Why is it so easy for some women to find a husband and not others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had multiple proposals (said yes to the last one). I swear guys proposed because I did NOT want to get married. I am now married and generally feel suffocated. I'm just a VERY independent woman. There is something crazy about men but the least marriageable type, they want. They are obsessed with the chase. And whenever I get particularly stir crazy, my husband can tell and suddenly the poems, roses, and chocolates start like he is triggered to woo me whenever I even start to think about being sola.

Sounds like a very unhealthy marriage, and you seem a bit unhinged.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know exactly. I always had an easy time dating guys. In hindsight most of them were a waste of time and I should have spent more time single. But I do remember after a bad breakup meeting DH and he was different than my previous “types” - and I consciously thought to myself, “self, what you were doing before obviously hasn’t worked, so let’s see how this goes.” It was like a previous poster said “He’s just not that into you”... when a man is ready it is just easy, nothing to overanalyze and you always feel wanted. Met DH at 26 and it’s 10 years later with 3 kids.

I do consider myself feminist and quirky but also I guess feminine and attractive.

[Anonymous]

We partnered young, but didn’t marry super young.

I was pretty nerdy / dorky but also passionate and athletic. He was very funny. We met as college freshman when we both said hi to an acquaintance at the same time. He was 17 and I was 19. He’d had one serious high school girlfriend. I’d had one summer fling with a crush I was never going to see again and one man I’d dated in college for a disasteorus 3 weeks. So little experience. At first I assumed it was a fling with my DH since it was the very end of freshman year. Then sophomore year it just kept being fun to be with him. By jr and senior year I panicked a bit about being with someone at such a young age and tried to break it off twice, but just missed him too much. We went to graduate school (separate schools but both in DMV), I bought a condo, and we got jobs. Eventually married at ages 27 and 29 and had our kids 5 and 9 years later. Have now been together almost 21 years and it’s not a fantasy fairytale but it’s also happy. I think I’m very good at maintaining friendships (have people I’ve been friends with since I was 2) and I think he’s very good at being content so that helps. There’s luck too. I used to look down at he idea of partnering young. But eventually we just had so much history and support and love for one another. And then by the time I was 26 or 27 I would also have been nervous to start over because children were important to me and I thought we’d have kids soon. If I’d known I’d have a kid at 38 I might not have worried as much.

By contrast at 36 my good friend had called off an engament and had broken up with other serious significant others. She’d spent a lot of time single too. She assumed she wouldn’t have kids and maybe wouldn’t marry. By 37 she was married and later that year pregnant. Two years later had her second child. She’s had more adjusting (as has her DH) to living together, married life and a lot of change at once, but their careers are more lucrative and they ended up in DC independently because they each wanted to be there rather than by compromising on school, jobs etc. My situation and hers (and that of my single friend) each have their perks and drawbacks. It’s not that one is a better path - they just are what they are. Though for me kids were an important reason to prioritize marriage.

(FWIW I’ve always been quirky, somewhat average looking, don’t wear makeup, and not at all fashionable. My fiend who got married at 37 is much prettier more fashionable thab I am)