I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. Who's right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like an ass. Put the little ones in day care, get a job and send your son a few hundred a month. Problem solved. If Dad is paying for college, there is no reason why you cannot send him $200 a month and him work summers for some extra money.

100% this.

—child from a first marriage.

Do you realize that each might be her idea and not his?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like an ass. Put the little ones in day care, get a job and send your son a few hundred a month. Problem solved. If Dad is paying for college, there is no reason why you cannot send him $200 a month and him work summers for some extra money.

100% this.

—child from a first marriage.

Do you realize that each might be her idea and not his?

Yeah I'm guessing if the new husband had insisted on her being a SAHM and not having her own money then OP would have mentioned that...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m siding with your DH unless there’s some detail you haven’t yet revealed.

+1. What does he need money for? Beer on the weekends?

[Anonymous]

I see no issue w/sending your son money.

He may need it for fuel, groceries or maybe even school supplies.

He may also want to have a gym membership or join a movie club.

As long as his grades are good, then I would be helping him out like any good, helpful Mother would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m siding with your DH unless there’s some detail you haven’t yet revealed.

+1. What does he need money for? Beer on the weekends?

What's the obsession with beer money? I didn't drink in college. My friends sometimes went to movies, lunch, dinner, music performances, sports games, etc. I also needed clothes, school supplies, toothpaste, toilet paper, cleaning supplies, etc. I will expect my kids to work over the summers, but I will not force them to work during the school year, especially if they are struggling academically. OP has put herself in a situation where the household money is viewed as her husband's money. She's not going to deprive her two younger kids of their father by getting a divorce, but she really needs to go back to work and regain her independence. I couldn't imagine wanting to send $100 or $200 to my kid in college and not being able to do it. You asked what does he need money for, do you only provide your teen a home to live in, dinners at home and a lunch account at high school? You never give them money if their friends invite them to the movies, to high school football games, high school plays, or if they need supplies for a science fair project? You never give them money for a coat, shoes or clothes? OP's son worked part time and volunteered part time over the summer, and has a paid internship line up for next summer. He doesn't sound like he's lazing around. It's sad she wants to send him money and has put herself in a position where she can't.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing staying home was OP's idea, and her husband would have preferred she keep working - and that's why he's bean counting now. I think OP would have mentioned it if he was the one who wanted her to stay home and subsequently became controlling.

So OP screwed the pooch: didn't plan ahead financially for her first son, and her DH was probably already resentful that he's the only one contributing financially, and now he's being asked to pay for what he sees as frivolous expenses for his non-bio son that neither bio parent is taking financial responsibility for.

OP also never said that bio dad was paying for college -- just that step dad was not paying for college. I'm guessing stepdad's side of the story would be enlightening here.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read through all this but college students who work a moderate amount have better grades:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cnbc.com/amp/2017/10/04/students-who-work-actually-get-better-grades-but-theres-a-catch.html

[Anonymous]

I’d send what I want. There is no “my money” in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. OP says she has two young ones at home...are they her stepdaughters or actual daughters with DH? Also, she never said who is paying for the DS' college?

Op answered that in the first few pages. The young dd’s are here and dh’s. The dh does not pay tuition or room & board for the son. The son is on the family health insurance plan and family cell phone plan, that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d send what I want. There is no “my money” in our marriage.

It really is as simple as that. Even if the husband runs the household including cooking, cleaning, and laundry, which I am guessing he does not.

And wow, so many posters who assume the money will be used for nefarious purposes.

[Anonymous]

Send a set amount of money on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is at an intense college and I'd like to send him modest amounts of money because his debit card is practically empty and I don't want him working and getting in over his head academically. My DH said he has a shelter and a meal plan and needs to get a job for extra spending. My DH says he has colleagues at work whose kids work 20 plus hours per week, play sports, and go to college. He believes my son has too much free-time and is being lazy, and I'm trying to enable him with DH's money.

Is this your husband's son or step son?

[Anonymous]

This is why so many second marriages with step-children fail. Money. So many people expect all costs for step-children to end when the child turns 18. This is especially true if the step-parent didn't come into the marriage with children.

Normal people who make a good living send their kids some spending money in college. Then, if the kid wants more than that, fewer people send additional money. But NO spending money when the family can afford it? That's dickish.

[Anonymous]

Your son needs to get a job. Most people I know had part time jobs in college and still did well. I worked about 15-20 hours per week as an office assistant for a small CPA firm for my entire college career. I still took a full course load each semester, graduated on time and got a great job.

However, the fact that hour husband is so controlling that he won’t allow you to spend $100 at your own discretion is a separate problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know why he didnt work all last summer and make plenty for spending money? Even at minimum wage, working 30 hours a week left plenty of time for summer fun AND several thousands in spending money. So? What was he doing?

He did work part-time last summer but he also was an unpaid volunteer for a campaign, which cut into his job hours. The money he saved is mostly gone from just normal spending and first year of college expenses. He also already secured a summer internship for 2019.

"Normal spending" is [Amount of Money] / [Months of College] = [Monthly budget]. He blew his funds for the year in the first three months of school? He lives lean. Sorry, you're coddling, OP.