S/O being excluded from birthday parties

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:everyone keeps losing sight of the real problem here, which is the the dad allowed 5-person-party-girl to be a total hypocrite. no one cares that she didn't invite the other girl to her party. the fact that she was rude when confronted sucks but it really isn't the main problem either.

the problem is that the PP said it was ok to not invite this little girl because, essentially, his daughter DIDN'T LIKE HER, but that it was then ok to still go to that girl's party anyway.

Never said DD didn't like the other girl. She said the other girl had a potty mouth and she didn't want that talk at her own birthday party. Are you so dense that you can't grasp the distinction?

Let me ask you something: Have you reciprocated every single birthday invitation your 7-yo child has received? Unless your record is 100% here, you are being sanctimonious in your criticism here. The only thing about this that made it awkward was the birthdays were the same weekend. Had they been three months separated, you wouldn't say boo.

If the girl has such a potty mouth that you daughter doesn't like having her around (at her party), why did she want to go to the potty-mouthed girl's party where the potty mouthed girl would be?

[Anonymous]

I love the way the dad above is so proud of his daughter that she didn't invite the girl with the potty mouth to her party, but comes on to this web site calling people a bunch of really awful names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love the way the dad above is so proud of his daughter that she didn't invite the girl with the potty mouth to her party, but comes on to this web site calling people a bunch of really awful names.

I don't think he's called anyone any names.

[Anonymous]

OP and Poster #3, how do you think this other little felt? Do you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love the way the dad above is so proud of his daughter that she didn't invite the girl with the potty mouth to her party, but comes on to this web site calling people a bunch of really awful names.

I don't think he's called anyone any names.

Dad here: I haven't. Not sure where the PP gets this.

Oh, wait. I called someone "Buster."

My bad.

I on the other hand, have been called plenty on this thread.

And my daughter has been called a "bitch" at least four separate times. And been accused of deliberately trying to hurt another child's feelings.

And these people are trying to lecture ME about parenting.

[Anonymous]

I think the best thing is to have birthday parties that either include the whole class, or just the child's 1 or 2 "best friends," which is what we did back when I was a kid-- no big bday parties, just you and a friend going out to dinner and a movie or something. (Or, Person With 5 Child Birthday party, a manicure and pedicure. Sounds like fun.)

Then, an honest explanation will suffice, and to me, hearing, "I was only allowed to invite 2 people and so of course I invited (girls who everyone knows are my best friends); you're so lucky you get to have a big party!" is nice. Hearing, "I was only allowed to invite 5 people," is less nice, because once you get to a number bigger than 3, I think, it becomes more of a popularity contest...

While I, too, like the idea of a small, but not-to-small, party-- 5 kids sounds ideal!-- I would feel horribly guilty not inviting all the kids whose parents' have invited DD to their kids' parties over the last year or so, and when I begin thinking of that, the invite list is way too long, so we just do family parties and let everybody know about it in advance. You can send a treat into school. Reciprocity is important if you don't want people to start turning against you and stop issuing invitations, so I try to model it and teach it.

(In the interest of remaining fully relevant to the topic at hand, I should mention that I wrote this while on the toilet.)

[Anonymous]

If the OP's child had excluded a child because they were racist, or a bully then would everyone still have such a problem? Isn't parenting all about teaching kids about what is right and what is wrong and how to make a distinction and then stand by it. I'm not a facist on the potty talk issue but if it was something I cared about more I'd be really pleased if my child valued our family perspective enough to draw a line in the sand. I think all the posters laying into OP about being "judgemental" are missing the point. I am constantly teaching my children to judge - good, bad, right, wrong. I think OP's child will be on a really sound footing going into adulthood if she can stand her ground as she did. And I hope OP is also teaching her values of compassion, consideration and caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and Poster #3, how do you think this other little felt? Do you care?

I'm Poster #3 (i.e., the Dad). I have no connection whatsoever to OP, so not sure why you are asking us the same question. Or what you're driving at.

When DD relayed what happened at school I told her that I know she didn't intend to but that she hurt the other girl's feelings, probably very badly. I reminded her that I had urged her to extend an invitation (at the cost of an extra $50 to me) but that she had declined. And I told her that in the future if she gets into a situation like this again she might want to be more neutral about her reasons, like saying her party's invitations had already been set and couldn't be changed by the time she received the invitation to the other girl's party. To which she responded, "But Dad, that would be a lie. You say we aren't supposed to lie." Which begat a dicier conversation about how speaking diplomatically to spare someone's feelings isn't the same thing as lying about eating candy after she was told not to.

