new DIL didn't like my gift :(

[Anonymous]

What did they send you and the newborn,OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You gave her a gift certificate to PETsmart!! I would tell everyone I know and laugh about your rudeness for years. My mother in law was horribly paasive aggresive and she never gave me something that rude. Talk about a message!

NP here. Sometimes a banana is just a banana, you know. Although if you are determined to get offended, you'll find hidden messages everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here...in my defense, I did suggest to ds (before Christmas) that I might get a nice Kitchen Aid mixer for her, as mine and my moms also has been the workhorse of our kitchens. Plus I could order it online for them to pickup where they live. Ds informed me they had a mixer, (not a kitchenaid one). In retrospect I should have just got the nice one-but they are going to move after graduating next may and it's one more thing to move.

I guess what I'm feeling is-my MIL has given odd gifts to us for 20 years. Up to and including yesterday Dh and I have always smiled and said Thank You, and never even considered saying anything to her about it. So DS grew up with this example (we taught the kids the same, they got some wierd stuff but handwrote nice thank you notes to her). So what happened? In my family we just don't question others about gifts.

But I'm going to let it go and not mention it again. For safety from now on I'll just get them each the same gift.

OP, don't get me wrong, you sound like a nice person and I think you were very nice in thinking about your DS and DIL. you made a gift and you should get a thank you note no matter what. however: in this situation the big dumb one is your son, I can't believe he told you what the wife said, he really seems to have a lot of growing up to do (every year my MIL gives me a purple sweater, a color that I hate and does not look good on me - I know she likes that color and does not mean this as a slight, although after years of gifts of the same awful color, with a pile of sweaters I never wear I wonder if she ever realized that maybe a plane black one would be better - but I always thank her and genuinely appreciate her because she is a nice person - we live far away and last year, before opening the package she had mailed, I smiled and said "I bet this is a purple sweater" - and it was. my husband was there and laughed too and thought better than telling his mother). Your gave your son a personal gift and your DIL a gift for the household and this was not nice. However, you gave her a gift that was reasonably nice and if she did not thank you she was rude.

I am a little puzzled of your choice of gifts for your DIL. you gave your son a gift certificate for a clothing store where he can get clothes for himself. bur for your new DIL, you got basically a gift for a dog. now you are saying that you were thinking of a kitchen mixer? why do you think that your son deserves clothing for himself, and your DIL a kitchen appliance? I am sure you meant well, but a mixer would be more a gift for both. this is not the 50's anymore where a vacuum cleaner could be considered a personal gift for a woman. would you have given a gift certificate to a clothing store to your DIL and a new mixer to your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP here...in my defense, I did suggest to ds (before Christmas) that I might get a nice Kitchen Aid mixer for her, as mine and my moms also has been the workhorse of our kitchens. Plus I could order it online for them to pickup where they live. Ds informed me they had a mixer, (not a kitchenaid one). In retrospect I should have just got the nice one-but they are going to move after graduating next may and it's one more thing to move.

I guess what I'm feeling is-my MIL has given odd gifts to us for 20 years. Up to and including yesterday Dh and I have always smiled and said Thank You, and never even considered saying anything to her about it. So DS grew up with this example (we taught the kids the same, they got some wierd stuff but handwrote nice thank you notes to her). So what happened? In my family we just don't question others about gifts.

But I'm going to let it go and not mention it again. For safety from now on I'll just get them each the same gift.

OP, don't get me wrong, you sound like a nice person and I think you were very nice in thinking about your DS and DIL. you made a gift and you should get a thank you note no matter what. however: in this situation the big dumb one is your son, I can't believe he told you what the wife said, he really seems to have a lot of growing up to do (every year my MIL gives me a purple sweater, a color that I hate and does not look good on me - I know she likes that color and does not mean this as a slight, although after years of gifts of the same awful color, with a pile of sweaters I never wear I wonder if she ever realized that maybe a plane black one would be better - but I always thank her and genuinely appreciate her because she is a nice person - we live far away and last year, before opening the package she had mailed, I smiled and said "I bet this is a purple sweater" - and it was. my husband was there and laughed too and thought better than telling his mother). Your gave your son a personal gift and your DIL a gift for the household and this was not nice. However, you gave her a gift that was reasonably nice and if she did not thank you she was rude.

