DD Classmates' Mother Confronted DD on Playground at School WTH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I'm waffling on which side I agree with. Then it occurred to me that it would depend on how the situation happened. If OPs DD when asked, said "oh, I'm really sorry, but I promised Larla and Jane they could sit next to me. But, join us and sit across from me and tomorrow we can sit next to each other." I'd agree with OP and say that the volunteer mum was completely out of line. But, if OPs DD when asked said "NO! I always sit next to Larla and Jane. You can't sit with us." and the other girl asked if she could sit at the table and OPs dd responds "Whatever - do what you want" and then proceeds to ignore volunteer mum's kid throughout lunch, I'd agree with volunteer mum and appreciate if she spoke to my kid if it was mine that behaved that way.

I guess it all depends on how the whole lunch-gate went down.

Well neither mom really knows, does she? Which is precisely why the adults should act like adults and speak to each other before addressing the situation with their respective children. It's really a no-brainer here unless you are a helicopter parent who is overly emotionally involved in your child's social battles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I'm waffling on which side I agree with. Then it occurred to me that it would depend on how the situation happened. If OPs DD when asked, said "oh, I'm really sorry, but I promised Larla and Jane they could sit next to me. But, join us and sit across from me and tomorrow we can sit next to each other." I'd agree with OP and say that the volunteer mum was completely out of line. But, if OPs DD when asked said "NO! I always sit next to Larla and Jane. You can't sit with us." and the other girl asked if she could sit at the table and OPs dd responds "Whatever - do what you want" and then proceeds to ignore volunteer mum's kid throughout lunch, I'd agree with volunteer mum and appreciate if she spoke to my kid if it was mine that behaved that way.

I guess it all depends on how the whole lunch-gate went down.

no, no, no...read a couple threads up...even if it went down the second way this is something for a 9 year old to manage on her own. If she needs the teacher or lunch monitor to help out fine. A parent has no place in this type of VERY TYPICAL lunchroom scenario. Kid needs a backbone and stepping in over this is not teaching her coping skills. She is 9 for chrissakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I'm waffling on which side I agree with. Then it occurred to me that it would depend on how the situation happened. If OPs DD when asked, said "oh, I'm really sorry, but I promised Larla and Jane they could sit next to me. But, join us and sit across from me and tomorrow we can sit next to each other." I'd agree with OP and say that the volunteer mum was completely out of line. But, if OPs DD when asked said "NO! I always sit next to Larla and Jane. You can't sit with us." and the other girl asked if she could sit at the table and OPs dd responds "Whatever - do what you want" and then proceeds to ignore volunteer mum's kid throughout lunch, I'd agree with volunteer mum and appreciate if she spoke to my kid if it was mine that behaved that way.

I guess it all depends on how the whole lunch-gate went down.

no, no, no...read a couple threads up...even if it went down the second way this is something for a 9 year old to manage on her own. If she needs the teacher or lunch monitor to help out fine. A parent has no place in this type of VERY TYPICAL lunchroom scenario. Kid needs a backbone and stepping in over this is not teaching her coping skills. She is 9 for chrissakes.

Exactly. Just wait until this kid is 18 and can't pick her own college classes, can't navigate her way through a university system, is calling her mom 10 times a day to help solve her problems and ends up on meds after a visit to the campus health service. Yeah, it happens - a lot. I used to work as a college fundraiser and got pulled in on everything from choosing a major to transferring majors/schools to fixing a maintenance issue in the kid's room by these helpless moms who are so useless that they can't help their children make their own choices or solve their own problems. It is pathetic and frightening. These kids end up in the workforce where they need their hand held constantly. These parenting choices have repercussions.

[Anonymous]

I posted yesterday that I thought the other mother's behavior was inappropriate. I still think so. When I've volunteered for lunch duty at my son's public schools, I've actually learned how to handle this kind of stuff better by watching the teachers and other staff - when kids run to them with a problem or a dispute, they really do put the onus on the kids to work things out amongst themselves. It's good for them to learn problem-solving skills, and neither teachers nor parents should be refereeing every dispute among kids of this age. For that reason alone, the OP should mention this incident to the teacher or principal; I'm sure they don't want parents using volunteer duty as a vehicle for fighting battles on behalf of their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted yesterday that I thought the other mother's behavior was inappropriate. I still think so. When I've volunteered for lunch duty at my son's public schools, I've actually learned how to handle this kind of stuff better by watching the teachers and other staff - when kids run to them with a problem or a dispute, they really do put the onus on the kids to work things out amongst themselves. It's good for them to learn problem-solving skills, and neither teachers nor parents should be refereeing every dispute among kids of this age. For that reason alone, the OP should mention this incident to the teacher or principal; I'm sure they don't want parents using volunteer duty as a vehicle for fighting battles on behalf of their kids.

+1 Even my youngest's preschool teachers do this! They teach the kids to work it out amongst the selves (a little coaching at such a young age)--but its remarkable how well they do. At 9--I am appalled the mother stepped in and rather disgusted. She should be banned from the playground. By no means should volunteering be used to intimidate your child's classmates. Grown-up bully.

[Anonymous]

If your daughter doesn't seem to care about the incident, I'm not sure what the problem is. If it gets repeated and/or bothers your daughter, then it might be worth stepping in.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one on this whole long-ass thread who has a problem with "Everyone must be included in everything"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one on this whole long-ass thread who has a problem with "Everyone must be included in everything"?

No. I've been railing against this for years. Not everyone is going to like you, you won't be invited to every party, you won't be the best at everything, and you don't deserve a trophy just for participating. I hate this mentality and I will fight against it until I die. I want my kid to have a real sense of self-esteem and a realistic estimation of his strengths and weaknesses, to be able to productively cope with failure and disappointment, and to learn that he is capable of navigating the world successfully on his own.

