Wife would be ok never having sex again

[Anonymous]

Why not just decide you’re not in the mood to support her anymore? She is getting what she needs and you’re not. That’s not fair at all, so decide you are not in the “financial mood”

And like others have pointed out, after the divorce she will find it again, she’s not against having sex, she’s against having sex with you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife was at an event with a group of women. One said she was reading a book about how not to hate your spouse when you had little kids. That prompted a show of hands for who would be o.k. never having sex again and all the women raised their hands. My wife shared that as something that made her feel positive because she didn't feel alone in her lack of libido.

The background is that we have sex about every 4-6 weeks. I've talked to her about how this a lot lower than I'm happy with, and it makes me feel unloved and disconnected. She says that there's nothing wrong with me and it's on her end. Lately she's been talking to a therapist but doesn't feel like she's making any progress. I think the women she was with had smaller children. Ours are early teens.

I responded that I imagined it made her feel very isolated if she thought she was the only one with this issue and it probably felt good not to feel so alone. What I felt was pretty hopeless that she'd be o.k. never having sex again. I'm also nervous that having a bunch of friends saying the same thing will encourage her to stop making any effort to improve our sex life, allowing it to continue to deteriorate.

I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

Inform her the marriage is Open, then go out and meet your needs.. It's not cheating: it's a lifestyle choice, similar to a wife choosing to never/rarely have sex with husband.

He said he didn't want to do that... he phrased it that way specifically because he was trying to stop you from trotting that line out. Do you have another note you can play, ever?

Especially since most lie about open marriages. It's dadt my poor wife, she cant handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not just decide you’re not in the mood to support her anymore? She is getting what she needs and you’re not. That’s not fair at all, so decide you are not in the “financial mood”

And like others have pointed out, after the divorce she will find it again, she’s not against having sex, she’s against having sex with you

Because we love each other, and I don't particularly feel like being an asshole. It would be counterproductive and, in any case, I'd prefer masturbation over coerced sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just decide you’re not in the mood to support her anymore? She is getting what she needs and you’re not. That’s not fair at all, so decide you are not in the “financial mood”

And like others have pointed out, after the divorce she will find it again, she’s not against having sex, she’s against having sex with you

Because we love each other, and I don't particularly feel like being an asshole. It would be counterproductive and, in any case, I'd prefer masturbation over coerced sex.

If only you had started the thread by stating you are a passive martyr, we could have saved several pages of responses and skipped right to saying enjoy your sexless life of quietly wacking off while you pretend not to be resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife was at an event with a group of women. One said she was reading a book about how not to hate your spouse when you had little kids. That prompted a show of hands for who would be o.k. never having sex again and all the women raised their hands. My wife shared that as something that made her feel positive because she didn't feel alone in her lack of libido.

The background is that we have sex about every 4-6 weeks. I've talked to her about how this a lot lower than I'm happy with, and it makes me feel unloved and disconnected. She says that there's nothing wrong with me and it's on her end. Lately she's been talking to a therapist but doesn't feel like she's making any progress. I think the women she was with had smaller children. Ours are early teens.

I responded that I imagined it made her feel very isolated if she thought she was the only one with this issue and it probably felt good not to feel so alone. What I felt was pretty hopeless that she'd be o.k. never having sex again. I'm also nervous that having a bunch of friends saying the same thing will encourage her to stop making any effort to improve our sex life, allowing it to continue to deteriorate.

I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

Inform her the marriage is Open, then go out and meet your needs.. It's not cheating: it's a lifestyle choice, similar to a wife choosing to never/rarely have sex with husband.

He said he didn't want to do that... he phrased it that way specifically because he was trying to stop you from trotting that line out. Do you have another note you can play, ever?

Because this "line" is the one and only way to save his marriage. It forces her to deal (right now) with their sinking ship marriage. I can guarantee you they will eventually divorce, or some cute girl takes an interest in him and suddenly all his "I will never cheat" resolve melts away in the blink of an eye, or he discovers she's found her libido with a neighbor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

Inform her the marriage is Open, then go out and meet your needs.. It's not cheating: it's a lifestyle choice, similar to a wife choosing to never/rarely have sex with husband.

He said he didn't want to do that... he phrased it that way specifically because he was trying to stop you from trotting that line out. Do you have another note you can play, ever?

What he wants (enthusiastic sex from his wife) is admirable, but very likely unachievable.

He needs to face the bitter facts - the only choices are cheat, divorce, or live with crappy/infrequent sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just decide you’re not in the mood to support her anymore? She is getting what she needs and you’re not. That’s not fair at all, so decide you are not in the “financial mood”

And like others have pointed out, after the divorce she will find it again, she’s not against having sex, she’s against having sex with you

Because we love each other, and I don't particularly feel like being an asshole. It would be counterproductive and, in any case, I'd prefer masturbation over coerced sex.

