I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. Who's right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m also confused how he would notice $100 or $200 unaccounted for?

We are from rich but it wouldn’t even register to me if my DH spent $100 more or less each month. We have a joint account that we use to pay all bills credit cards mortgage etc.

Do you guys really account for every penny you spend? What if you go to lunch with a friend? Is that allowed? Can you buy a sweater? A bra? Do you have to show him receipts?

We are very well off and absolutely would notice a missing $100. Dh or I spend about 15 minutes a week confirming that only the receipts we brought home are what is represented in our online banking, and once a month we sit together and go over any big expenses we're expecting the following month (big = $100 or more). We keep careful track of money going out and coming in.

Wow, if you are that well off, you'd begrudge the other spouse money for their child.

This is where I think definitions of well off can vary. I bet first PP is feeling far from rich at 300K and itemizing receipts PP thinks they’re wealthy with 100K.

Either way, it’s asinine to stop your spouse from giving your kid $100 a month.

[Anonymous]

I am aware this doesn’t contribute to the discussion, but you can’t play sports and work 20 hours a week. It’s prohibited by the NCAA. You can only work off season and over the summer, and even then the amount you can make is capped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is DH the biodad?

No.

Then he has no say over this.

Actually he does, since it is the husband’s wages supporting OP.

And presumably OP contributes her labor to support the household.

That is how a partnership works.

Unless OP can send her labor to help her son financially, she needs to get a job if she wants to send money.

Yep. The son is solely OP’s financial responsibility. OP’s husband is responsible for supporting his children. OP choosing not to work means it’s up to son to fund his own spending money.

If OP/mom is staying home to care for the kids, then it is up to husband to provide for her son as that is part of the marriage agreement. If husband is that selfish, she needs to have money in her name as a back up plan. I couldn't imagine my husband being that selfish.

No, it’s actually not. He has zero responsibility to provide for a child that isn’t his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is DH the biodad?

No.

Then he has no say over this.

Actually he does, since it is the husband’s wages supporting OP.

And presumably OP contributes her labor to support the household.

That is how a partnership works.

Unless OP can send her labor to help her son financially, she needs to get a job if she wants to send money.

Yep. The son is solely OP’s financial responsibility. OP’s husband is responsible for supporting his children. OP choosing not to work means it’s up to son to fund his own spending money.

If OP/mom is staying home to care for the kids, then it is up to husband to provide for her son as that is part of the marriage agreement. If husband is that selfish, she needs to have money in her name as a back up plan. I couldn't imagine my husband being that selfish.

Precisely. We agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is DH the biodad?

No.

Then he has no say over this.

Actually he does, since it is the husband’s wages supporting OP.

And presumably OP contributes her labor to support the household.

That is how a partnership works.

Unless OP can send her labor to help her son financially, she needs to get a job if she wants to send money.

Yep. The son is solely OP’s financial responsibility. OP’s husband is responsible for supporting his children. OP choosing not to work means it’s up to son to fund his own spending money.

If OP/mom is staying home to care for the kids, then it is up to husband to provide for her son as that is part of the marriage agreement. If husband is that selfish, she needs to have money in her name as a back up plan. I couldn't imagine my husband being that selfish.

Precisely. We agree.

Responding to myself/ poster before me that I responded to. P.S. I posted something similar earlier in the thread about her needing to get a job. I'm not saying the husband is right or wrong. I'm saying in the OP's reality, the husband is not going to OK sending money to the son. So her best option is to get a job- maybe weekends, when the husband can care for their two kids- so she can have money to send, if that's what she wants to do.

[Anonymous]

Work out how much you would be paying for a child sitter, house cleaner and cook, then discuss it with your DH. You ARE working, just not outside the home. You have a right to some discretionary income.

Or your son can get a part time job.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know... A DH that doesn’t want you to send some spending money to a teen sounds really controlling - or he wants to draw a line in the sand about his real family and keep the son out.

Either way, I think OP needs to get a job to have more input in the family finances. (This has nothing to do with the value of being a SAHM - it’s about the value that her DH places on it which is not much.)

