Raising older teens is challenging

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are well-respected in our community and from the outside people think we have a perfect life. We have an ASD son who smokes pot and speaks poorly to us. We have a 15 year old who was caught shoplifting and we will have to go to court. I have no one I can talk to. I feel so alone. Paying for a therapist for the 15 year old and I wish I had the time and money to pay for one for me but even now her needs take precedence. I avoid friendships and haven't even told my own parents what is going on.

I have the almost identical situation

[Anonymous]

You don't know how much better it makes me feel just to know that I am not the only one. SHoplifter mom here. (Hi, heroin mom!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This has certainly made me more nervous then ever as my kids head into the teen years. I'm all ears on any advice you have to make it even slightly less bumpy.
Hugs to you all.

Yeah, I am in tears reading this and my sons are only 9 and 11

Kudos to all, you are here cause you care!

[Anonymous]

Heroin mom here.

DD is very active in NA. Last Saturday night, a 17 year old showed up at the meeting wearing khakis, Sperries, and a Ralph Lauren polo shirt. She a a couple of others took him our to Starbucks afterwards and as they were talking, it was clear he was in withdrawal (cocaine, apparently).

They took him to a psych hospital that does detox and had him call his parents who arrived in shock. They thought he was at his senior prom. He is an athlete and has been accepted at a top 20 university. They had no idea he was using.

Two days ago they sent him to an inpatient rehab. He won't be able to attend graduation, but luckily he had finished his classes.

I can't imagine what they are going through. These parents had a son with all the achievements a parent could want and suddenly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are well-respected in our community and from the outside people think we have a perfect life. We have an ASD son who smokes pot and speaks poorly to us. We have a 15 year old who was caught shoplifting and we will have to go to court. I have no one I can talk to. I feel so alone. Paying for a therapist for the 15 year old and I wish I had the time and money to pay for one for me but even now her needs take precedence. I avoid friendships and haven't even told my own parents what is going on.

I have the almost identical situation

Finally told my parents, it was a big relief.

[Anonymous]

good for you. hope you get the support you need xx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are well-respected in our community and from the outside people think we have a perfect life. We have an ASD son who smokes pot and speaks poorly to us. We have a 15 year old who was caught shoplifting and we will have to go to court. I have no one I can talk to. I feel so alone. Paying for a therapist for the 15 year old and I wish I had the time and money to pay for one for me but even now her needs take precedence. I avoid friendships and haven't even told my own parents what is going on.

I have the almost identical situation

Finally told my parents, it was a big relief.

Great. Now take time for yourself. Make a friend and tell her/him. Not everyone is judgmental and everyone has problems. Get help. Therapy may be covered by your medical insurance or ask for a discount. Reach out.

[Anonymous]

Resurrecting an old thread. It would be interesting to hear updates on how things are going with your kids. I hope they are all well.

I found an empty condom wrapper under DD16's bed a few days ago. She has had a (nice) boyfriend for over a year, but they don't see each other a lot outside of school and almost seemed more like friends to me. Apparently I was wrong.

DD16=a junior, somewhat of an introvert, straight A's, smart, kind. DH is not taking this well at all. Angry, hurt, judgmental. I am sad but trying to be realistic. I want her to be safe and not ruin her life. I'm not sure how to handle this and could use someone rational to speak with. Right now DH is not being rational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Resurrecting an old thread. It would be interesting to hear updates on how things are going with your kids. I hope they are all well.

I found an empty condom wrapper under DD16's bed a few days ago. She has had a (nice) boyfriend for over a year, but they don't see each other a lot outside of school and almost seemed more like friends to me. Apparently I was wrong.

DD16=a junior, somewhat of an introvert, straight A's, smart, kind. DH is not taking this well at all. Angry, hurt, judgmental. I am sad but trying to be realistic. I want her to be safe and not ruin her life. I'm not sure how to handle this and could use someone rational to speak with. Right now DH is not being rational.

jonestly, she sounds like she's doing fine. I'm assuming the sex is earlier than you anticipated but she's got a nice steady, she's being careful, she's still being successful. Sounds like you've done a good job so far.

[Anonymous]

You cannot be 100% sure she's having sex--condom wrapper could have fallen out of a friend's bag, she might have been given one in health class and wrapper came home, etc.

But she probably is--and good for her for being safe about it. A long-lasting contraceptive like an IUD or depo-provera that she doesn't have to remember each night would be wise, but still use protection against STDs.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't know if I would tell my husband if I found evidence that our daughter was having sex. This site gives me so much to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS, 17, is in a way too serious relationship with his girlfriend. Yes, he is having sex.

Same here but a DD. It isn't even the actual sex that bothers me, it is the seriousness of the relationship. They are like a married couple. Both good kids, both excellent students with friends and outside activities but still... She is just too young.

I was one of these and now am a married couple with my high school boyfriend. Did I miss out on some "typical college things" -- aka partying a lot and sleeping around? Sure. But my life is really, really good. I consider myself lucky to have found the one for me when I did.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if your DD is happy, her boyfriend treats her well, she has her own life still .... it could be so, so much worse.

This was my parents -- met in high school, married in college, were happy together their whole lives. There's something special about having all that shared history. (By the way, my Mom's father refused to come to their wedding. They eventually patched things up, but it seriously damaged their relationship, and I don't think my Mom ever totally got over it.)

[Anonymous]

PP here that resurrected this thread with DD16. Thank you for the kind words. I am second-guessing myself on if I should have told my husband, but too late now. Just felt he had the right to know. If I had a do-over I might have handled it differently.

[Anonymous]

I've got El Chapo over here. He would smoke pot 24 hours a day if he could. He's 17 and goes to college next year. Pray for me.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who posted the following:

17-year-old DS who exploded with righteous indignation whenever corrected about anything, no matter how pleasantly (wipe up footprints, close up the bag of shredded cheese, don't put clean clothes on the floor). Also that he doesn't go out with friends ever but seems happy. I also posted above that he was really, really difficult and oppositional at age 10, that we used the Kazdin method with him pretty successfully, and that every year since then had been an improvement so that overall he was pretty pleasant most of the time. And I also posted that DH was sometimes worse than DS really and often the cause of problems between them.

Happy to report that at 18, DS is getting along well with both DH and me, still doing well in school, has been accepted to several colleges. He has a job and is a big help around the house. I still worry that he doesn't get out enough and I really worry that he will be lonely when he goes away to college. But mostly he is great and I feel positive about his future.

Now I've got another kid ready to enter the teen years....

Hope things are looking up for others as well.