I am a little puzzled of your choice of gifts for your DIL. you gave your son a gift certificate for a clothing store where he can get clothes for himself. bur for your new DIL, you got basically a gift for a dog. now you are saying that you were thinking of a kitchen mixer? why do you think that your son deserves clothing for himself, and your DIL a kitchen appliance? I am sure you meant well, but a mixer would be more a gift for both. this is not the 50's anymore where a vacuum cleaner could be considered a personal gift for a woman. would you have given a gift certificate to a clothing store to your DIL and a new mixer to your son?

That would be a good wedding gift or housewarming gift, but yeah, if you're doing individual gifts, the poetaster GC is pretty lame for a new DIL.

[Anonymous]

poetster = petstore.

[Anonymous]

There are a LOT of dog lovers who would be very happy with a gift cert to a pet store. Unless the store only sells food, whatever the dog owner picks out could be just as much a gift for herself as for the dog.

[Anonymous]

I still side with DIL - of course she's hurt - you got your son a gift and you got the dog a gift - an animal you admittedly call your "grand-pet" that you love, but basically didn't get anything at all for DIL.

Note, she didn't mention a thing to you. Your son did. I imagine her feelings would be pretty hurt if she even said something to him.

I would be hurt if my mil bought my husband something for himself and gave me a gift card to buybuybaby to spend on my kids. Now, maybe I don't love them as much as dog people love dogs, but no matter how great a stroller or outfit or backyard toy is, it's not for me.

[Anonymous]

OMG. Such drama over gifts. Who cares? Next time, call your son and ask him what your DIL likes and buy it. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did they send you and the newborn,OP?

How is this relevant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did they send you and the newborn,OP?

Nothing-I do not want them to spend anything on me or dh. They are students, and both work also-I would much rather they spend their limited income on things they need, and school.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is one of those tricky situations where no one is right or wrong. Well, I'd amend that to say your son was wrong to tell you about his wife's reaction of displeasure. But here's the thing -- from your new DIL's perspective it might have seemed like a giftcard for their pet was an impersonal gift from you. From your perspective it seems like you were trying to be thoughtful. I think the real issue is that you guys don't know each other well yet. In time this will change and it will all go more smoothly. I'd send a little something personal to the DIL, not connected to the next holiday but "just because." I'd go with a small piece of jewelry, a scarf or fashion accessory, scented soaps, etc or even a small gift card to Ulta or Sephora. You can send it with a nice note about how much you enjoyed seeing them at the holidays.

[Anonymous]

You have to be pretty dense to miss the symbolic meaning on this gift! It is like giving a guide to divorce as a wedding present ?

[Anonymous]

Given how determined the OP appears to be that there was nothing wrong with the gift, I suspect this DIL is in for a rough ride. I hope her DH can put up appropriate boundaries with OP (which he didn't do here, at all).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still side with DIL - of course she's hurt - you got your son a gift and you got the dog a gift - an animal you admittedly call your "grand-pet" that you love, but basically didn't get anything at all for DIL.

Note, she didn't mention a thing to you. Your son did. I imagine her feelings would be pretty hurt if she even said something to him.

I would be hurt if my mil bought my husband something for himself and gave me a gift card to buybuybaby to spend on my kids. Now, maybe I don't love them as much as dog people love dogs, but no matter how great a stroller or outfit or backyard toy is, it's not for me.

Op again-my mom and I were just talking about this yesterday. Now, I would be thrilled to get a buybuybaby card-I would splurge on something fancy for baby that I might otherwise not have. My mom likes things like that too. She pointed out that maybe not everyone is like us, and maybe would have wanted something just for them. So I guess that is a possibility here.

I didn't get her the clothes card because I thought that might look like 'I thought you looked raggedty so get some new stuff'. Ds DID look like that hahaha so I got that for him.

So many landmines in these situations!

As far as DS, I worry...it's out of character for him to have said something at all. I hope he wanted to tell me this stuff, and wasn't made or guilted into it. We've always been close, and I am very supportive of him. Like I said, I am letting it go and will act like nothing happened. I do understand that DIL and I probably are not going to be close, sadly, but I will always act nice. I think that is what my DS would prefer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given how determined the OP appears to be that there was nothing wrong with the gift, I suspect this DIL is in for a rough ride. I hope her DH can put up appropriate boundaries with OP (which he didn't do here, at all).

Yeah, "Put up appropriate boundaries." We all know what that means.

OP is at that stage of life sadly faced by mothers of sons: You like your new DIL, you do your best, you try to be generous and tactful, but whatever you do is experienced as not just wrong, but as an intentional assault on DIL. Try to help? Intrusive!!! Stand back? Cold and uncaring!!! Etc. etc.

If DIL is young she may come to a different place as she matures. Or, as PP said, your son may have married a harpy. Time will tell.