new DIL didn't like my gift :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given how determined the OP appears to be that there was nothing wrong with the gift, I suspect this DIL is in for a rough ride. I hope her DH can put up appropriate boundaries with OP (which he didn't do here, at all).

OP-probably shouldn't engage but...what exact boundaries are you referring to? He texted ME about the gift, I was blindsided and had no idea, as we had just had a nice phone convo minutes before where we had all said greetings (speakerphone) and I had asked if the package with their gifts had arrived on time (it had). So not sure what boundary you think I broached.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still side with DIL - of course she's hurt - you got your son a gift and you got the dog a gift - an animal you admittedly call your "grand-pet" that you love, but basically didn't get anything at all for DIL.

Note, she didn't mention a thing to you. Your son did. I imagine her feelings would be pretty hurt if she even said something to him.

I would be hurt if my mil bought my husband something for himself and gave me a gift card to buybuybaby to spend on my kids. Now, maybe I don't love them as much as dog people love dogs, but no matter how great a stroller or outfit or backyard toy is, it's not for me.

Op again-my mom and I were just talking about this yesterday. Now, I would be thrilled to get a buybuybaby card-I would splurge on something fancy for baby that I might otherwise not have. My mom likes things like that too. She pointed out that maybe not everyone is like us, and maybe would have wanted something just for them. So I guess that is a possibility here.

I didn't get her the clothes card because I thought that might look like 'I thought you looked raggedty so get some new stuff'. Ds DID look like that hahaha so I got that for him.

So many landmines in these situations!

As far as DS, I worry...it's out of character for him to have said something at all. I hope he wanted to tell me this stuff, and wasn't made or guilted into it. We've always been close, and I am very supportive of him. Like I said, I am letting it go and will act like nothing happened. I do understand that DIL and I probably are not going to be close, sadly, but I will always act nice. I think that is what my DS would prefer.

OP you sound great. There is just no pleasing some folks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP here...in my defense, I did suggest to ds (before Christmas) that I might get a nice Kitchen Aid mixer for her, as mine and my moms also has been the workhorse of our kitchens. Plus I could order it online for them to pickup where they live. Ds informed me they had a mixer, (not a kitchenaid one). In retrospect I should have just got the nice one-but they are going to move after graduating next may and it's one more thing to move.

I guess what I'm feeling is-my MIL has given odd gifts to us for 20 years. Up to and including yesterday Dh and I have always smiled and said Thank You, and never even considered saying anything to her about it. So DS grew up with this example (we taught the kids the same, they got some wierd stuff but handwrote nice thank you notes to her). So what happened? In my family we just don't question others about gifts.

But I'm going to let it go and not mention it again. For safety from now on I'll just get them each the same gift.

OP, don't get me wrong, you sound like a nice person and I think you were very nice in thinking about your DS and DIL. you made a gift and you should get a thank you note no matter what. however: in this situation the big dumb one is your son, I can't believe he told you what the wife said, he really seems to have a lot of growing up to do (every year my MIL gives me a purple sweater, a color that I hate and does not look good on me - I know she likes that color and does not mean this as a slight, although after years of gifts of the same awful color, with a pile of sweaters I never wear I wonder if she ever realized that maybe a plane black one would be better - but I always thank her and genuinely appreciate her because she is a nice person - we live far away and last year, before opening the package she had mailed, I smiled and said "I bet this is a purple sweater" - and it was. my husband was there and laughed too and thought better than telling his mother). Your gave your son a personal gift and your DIL a gift for the household and this was not nice. However, you gave her a gift that was reasonably nice and if she did not thank you she was rude.

I am a little puzzled of your choice of gifts for your DIL. you gave your son a gift certificate for a clothing store where he can get clothes for himself. bur for your new DIL, you got basically a gift for a dog. now you are saying that you were thinking of a kitchen mixer? why do you think that your son deserves clothing for himself, and your DIL a kitchen appliance? I am sure you meant well, but a mixer would be more a gift for both. this is not the 50's anymore where a vacuum cleaner could be considered a personal gift for a woman. would you have given a gift certificate to a clothing store to your DIL and a new mixer to your son?

This poster nailed it. You gave your son a personal gift and DIL a household gift. Had you given both of them household gifts - like the gift card for their joint pet or an appliance for their shared kitchen, I think no feelings would have been hurt. Instead, you differentiated and gave your son a personal gift but not one for DIL. It isn't about whether the specific gift was appropriate but whether it was kind in the context of your overall gift giving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given how determined the OP appears to be that there was nothing wrong with the gift, I suspect this DIL is in for a rough ride. I hope her DH can put up appropriate boundaries with OP (which he didn't do here, at all).

OP-probably shouldn't engage but...what exact boundaries are you referring to? He texted ME about the gift, I was blindsided and had no idea, as we had just had a nice phone convo minutes before where we had all said greetings (speakerphone) and I had asked if the package with their gifts had arrived on time (it had). So not sure what boundary you think I broached.

Reading comprehension, op.

