Wife would be ok never having sex again

[Anonymous]

Our kids are young adults and I can't recall our sexual frequency when they were young but I also don't ever recall my DH complaining so we must have had sex regularly. When they were teens we were quite frequent and we had a house layout that gave us a decent amount of privacy. When we became empty nesters and up until now we are at least once a week and often 2, definitely more when we are on vacation. I'm a big fan of hotel sex and when my DH takes me to a Four Seasons he knows it will be a fun evening.

I can't imagine never wanting to have sex again and I'm over 60.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My wife was at an event with a group of women. One said she was reading a book about how not to hate your spouse when you had little kids. That prompted a show of hands for who would be o.k. never having sex again and all the women raised their hands. My wife shared that as something that made her feel positive because she didn't feel alone in her lack of libido.

The background is that we have sex about every 4-6 weeks. I've talked to her about how this a lot lower than I'm happy with, and it makes me feel unloved and disconnected. She says that there's nothing wrong with me and it's on her end. Lately she's been talking to a therapist but doesn't feel like she's making any progress. I think the women she was with had smaller children. Ours are early teens.

I responded that I imagined it made her feel very isolated if she thought she was the only one with this issue and it probably felt good not to feel so alone. What I felt was pretty hopeless that she'd be o.k. never having sex again. I'm also nervous that having a bunch of friends saying the same thing will encourage her to stop making any effort to improve our sex life, allowing it to continue to deteriorate.

I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

Inform her the marriage is Open, then go out and meet your needs.. It's not cheating: it's a lifestyle choice, similar to a wife choosing to never/rarely have sex with husband.

I sense your wife really doesn't care what you do or who with going by all your posts.

I feel a need to advise other men with low-libido wives of how to save their marriage.

And you’re coming at it with your view that sex is ALL that matters in a marriage. If he’s not getting sex, then everything else—kids, shared interests, years of shared history, knowing each other like nobody else knows you—can and should go out the window!

Why not take matters into your own hands, for that matter?

I have a hunch you’ve never been married.

Actually the exact opposite! A wife who "goes of sex" has clearly established that sex is completely NOT important to the marriage at all. So, rather than throw away all those other things you mentioned (kids, shared interests, years of shared history, knowing each other) it makes alot more sense that the man goes and does that "unimportant thing" (sex) with another woman. In this way, the marriage can be saved. There is no other answer that keeps the marriage together. Opening the marriage is a last gasp effort to save it.

What BS. You keep coming back with “everything’s the wife’s fault” and rather than fix the problems in your end, you’re “entitled to an open marriage.” Agree with PPs that this is a threat rather than a sincere effort to share in fixing the marriage.

You didn’t answer the question about whether you’ve been married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are young adults and I can't recall our sexual frequency when they were young but I also don't ever recall my DH complaining so we must have had sex regularly. When they were teens we were quite frequent and we had a house layout that gave us a decent amount of privacy. When we became empty nesters and up until now we are at least once a week and often 2, definitely more when we are on vacation. I'm a big fan of hotel sex and when my DH takes me to a Four Seasons he knows it will be a fun evening.

I can't imagine never wanting to have sex again and I'm over 60.

I'm a little younger than you but I still love sex which would be a big surprise to people as I come off as a bit prudish. My DH and I never let kids get in the way of sex though there were plenty of nights when one or both of us was too exhausted but we always had sex at least once a week. Yes, sex with the same guy (my DH) can be a bit vanilla at times but most of the time its wonderful.

[Anonymous]

I must think like? a man, because I need sex to have an emotional connection. If my husband said that he would be happy never having sex again, I would have to leave. He knew where I stood on that subject before we married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It is a fallacy to believe that women aren't interested in sex in their middle ages.

I do think their is a correlation with the type of women that men choose to be their wives in their youth and their eventual decline/disinterest in sex with their marital partners. The women were probably lower libido women to begin with.

I am single and have always enjoyed good sex. So have my other single friends and single relatives. We are active, attractive, and high-earners, and have no problem finding suitable mates as we age.

So, don't give up there are plenty of us out there. Now, if you want to pull some of the "shenigans" that you are used to doing in your marriage, then stay married.

BTW, open marriages are not the answer and neither is cheating. Divorce, get your sh*t together, and meet someone who can enthusiastically meet your needs.

You are single and no different from divorced women who find their sex drive after a divorce. Not the same as people who have been married for 20+ yrs with children. Get off your high horse. You have no idea what you are talking about.

