Has anyone on here found their spouse on the Ashley Madison list?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes and a new fake email address I didn't know about. I confronted him and got the password for AM (he had wiped his account) and then I used the same password to get into his email. I found the mother load there. At least 8 different accounts at various hookup sites, starting from about a year ago. Also an email referring to a pay as you go cell account for a phone I didn't know about.
We have a 2.5 yr old and I'm 3 months pregnant. He's going to have to find a place to stay after he comes by to visit his daughter tonight. I don't want to be near him.

I'm so so sorry. Hugs. My first husband was a filthy dog. Married to a wonderful man now. Transfer all $$ into your name only. Hoard cash & try to live off of joint credit cards. Discreetly liquidate anything of his that's valuable. Get a lawyer but keep meetings & phone calls short and focused.

Thank you. Luckily I'm ok financially and actually have way more cash than he does. The only joint acct we have is for paying the mortgage and household expenses. I have my own savings. I'm only worried about how this may affect my daughter and future child. It sounds funny to say but other than this he is a great father and husband (of course this overshadows any of the good he's done as a father). The lies don't stop.

Did you have children when you left?

Not to get off topic but this wast situation too. Thought it was good till he got 1/2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes and a new fake email address I didn't know about. I confronted him and got the password for AM (he had wiped his account) and then I used the same password to get into his email. I found the mother load there. At least 8 different accounts at various hookup sites, starting from about a year ago. Also an email referring to a pay as you go cell account for a phone I didn't know about.
We have a 2.5 yr old and I'm 3 months pregnant. He's going to have to find a place to stay after he comes by to visit his daughter tonight. I don't want to be near him.

I'm so so sorry. Hugs. My first husband was a filthy dog. Married to a wonderful man now. Transfer all $$ into your name only. Hoard cash & try to live off of joint credit cards. Discreetly liquidate anything of his that's valuable. Get a lawyer but keep meetings & phone calls short and focused.

Thank you. Luckily I'm ok financially and actually have way more cash than he does. The only joint acct we have is for paying the mortgage and household expenses. I have my own savings. I'm only worried about how this may affect my daughter and future child. It sounds funny to say but other than this he is a great father and husband (of course this overshadows any of the good he's done as a father). The lies don't stop.

Did you have children when you left?

It doesn't sound funny to say. Most of the men and women who cheat are good parents. The reason we use Hitler and Mother Theresa as examples is because they are true extremes of evil and good. Most of us are human and fall in the middle, we succeed and fail at times. Your husband failed at monogamy. He is human and he sounds like a genuinely good man. You can decide if this is a deal breaker or not, and no one would blame you if this was. But don't let the torch bearers egg you on. You may be able to get past this and resume your life with this man who is a known great father and husband.

Good luck, you have tough decisions, along with 37 million other married couples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ridiculous to divorce a man who is a good husband and father, over cheating. You'll likely just end up with another cheater anyway because most men just aren't built for monogamy. Better to keep your family intact for the sake of your children. Monogamy is not natural or easy for most men.

Easy for you to say when you are not in this poster's shoes.

Of course it's easy for the poster to say. We can sit back and look at the situation without emotion. But what he said is true. If every marriage were to end where a man screwed up on a monogamous committment - be it a ONS, a massage parlor, an indiscretion at a bachelor party, a flirty night with a co-worker gone too far, full blown affair - the vast majority of marriages would end. Including most of the posters on the board who are encouraging divorce. Your husbands have likely screwed up too.

I am not justifying it (and I was not on Ashley Madison, thank the lord) but I did screw up in the early years of my marriage. That was 14 years ago, my DW never found out, I would never do it again, and we have built a fantastic life together. She would tell you our marriage is perfect and I feel similarly (and for all I know she has had an indiscretion too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ridiculous to divorce a man who is a good husband and father, over cheating. You'll likely just end up with another cheater anyway because most men just aren't built for monogamy. Better to keep your family intact for the sake of your children. Monogamy is not natural or easy for most men.