Your son needs appropriate boundaries. He should not have shared with you what likely was a comment your DIL made in confidence to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given how determined the OP appears to be that there was nothing wrong with the gift, I suspect this DIL is in for a rough ride. I hope her DH can put up appropriate boundaries with OP (which he didn't do here, at all).

OP-probably shouldn't engage but...what exact boundaries are you referring to? He texted ME about the gift, I was blindsided and had no idea, as we had just had a nice phone convo minutes before where we had all said greetings (speakerphone) and I had asked if the package with their gifts had arrived on time (it had). So not sure what boundary you think I broached.

It doesn't sound like there's a specific boundary you broached here, I was talking in the broader sense, mostly about cutting apron strings and remembering that his first loyalty should now be to his wife. From what you described in another post about being close to your son, it sounds like there's a history of him telling you near everything, and perhaps an expectation that he will continue to do so. He'll need to figure out for himself that this is no longer appropriate, and that everything his wife says shouldn't go back to you. Boundaries aren't just for keeping out, they're also for keeping in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given how determined the OP appears to be that there was nothing wrong with the gift, I suspect this DIL is in for a rough ride. I hope her DH can put up appropriate boundaries with OP (which he didn't do here, at all).

OP-probably shouldn't engage but...what exact boundaries are you referring to? He texted ME about the gift, I was blindsided and had no idea, as we had just had a nice phone convo minutes before where we had all said greetings (speakerphone) and I had asked if the package with their gifts had arrived on time (it had). So not sure what boundary you think I broached.

Reading comprehension, op.

Your son needs appropriate boundaries. He should not have shared with you what likely was a comment your DIL made in confidence to him.

Yes, this persona articulated it better than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given how determined the OP appears to be that there was nothing wrong with the gift, I suspect this DIL is in for a rough ride. I hope her DH can put up appropriate boundaries with OP (which he didn't do here, at all).

OP-probably shouldn't engage but...what exact boundaries are you referring to? He texted ME about the gift, I was blindsided and had no idea, as we had just had a nice phone convo minutes before where we had all said greetings (speakerphone) and I had asked if the package with their gifts had arrived on time (it had). So not sure what boundary you think I broached.

Reading comprehension, op.

Your son needs appropriate boundaries. He should not have shared with you what likely was a comment your DIL made in confidence to him.

Not OP or PP . See bolded, OP read this post exactly as it was worded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I've been a MIL for a few weeks. They got married fairly quickly, and I don't really know DIL well. They also live hours away and I had a baby this fall, so it's not like I had a lot of spare time to get in their business.

DIL and ds have a pet they love, so I got her a gift card to a pet supply place, thinking she might enjoy getting some stuff for pet that she might otherwise not spend on (they are students so not much $). Ds got a gift card to a popular lower-cost casual clothing store, he needs some new jeans and stuff.

Ds informed me this morn that dil was hurt that I got something for ds to use for 'him', and something for her to use for 'beloved pet'.

holy crap, what do they expect me to do? I told him, switch the cards if you want, I thought her card was more personal than just getting a card to a random box store. In fact I had checked with ds as to what store they shop for pet at, and went out of my way to drive to the one nearest me to get the card (it was a few towns away).

I've been a really good DIL to my MIL and I have never once questioned any of the gifts she's given over the years, even the odd ones. This really hurts.

Think how she feels. You bought her a GC to a PET STORE. Really, really strange gift, OP. "Here's some $ to spend on your pet while your DH goes and shops for himself."

And, sorry, being a good DIL doesn't mean keeping your mouth shut. So, you need to get over that.
I'm not sure I'd say or do anything at this point. But, next year, use your brain and get a more thoughtful gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I've been a MIL for a few weeks. They got married fairly quickly, and I don't really know DIL well. They also live hours away and I had a baby this fall, so it's not like I had a lot of spare time to get in their business.

DIL and ds have a pet they love, so I got her a gift card to a pet supply place, thinking she might enjoy getting some stuff for pet that she might otherwise not spend on (they are students so not much $). Ds got a gift card to a popular lower-cost casual clothing store, he needs some new jeans and stuff.

Ds informed me this morn that dil was hurt that I got something for ds to use for 'him', and something for her to use for 'beloved pet'.

holy crap, what do they expect me to do? I told him, switch the cards if you want, I thought her card was more personal than just getting a card to a random box store. In fact I had checked with ds as to what store they shop for pet at, and went out of my way to drive to the one nearest me to get the card (it was a few towns away).

I've been a really good DIL to my MIL and I have never once questioned any of the gifts she's given over the years, even the odd ones. This really hurts.

Think how she feels. You bought her a GC to a PET STORE. Really, really strange gift, OP. "Here's some $ to spend on your pet while your DH goes and shops for himself."

And, sorry, being a good DIL doesn't mean keeping your mouth shut. So, you need to get over that.
I'm not sure I'd say or do anything at this point. But, next year, use your brain and get a more thoughtful gift.

