Breadwinner wants out of the rat race

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, some people here try to make you feel bad for expressing your feelings. Your DH husband is betraying your agreement.
You sacrificed your Biglaw career knowing that he will continue in Biglaw and maintain your lifestyle. If he wanted out, he should have
been the one stepping out and let you be the primary Biglaw breadwinner. Now he is about to ruin your family future. He is supposed to support his family and he is about to fail big time. You have a baby on the way, how does he think your family will survive living on a lower income. A Biglaw lifestyle is the ultimate definition of success and opulence. You worked so hard to get to this point. Don’t let your DH trash it.

This is satire, right? A Big Law lifestyle is far, far away from the "ultimate definition of success and opulence." It may be the pinnacle of "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

You work intense hours as an associate, knowing that the firm is a pyramid that depends upon churning associates and making few of them partners. Then, if you make partner, you either work even harder to keep the top partners happy or find a way to bring in new business that others can service. Since many lawyers are bookish, introspective types, that type of pressure can be rough to handle. And you're doing work for clients in business and finance that usually have found a way to make far more money that you ever will, while working fewer hours.

Far fewer women than men will put up with this, and attrition among both female associates and female partners is high. The men are more likely to stick it out, because their self-image is tied to their being successful and making a lot of money. But there's a lot of frustrated,unhappy men with expanding waist lines and growing drug/alcohol problems. If OP's husband has the good sense to realize that's not the future he wants for himself, she needs to support him, not to try to guilt him based on some BS assumption that she could have been in his shoes if she hadn't been such a martyr.

[Anonymous]

I agree this would be a big change in income and expectations for your lifestyle. As a partner it seems like he could begin to cut back from the 70 hr. per week thing but I don't really know big law. I know it's not likely you can jump back in after leaving. I'd try to find a compromise, like a possible switch to a boutique or specialty law firm for him or possibly a kind of sabbatical, if that's offered. If not, maybe he should have a driver take him to and from work so he can work during commute, outsource everything he does at home, anything else to free him up.

[Anonymous]

Quit trashing her folks. She gave up her career aspirations partly to enable him to follow the big law, big money. Now it's too late for her to follow that path but he wants out? I think she has legitimate concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit trashing her folks. She gave up her career aspirations partly to enable him to follow the big law, big money. Now it's too late for her to follow that path but he wants out? I think she has legitimate concerns.

I don't agree. Things are never set in concrete. Life is fluid and you can only take actionable steps based on current situations. You can plan for the future but life will continue to throw you curveballs.

OP, what happens if your DH keels over and dies of a heartattack? He is saying he wants out of the ratrace, then you both need to sit and evaluate if you can live with a much reduced workload and HHI. Keep in mind that you have two kids also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, some people here try to make you feel bad for expressing your feelings. Your DH husband is betraying your agreement.
You sacrificed your Biglaw career knowing that he will continue in Biglaw and maintain your lifestyle. If he wanted out, he should have
been the one stepping out and let you be the primary Biglaw breadwinner. Now he is about to ruin your family future. He is supposed to support his family and he is about to fail big time. You have a baby on the way, how does he think your family will survive living on a lower income. A Biglaw lifestyle is the ultimate definition of success and opulence. You worked so hard to get to this point. Don’t let your DH trash it.

This is satire, right? A Big Law lifestyle is far, far away from the "ultimate definition of success and opulence." It may be the pinnacle of "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

You work intense hours as an associate, knowing that the firm is a pyramid that depends upon churning associates and making few of them partners. Then, if you make partner, you either work even harder to keep the top partners happy or find a way to bring in new business that others can service. Since many lawyers are bookish, introspective types, that type of pressure can be rough to handle. And you're doing work for clients in business and finance that usually have found a way to make far more money that you ever will, while working fewer hours.

Far fewer women than men will put up with this, and attrition among both female associates and female partners is high. The men are more likely to stick it out, because their self-image is tied to their being successful and making a lot of money. But there's a lot of frustrated,unhappy men with expanding waist lines and growing drug/alcohol problems. If OP's husband has the good sense to realize that's not the future he wants for himself, she needs to support him, not to try to guilt him based on some BS assumption that she could have been in his shoes if she hadn't been such a martyr.

