I don't want my kid to be the only white student . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a difficult time at a popular charter because of race. Lots of whites and AA but no true mixing. The white families do not include non-whites in many of their social events. They don't even think there is something wrong with it.

My daughter makes her own list for birthday parties and the occasional group playdate. (Usually three kids at a time, either at home or at a park.) The list includes all races. I issue the invitations. Only the white children come. I have NEVER had a black or hispanic family bring their child to my house. One time, a hispanic family came to a park playdate. That's in spite of the fact that I chat with the parents at pickup time, and send the invitations individually, instead of as a group email.

I really don't know what more I can do. Thoughts?

Keep trying. Or, get to know one or more of the parents (introduce yourself at a birthday party). My white PreK student has had an AA friend over for a sleepover, and one of her 5 BFFs is also AA, along with 3 white friends, and another multi-racial friend. Perhaps our school is an anomaly, but if there's racial tension between the families or the children, I'm unaware.

She hasn't been invited to any birthday parties for her black or hispanic friends. And there have been no minority families at the parties of the other white children. (I didn't ask the mother if those families were invited.
And there isn't any tension, to speak of. Everyone is friendly around the school. But no mixing, either, despite my efforts.

This. Are there school playdates? Maybe you need more opportunities to socialize so parents will know each other better?

I am AA, my DD is mixed, and at the two schools she's attended (one currently attending) in the metro area everyone socializes, does playdates, and goes to everyone's parties, I've never seen any kind of exclusion or discomfort. But that kind of environment is a priority for me, so if it doesn't feel friendly and comfortable when I visit, if I don't get that vibe from parents' descriptions on the listservs I frequent, I cross it off my list.

[Anonymous]

OP- here. The original question (and I will try to simplify it for all those who felt I was confusing in the original post) was about the (any) parent who lives in Washington, DC and then voices they don't want their child to be the "only white child" in the class and choosing a public school on that fact alone.

The post who's DD had the bad experience, at least had an experience that formed her opinion. (I also hate that this happen to your DD and hope you know that not all "only white" situations will turn out like that) She did not immediately start off with a formed idea that she did not want DD in an all black class.

In a school district that is 72% Black and 14% Hispanic, I was curious of the determination that your child can not be the only white in their class.

Nothing to do with PTA's or cussing on the Metro, etc.

Many of us, AA, who grew up after segregation have endured "only" situations countless times and we knew going into the environment (school, clubs, jobs, meetings) that being the "only" would be a possibility and we dealt with it.

I guess that is why I am surprised, that someone could come into Washington DC makes the statement they don't want the "only" situation when shouldn't you know that the possibility exist.

This was not to start a race debate but more a discussion similar to "what did you expect and should you have expected something else".

By no means am I suggesting that anyone put their child in harms way, and again the poster who was honest about her experience gave a great example of how she came to this mind set. We don't have to agree with it, I just wanted to understand when a person makes the statement.

[Anonymous]

OP - Here -
1 2 3 - Flame away!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- here. The original question (and I will try to simplify it for all those who felt I was confusing in the original post) was about the (any) parent who lives in Washington, DC and then voices they don't want their child to be the "only white child" in the class and choosing a public school on that fact alone.

The post who's DD had the bad experience, at least had an experience that formed her opinion. (I also hate that this happen to your DD and hope you know that not all "only white" situations will turn out like that) She did not immediately start off with a formed idea that she did not want DD in an all black class.

In a school district that is 72% Black and 14% Hispanic, I was curious of the determination that your child can not be the only white in their class.

Nothing to do with PTA's or cussing on the Metro, etc.

Many of us, AA, who grew up after segregation have endured "only" situations countless times and we knew going into the environment (school, clubs, jobs, meetings) that being the "only" would be a possibility and we dealt with it.

I guess that is why I am surprised, that someone could come into Washington DC makes the statement they don't want the "only" situation when shouldn't you know that the possibility exist.

This was not to start a race debate but more a discussion similar to "what did you expect and should you have expected something else".