"We love each other".

She doesn't love you. Or she'd be having frequent, enthusiastic sex with you. Remember what that was like? That was when she loved you.

[Anonymous]

You don’t stop having sex with people you love. You’ll find that out when she has a boyfriend 2 months after you separate.

[Anonymous]

Surprised by the anti-woman tone in many of the replies. I can imagine why these men are not successful in long term relationships, as they seem to think a woman “has to” have sex, as if they are bought and paid for. With that attitude, I suspect they have indeed been in this situation. The OP, however, seems a kind and warm man. Marriages have seasons, and the levels of intimacy are up and down. As another poster noted, women need to feel loved and appreciated to want to have sex, while men get hostile if they don’t have sex. This doesn’t work out so well, as hostile men are not real attractive to a woman. I’d suggest the OP step away from focusing on sex and instead spend some time trying to re-establish a loving relationship. Smiles, kind compliments, some hand-holding, dinners out, courting type behavior may make his wife feel loved and appreciated. Talking about things that interest her will help. Too often men become self-centered, arrogant, harsh without realizing it. A woman can begin to feel used, rather than loved - no care or attention, no interest in her thoughts or opinions is a turn off. Perhaps reestabishing a loving, interested attitude may help to make her feel loved and appreciated - and that’s when a woman is more interested in intimacy. Therapy may help, hormonal balance testing might help too. But most important sex organ is the brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you zoo, and I agree that the little kid years are wildly different than I imagine the teen years will be (...I mean, she even admitted that the book was about when you have little kids!). I fully admit I'm not someone who can speak with authority and I haven't been there yet (I'm in my early thirties and currently pregnant with my second), but I honestly wonder: is it that people who feel like this don't want to have sex with their HUSBANDS, or do they seriously feel zero sexual desire at all? Do they masturbate? I swear half the time I hear sex in your forties gets insane (in a good way) and half I hear about people who would be fine with never having sex again

Don't want to have sex with hisbands.

Yes on masturbation and having sex with anyone, but husband

Years and years of crushing, boring monogamy kill the desire for the husband in particular.

Touch base in a decade. You'll have a high drive and the same damn choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by the anti-woman tone in many of the replies. I can imagine why these men are not successful in long term relationships, as they seem to think a woman “has to” have sex, as if they are bought and paid for. With that attitude, I suspect they have indeed been in this situation. The OP, however, seems a kind and warm man. Marriages have seasons, and the levels of intimacy are up and down. As another poster noted, women need to feel loved and appreciated to want to have sex, while men get hostile if they don’t have sex. This doesn’t work out so well, as hostile men are not real attractive to a woman. I’d suggest the OP step away from focusing on sex and instead spend some time trying to re-establish a loving relationship. Smiles, kind compliments, some hand-holding, dinners out, courting type behavior may make his wife feel loved and appreciated. Talking about things that interest her will help. Too often men become self-centered, arrogant, harsh without realizing it. A woman can begin to feel used, rather than loved - no care or attention, no interest in her thoughts or opinions is a turn off. Perhaps reestabishing a loving, interested attitude may help to make her feel loved and appreciated - and that’s when a woman is more interested in intimacy. Therapy may help, hormonal balance testing might help too. But most important sex organ is the brain.

Everything about this answer shows you’re not reading and understanding anything OP has said or reported on how his wife feels. You’re just blathering generalities that don’t apply to his specific circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you speak with a gynecologist, you’ll find that this attitude about “ok never having sex again” is the norm for middle aged women who are married with children. This is how we are made by nature. It is normal.

I'm in my 40s. Two small kids. Sex 5-8 times a week. It has never been better! If I ever decide I don't ever want sex again I would get myself to a doctor!

[Anonymous]

I am surprised by so many people needing so much sex into their 40s and 50s. Biologically, the purpose of sex is procreation. That's why sex hormones are the strongest in one's teens and 20s.

[Anonymous]

To those who don't think there is a correlation between division of labor and sexual desire, many of the low drive women would likely bang another guy, they just don't want their husbands. Ask yourself why that is. Attention? Feeling like more than a house keeper? Shut up and grow a pair and own that you may be the issue, not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the 20th century the phenomenon of expecting “young sex” well into your middle age took off. Historically, this was never the case. You would have sex relatively young in order to procreation. You would use youthful passion to create a family. In your middle aged you’d expect sex to slow down and take backstage importance as your kids grow up and have kids of their own. There was a sense that things come with a season of life. In past times ageing, including hormonal and thus sexual ageing, was accepted as normal part of life. Today people expect to have repeat experiences of a 20-year -old and priorities are totally messed up. Hence, so many threads about sex by middle-aged people. Instead of accepting a companionate marriage in middle age many are willing to divorce and cheat in a fruitless attempt to capture passions of youth.

So true. Lots of divorced lonely men out there acting like High school boys chasing tail.