+2 you sound like an idiot PP. The pertinent issue here is sex WITHIN a long term marriage, not your single life - totally irrelevant. You have no idea what you're talking about

You are right, becuase enough men have bought your brand of kool-aid and cant see anything different. Suffer on!

(Huh?) I'm truly not sure what you're trying to say there, but moving on: if you really are unable to see that your experiences as a single childless woman are completely unrelated to the experiences of a couple that has been in a monogamous relationship for 20 years, cohabitated and raised children together...then I really can't help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a fallacy to believe that women aren't interested in sex in their middle ages.

I do think their is a correlation with the type of women that men choose to be their wives in their youth and their eventual decline/disinterest in sex with their marital partners. The women were probably lower libido women to begin with.

I am single and have always enjoyed good sex. So have my other single friends and single relatives. We are active, attractive, and high-earners, and have no problem finding suitable mates as we age.

So, don't give up there are plenty of us out there. Now, if you want to pull some of the "shenigans" that you are used to doing in your marriage, then stay married.

BTW, open marriages are not the answer and neither is cheating. Divorce, get your sh*t together, and meet someone who can enthusiastically meet your needs.

You are single and no different from divorced women who find their sex drive after a divorce. Not the same as people who have been married for 20+ yrs with children. Get off your high horse. You have no idea what you are talking about.

+2 you sound like an idiot PP. The pertinent issue here is sex WITHIN a long term marriage, not your single life - totally irrelevant. You have no idea what you're talking about

You are right, becuase enough men have bought your brand of kool-aid and cant see anything different. Suffer on!

(Huh?) I'm truly not sure what you're trying to say there, but moving on: if you really are unable to see that your experiences as a single childless woman are completely unrelated to the experiences of a couple that has been in a monogamous relationship for 20 years, cohabitated and raised children together...then I really can't help you.

I am not childless, nor void of long term relationships, but keep projecting and making excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a fallacy to believe that women aren't interested in sex in their middle ages.

I do think their is a correlation with the type of women that men choose to be their wives in their youth and their eventual decline/disinterest in sex with their marital partners. The women were probably lower libido women to begin with.

I am single and have always enjoyed good sex. So have my other single friends and single relatives. We are active, attractive, and high-earners, and have no problem finding suitable mates as we age.

So, don't give up there are plenty of us out there. Now, if you want to pull some of the "shenigans" that you are used to doing in your marriage, then stay married.

BTW, open marriages are not the answer and neither is cheating. Divorce, get your sh*t together, and meet someone who can enthusiastically meet your needs.

You are single and no different from divorced women who find their sex drive after a divorce. Not the same as people who have been married for 20+ yrs with children. Get off your high horse. You have no idea what you are talking about.

+2 you sound like an idiot PP. The pertinent issue here is sex WITHIN a long term marriage, not your single life - totally irrelevant. You have no idea what you're talking about

You are right, becuase enough men have bought your brand of kool-aid and cant see anything different. Suffer on!

(Huh?) I'm truly not sure what you're trying to say there, but moving on: if you really are unable to see that your experiences as a single childless woman are completely unrelated to the experiences of a couple that has been in a monogamous relationship for 20 years, cohabitated and raised children together...then I really can't help you.

I am not childless, nor void of long term relationships, but keep projecting and making excuses.

And first it was 10 years and now 20. Do you keep moving the goalpost with your husband too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually the exact opposite! A wife who "goes of sex" has clearly established that sex is completely NOT important to the marriage at all. So, rather than throw away all those other things you mentioned (kids, shared interests, years of shared history, knowing each other) it makes alot more sense that the man goes and does that "unimportant thing" (sex) with another woman. In this way, the marriage can be saved. There is no other answer that keeps the marriage together. Opening the marriage is a last gasp effort to save it.

What BS. You keep coming back with “everything’s the wife’s fault” and rather than fix the problems in your end, you’re “entitled to an open marriage.” Agree with PPs that this is a threat rather than a sincere effort to share in fixing the marriage.

You didn’t answer the question about whether you’ve been married.

Where did I blame my wife for anything? I was, and remain, committed to fixing any problems on my end. I am entitled to pursue a sex life... if my wife is not interested, then Yes, I am entitled to pursue sex outside the marriage. My decision to open the marriage was no more a threat than my wife's decision to not want sex yet remain married.

To answer your question: Yes, I am married, and have been for a long time. Same wife!

