S/O being excluded from birthday parties

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the OP's child had excluded a child because they were racist, or a bully then would everyone still have such a problem? Isn't parenting all about teaching kids about what is right and what is wrong and how to make a distinction and then stand by it. I'm not a facist on the potty talk issue but if it was something I cared about more I'd be really pleased if my child valued our family perspective enough to draw a line in the sand. I think all the posters laying into OP about being "judgemental" are missing the point. I am constantly teaching my children to judge - good, bad, right, wrong. I think OP's child will be on a really sound footing going into adulthood if she can stand her ground as she did. And I hope OP is also teaching her values of compassion, consideration and caring.

I would have no problem with my kid excluding a kid who is potty mouthed, or a racist or a bully, but if they (and I) think they are so bad, then I wouldn't want them going to that kid's party either.

Ding! Ding! Exactly why there have been 9 pages of posts here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and Poster #3, how do you think this other little felt? Do you care?

I'm Poster #3 (i.e., the Dad). I have no connection whatsoever to OP, so not sure why you are asking us the same question. Or what you're driving at.

When DD relayed what happened at school I told her that I know she didn't intend to but that she hurt the other girl's feelings, probably very badly. I reminded her that I had urged her to extend an invitation (at the cost of an extra $50 to me) but that she had declined. And I told her that in the future if she gets into a situation like this again she might want to be more neutral about her reasons, like saying her party's invitations had already been set and couldn't be changed by the time she received the invitation to the other girl's party. To which she responded, "But Dad, that would be a lie. You say we aren't supposed to lie." Which begat a dicier conversation about how speaking diplomatically to spare someone's feelings isn't the same thing as lying about eating candy after she was told not to.

Poster #3, you may have wanted to start with that story. The one thing that I may have done differently is to explain the space issue to the other girl (or to the other girl's parents) when your DD went to the potty mouth girl's party. "I'm so glad that Susie can be here today. Just FYI, we are having a small party for her tomorrow but were limited on space so couldn't invite the whole class. I hope your DD's feelings are not hurt but Susie really wanted to be here to celebrate with her on her special day." In other words, address the awkwardness from the beginning and then its not nearly as awkward.

Dad here. I appreciate some constructive dialogue for once on this thread. Your "in retrospect" suggestion is a good one, and I agree. Wish I had done it.

[Anonymous]

this is really getting funny. poster 3, seriously, stop. you're making a fool of yourself. your daughter is acting prissy. 7 year olds do that, not the end of the world. it's a little sanctimonious for her to say "i don't want POTTY MOUTH at MY party,' and if that's her attitude she may have a long road ahead. that said, your constant defense and "but she LOVES kids with Asperger's, she HAS to be nice!" is over the top. really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the OP's child had excluded a child because they were racist, or a bully then would everyone still have such a problem? Isn't parenting all about teaching kids about what is right and what is wrong and how to make a distinction and then stand by it. I'm not a facist on the potty talk issue but if it was something I cared about more I'd be really pleased if my child valued our family perspective enough to draw a line in the sand. I think all the posters laying into OP about being "judgemental" are missing the point. I am constantly teaching my children to judge - good, bad, right, wrong. I think OP's child will be on a really sound footing going into adulthood if she can stand her ground as she did. And I hope OP is also teaching her values of compassion, consideration and caring.

I would have no problem with my kid excluding a kid who is potty mouthed, or a racist or a bully, but if they (and I) think they are so bad, then I wouldn't want them going to that kid's party either.

Well, the other kid wasn't potty-mouthed in the normal sense of the word. She talks about poop and farting. Pretty big difference between that and a kid that swears like a truck driver. And comparing either one to racism or bullying is absurd, too.

[Anonymous]

you can't shake the devil's hand and say you're only kidding.

You can't go to person's party if you really don't like them. Good for her for limiting her birthday invites-- not so good for attending the other kid's party when she doesn't like that kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad, you're right that some people wouldn't feel the same if the 2 parties were further apart, like 3 months. I'll agree with you there.
It's the fact that your daughter decided not to invite this child and turned around the very next day to attend said child's party. It's like daughter is taking advantage of the other child's hospitality.

I agree with this. 3 months apart and I would be (reluctantly) on Dad's side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad, you're right that some people wouldn't feel the same if the 2 parties were further apart, like 3 months. I'll agree with you there.
It's the fact that your daughter decided not to invite this child and turned around the very next day to attend said child's party. It's like daughter is taking advantage of the other child's hospitality.

Pretty sure you'd flame me if dd snubbed the other party too.

She doesn't dislike the other girl. It's just when she was choosing 5 guests for her own partyshe selected others. As an adult you may think she's a little bitch (as several have said) for articulating a reason about objecting to a potty mouth. But to her, it was very important. The party was in her house, in her space. She can base a decision to exclude based on a fear of how the other child would behave. I counseled against her, but, frankly, I thought it was a valid enough reason that I wasn't going to overrule her on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is really getting funny. poster 3, seriously, stop. you're making a fool of yourself. your daughter is acting prissy. 7 year olds do that, not the end of the world. it's a little sanctimonious for her to say "i don't want POTTY MOUTH at MY party,' and if that's her attitude she may have a long road ahead. that said, your constant defense and "but she LOVES kids with Asperger's, she HAS to be nice!" is over the top. really.