I do not want him turning into one of these 18 year olds that falls apart in their freshman year of college and has a nervous breakdown b/c I failed as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one on this whole long-ass thread who has a problem with "Everyone must be included in everything"?

No. I've been railing against this for years. Not everyone is going to like you, you won't be invited to every party, you won't be the best at everything, and you don't deserve a trophy just for participating. I hate this mentality and I will fight against it until I die. I want my kid to have a real sense of self-esteem and a realistic estimation of his strengths and weaknesses, to be able to productively cope with failure and disappointment, and to learn that he is capable of navigating the world successfully on his own.

I do not want him turning into one of these 18 year olds that falls apart in their freshman year of college and has a nervous breakdown b/c I failed as a parent.

I'm the PP to whom you're responding. Excellent points, all of them. I wish more people had this outlook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one on this whole long-ass thread who has a problem with "Everyone must be included in everything"?

No. I've been railing against this for years. Not everyone is going to like you, you won't be invited to every party, you won't be the best at everything, and you don't deserve a trophy just for participating. I hate this mentality and I will fight against it until I die. I want my kid to have a real sense of self-esteem and a realistic estimation of his strengths and weaknesses, to be able to productively cope with failure and disappointment, and to learn that he is capable of navigating the world successfully on his own.

I do not want him turning into one of these 18 year olds that falls apart in their freshman year of college and has a nervous breakdown b/c I failed as a parent.

What's wrong with teaching children to be inclusive? We are social animals and thrive the most when in groups. Making our kids congnizant of the need to include others is teaching them empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one on this whole long-ass thread who has a problem with "Everyone must be included in everything"?

No. I've been railing against this for years. Not everyone is going to like you, you won't be invited to every party, you won't be the best at everything, and you don't deserve a trophy just for participating. I hate this mentality and I will fight against it until I die. I want my kid to have a real sense of self-esteem and a realistic estimation of his strengths and weaknesses, to be able to productively cope with failure and disappointment, and to learn that he is capable of navigating the world successfully on his own.

I do not want him turning into one of these 18 year olds that falls apart in their freshman year of college and has a nervous breakdown b/c I failed as a parent.

I'm the PP to whom you're responding. Excellent points, all of them. I wish more people had this outlook.

Thanks. Me too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one on this whole long-ass thread who has a problem with "Everyone must be included in everything"?

No. I've been railing against this for years. Not everyone is going to like you, you won't be invited to every party, you won't be the best at everything, and you don't deserve a trophy just for participating. I hate this mentality and I will fight against it until I die. I want my kid to have a real sense of self-esteem and a realistic estimation of his strengths and weaknesses, to be able to productively cope with failure and disappointment, and to learn that he is capable of navigating the world successfully on his own.

I do not want him turning into one of these 18 year olds that falls apart in their freshman year of college and has a nervous breakdown b/c I failed as a parent.

What's wrong with teaching children to be inclusive? We are social animals and thrive the most when in groups. Making our kids congnizant of the need to include others is teaching them empathy.

Of for the love of sweet freaking Jesus! Teaching your child about the realities of life is not exclusive of teaching them to be kind and inclusive, too. Or do you think everyone will always be kind because you say so, Pollyanna?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one on this whole long-ass thread who has a problem with "Everyone must be included in everything"?

No. I've been railing against this for years. Not everyone is going to like you, you won't be invited to every party, you won't be the best at everything, and you don't deserve a trophy just for participating. I hate this mentality and I will fight against it until I die. I want my kid to have a real sense of self-esteem and a realistic estimation of his strengths and weaknesses, to be able to productively cope with failure and disappointment, and to learn that he is capable of navigating the world successfully on his own.

I do not want him turning into one of these 18 year olds that falls apart in their freshman year of college and has a nervous breakdown b/c I failed as a parent.

I agree with you on the "everyone must be included" stuff. And I am totally anti "everyone is a winner/gets a trophy". But I do think there is a big difference between not including someone and openly excluding them. If the OP's daughter said, "you can not sit here" (and that's what she said happened), she was in the wrong. That is simply a mean thing to say. That's totally different from simply not inviting a classmate to sit next to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you're upset, OP. The mom was there to volunteer to monitor the playground. She told your daughter politely to include others. Your daughter was prob. just mad for being called out. You should be glad. The same volunteers will be helping out your DD when she needs help.

But why do any kids need to include any other kids? The guideline I give my kids is, "You don't have to be friends, but you do have to be civil." Why isn't that enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one on this whole long-ass thread who has a problem with "Everyone must be included in everything"?

No. I've been railing against this for years. Not everyone is going to like you, you won't be invited to every party, you won't be the best at everything, and you don't deserve a trophy just for participating. I hate this mentality and I will fight against it until I die. I want my kid to have a real sense of self-esteem and a realistic estimation of his strengths and weaknesses, to be able to productively cope with failure and disappointment, and to learn that he is capable of navigating the world successfully on his own.

I do not want him turning into one of these 18 year olds that falls apart in their freshman year of college and has a nervous breakdown b/c I failed as a parent.

I agree with you on the "everyone must be included" stuff. And I am totally anti "everyone is a winner/gets a trophy". But I do think there is a big difference between not including someone and openly excluding them. If the OP's daughter said, "you can not sit here" (and that's what she said happened), she was in the wrong. That is simply a mean thing to say. That's totally different from simply not inviting a classmate to sit next to her.

No one is disagreeing with you on that point. But people are not perfect, kids are not perfect, and they have to learn this stuff, and they all do it. Parents hyperventilating, calling kids names, and getting up in arms about it to the point of fighting their kids' battles is not helpful and it crappy parenting.