Here's the thing: all these women who "lose their libido" would DEFINITELY find it very soon after divorcing. I've witnessed this many times over. Clearly, these women are able to "find" it, provided they have sufficient motivation. Their husband just needs to motivate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a fallacy to believe that women aren't interested in sex in their middle ages.

I do think their is a correlation with the type of women that men choose to be their wives in their youth and their eventual decline/disinterest in sex with their marital partners. The women were probably lower libido women to begin with.

I am single and have always enjoyed good sex. So have my other single friends and single relatives. We are active, attractive, and high-earners, and have no problem finding suitable mates as we age.

So, don't give up there are plenty of us out there. Now, if you want to pull some of the "shenigans" that you are used to doing in your marriage, then stay married.

BTW, open marriages are not the answer and neither is cheating. Divorce, get your sh*t together, and meet someone who can enthusiastically meet your needs.

You are single and no different from divorced women who find their sex drive after a divorce. Not the same as people who have been married for 20+ yrs with children. Get off your high horse. You have no idea what you are talking about.

+2 you sound like an idiot PP. The pertinent issue here is sex WITHIN a long term marriage, not your single life - totally irrelevant. You have no idea what you're talking about

You are right, becuase enough men have bought your brand of kool-aid and cant see anything different. Suffer on!

(Huh?) I'm truly not sure what you're trying to say there, but moving on: if you really are unable to see that your experiences as a single childless woman are completely unrelated to the experiences of a couple that has been in a monogamous relationship for 20 years, cohabitated and raised children together...then I really can't help you.

I am not childless, nor void of long term relationships, but keep projecting and making excuses.

And first it was 10 years and now 20. Do you keep moving the goalpost with your husband too?

Lol what? Where do you see 10? There is no goalpost and actually my husband and I have a decent sex life, I was just echoing PP's assertion that you should go ahead and hop off your high horse because this conversation isn't relevant to you. And YOU are the one who describes yourself as single...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually the exact opposite! A wife who "goes of sex" has clearly established that sex is completely NOT important to the marriage at all. So, rather than throw away all those other things you mentioned (kids, shared interests, years of shared history, knowing each other) it makes alot more sense that the man goes and does that "unimportant thing" (sex) with another woman. In this way, the marriage can be saved. There is no other answer that keeps the marriage together. Opening the marriage is a last gasp effort to save it.

What BS. You keep coming back with “everything’s the wife’s fault” and rather than fix the problems in your end, you’re “entitled to an open marriage.” Agree with PPs that this is a threat rather than a sincere effort to share in fixing the marriage.

You didn’t answer the question about whether you’ve been married.

Where did I blame my wife for anything? I was, and remain, committed to fixing any problems on my end. I am entitled to pursue a sex life... if my wife is not interested, then Yes, I am entitled to pursue sex outside the marriage. My decision to open the marriage was no more a threat than my wife's decision to not want sex yet remain married.

To answer your question: Yes, I am married, and have been for a long time. Same wife!

Here's the thing: all these women who "lose their libido" would DEFINITELY find it very soon after divorcing. I've witnessed this many times over. Clearly, these women are able to "find" it, provided they have sufficient motivation. Their husband just needs to motivate them.

Yep, they will find it long enough to get another husband. As long as you open the marriage to other married AP, cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be happy NEVER having to clean a toilet, change a diaper, do your taxes, spending your holidays with the in-laws...

Try to understand how your wife feels. At least she confided in you whereas most women would not. Instead they would tell a close friend.

Sex must be great in your house, seeing what you equate it with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try this: go one YouTube and study some clips on how to give a relaxing massage. Then one weekend, see if you can unload the kids for a night. Take your wife to her favorite restaurant or make her favorite meal. Ask her questions about things in her life or her interests and listen to her responses. Suggest a movie in bed or maybe a favorite tv show. When the show is done, say something like: hey, it's been a long week. Why don't I give you a back rub? Then take the coconut oil you bought earlier in the week, out of the hot water you have been warming it with and apply a little to her bare back. If she gets nervous, show her it's just coconut oil and it's good for her skin. Take your time and get her entire back, shoulders and arms. Pay attention to her body as it will tell you when to rub harder or when it's too hard. You can start by just pushing her shirt up on her back but eventually, ask she relaxes and is more comfortable and as you want to get to her shoulders, the shirt should come off. As you wrap things up on her back, make sure to finish in the lower back area and start working the upper buttocks (stay clear of the crack). Slowly, gently work off her bottoms and massage her ass checks but, again, stay clear of anything that could be perceived as sexual. Got all the way down to her feet, applying the oil as needed. Also, make sure the room is warm enough that she will be comfortable, not cold, naked. When you work her thighs, don't attempt to graze, touch or even tease her pussy. After you have really worked the feet, ask her to turn over and work your way up, again, avoiding the pussy. Massaging the boobs is ok, just don't give any special attention to the nipple. You can also YouTube boob massages to learn the difference between a sexual massage and a relaxing massage. Make sure you get all the way to the fingers and hands. When you finish, pull the sheet up over her, get back in bed and ask her to rest her head on your chest. Then give her a facial massage (no oil here, use a towel to wipe any excess from your hands prior to starting. When you finish, ask if that was ok and then ask if there is anything else she wants to watch.

