why would we want to get to know each other in this case? Find your own friends who don't find you uninteresting or abrasive, or whatever. Find people who actually want to find friends, not people like me who are up to their ears in life and can't handle one more relationship. I'm positive that I myself have rubbed people the wrong way, or haven't made the best impression and then haven't become friends with them. But guess what? I'm not obsessing over it on DCUM. I've moved on and found my own group of supportive, nice friends.

OP is asking: "too much bandwidth" to say hello like a normal human being? If you see someone often, and know that you go to preschool or whatever, together? Get over yourself. No one is saying they want to be best friends with you. If anything, OP is taken aback at your rudeness, which happens on the regular. The question is: why are you so proud of being rude?

Also, I have another point to make: the people you think are your "close circle of friends" are not - they gossip about you, and you don't even realize it. Ask me how I know. They talk worse about you than you ever gossiped about anyone else. And you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I have given up being the friendly, chatty, welcoming neighbor.

I used to say hi and chit chat at the kids' bus stop. I used to bring a note and a gift basket through our HOA to personally welcome new neighbors. I used to say hello at our kids' sporting events, even start a conversation.
I've even house sat during a funeral, delivered sympathy cards, helped two neighbors pack up and move, hosted impromptu play dates when a parent was unexpectedly unable to get kid from school.

I feel used. Not one of these people I attempted to befriend or displayed general kindness ever responded, or reciprocated or called or I'd guess, appreciated or cared. So, I'm done. There's a neighborhood group like the Club PP mentioned. I'm not a part of it.

And now I'll wave at you as I drive past. Don't know any of the people who have moved in recently.

Am I socially aggressive? Maybe, but providing perspective here. I don't want to bother attempting to establish a friendship when basic kindnesses are dismissed.

Me too, to this entire thread. I’m done. I have a core group of friends I’ve made and I don’t have time or desire for any more. I threw a huge Halloween party every year and realized after year 4 (yes, I can’t believe it took that long either) to realize 75% of the people I only saw at Halloween.
I am not open to making new friends, I’m content with my circle, and probably could be called a mean unfriendly mom because no, I don’t want to be your friend.

But, you could at least be pleasant. I don't think I'd want to be your friend either!

Exactly. I have 3 middle schoolers on 3 travel sports teams and a full time job and husband who travels and I barely make it through many weeks. I really have no time to meet new friends. However, I always say hi to people I pass in hallways, I'm friendly on soccer sidelines, etc. OP is talking about moms who won't acknowledge the existence of other people who they don't deem important enough. And mostly these moms (the socially aggressive ones) have the most free time. They're not socially aggressive because they're busy and harried--quite the opposite.

Yes to all of this! I live in an area of mostly SAHM even to kids in MS and HS. Their behavior is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

I found myself engaging in some not so pleasant behavior when I thought taking some time off work to be a SAHM would be a good idea. In my previous life I just didn’t have time to think about social climbing or making friends w parents at school. When I was at home, although I was very busy I found my mind wandering into this mean mom zone. I went back to work and forgot all about it. There’s always a balance, from my experience many of the wealthy SAHM moms I was surrounded by seems to have at all on the surface but we’re deeply unhappy. They’re just project their own issues.

[Anonymous]

The mean moms can't answer this question because they don't understand themselves. There's a theory that people who tend towards conservative values and need a high degree of social structure also have a low threshold for disgust. These are the people who follow influencers, trends and what authorities tell them to do and be. It's a hard wired condition. If your daughter and you don't follow the rigid social norms (everything from conversation, facial expressions, inflections, dress code, musical tastes) etc, they are uneasy and repelled.
These aren't the people you want to have anywhere near your life. I think it's a psychological condition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found myself engaging in some not so pleasant behavior when I thought taking some time off work to be a SAHM would be a good idea. In my previous life I just didn’t have time to think about social climbing or making friends w parents at school. When I was at home, although I was very busy I found my mind wandering into this mean mom zone. I went back to work and forgot all about it. There’s always a balance, from my experience many of the wealthy SAHM moms I was surrounded by seems to have at all on the surface but we’re deeply unhappy. They’re just project their own issues.

This is a good advice OP; as long as your kid is thriving at school....who cares....you will meet other parents that are more like you. SAHM drama is too much for me and I see it all the time at my DS school. Her mom participates in it and I don't have the bandwidth, since I have to support her kid.