[Anonymous]

I think you're ignoring that most people, myself included, think the fault here lies with YOU, not your daughter. I do agree that people calling her names are out of line - for cryin' out loud people, she's 7. But all the more reason for an adult to steer her in the right direction. And unfortunately, you failed her. But you seem incapable of any sort of mature self-reflection.

No, that's where you're wrong. You have no standing to assign "fault" because no wrong was done. Your perspective simply isn't valid. I didn't "fail" her. Where do you get that?

Please tell me what the lesson is in demanding a child invite someone to her party she doesn't want to have there?

Well, I'm glad to see you are, in fact, capable of mature self-reflection. My mistake.

There have been more than 100 posts pointing out what you did wrong, from a parenting perspective. Just for starters, you hide behind the "I let her choose" point - but you knew full well that her choice was going to be hurtful to another girl - and you've claimed she doesn't dislike the girl. But you didn't intervent. That's bad parenting. As I said before, giving 7 yos control is great, but not when the consequences of their actions are to hurt other kids. You abdicated your responsibility to your daughter, and allowed another little 7 yo girl to get her feelings hurt - but apparently you don't care about that. And from what I can discern from your earlier posts, this is because you yourself don't approve of the other kid.

I get that you aren't willing to be swayed bu others' positions. I hope that's because you feel like your daughter has been attacked, and your back is up. If so, it's understandable. But if you really, truly don't feel like you handled this poorly as a parent - well, that's sad.

(Plus, "standing" has nothing to do with who is right and who is wrong. But I digress.)



I'

The lesson is that reciprocity for birthday parties that are on the same weekend is the nice thing to do. And that

[Anonymous]

Of course not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the OP's child had excluded a child because they were racist, or a bully then would everyone still have such a problem? Isn't parenting all about teaching kids about what is right and what is wrong and how to make a distinction and then stand by it. I'm not a facist on the potty talk issue but if it was something I cared about more I'd be really pleased if my child valued our family perspective enough to draw a line in the sand. I think all the posters laying into OP about being "judgemental" are missing the point. I am constantly teaching my children to judge - good, bad, right, wrong. I think OP's child will be on a really sound footing going into adulthood if she can stand her ground as she did. And I hope OP is also teaching her values of compassion, consideration and caring.

I hope so too. But he declined this opportunity to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and Poster #3, how do you think this other little felt? Do you care?

I'm Poster #3 (i.e., the Dad). I have no connection whatsoever to OP, so not sure why you are asking us the same question. Or what you're driving at.

When DD relayed what happened at school I told her that I know she didn't intend to but that she hurt the other girl's feelings, probably very badly. I reminded her that I had urged her to extend an invitation (at the cost of an extra $50 to me) but that she had declined. And I told her that in the future if she gets into a situation like this again she might want to be more neutral about her reasons, like saying her party's invitations had already been set and couldn't be changed by the time she received the invitation to the other girl's party. To which she responded, "But Dad, that would be a lie. You say we aren't supposed to lie." Which begat a dicier conversation about how speaking diplomatically to spare someone's feelings isn't the same thing as lying about eating candy after she was told not to.

Poster #3, you may have wanted to start with that story. The one thing that I may have done differently is to explain the space issue to the other girl (or to the other girl's parents) when your DD went to the potty mouth girl's party. "I'm so glad that Susie can be here today. Just FYI, we are having a small party for her tomorrow but were limited on space so couldn't invite the whole class. I hope your DD's feelings are not hurt but Susie really wanted to be here to celebrate with her on her special day." In other words, address the awkwardness from the beginning and then its not nearly as awkward.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone agrees that that situation was handled poorly. Reasonable minds can differ, and I'd be careful about throwing around what you consider "poor parenting."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the OP's child had excluded a child because they were racist, or a bully then would everyone still have such a problem? Isn't parenting all about teaching kids about what is right and what is wrong and how to make a distinction and then stand by it. I'm not a facist on the potty talk issue but if it was something I cared about more I'd be really pleased if my child valued our family perspective enough to draw a line in the sand. I think all the posters laying into OP about being "judgemental" are missing the point. I am constantly teaching my children to judge - good, bad, right, wrong. I think OP's child will be on a really sound footing going into adulthood if she can stand her ground as she did. And I hope OP is also teaching her values of compassion, consideration and caring.

I would have no problem with my kid excluding a kid who is potty mouthed, or a racist or a bully, but if they (and I) think they are so bad, then I wouldn't want them going to that kid's party either.

[Anonymous]

Dad, you're right that some people wouldn't feel the same if the 2 parties were further apart, like 3 months. I'll agree with you there.
It's the fact that your daughter decided not to invite this child and turned around the very next day to attend said child's party. It's like daughter is taking advantage of the other child's hospitality.