OP has said they are broke students. OP has no idea what DIL likes, but she does know she loves her dog and probably can't afford to buy it a lot of frivolous stuff. Sounds like she used her brain just fine to me, DIL just didn't like it. And that's fine too, son shouldn't have said anything. But the OP did try to be thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I've been a MIL for a few weeks. They got married fairly quickly, and I don't really know DIL well. They also live hours away and I had a baby this fall, so it's not like I had a lot of spare time to get in their business.

DIL and ds have a pet they love, so I got her a gift card to a pet supply place, thinking she might enjoy getting some stuff for pet that she might otherwise not spend on (they are students so not much $). Ds got a gift card to a popular lower-cost casual clothing store, he needs some new jeans and stuff.

Ds informed me this morn that dil was hurt that I got something for ds to use for 'him', and something for her to use for 'beloved pet'.

holy crap, what do they expect me to do? I told him, switch the cards if you want, I thought her card was more personal than just getting a card to a random box store. In fact I had checked with ds as to what store they shop for pet at, and went out of my way to drive to the one nearest me to get the card (it was a few towns away).

I've been a really good DIL to my MIL and I have never once questioned any of the gifts she's given over the years, even the odd ones. This really hurts.

Think how she feels. You bought her a GC to a PET STORE. Really, really strange gift, OP. "Here's some $ to spend on your pet while your DH goes and shops for himself."

And, sorry, being a good DIL doesn't mean keeping your mouth shut. So, you need to get over that.
I'm not sure I'd say or do anything at this point. But, next year, use your brain and get a more thoughtful gift.

NP here, not getting why a pet store gift card is so inappropriate? I get the joint gift for her/personal gift for him logic, but setting that aside -- is a gift to a pet store really so awful? I gave one to a dog-loving friends a few years back for her birthday, it never occurred to me it might be offensive. If it's such an awful gift, why do pet stores even sell gift cards? Who are you supposed to give them to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given how determined the OP appears to be that there was nothing wrong with the gift, I suspect this DIL is in for a rough ride. I hope her DH can put up appropriate boundaries with OP (which he didn't do here, at all).

OP-probably shouldn't engage but...what exact boundaries are you referring to? He texted ME about the gift, I was blindsided and had no idea, as we had just had a nice phone convo minutes before where we had all said greetings (speakerphone) and I had asked if the package with their gifts had arrived on time (it had). So not sure what boundary you think I broached.

Reading comprehension, op.

Your son needs appropriate boundaries. He should not have shared with you what likely was a comment your DIL made in confidence to him.

Not OP or PP . See bolded, OP read this post exactly as it was worded.

You can't read either. The OP also then questions what boundaries the pp thinks the OP broached. I pointed out it was the son who had boundary issues, not the OP.

Christ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given how determined the OP appears to be that there was nothing wrong with the gift, I suspect this DIL is in for a rough ride. I hope her DH can put up appropriate boundaries with OP (which he didn't do here, at all).

OP-probably shouldn't engage but...what exact boundaries are you referring to? He texted ME about the gift, I was blindsided and had no idea, as we had just had a nice phone convo minutes before where we had all said greetings (speakerphone) and I had asked if the package with their gifts had arrived on time (it had). So not sure what boundary you think I broached.

Reading comprehension, op.

Your son needs appropriate boundaries. He should not have shared with you what likely was a comment your DIL made in confidence to him.

Not OP or PP . See bolded, OP read this post exactly as it was worded.

You can't read either. The OP also then questions what boundaries the pp thinks the OP broached. I pointed out it was the son who had boundary issues, not the OP.

Christ.

I hope her DH can put up appropriate boundaries with OP (which he didn't do here, at all)[/b]

This ^ insinuates that OP pushed a boundary with the son and that he needs to put up a boundary with OP.

It seems like several posters see it that way PP. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Yeah BTDT -as a DIL

MIL consistently gave personal gifts to H, while I received gifts for the household (baking pans anyone? And no, I don't really bake). Then as kids came along, more of the same. Kids and H got personal gifts, and I got - household stuff. But I wrote thank you notes for every single gift. H never set up boundaries with his M, even after she started acting increasingly passive aggressively towards me. (during one visit, when I was 8.5 months pg with kid #2, she though it would be hilarious she and H left a Safeway shopping cart on our front lawn, since it would look kinda icky, and I'd have to wheel it 4 blocks back to the store. So they did. So weird).

FFWD a few years, and H is now an ex, and MIL has stopped all contact with and our children. Well, actually so has H, so I guess he did draw boundaries in a way, I just never knew I was the one on the outside.

So - to the new MIL - treat your new DIL with kindness and love and as part of your family. You should do fine. And hopefully your DS will step up and recognize that his DW is his primary family now. Good luck. How about just a plain old $50 gift card that she can spend as she chooses? On a pet or on herself. One for your DS and one for your DIL. Not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

PP here - sorry for the typos.

But all true - and no, I did NOT wheel that cart back to the store. I made H do it. Which sets up lovely dynamics between a husband and wife. A very pg wife who is also chasing a toddler. Very classy stuff.

[Anonymous]

Your son should not have told you this. The DIL may have felt that way but that is talk between husband and wife.