Easy for you to say when you are not in this poster's shoes.

Of course it's easy for the poster to say. We can sit back and look at the situation without emotion. But what he said is true. If every marriage were to end where a man screwed up on a monogamous committment - be it a ONS, a massage parlor, an indiscretion at a bachelor party, a flirty night with a co-worker gone too far, full blown affair - the vast majority of marriages would end. Including most of the posters on the board who are encouraging divorce. Your husbands have likely screwed up too.

I am not justifying it (and I was not on Ashley Madison, thank the lord) but I did screw up in the early years of my marriage. That was 14 years ago, my DW never found out, I would never do it again, and we have built a fantastic life together. She would tell you our marriage is perfect and I feel similarly (and for all I know she has had an indiscretion too).

Pp, count on it bud, your DW cheated on you and hopefully it was delish. Women can sense when DH goes astray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ridiculous to divorce a man who is a good husband and father, over cheating. You'll likely just end up with another cheater anyway because most men just aren't built for monogamy. Better to keep your family intact for the sake of your children. Monogamy is not natural or easy for most men.

Easy for you to say when you are not in this poster's shoes.

Of course it's easy for the poster to say. We can sit back and look at the situation without emotion. But what he said is true. If every marriage were to end where a man screwed up on a monogamous committment - be it a ONS, a massage parlor, an indiscretion at a bachelor party, a flirty night with a co-worker gone too far, full blown affair - the vast majority of marriages would end. Including most of the posters on the board who are encouraging divorce. Your husbands have likely screwed up too.

I am not justifying it (and I was not on Ashley Madison, thank the lord) but I did screw up in the early years of my marriage. That was 14 years ago, my DW never found out, I would never do it again, and we have built a fantastic life together. She would tell you our marriage is perfect and I feel similarly (and for all I know she has had an indiscretion too).

PP here, I'm not a he actually, I'm just a woman and a wife and a realist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ridiculous to divorce a man who is a good husband and father, over cheating. You'll likely just end up with another cheater anyway because most men just aren't built for monogamy. Better to keep your family intact for the sake of your children. Monogamy is not natural or easy for most men.

Easy for you to say when you are not in this poster's shoes.

Of course it's easy for the poster to say. We can sit back and look at the situation without emotion. But what he said is true. If every marriage were to end where a man screwed up on a monogamous committment - be it a ONS, a massage parlor, an indiscretion at a bachelor party, a flirty night with a co-worker gone too far, full blown affair - the vast majority of marriages would end. Including most of the posters on the board who are encouraging divorce. Your husbands have likely screwed up too.

I am not justifying it (and I was not on Ashley Madison, thank the lord) but I did screw up in the early years of my marriage. That was 14 years ago, my DW never found out, I would never do it again, and we have built a fantastic life together. She would tell you our marriage is perfect and I feel similarly (and for all I know she has had an indiscretion too).

"Vast majority" is vastly overstating it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ridiculous to divorce a man who is a good husband and father, over cheating. You'll likely just end up with another cheater anyway because most men just aren't built for monogamy. Better to keep your family intact for the sake of your children. Monogamy is not natural or easy for most men.

Pp whom you're addressing. I get what you're saying. But how can I let him touch me again and still keep any shred of dignity? I already forgave him a slip up 3 yrs ago. In this most recent incident I went through his secret email account and he was on many many websites (AM, POF, Cougarlife messaging 52 yr old women and he's 36 etc etc.) and it goes back over a year. I also got into all of those accounts and he was messaging local women exchanging pictures and trying to set up meetings. He's got a problem. He's a very very good looking man who would have no problems picking up women IRL. Who knows what he's up to on top of all the online stuff? A little real life flirtation now and then can be exciting and add some spice to a marriage. But to see the messages to countless women (most of whom frankly can't hold a candle to me) is just gross.
If I decide to keep my family intact you can bet I'll be out there as well lucky for him im pregnant right now or maybe I'd be out there.