People work hard to get to into Biglaw and even harder to make it to partner. Insinuating that this isn't synonym to success and opulence is ignorant.
It is not an easy job we all know that. But it is a job that affords you extraordinary perks but more importantly financial freedom.
The pressure is tough to handle of course. Nobody denies that. But if you can't handle that pressure, you are incompetent and weak.
OP's DH is failing his family by admitting his inability to deal with it. I feel sorry for OP, she deserves better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit trashing her folks. She gave up her career aspirations partly to enable him to follow the big law, big money. Now it's too late for her to follow that path but he wants out? I think she has legitimate concerns.

I don't agree. Things are never set in concrete. Life is fluid and you can only take actionable steps based on current situations. You can plan for the future but life will continue to throw you curveballs.

OP, what happens if your DH keels over and dies of a heartattack? He is saying he wants out of the ratrace, then you both need to sit and evaluate if you can live with a much reduced workload and HHI. Keep in mind that you have two kids also.

Why can't he handle it? There are many Biglaw partners that handle it well and live a good life. Why can't he? If he knew he couldn't handle it, he should have been the one to quit and let her pursue the Biglaw dream career. She would have handled it for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit trashing her folks. She gave up her career aspirations partly to enable him to follow the big law, big money. Now it's too late for her to follow that path but he wants out? I think she has legitimate concerns.

I don't agree. Things are never set in concrete. Life is fluid and you can only take actionable steps based on current situations. You can plan for the future but life will continue to throw you curveballs.

OP, what happens if your DH keels over and dies of a heartattack? He is saying he wants out of the ratrace, then you both need to sit and evaluate if you can live with a much reduced workload and HHI. Keep in mind that you have two kids also.

Why can't he handle it? There are many Biglaw partners that handle it well and live a good life. Why can't he? If he knew he couldn't handle it, he should have been the one to quit and let her pursue the Biglaw dream career. She would have handled it for sure.

If she could have handled it, she wouldn't have quit in the first place. She didn't have sufficient ambition then; she is deluding herself with her stories of what might have been.

If she had the grit and ambition to grab the brass ring, he would have been the one to scale back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit trashing her folks. She gave up her career aspirations partly to enable him to follow the big law, big money. Now it's too late for her to follow that path but he wants out? I think she has legitimate concerns.

I don't agree. Things are never set in concrete. Life is fluid and you can only take actionable steps based on current situations. You can plan for the future but life will continue to throw you curveballs.

OP, what happens if your DH keels over and dies of a heartattack? He is saying he wants out of the ratrace, then you both need to sit and evaluate if you can live with a much reduced workload and HHI. Keep in mind that you have two kids also.

Why can't he handle it? There are many Biglaw partners that handle it well and live a good life. Why can't he? If he knew he couldn't handle it, he should have been the one to quit and let her pursue the Biglaw dream career. She would have handled it for sure.

If she could have handled it, she wouldn't have quit in the first place. She didn't have sufficient ambition then; she is deluding herself with her stories of what might have been.

If she had the grit and ambition to grab the brass ring, he would have been the one to scale back

Seriously she scaled back to a non-profit before they had kids! To manage the household for a couple of rich DINKS?

Yeah ambition is not her middle name.

[Anonymous]

Consider leaving DC and moving to another big city in the middle of the nation where his law firm has a branch, or one looking to establish a stronger DC connection. Less pressure and time would be required. There are plenty of wonderful cities with great private schools and beautiful neighborhoods, especially in the midwest.

[Anonymous]

TBH every woman I know who quit biglaw bc they had a biglaw DH ALWAYS says -- oh I was TOTALLY partner track. Reality is -- until you get laid off/pushed out, EVERYONE is partner track and most everyone is told, you’re awesome, OF COURSE we want you around. Reality is, they want 99.99% of the folks as associates doing the work. That doesn’t mean they want you as partner. OP doesn’t know if she would’ve made partner bc she left before she was up, but now it is nice revisionist history to say – oh I totally was going to make partner and only quit bc DH said he wanted to lean in so I leaned out.

