Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:40+, male, and married for just over 20 years. The last 3-4 of which have been awful. Did couples counseling twice and she ended it both times. Been seeing a shrink myself for various related and non related issues.
I’ve purposely changed my schedule in the past 6 months, aiming to be out of the house more (I work part of the time from a home office), and make more social relations outside the marriage. I’ve also started doing more sports and going to the gym after a couple of years I’ve really neglected myself.
Thing is this… our sex life is dead. We’ve probably had sex 5 times in the past 3 years. Non in a year now. We are basically not intimate with each other and she shows little to no physical affection towards me.
Few days ago the she asked me if I was intimate with another women… and out of instinct I said: “it’s no longer your business”.
I’m not actually intimate with another women, but I’m definitely more open to it as this situation prolongs. We have 2 kids, and I would like to keep living under the same roof as them. Divorce would also be very hard on me financially. And truthfully, I still love my wife in many ways. However, I also think/feel that 43 is way to early to give up on any kind of physical relationship. Was I wrong to tell her it’s no longer her business as she’s made it clear she has no interest, or obligation, in sex with me?

you sound like an @$$.

seeing a shrink for various issues, failed attempts at couples counseling, failed attempts at connecting with your wife, avoiding your family and wife for sports/gym/more office time.

OP here... I've actually "answered" all your claims in previous comments... and most your claims must be coming from your life experience (not my life)... so I'll just mention (again) that there's nothing wrong and no shame to going to therapy (a shrink). You have to be pretty primitive (in 2018) to think otherwise...

it is not clear to me what you do for the family or household or kids or wife.

Counseling is not a check-the-box thing.

You go the shrink to get an action plan to improve your relationship, THEN YOU ENACT THE PLAN EACH AND EVERY MOMENT.

Just showing up won't get you anything except $200 poorer. No pat on the back for simply showing up, you need to put the effort in to the improvement plan.

OP here... I don't know where you get your "info" on what goes on regarding the counseling I do... but I guess you have your own experience with things...

[Anonymous]

Go get a full-time job and go hire a nanny and part-time housekeeper already.

What are your other issues you are dealing with?

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. I'm a woman married 10+ years, with my husband over 15, 2 kids. We have sex probably 6 times a month - he thinks it's way too little, but I know there are situations like yours out there and I think it's ok for where we are in life.

Here's the thing - I don't always want to have sex with my husband, but I do it because I do believe it's a part of marriage (I would feel the same way if I wanted it more than he did). A LOT of women on here are married to assholes and will assume you aren't doing your part, aren't involved with the kids, aren't affectionate in other ways, etc. I know that's not always the case and I sympathize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re doing everything you can do to work extra and not be home through outside social activities, but wonder why she won’t have sex with you?

THIS is actually classic DCUM. you’ve basically exited your marriage emotially, and it sounds physically, but you resent her for exiting it sexually.

This. While there is likely fault on both sides, it's straight-up hypocrisy to complain that your wife won't sleep with you, when you have made it clear that you don't like her, don't like spending time with her, and don't really want to be with her.

Him not liking her, don't like spending time with her, and not wanting to be with her is the symptom of her not sleeping with him, not the cause of it.

If she denies him sex, then naturally and inevitably his desire to give her his time and attention will diminish - eventually to nothing.

Well, I guess we don't know this, but OP can settle it for us pretty easily. OP - which happened first? Did your wife stop wanting to have sex with you first or did you start making yourself absent from the house more often first?

OP here. Not that it really matters who's to blame (and blame is usually the reason couples don't/can't solve problems...)... but to answer your question... the later came first. In fact, I still spend many more hours in the home and with family as compared with most people I know...

OP, you need to grow up. Marriage is not a contractual obligation for sex 3-5x a week. It's a commitment to form a family, to love, honor, and cherish in sickness and in health. You have young kids, it's pretty normal for a marital sex life to wane during those years due to stress, exhaustion, hormone changes. How a couple reacts to those stressors on a relationship are the indicator of long term success. If you became angry and resentful and distant from your wife, like she was trying to punish you by withholding sex, rather than trying to regain non-sexual intimacy and hope that the physical intimacy would return, then you have made your own bed. For women, sex is often more about the emotional than the physical. If you don't have an emotional connection you won't have a physical connection. If you're not interested in reconnecting on any level, then be a man and tell her. If you're done, you're done, and you owe it to both of you to admit that rather than live in some limbo because it's more convenient. If you're not done, then you need to make some serious changes in order to turn it around. But after what you said, it's entirely possible that it's too late.

This is the standard boring and useless female response to any male complaint about lack of sex.

And no, it is not "normal" for a marital sex life to drop to "five times in three years".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) get to know God.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yypZRTmpitw

2) you two need sex therapy not marriage therapy.


3) life is about management. Be a man and start managing.

Totally agree. Start managing the family(especially if you work part-time) and the fun stuff will follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP if you’re home 20 hours a day, what does your wife’s day look like?

OP here... just to be clear... my job requires me to actually be present somewhere else two days a week, for about 4 hours each day. Other than that, I can (and usually have) chose to work from home which is what I've been doing ever since the kids were born. She, on the other hand, is less flexible. She's usually out by 7:30 am and back anytime from 6-9 pm... not that our work/home hours are the heart of the problem. People here just seem to have picked up on this issue... most of them for the wrong reason (thinking I wasn't home enough[i])

OP, being HOME isn’t the issue. Being present is.