By the way within an hour of knowing he was busted he was setting up new secret email and fb accounts. He doesn't know I have the password for those too. Sucker. It'll be fun watching the action from the sidelines and seeing what he's up to. The whole time he'll be swearing up and down that he's learnt his lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ridiculous to divorce a man who is a good husband and father, over cheating. You'll likely just end up with another cheater anyway because most men just aren't built for monogamy. Better to keep your family intact for the sake of your children. Monogamy is not natural or easy for most men.

Pp whom you're addressing. I get what you're saying. But how can I let him touch me again and still keep any shred of dignity? I already forgave him a slip up 3 yrs ago. In this most recent incident I went through his secret email account and he was on many many websites (AM, POF, Cougarlife messaging 52 yr old women and he's 36 etc etc.) and it goes back over a year. I also got into all of those accounts and he was messaging local women exchanging pictures and trying to set up meetings. He's got a problem. He's a very very good looking man who would have no problems picking up women IRL. Who knows what he's up to on top of all the online stuff? A little real life flirtation now and then can be exciting and add some spice to a marriage. But to see the messages to countless women (most of whom frankly can't hold a candle to me) is just gross.
If I decide to keep my family intact you can bet I'll be out there as well lucky for him im pregnant right now or maybe I'd be out there.

By the way within an hour of knowing he was busted he was setting up new secret email and fb accounts. He doesn't know I have the password for those too. Sucker. It'll be fun watching the action from the sidelines and seeing what he's up to. The whole time he'll be swearing up and down that he's learnt his lesson.

Whooaa. Hope you get out and are able to move on to something much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Found the name of a guy who is engaged to be married. The marriage is taking place in the near future.

I don't know if his fiancee is aware of this. If I were in her place I'd want to know but that does not mean I should tell her. OTOH, if she finds out later that I knew and did not tell her I don't know what her reaction would be.

Not to jump on you, but what the heck does that even mean? You'd want to know, but that doesn't mean you should tell her? She's about to MARRY the guy for heaven's sake. If EVER there was a time to tell her this, it's NOW, so she can decide if this is what she wants to do and hear his explanation for it.

I don't get all the "friends" on here who wouldn't tell their friend. It sounds to me like you PP and others are just scared to have to be the messenger. It does NOT sound like you're acting in what you really think is your friends' interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's your place to inform spouses or fiances. It's between them. This whole thing is painful enough that people don't need the added embarrassment of having their friends in on this painful moment.

I think this is an opportunity for good and many of these people on that website are going to make significant changes in their lives. I think anyone meddling in someone else's relationship may make things more difficult for these couples to mend.

As someone who found their spouse I agree. We are trying to reconcile. Get counseing. I don't know if I can handle friends and family telling me. I might just give up. I'm not that strong.

Seriously PP, please just make sure you're not just staying with your spouse to avoid the humiliation of explaining to anyone else what happened and why you're breaking up. That is not worth it if otherwise you think this is a dealbreaker. It definitely would be a deal-breaker for me. Others telling you meaning you would cave just doesn't sound like staying is what you want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found my husband. He cheated on me before and I thought we worked through it. We have 2 very small children. The last credit card payment happened when I was 8 months pregnant. I confronted him last night. I'm devastated. I can't see this going anywhere but divorce. I think he is a sex addict or something.

It's an awful way to find out but better to know he didn't really change. So sorry for you, but glad you know the truth and can ditch someone with that little regard, honesty, or respect for you or your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found my husband. He cheated on me before and I thought we worked through it. We have 2 very small children. The last credit card payment happened when I was 8 months pregnant. I confronted him last night. I'm devastated. I can't see this going anywhere but divorce. I think he is a sex addict or something.

Stay strong, if you have small kids then please start counseling. Don't start thinking about divorce, if possible try to work things out and hopefully he regrets doing this and learns his lesson. It's hard to raise small kids by yourself, try to keep the family together (I don't mean this as a sexist advise, just practical). Good luck!