[Anonymous]

OP is refusing to answer but key question here -- what is your net worth? Are you at a position where NW growth trumps the 150k he'd make in gov't? If so -- why soooo worried about lifestyle?

I'm guessing they're the typical lawyers who put in the min down to get the big house in Bethesda, private preschool, wife leaning out, expensive vacations, ok retirement but not out of this world -- and now DH is feeling the golden handcuffs. I managed a 3/4 million NW by myself (single at the time) as a 7th yr associate -- started out with loans, no fam $ -- I don't see how a couple that was double biglaw for 5+ yrs AND has a partner DH for likely 5+ yrs isn't already sitting on $2-3 mil+.

[Anonymous]

Wow, people are being so unhelpful and critical. I think that OP is dealing with a hard life lesson here that life throws you curve balls and you have to find ways to roll with it, as much as it might pain you. And yes, there will be disappointments in life, and yes, your spouse and everyone else in your life will disappoint you at least once. He is probably disappointing himself as well.

The other life lesson here is that, beyond a certain level of $$, money is not as important as relationships and somehow it will all work out, even if he leaves this job. I hope it goes well for you, OP. Don't allow resentment to get the better of you. That will eat away at you and your relationship, and your children need you and your husband to find a path that brings about the greatest amount of contentment for everyone. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit trashing her folks. She gave up her career aspirations partly to enable him to follow the big law, big money. Now it's too late for her to follow that path but he wants out? I think she has legitimate concerns.

She doesn’t own him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, some people here try to make you feel bad for expressing your feelings. Your DH husband is betraying your agreement.
You sacrificed your Biglaw career knowing that he will continue in Biglaw and maintain your lifestyle. If he wanted out, he should have
been the one stepping out and let you be the primary Biglaw breadwinner. Now he is about to ruin your family future. He is supposed to support his family and he is about to fail big time. You have a baby on the way, how does he think your family will survive living on a lower income. A Biglaw lifestyle is the ultimate definition of success and opulence. You worked so hard to get to this point. Don’t let your DH trash it.

This is satire, right? A Big Law lifestyle is far, far away from the "ultimate definition of success and opulence." It may be the pinnacle of "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

You work intense hours as an associate, knowing that the firm is a pyramid that depends upon churning associates and making few of them partners. Then, if you make partner, you either work even harder to keep the top partners happy or find a way to bring in new business that others can service. Since many lawyers are bookish, introspective types, that type of pressure can be rough to handle. And you're doing work for clients in business and finance that usually have found a way to make far more money that you ever will, while working fewer hours.

Far fewer women than men will put up with this, and attrition among both female associates and female partners is high. The men are more likely to stick it out, because their self-image is tied to their being successful and making a lot of money. But there's a lot of frustrated,unhappy men with expanding waist lines and growing drug/alcohol problems. If OP's husband has the good sense to realize that's not the future he wants for himself, she needs to support him, not to try to guilt him based on some BS assumption that she could have been in his shoes if she hadn't been such a martyr.

People work hard to get to into Biglaw and even harder to make it to partner. Insinuating that this isn't synonym to success and opulence is ignorant.
It is not an easy job we all know that. But it is a job that affords you extraordinary perks but more importantly financial freedom.
The pressure is tough to handle of course. Nobody denies that. But if you can't handle that pressure, you are incompetent and weak.
OP's DH is failing his family by admitting his inability to deal with it. I feel sorry for OP, she deserves better.

You can’t write your way out of a paper bag, so I really doubt you know what it’s like to be a Big Law partner. I have a bit more experience here than you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TBH every woman I know who quit biglaw bc they had a biglaw DH ALWAYS says -- oh I was TOTALLY partner track. Reality is -- until you get laid off/pushed out, EVERYONE is partner track and most everyone is told, you’re awesome, OF COURSE we want you around. Reality is, they want 99.99% of the folks as associates doing the work. That doesn’t mean they want you as partner. OP doesn’t know if she would’ve made partner bc she left before she was up, but now it is nice revisionist history to say – oh I totally was going to make partner and only quit bc DH said he wanted to lean in so I leaned out.

This is much closer to reality than OP’s version.