Sister asked if I would donate my eggs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Even if OP already knew sister specifically needed donor eggs (which is not a given), unlike with organs, there are many different options for obtaining donor eggs. There isn't really a shortage of donor eggs, unlike organs. So it's not reasonable to presume that OP just knows that sister wants her eggs. I need donor sperm and am not asking family members because the concept makes me uncomfortable, and I decided I'd prefer a bank. It would be presumptuous for a male relative to just unsolicitedly offer me his sperm.

But, in any case, no it's not wrong for someone who needs an organ to ask family members if they'd be willing to be tested. Family members who don't want to give some or all of an organ are free to decline.

Free to decline? Sure, if they want to permanently harm the relationship. Otherwise, no, not really. The asking is manipulative because the asker knows that it’s putting the receiver in a very difficult position.

I do not understand people who think they can ask things like this and then just assume life will go on as normal after. It’s an enormous ask (demand, truthfully) and declining will permanently harm the relationship. I think people who ask things like this are very, very manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Even if OP already knew sister specifically needed donor eggs (which is not a given), unlike with organs, there are many different options for obtaining donor eggs. There isn't really a shortage of donor eggs, unlike organs. So it's not reasonable to presume that OP just knows that sister wants her eggs. I need donor sperm and am not asking family members because the concept makes me uncomfortable, and I decided I'd prefer a bank. It would be presumptuous for a male relative to just unsolicitedly offer me his sperm.

But, in any case, no it's not wrong for someone who needs an organ to ask family members if they'd be willing to be tested. Family members who don't want to give some or all of an organ are free to decline.

Free to decline? Sure, if they want to permanently harm the relationship. Otherwise, no, not really. The asking is manipulative because the asker knows that it’s putting the receiver in a very difficult position.

I do not understand people who think they can ask things like this and then just assume life will go on as normal after. It’s an enormous ask (demand, truthfully) and declining will permanently harm the relationship. I think people who ask things like this are very, very manipulative.

If you perceive a hypothetical ask where the asker says a "no" is completely okay as a manipulative demand, that's a you problem. If you're convinced that saying no will harm the relationship, that's again a you problem. Not the problem of the asker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Even if OP already knew sister specifically needed donor eggs (which is not a given), unlike with organs, there are many different options for obtaining donor eggs. There isn't really a shortage of donor eggs, unlike organs. So it's not reasonable to presume that OP just knows that sister wants her eggs. I need donor sperm and am not asking family members because the concept makes me uncomfortable, and I decided I'd prefer a bank. It would be presumptuous for a male relative to just unsolicitedly offer me his sperm.

But, in any case, no it's not wrong for someone who needs an organ to ask family members if they'd be willing to be tested. Family members who don't want to give some or all of an organ are free to decline.

Free to decline? Sure, if they want to permanently harm the relationship. Otherwise, no, not really. The asking is manipulative because the asker knows that it’s putting the receiver in a very difficult position.

I do not understand people who think they can ask things like this and then just assume life will go on as normal after. It’s an enormous ask (demand, truthfully) and declining will permanently harm the relationship. I think people who ask things like this are very, very manipulative.

I declined being my sister's surrogate. Our relationship has not been harmed. I correctly said while I wish I could do it, I know my mental health couldn't handle that. She completely understood. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Even if OP already knew sister specifically needed donor eggs (which is not a given), unlike with organs, there are many different options for obtaining donor eggs. There isn't really a shortage of donor eggs, unlike organs. So it's not reasonable to presume that OP just knows that sister wants her eggs. I need donor sperm and am not asking family members because the concept makes me uncomfortable, and I decided I'd prefer a bank. It would be presumptuous for a male relative to just unsolicitedly offer me his sperm.

But, in any case, no it's not wrong for someone who needs an organ to ask family members if they'd be willing to be tested. Family members who don't want to give some or all of an organ are free to decline.

Free to decline? Sure, if they want to permanently harm the relationship. Otherwise, no, not really. The asking is manipulative because the asker knows that it’s putting the receiver in a very difficult position.

I do not understand people who think they can ask things like this and then just assume life will go on as normal after. It’s an enormous ask (demand, truthfully) and declining will permanently harm the relationship. I think people who ask things like this are very, very manipulative.

This is her sister, not any "person."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Even if OP already knew sister specifically needed donor eggs (which is not a given), unlike with organs, there are many different options for obtaining donor eggs. There isn't really a shortage of donor eggs, unlike organs. So it's not reasonable to presume that OP just knows that sister wants her eggs. I need donor sperm and am not asking family members because the concept makes me uncomfortable, and I decided I'd prefer a bank. It would be presumptuous for a male relative to just unsolicitedly offer me his sperm.

But, in any case, no it's not wrong for someone who needs an organ to ask family members if they'd be willing to be tested. Family members who don't want to give some or all of an organ are free to decline.

Free to decline? Sure, if they want to permanently harm the relationship. Otherwise, no, not really. The asking is manipulative because the asker knows that it’s putting the receiver in a very difficult position.