At this point, she will be amazed that you have spent that much time touching her without pushing for sex. She may think "he finally gets me". She may get turned on and jump your ones. But most likely, she'll be skeptical. It's important for a woman to know you can touch her and she can touch you and it doesn't have to lead to sex or a fight about sex.

If she brings up sex at the end, just answer, you know I love to have sex/make love with you but don't feel obligated. I know you had a long week and I just wanted you to feel good.

For many women who have lost their way, something like this can renew a spark, make them look at you differently. Where the majority of what she normally sees after 15-20 years together is the things that annoy her, now she sees the reason she fell in love, the reason she married you. It make take another session for her to believe it wasn't just a ploy to get in her pants (of course it was) but it will be worth the investment if you can jumpstart her libido.

Remember this doesn't mean the the next night you are sitting in bed naked with your arms folded behind your head and porn on the tv, screaming "my turn tonight" the minute she emerges from the bathroom.

Pretty much a load for most. Like another poster wrote, "stop trying to make fetch happen". For women who "lost their way" sounds like you really have no clue and are making excuses. If you're not interested nor attracted it's not fun no matter what tricks you use. Those women are thinking at the end, "thank God that's over. I'm good for a month now". lol

+1. This might work for some women, but by and large, the women who just want to be left alone or to go to sleep aren't going to love this lengthy procedure.

Maybe so. But many women grow to resent their H because there is never touching without at least an attempted sexual encounter. These couples were once in love. Some times it just takes a change of perspective. There aren't too many people that don't enjoy a good massage.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing: all these women who "lose their libido" would DEFINITELY find it very soon after divorcing. I've witnessed this many times over. Clearly, these women are able to "find" it, provided they have sufficient motivation.

You don’t get a pat on the back for wanting to have sex with Brad Pitt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Here's the thing: all these women who "lose their libido" would DEFINITELY find it very soon after divorcing. I've witnessed this many times over. Clearly, these women are able to "find" it, provided they have sufficient motivation.

You don’t get a pat on the back for wanting to have sex with Brad Pitt.

There are a lot of legitimate reasons to want sex. Being horny is the best one. But continuing to enjoy all the non-sexual benefits of marriage is another valid reason to have sex. Obviously most low-libido wives find value in staying married (otherwise they would be EX wives and threads like this would not exist). OP, you need to frame the conversation properly. What she wants (a faithful husband who meets all of HER needs while she "gets to" never/rarely have sex) she cannot have. Not with you. Tell her exactly this. She might just "find" her libido, the same way she certainly would post-divorce. Or, worst case, you are free to go outside for your normal needs. Either way, your sexless marriage problem is solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife was at an event with a group of women. One said she was reading a book about how not to hate your spouse when you had little kids. That prompted a show of hands for who would be o.k. never having sex again and all the women raised their hands. My wife shared that as something that made her feel positive because she didn't feel alone in her lack of libido.

The background is that we have sex about every 4-6 weeks. I've talked to her about how this a lot lower than I'm happy with, and it makes me feel unloved and disconnected. She says that there's nothing wrong with me and it's on her end. Lately she's been talking to a therapist but doesn't feel like she's making any progress. I think the women she was with had smaller children. Ours are early teens.

I responded that I imagined it made her feel very isolated if she thought she was the only one with this issue and it probably felt good not to feel so alone. What I felt was pretty hopeless that she'd be o.k. never having sex again. I'm also nervous that having a bunch of friends saying the same thing will encourage her to stop making any effort to improve our sex life, allowing it to continue to deteriorate.

I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

Inform her the marriage is Open, then go out and meet your needs.. It's not cheating: it's a lifestyle choice, similar to a wife choosing to never/rarely have sex with husband.

He said he didn't want to do that... he phrased it that way specifically because he was trying to stop you from trotting that line out. Do you have another note you can play, ever?