By no means am I suggesting that anyone put their child in harms way, and again the poster who was honest about her experience gave a great example of how she came to this mind set. We don't have to agree with it, I just wanted to understand when a person makes the statement.

no need for flames, but if you posted something like this as your original post, maybe you would have started a conversation. but you did not, and these are the reasons I did not like your original post. first, you commented on the people saying I don't want my child to be the only white, leaving out all other situations where a child could be "the only" (white, black, latino, asian and so on). why limiting only to whites? second, you immediately went on saying " Most of the time I can clearly just define the racist beliefs or better than that the distinction to have the children not associate with a certain class of non-white people". again, no conversation, no discussion, no asking why people did that, but bam! you did that you are racist (maybe this is why you left out the situations where people say I don't want my child to be the only black, othewise based on the same standard, you would have had to admit that these people are racist too?). so, overall, the discussion on this topic is interesting and relevant, but you started it, IMHO, not as an opening for a discussion, but as a (frankly racist) smack in the face. you last post is different and hopefully will generate better answers

[jsteele]

I was asked to close this thread, but have been busy most of the morning. I wanted to read the thread first before deciding whether to close it. It's a pretty long thread, so I am just now getting to the end. I think I will let the thread go for a while because many of the posts are very interesting.

For the record, I had no trouble understanding the OP's original post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Jeff please close down this thread. It has taken a completely different turn than the intended question and the spread of this hatred is just not needed.

Your attempt to shut this down is far more offensive than anything else being written here. Seriously. And I applaud Jeff for refusing.

Shame on you, pp.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, I think your answer is found in a few responses in this thread. At least one girl was told to get her "white ass" out, another parent overheard parents saying cruel things about her daughter's hair. Several posters have said that their kids aren't invited to play dates or invitations are refused. The story of the Payne PTA takeover was a real eye-opener to me.

So when you ask, "what did you expect when you send your kid to a school where they are the only white one," the answer is NOT THAT.

[jsteele]

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, I think your answer is found in a few responses in this thread. At least one girl was told to get her "white ass" out, another parent overheard parents saying cruel things about her daughter's hair. Several posters have said that their kids aren't invited to play dates or invitations are refused. The story of the Payne PTA takeover was a real eye-opener to me.

So when you ask, "what did you expect when you send your kid to a school where they are the only white one," the answer is NOT THAT.

Since I just read all the posts in this thread and they are fresh in my mind, I think you are putting too negative of a spin on things. The refused invitations were not from "only" children. I also think it is important to acknowledge -- and be appreciative of -- the good experiences some of the "only" children had.

If anything, this thread shows that the situation in DC and DCPS is very complicated and not easily summarized. There are as many good stories and experiences as bad.

[Anonymous]

I know it's a tough subject - but have experiences been as bad across all ethnic groups, e.g., have African-American "only" kids in mostly Hispanic schools had a bad experience, but white "only one" kids in Hispanic-heavy schools had a better time of it? Or vice-versa?

I'm self-interested in that I'm strongly considering placing my Hispanic but white-appearing (blonde, pale, blue-eyed) child in a school with a LOT more straightforwardly Hispanic-appearing students. Is that a recipe for problems, or is language ability enough, etc.?

[Anonymous]

I am reading this post with great interest as someone who has been an "only" my entire life. I would have no problem putting my children in a similiar position. I think the problem with our children generally is the fact that we shelter them from all adversity and cheer everything little thing they do regardless of merit. It is time that we all step out of our comfort zones a little. You might be surprised at how you and children can benefit from that discomfort. Every (insert cultural group here) is not scary or bigoted.

[Anonymous]

the OP also could have just dropped out of the conversation -- no one would have known

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's a tough subject - but have experiences been as bad across all ethnic groups, e.g., have African-American "only" kids in mostly Hispanic schools had a bad experience, but white "only one" kids in Hispanic-heavy schools had a better time of it? Or vice-versa?

I'm self-interested in that I'm strongly considering placing my Hispanic but white-appearing (blonde, pale, blue-eyed) child in a school with a LOT more straightforwardly Hispanic-appearing students. Is that a recipe for problems, or is language ability enough, etc.?

I think you need to re-frame that question. All you can get are anecdotes (only a relative handful, at that), and the plural of anecdote is not data.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me really sad.

I have been the only, and while I do not have kids, my niece is currently the only at her Rockville private school.

Thankfully, we have had very different experiences. When I was growing up, I was ridiculed by my white classmates for being black, and by my black "friends" for acting white.