I do not understand people who think they can ask things like this and then just assume life will go on as normal after. It’s an enormous ask (demand, truthfully) and declining will permanently harm the relationship. I think people who ask things like this are very, very manipulative.

I declined being my sister's surrogate. Our relationship has not been harmed. I correctly said while I wish I could do it, I know my mental health couldn't handle that. She completely understood. The end.

See, there are healthy sibling relationships on DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Even if OP already knew sister specifically needed donor eggs (which is not a given), unlike with organs, there are many different options for obtaining donor eggs. There isn't really a shortage of donor eggs, unlike organs. So it's not reasonable to presume that OP just knows that sister wants her eggs. I need donor sperm and am not asking family members because the concept makes me uncomfortable, and I decided I'd prefer a bank. It would be presumptuous for a male relative to just unsolicitedly offer me his sperm.

But, in any case, no it's not wrong for someone who needs an organ to ask family members if they'd be willing to be tested. Family members who don't want to give some or all of an organ are free to decline.

Free to decline? Sure, if they want to permanently harm the relationship. Otherwise, no, not really. The asking is manipulative because the asker knows that it’s putting the receiver in a very difficult position.

I do not understand people who think they can ask things like this and then just assume life will go on as normal after. It’s an enormous ask (demand, truthfully) and declining will permanently harm the relationship. I think people who ask things like this are very, very manipulative.

If you perceive a hypothetical ask where the asker says a "no" is completely okay as a manipulative demand, that's a you problem. If you're convinced that saying no will harm the relationship, that's again a you problem. Not the problem of the asker.

How is this person supposed to know that the hypothetical asker is going to be fine with it? The asker might know they will be in their own head, but the potential donor can't read their mind. Obviously the asker wants it or they wouldn't be asking, and will be disappointed. And it is always framed as something is wrong with the person being asked for being "not comfortable."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Even if OP already knew sister specifically needed donor eggs (which is not a given), unlike with organs, there are many different options for obtaining donor eggs. There isn't really a shortage of donor eggs, unlike organs. So it's not reasonable to presume that OP just knows that sister wants her eggs. I need donor sperm and am not asking family members because the concept makes me uncomfortable, and I decided I'd prefer a bank. It would be presumptuous for a male relative to just unsolicitedly offer me his sperm.

But, in any case, no it's not wrong for someone who needs an organ to ask family members if they'd be willing to be tested. Family members who don't want to give some or all of an organ are free to decline.

Free to decline? Sure, if they want to permanently harm the relationship. Otherwise, no, not really. The asking is manipulative because the asker knows that it’s putting the receiver in a very difficult position.

I do not understand people who think they can ask things like this and then just assume life will go on as normal after. It’s an enormous ask (demand, truthfully) and declining will permanently harm the relationship. I think people who ask things like this are very, very manipulative.

If you perceive a hypothetical ask where the asker says a "no" is completely okay as a manipulative demand, that's a you problem. If you're convinced that saying no will harm the relationship, that's again a you problem. Not the problem of the asker.

How is this person supposed to know that the hypothetical asker is going to be fine with it? The asker might know they will be in their own head, but the potential donor can't read their mind. Obviously the asker wants it or they wouldn't be asking, and will be disappointed. And it is always framed as something is wrong with the person being asked for being "not comfortable."

If you can't handle that someone feels privately disappointed that you said "no" when you're entitled to, that's a you problem. If you have never communicated to a family member previously that you don't want to be asked for donor eggs, there isn't anything wrong with asking. Your discomfort at the question is on you.

If the person asking acts manipulative, launches a guilt trip, or holds it against the sibling for declining, then that's different territory. But that's not what's being discussed here. It's that apparently the mere act of asking is manipulative (it's not).

Some of you people are so bizarre. If you're so offended by this hypothetical question and can't assert your own boundaries, you really need to look inward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Even if OP already knew sister specifically needed donor eggs (which is not a given), unlike with organs, there are many different options for obtaining donor eggs. There isn't really a shortage of donor eggs, unlike organs. So it's not reasonable to presume that OP just knows that sister wants her eggs. I need donor sperm and am not asking family members because the concept makes me uncomfortable, and I decided I'd prefer a bank. It would be presumptuous for a male relative to just unsolicitedly offer me his sperm.

But, in any case, no it's not wrong for someone who needs an organ to ask family members if they'd be willing to be tested. Family members who don't want to give some or all of an organ are free to decline.

DP. I don't understand why it would be okay for a female close relative to offer an egg but presumptuous for a sincere close male relative to offer sperm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Even if OP already knew sister specifically needed donor eggs (which is not a given), unlike with organs, there are many different options for obtaining donor eggs. There isn't really a shortage of donor eggs, unlike organs. So it's not reasonable to presume that OP just knows that sister wants her eggs. I need donor sperm and am not asking family members because the concept makes me uncomfortable, and I decided I'd prefer a bank. It would be presumptuous for a male relative to just unsolicitedly offer me his sperm.

But, in any case, no it's not wrong for someone who needs an organ to ask family members if they'd be willing to be tested. Family members who don't want to give some or all of an organ are free to decline.