"Some of my best friends are . . . "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you can't shake the devil's hand and say you're only kidding.

Oh good lord. Know any other cliches?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this is really getting funny. poster 3, seriously, stop. you're making a fool of yourself. your daughter is acting prissy. 7 year olds do that, not the end of the world. it's a little sanctimonious for her to say "i don't want POTTY MOUTH at MY party,' and if that's her attitude she may have a long road ahead. that said, your constant defense and "but she LOVES kids with Asperger's, she HAS to be nice!" is over the top. really.

"Some of my best friends are . . . "

16:14 here - exactly! i almost phrased it that way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this is really getting funny. poster 3, seriously, stop. you're making a fool of yourself. your daughter is acting prissy. 7 year olds do that, not the end of the world. it's a little sanctimonious for her to say "i don't want POTTY MOUTH at MY party,' and if that's her attitude she may have a long road ahead. that said, your constant defense and "but she LOVES kids with Asperger's, she HAS to be nice!" is over the top. really.

"Some of my best friends are . . . "

So, now she's "prissy" and "cruel" and "mean" and "a mean little bitch" and "bitchy" and "snotty" and a racist to boot?

You people are priceless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad, you're right that some people wouldn't feel the same if the 2 parties were further apart, like 3 months. I'll agree with you there.
It's the fact that your daughter decided not to invite this child and turned around the very next day to attend said child's party. It's like daughter is taking advantage of the other child's hospitality.

Pretty sure you'd flame me if dd snubbed the other party too.

She doesn't dislike the other girl. It's just when she was choosing 5 guests for her own partyshe selected others. As an adult you may think she's a little bitch (as several have said) for articulating a reason about objecting to a potty mouth. But to her, it was very important. The party was in her house, in her space. She can base a decision to exclude based on a fear of how the other child would behave. I counseled against her, but, frankly, I thought it was a valid enough reason that I wasn't going to overrule her on it.

Once again, that's not the point. No one's (at least I'm) not saying that she was obligated to dis-invite one of the first five kids and invite the other girl. But once you told her she could make it 6, it stopped being about numbers, and started being about the other girl. I'm all for letting kids decide certain things, but they aren't the final authority on very many things at 7 yo, and certainly not with respect to something that is fairly obvious to an adult (or should be, at any rate) which will hurt one of her friend's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this is really getting funny. poster 3, seriously, stop. you're making a fool of yourself. your daughter is acting prissy. 7 year olds do that, not the end of the world. it's a little sanctimonious for her to say "i don't want POTTY MOUTH at MY party,' and if that's her attitude she may have a long road ahead. that said, your constant defense and "but she LOVES kids with Asperger's, she HAS to be nice!" is over the top. really.

"Some of my best friends are . . . "

So, now she's "prissy" and "cruel" and "mean" and "a mean little bitch" and "bitchy" and "snotty" and a racist to boot?

You people are priceless.

Oh, please, don't be ridiculous. The "some of my best friends" was directed at you, not her, and meant to point out the logical error in your "friend with Asberger's" post. Settle down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Other girl with party invited her list of attendees to her party.
2. 5-person party girl completely separately and independently invited her 5 girls to her own party.
3. Not everyone made the 5 girl cut.
4. This other girl had completely control over whom she invited to her party.
5. Everyone seemed to attend only those parties they were invited to.
What's the problem?

The problem is:
1. The way that OP's DD responded to the situation was impolite--she should have just said it was a space issue and left it at that. And OP should have told her the proper way to handle it instead of letting a 7 yo handle a sensitive situation like this.
2. When 99% of responders disagreed with the OP, instead of acting like an adult and accepting that maybe it was not handled properly, he acted like a jerk. If you don't want people's feedback, don't ask for it.

Wait a second... I'm the OP and I'm not the poster you're referring to. I just came back after posting the OP and can't believe you guys already have written 9 pages


Uh, I didn't ask for feedback. I told a story. Big difference.

Your original post began with a question and ended with "Thanks for any insight". So, you kinda did ask for feedback.

[Anonymous]

Wait a second... I'm the OP and I'm not the poster you're referring to. I just came back after posting the OP and can't believe you guys already have written 9 pages

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Other girl with party invited her list of attendees to her party.
2. 5-person party girl completely separately and independently invited her 5 girls to her own party.
3. Not everyone made the 5 girl cut.
4. This other girl had completely control over whom she invited to her party.
5. Everyone seemed to attend only those parties they were invited to.
What's the problem?

The problem is:
1. The way that OP's DD responded to the situation was impolite--she should have just said it was a space issue and left it at that. And OP should have told her the proper way to handle it instead of letting a 7 yo handle a sensitive situation like this.
2. When 99% of responders disagreed with the OP, instead of acting like an adult and accepting that maybe it was not handled properly, he acted like a jerk. If you don't want people's feedback, don't ask for it.

Wait a second... I'm the OP and I'm not the poster you're referring to. I just came back after posting the OP and can't believe you guys already have written 9 pages


Uh, I didn't ask for feedback. I told a story. Big difference.

Your original post began with a question and ended with "Thanks for any insight". So, you kinda did ask for feedback.