[Anonymous]

Lots of "they must be oblivious" guilt on this thread OP, you struck a nerve.

Too bad you can't name the school. Parents always claim what a welcoming friendly environment their school is, when in reality your OP is likely closer to the truth.

[Anonymous]

One mom...

*Didn't show up to a party that she RSVP'd to and didn't say anything to the host for a week. She was supposed to help the mom throwing the party.

*Made a big deal that she almost "forgot" about a mutual friend's child's party. Only "remembered" when her DC begged her mom to take her that day. Poor kid. She made sure everyone at the party knew this.

*Didn't RSVP for another DC's party (after the RSVP date) but told mom at another party two days before that her DC would be there. Other mom did not prompt her or mention the party. She volunteered this. Texted mom the night before and apologized that her DC wouldn't make it to the party because she had to go to the grocery store that evening.

*We were in the parking lot and there was a meeting point for an activity. I asked mom where the meeting point was. She purposely gave me wrong information. She went in one direction and I went in the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One mom...

*Didn't show up to a party that she RSVP'd to and didn't say anything to the host for a week. She was supposed to help the mom throwing the party.

*Made a big deal that she almost "forgot" about a mutual friend's child's party. Only "remembered" when her DC begged her mom to take her that day. Poor kid. She made sure everyone at the party knew this.

*Didn't RSVP for another DC's party (after the RSVP date) but told mom at another party two days before that her DC would be there. Other mom did not prompt her or mention the party. She volunteered this. Texted mom the night before and apologized that her DC wouldn't make it to the party because she had to go to the grocery store that evening.

*We were in the parking lot and there was a meeting point for an activity. I asked mom where the meeting point was. She purposely gave me wrong information. She went in one direction and I went in the other.

Oh and she volunteered to co-chair a committee with me. She volunteered to put together 20 plus centerpieces for an activity. She told me a week before that she had all the supplies and just needed to put everything together. 3 hours before the centerpieces were supposed to be in place, she told the head that I was coordinating this activity. I confronted her afterwards and she denied ever saying that she'd put together/buy the centerpieces. She said that was always my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mean moms can't answer this question because they don't understand themselves. There's a theory that people who tend towards conservative values and need a high degree of social structure also have a low threshold for disgust. These are the people who follow influencers, trends and what authorities tell them to do and be. It's a hard wired condition. If your daughter and you don't follow the rigid social norms (everything from conversation, facial expressions, inflections, dress code, musical tastes) etc, they are uneasy and repelled.
These aren't the people you want to have anywhere near your life. I think it's a psychological condition.

+1

The mean momishness is absolutely a psychological condition - a personality disorder at best. But it seems that the mean moms pride themselves on their gross behaviors. I am wondering why the mean moms either dislike or gossip about the nice moms, if they supposedly "don't notice them"? They notice the nice moms enough to dislike them or gossip about them, however - wonder how that works. LOL.

Seems like jealousy to me - that, and the mean moms don't like anyone who doesn't march to the mean mom's drum. Bunch of followers, I would hope they would want more for their own children - but their DC are just little minions, like the mean moms themselves. Such crazy behavior replicated throughout the generations.

I also believe that mean moms were treated (or believe that they were treated) pretty horribly throughout most of their lifetime, to be so rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll only add that sometimes if you do get into those circles you’ll want to run for your life. I felt like you did the first year or so I was in a small(er) private school. Over the next year or so I became closer friends with one or two of the moms in that group and was then invited to some of the larger get togethers. I came to find that they were all a little messed up-some have super unhappy marriages, some had serious drinking issues and there was just quite a bit of fake ness going on. It made me very happy that I had my own good friends to actually hang out with.
I’ll also say that this behavior is much, much worse at the younger grades. I found it much worse at a K-8 than our new school that goes through 12th. At the K-8, a group of families seemed to be involved in everything and coincidentally were also the biggest donors. As they get older there’s a lot less involvement in the kids socializing and there are fewer in school opportunities as well. The donors are still out there but it can’t really buy them the same status at school.
If your kid is happy, stay for a bit. See how it pans out.

Oh and for your question about why they do it? Insecurity. They’re part of the group and you coming in can threaten their friendships and place in the community. If your school is like our old one, it’s because you don’t have a name, money or cool hook. But your cool hook is that you’re a way better person than they are so just go with your gut.