Are you kidding PP??? "Try to work things out and hopefully he regrets doing this and learns his lesson"?? Apparently you MISSED the OP (of this post)'s statement that he cheated before and she thought they worked through it! "Don't start thinking about divorce" is the worst advice ever. What's ahead for this poster if she stays with someone so dishonest, disrespectful and awful? Would you or OP really want your own daughters to stay with someone like that if this happened to them? FOR A SECOND TIME??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suppose this is easy to say since neither I nor spouse are on the list.

What these lists show is how common infidelity is. 30 million members in the U.S. Now add in all the people who have or attempted to cheat through old fashioned communication, Craigslist, Facebook. People aren't good at monogamy.

I can't tell you what to do, but I have a hard time believing all of these families are going to be better off with public humiliation, divorce, broken homes, etc. I have a ton of sympathy for spouses caught up in this. Perhaps it helps those who found their spouses names to know that many many more of your friends have also been cheated on and the only difference is they get to go on with life blissfully unaware.

I've been on all 3 sides of the "infidelity triangle": I've been cheated on, I've been cheated with, and I've been the cheater. 15 yrs ago I finally realized: any one of those roles is completely toxic to my life. I swore never to be in any of those roles again, and I never have been. Been married 10 yrs and it was one thing I made clear right off the bat with DH: I told him "You're going to do what you're going to do. I would hope if we have problems or you're not happy, you'll tell me. But let me make this crystal clear: if you cheat on me, you're gone. Period, end of story. I will tell your family and mine, and you are gone. There is no coming back. So consider that if you ever want to cheat."

I did this to my boyfriend of 13 yrs ago, and when he cheated, I broke up with him. I knew the woman he cheated with, and he thought I was going to go after her. I said screw her, she's not the one I was in a committed relationship with.

I truly believe I wouldn't have found my wonderful husband if I hadn't been clear with myself and the world that I don't care how high a % other people cheat: I'm not having it. It's too toxic and I know that from experience. I will not accept it, kids or no kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prostitutes should be safe and legal. In Thailand, guys stop by the brothel on the way home to their families. Just a release, and they are in a much better mood when they get home. No emotional connection.

As long as women are just as free to have extramarital fun and friends, a non-monogamous standard is fine. (But Thai brothels are a horrible example, hello, a lot of those "women" are children!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's your place to inform spouses or fiances. It's between them. This whole thing is painful enough that people don't need the added embarrassment of having their friends in on this painful moment.

I think this is an opportunity for good and many of these people on that website are going to make significant changes in their lives. I think anyone meddling in someone else's relationship may make things more difficult for these couples to mend.

As someone who found their spouse I agree. We are trying to reconcile. Get counseing. I don't know if I can handle friends and family telling me. I might just give up. I'm not that strong.

So sorry to hear that, PP. What do you say to posters on here who says "what's the big deal about a spouse having affairs - this is 2015!"?

I am not the PP. However, I am in the camp that says "what's the big deal about an affair" and I say this from the standpoint that affairs are common and we need to have some other model that monogamy or divorce. I say that partly as a message of support to those wrestling with the question of should I stay or go now that I see my spouse on Ashley Madison, since there are many people out here who wouldn't look down on either part of the couple in an affair - they happen and will happen to most of us, whether our spouses get caught or not.

And I also know that if it was my spouse who cheated, I would be extremely hurt. So I can recognize the individual pain of an affair while also recognizing that people cheat because we are all flawed humans.

Good luck.

DP, cool, glad you can accept your "inner flawed human". But this is still a bunch of bullshit. If it's not a big deal, then people shouldn't lie about it. It's allegedly "so common" that some have the mistaken view that it's "accepted" - but interestingly, only accepted by those who do it or want to do it, not those cheated on.

This is not just about sex. It's about dishonesty, betrayal, and at times putting your spouse's health at risk without them knowing. The idea that it's just what it is and it's not a big deal is a load of crap, given the lengths to which people go to cover it up.

No one can have it both ways. If it's not a big deal, tell your spouse what you're doing. If you have to it in secret and lie about it, it's obviously a big deal.