My niece on the other hand has had a fabulous experience at her school. She's one of the most popular kids, and she get the full experience: play dates, birthday parties, etc. In our neighborhood, it's very diverse so she doesn't get those "traitor" responses from her peers at home.

That said, racist language and behaviors are not confined to any one group, anyone who believes that is either being facetious or is very naive. I have heard white children as young as 4/5 use the "N" word as if it's something they here often. I have also heard black children of the same age use words like "cracker", white ass etc.

Racism is not confined to any one race, nor is it confined to any one socioeconomic group. Poor people tend to be more blatant with their racism, richer people just do a better job of hiding it. Either way it's still there.

There are many people in this thread who quite frankly need to face reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Jeff please close down this thread. It has taken a completely different turn than the intended question and the spread of this hatred is just not needed.

But honestly, these are real issues, and some of the hardest to read posts in this thread are exactly why some of these complicated dynamics in schools exist. I applaud OPs honesty re: her feelings about this larger issue, but you can't expect a thread that starts out talking about the challenges of being a racial "only" in a school to somehow dance delicately around people's prejudices - both the ones we each know we have, and the ones we don't see in ourselves but others see/perceive in our statements.

It's all real, and one of the things I like most about DCUM is that even though it can be nastily biting and sometimes totally inappropriate, because it's DC and it's anonymous, there are more honest conversations and statements here than anywhere else I can think of on the web.

Unless it gets abusive or perosnal, I would hope Jeff leaves this up.

Well, the problem with this is that I think because of the anonymous nature, people exaggerate or flat out lie in order to support a bias or point of view they already have, especially when it comes to race (and I'm not implying that only one race does this; I think it happens on all sides).

I've read in a number of places on DCUM about how the anonymity allows for "honest conversations," but on what basis can anyone make that statement because there's really no way to verify if people are being honest in all of the anecdotal stories they're providing! And seriously, the threads that are the most controversial are the ones with the *MOST* anecdotal stories to back up a claim. I think there have even been studies that have shown people are much more inclined to lie when they can do so anonymously.

My point is, these difficult, charged, controversial issues with regard to race (be it in schools, in neighborhoods -- like the PG county threads), these issues aren't going to be resolved on an anonymous thread. And if anything, I think all of these anonymous anecdotal posts only do more damage because it's an easy way to propagate various prejudices and bias. If a parent was on the verge of sending his/her child to a school where the kid might be an only and then read this thread, my guess is they back up and change course, even though there's no way to verify whether any of the anecdotes on here are either (a) true or (b) representative of the majority of situations (versus being tragic anomalies).

And while there are a few positive posts, the majority here are very negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The old guard in DCPS will be difficult to go against. It's like trying to fight the southern bigots who were against school desegregation. Anyone attempting to do this should know that you have your work cut out for you. I'm going to be honest and let you know the real deal. Some blacks in DC don't like white people. They resent gentrification, they resent white families moving in their neighborhoods, and they resent white children attending DCPS. Some are even resistant towards middle and upper class blacks because they feel as though we are "sellouts." I know many white liberals have this utopia mindset and they value multiculturalism. However, know that many blacks in DC don't have this utopia mindset and are very much against change. Some blacks like the segregated DCPS. They're fearful of whites coming into "their" schools. They like the status quo and the dysfunctionalism that comes along with it. The victim and "I hate whitey" mentality is a vicious cycle to break in the black community. I hear more opposition against diversity or change from blacks in DC than I do whites. I often hear all the time, "The man is trying to keep us down" or "white people are trying to take over." So, it's difficult to fight this type of mentality because it's a generational thing that is pass down from grandparents to parents to their children. I'm AA and even I have to admit sometimes that we are our own worst enemies. For a school to not have a thriving PTA is ridiculous. For a school to ignore racist bullying is even more disturbing. If DCPS don't get their act together, then many families both black and white will seek better options for their children rather it's private or parochial schools. Some will leave the city all together for Fairfax or Montgomery County Schools. It will take lots of patient families to overcome the storms and obstacles of DCPS in regards to race relations. It's just disheartening that in 2013 we're still talking about school desegregation in Washington DC.

I think this is an interesting point/perspective. I wish I knew the resolution.