It’s an unhealthy situation.

For a thought exercise: Would it be an issue if you wanted to spend $100 on an activity for the girls or clothes or to go see the Nutcracker? If the answer is no, it wouldn’t even register for you to ask permission for that, then this is all the more problematic. What if your son needs money for something else during his college career? Suppose there’s an internship that could build his resume but doesn’t pay well - should he deliver pizzas instead?

Was your son treated poorly the entire time he lived with stepdad or is this something new?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work out how much you would be paying for a child sitter, house cleaner and cook, then discuss it with your DH. You ARE working, just not outside the home. You have a right to some discretionary income.

Or your son can get a part time job.

The DH already knows what she contributes. He wants her to have money to spend on their daughters NOT her son.

This is a classic issue with blended families

[Anonymous]

We are an inattentive ADHD family and would never have succeeded in college and attained terminal degrees, including MDs and PhDs, had we also had to work on the side.

Some people just can't do it all, and that doesn't mean they won't hold productive and respectable places in society.

So I would try to argue that way, OP. Point to moments where your son was adversely impacted by trying to multitask too much. Perhaps send him money out of your account while you discuss this with your husband.

Of course you know that the REAL problem here is your husband thinking he has exclusive decision rights to your JOINT money. What's his is yours and vice-versa. You may need a counselor for that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work out how much you would be paying for a child sitter, house cleaner and cook, then discuss it with your DH. You ARE working, just not outside the home. You have a right to some discretionary income.

Or your son can get a part time job.

The DH already knows what she contributes. He wants her to have money to spend on their daughters NOT her son.

This is a classic issue with blended families

No, its not classic and she probably got child support prior to college to support son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is DH the biodad?

No.

Then he has no say over this.

Actually he does, since it is the husband’s wages supporting OP.

And presumably OP contributes her labor to support the household.

That is how a partnership works.

Unless OP can send her labor to help her son financially, she needs to get a job if she wants to send money.

Yep. The son is solely OP’s financial responsibility. OP’s husband is responsible for supporting his children. OP choosing not to work means it’s up to son to fund his own spending money.

If OP/mom is staying home to care for the kids, then it is up to husband to provide for her son as that is part of the marriage agreement. If husband is that selfish, she needs to have money in her name as a back up plan. I couldn't imagine my husband being that selfish.

Precisely. We agree.

Responding to myself/ poster before me that I responded to. P.S. I posted something similar earlier in the thread about her needing to get a job. I'm not saying the husband is right or wrong. I'm saying in the OP's reality, the husband is not going to OK sending money to the son. So her best option is to get a job- maybe weekends, when the husband can care for their two kids- so she can have money to send, if that's what she wants to do.

I meant in addition to money for son, she needs to have savings/back up plan in case of divorce as if he's like this now, imagine if something happens in the future.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. OP says she has two young ones at home...are they her stepdaughters or actual daughters with DH? Also, she never said who is paying for the DS' college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. OP says she has two young ones at home...are they her stepdaughters or actual daughters with DH? Also, she never said who is paying for the DS' college?

I'm assuming the father is paying for college and that he too has ruled that the kid needs to earn his own "beer money" since all of the needs have been provided for. But I'm also curious about this, plus the relationship between the kid and the stepfather. And also whether the girls are in school or too young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work out how much you would be paying for a child sitter, house cleaner and cook, then discuss it with your DH. You ARE working, just not outside the home. You have a right to some discretionary income.

Or your son can get a part time job.

The DH already knows what she contributes. He wants her to have money to spend on their daughters NOT her son.

This is a classic issue with blended families

No, its not classic and she probably got child support prior to college to support son.

Okay, it’s just an issue that comes up over and over again in the family forum when there are stepchildren in the picture.

It’s reality that people don’t beancount about money when it’s for their biological children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like an ass. Put the little ones in day care, get a job and send your son a few hundred a month. Problem solved. If Dad is paying for college, there is no reason why you cannot send him $200 a month and him work summers for some extra money.

100% this.

—child from a first marriage.