Yes! I'm probably considered a mean mom but I'm not mean at all. I'm honestly just to consumed with my own personal shit that I don't have the energy to meet new people. Yes my marriage is over and I do have a drinking problem. My closest friends are in similar situation.

I’m sorry poster. I wish you luck in limiting your drinking. Or stopping altogether. It may bring you happiness and good health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The mean moms can't answer this question because they don't understand themselves. There's a theory that people who tend towards conservative values and need a high degree of social structure also have a low threshold for disgust. These are the people who follow influencers, trends and what authorities tell them to do and be. It's a hard wired condition. If your daughter and you don't follow the rigid social norms (everything from conversation, facial expressions, inflections, dress code, musical tastes) etc, they are uneasy and repelled.
These aren't the people you want to have anywhere near your life. I think it's a psychological condition.

+1

The mean momishness is absolutely a psychological condition - a personality disorder at best. But it seems that the mean moms pride themselves on their gross behaviors. I am wondering why the mean moms either dislike or gossip about the nice moms, if they supposedly "don't notice them"? They notice the nice moms enough to dislike them or gossip about them, however - wonder how that works. LOL.

Seems like jealousy to me - that, and the mean moms don't like anyone who doesn't march to the mean mom's drum. Bunch of followers, I would hope they would want more for their own children - but their DC are just little minions, like the mean moms themselves. Such crazy behavior replicated throughout the generations.

I also believe that mean moms were treated (or believe that they were treated) pretty horribly throughout most of their lifetime, to be so rude.

The mean moms that I do know are prone to drinking or pill addiction. It's a sad circle to be in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Ok, I'll bite since you don't seem to understand that people are telling the truth about minding their own business and having their own friends.

I can be perceived as a mean mom because I have a well-established group of friends who I enjoy hanging out with and whose kids are my friends' kids. I also have a job, two kids who have lots of activities, and a husband who travels a fair amount for work. The truth is that I have absolutely no bandwidth for any more friends, although I'm happy to say hello to anyone. But on the rare occasions that I come to pick up or go to a school event, I want to talk to my friends, who I miss and feel like I don't see often enough. I don't want to talk to Larla who I don't even know and don't have time to be friends with.

If I seem standoffish, it is because I don't feel like making stupid small talk with someone I don't want to get to know better. At this point in my life, I have enough friends and can't possibly make room for any more. And maybe, yes, you are awkard, or annoying, or have rubbed me the wrong way somehow at some point. Why would we want to get to know each other in this case? Find your own friends who don't find you uninteresting or abrasive, or whatever. Find people who actually want to find friends, not people like me who are up to their ears in life and can't handle one more relationship. I'm positive that I myself have rubbed people the wrong way, or haven't made the best impression and then haven't become friends with them. But guess what? I'm not obsessing over it on DCUM. I've moved on and found my own group of supportive, nice friends.

OP is asking: "too much bandwidth" to say hello like a normal human being? If you see someone often, and know that you go to preschool or whatever, together? Get over yourself. No one is saying they want to be best friends with you. If anything, OP is taken aback at your rudeness, which happens on the regular. The question is: why are you so proud of being rude?

Also, I have another point to make: the people you think are your "close circle of friends" are not - they gossip about you, and you don't even realize it. Ask me how I know. They talk worse about you than you ever gossiped about anyone else. And you do.

Eh. Disagree. My best friend could have written this post word for word. I'm kind of sovciallu opposite as is another in our group where we kind of feel like we need to make sure everyone in the room feels included (which honestly can be exhausting and make you feel guilty a lot for not talking to everyone "enough" even though you want to talk to your friends more). Id say half our group is in either camp and some lean more to th extremes. We aren't shit talking. We accept people's limitations that they feel are their bandwidth. I'm sure there are plenty of groups with those who are more socially standoffish in public vs. outgoing. I respect people who see this in themselves, stay cordial but keep to themselves. Aren't these boards always blathering on about how hard life is for introverts? Introverts have friends, they want to talk to their friends.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is an Introvert/extrovert matter, at all. Since you brought it up, PP.

[Anonymous]

I recently encountered a group of mean moms at our school play. I usually don’t give them much thought but their behavior took me back to middle school when the ringleader saved the front row of seats for her and her minion moms and told anyone other parents who tried to sit in those seats that they were taken for her friends. When they ran out of space, she had some of them sit on the floor by her feet so they all at had a front row view.