What are you contributing to the house during those times? To the children? If you’re out the 4 hours a day when your wife actually needs help with the kids, then your being home 20 hours a day is moot, KWIM?

My DH has recently decided to start coming home during lunch, presumedly to “spend more time at home”. I WAH with a flexible job and watch toddler DD. His coming home just saddles me with making his lunch. I still end up making DDs lunch, my lunch, and cleaning up after everyone, plus his coming home means I don’t get to go to the park at that time, as I think it’s important for DD to see him. TBH, half the time he just surfs the internet. He’s probably patting himself on the back for being home more, but really, it’s a huge PITA. I’d rather he give her a bath or give me a break in the evenings to finish my work or to go spent 1/2 hour myself, but he’s usually too busy mowing or whatever else HE feels is important.

OP here. You are reflecting from your life on mine... In terms of parenting, I am as close as a stay at home (primary care taker) as can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldve pivoted and asked her if she was seeing someone. Answer her question with a question.

yeah, PA + gaslighting. that's the ticket!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are a good man, you will not have a problem finding a mate once divorced.

OP here... I'm not scared of divorce... I just havn't decided I want one. I'm comfortable at home. I like waking up each morning to the kids being there. And we share finances and house chores well... just no intimacy in it, which is something I seem to desire and she does not. The question was (still is)... Does one continue to see a spouse who has given up on intimacy completely as a partner in this field, and should they (I actually) share feelings and information when I know they are not likely to lead to any progress in this area of the relationship?

Your feelings are normal, and your marriage is in a crisis situation. You should convey that to her; she should understand that the stakes are high and complacency isn’t gping to work anymore because you won’t renain in a marriage without intimacy or affection. Have an honest discussion about the possibility of divorce, and what that will mean for your family.

Yes, be sure to talk about yourself and your viewpoint and your needs the whole time. Then throw out the divorce threat of abandonment.

Let us know how it goes...

[Anonymous]

PP, you sound incredibly bitter.
- not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go get a full-time job and go hire a nanny and part-time housekeeper already.

What are your other issues you are dealing with?

OP here. I have a full time job... it's just one that can be done at home. Issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. I'm a woman married 10+ years, with my husband over 15, 2 kids. We have sex probably 6 times a month - he thinks it's way too little, but I know there are situations like yours out there and I think it's ok for where we are in life.

Here's the thing - I don't always want to have sex with my husband, but I do it because I do believe it's a part of marriage (I would feel the same way if I wanted it more than he did). A LOT of women on here are married to assholes and will assume you aren't doing your part, aren't involved with the kids, aren't affectionate in other ways, etc. I know that's not always the case and I sympathize.

OP here. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you discussed the possibility of an open marriage?

NP An open "marriage" is no longer a marriage when you are sleeping with someone else. That's not in the vows married people take.

To the Op,

Have you tried to rekindle the romance? I would apologize for the comment but, tell her that you want a real relationship. Start with flowers ( or whatever appeals to her) go away for the weekend ( if you have someone to watch the kids) Maybe conversation and more romantic gestures will bring back the love?

It is very easy for others to say "divorce" but, it isn't so easy!

[Anonymous]

OP - whatever problems you have were simply made worse by your comment. On reflection, is there anything else you could have said that might have helped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a very similar situation. 40+, married 18 years, last two years have been awful. No sex, no affection, no companionship. Basically, cohabiting coparents of our two elementary school kids. I haven't been cheating, but she isn't even interested enough to ask. It isn't her business at this point, though I might not say so. Like you, I love my kids, want to keep living under the same roof, and don't want to inflict pain on them. (In fact, not wanting to hurt them is the only thing that has kept me in the marriage for the past two years.) I also think I'm not ready to give up on having sex or affection for the rest of my life.

I am just not an "open marriage" kind of person. I don't think my wife is either. She would probably overcome her indifference to me enough to resent that, but not enough to start having sex with me again. And what am I gonna do, tell her that every Friday night she needs to watch the kids so I can go on Tinder dates? Awkward. Also, if I found an AP who was giving me sex and affection, I'd want to dump the wife for the AP. If divorce is inevitable anyway, why not do it now? Finally, that's a weird-ass thing to model for the kids. "Oh, mommy and daddy don't sleep with each other, just with other people."

Most of the other posters don't appreciate how tough it is to pull the plug on a low-conflict marriage where the kids are happy and successful. But nothing is going to change if I don't. I suspect the same is true for you. Do you really want to get out of bed a year... five years... ten years from now, and find yourself in the exact same situation? At some point you either have to sht or get off the pot.

You really can't get to the root of the matter or you just don't like it so aren't fixing it? too uncomfortable. too much cognitive dissonance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP if you’re home 20 hours a day, what does your wife’s day look like?

OP here... just to be clear... my job requires me to actually be present somewhere else two days a week, for about 4 hours each day. Other than that, I can (and usually have) chose to work from home which is what I've been doing ever since the kids were born. She, on the other hand, is less flexible. She's usually out by 7:30 am and back anytime from 6-9 pm... not that our work/home hours are the heart of the problem. People here just seem to have picked up on this issue... most of them for the wrong reason (thinking I wasn't home enough)

That's a really intense schedule. Does she have a long commute?