Free to decline? Sure, if they want to permanently harm the relationship. Otherwise, no, not really. The asking is manipulative because the asker knows that it’s putting the receiver in a very difficult position.

I do not understand people who think they can ask things like this and then just assume life will go on as normal after. It’s an enormous ask (demand, truthfully) and declining will permanently harm the relationship. I think people who ask things like this are very, very manipulative.

If you perceive a hypothetical ask where the asker says a "no" is completely okay as a manipulative demand, that's a you problem. If you're convinced that saying no will harm the relationship, that's again a you problem. Not the problem of the asker.

How is this person supposed to know that the hypothetical asker is going to be fine with it? The asker might know they will be in their own head, but the potential donor can't read their mind. Obviously the asker wants it or they wouldn't be asking, and will be disappointed. And it is always framed as something is wrong with the person being asked for being "not comfortable."

If you can't handle that someone feels privately disappointed that you said "no" when you're entitled to, that's a you problem. If you have never communicated to a family member previously that you don't want to be asked for donor eggs, there isn't anything wrong with asking. Your discomfort at the question is on you.

If the person asking acts manipulative, launches a guilt trip, or holds it against the sibling for declining, then that's different territory. But that's not what's being discussed here. It's that apparently the mere act of asking is manipulative (it's not).

Some of you people are so bizarre. If you're so offended by this hypothetical question and can't assert your own boundaries, you really need to look inward.

I just don't see why one should have to bring up all these weird scenarios to their siblings. I'd never want to donate an egg, never want to be in a threesome with you, never want to co-sign your mortgage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Even if OP already knew sister specifically needed donor eggs (which is not a given), unlike with organs, there are many different options for obtaining donor eggs. There isn't really a shortage of donor eggs, unlike organs. So it's not reasonable to presume that OP just knows that sister wants her eggs. I need donor sperm and am not asking family members because the concept makes me uncomfortable, and I decided I'd prefer a bank. It would be presumptuous for a male relative to just unsolicitedly offer me his sperm.

But, in any case, no it's not wrong for someone who needs an organ to ask family members if they'd be willing to be tested. Family members who don't want to give some or all of an organ are free to decline.

Free to decline? Sure, if they want to permanently harm the relationship. Otherwise, no, not really. The asking is manipulative because the asker knows that it’s putting the receiver in a very difficult position.

I do not understand people who think they can ask things like this and then just assume life will go on as normal after. It’s an enormous ask (demand, truthfully) and declining will permanently harm the relationship. I think people who ask things like this are very, very manipulative.

If you perceive a hypothetical ask where the asker says a "no" is completely okay as a manipulative demand, that's a you problem. If you're convinced that saying no will harm the relationship, that's again a you problem. Not the problem of the asker.

How is this person supposed to know that the hypothetical asker is going to be fine with it? The asker might know they will be in their own head, but the potential donor can't read their mind. Obviously the asker wants it or they wouldn't be asking, and will be disappointed. And it is always framed as something is wrong with the person being asked for being "not comfortable."

If you can't handle that someone feels privately disappointed that you said "no" when you're entitled to, that's a you problem. If you have never communicated to a family member previously that you don't want to be asked for donor eggs, there isn't anything wrong with asking. Your discomfort at the question is on you.

If the person asking acts manipulative, launches a guilt trip, or holds it against the sibling for declining, then that's different territory. But that's not what's being discussed here. It's that apparently the mere act of asking is manipulative (it's not).

Some of you people are so bizarre. If you're so offended by this hypothetical question and can't assert your own boundaries, you really need to look inward.

I just don't see why one should have to bring up all these weird scenarios to their siblings. I'd never want to donate an egg, never want to be in a threesome with you, never want to co-sign your mortgage.

It's not weird for family members to donate eggs and sperm. It just isn't. You don't have to do it if you don't want to, and it's not unreasonable to not want to do it. But it's also so gross and offensive to equate this request to incest.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Even if OP already knew sister specifically needed donor eggs (which is not a given), unlike with organs, there are many different options for obtaining donor eggs. There isn't really a shortage of donor eggs, unlike organs. So it's not reasonable to presume that OP just knows that sister wants her eggs. I need donor sperm and am not asking family members because the concept makes me uncomfortable, and I decided I'd prefer a bank. It would be presumptuous for a male relative to just unsolicitedly offer me his sperm.

But, in any case, no it's not wrong for someone who needs an organ to ask family members if they'd be willing to be tested. Family members who don't want to give some or all of an organ are free to decline.

DP. I don't understand why it would be okay for a female close relative to offer an egg but presumptuous for a sincere close male relative to offer sperm.

The point is that it's odd either way to unsolicitedly offer your gametes to a relative. You don't know if the relative wants them. It's reasonable that the person seeking donor eggs (or sperm) from a family member asks.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Even if OP already knew sister specifically needed donor eggs (which is not a given), unlike with organs, there are many different options for obtaining donor eggs. There isn't really a shortage of donor eggs, unlike organs. So it's not reasonable to presume that OP just knows that sister wants her eggs. I need donor sperm and am not asking family members because the concept makes me uncomfortable, and I decided I'd prefer a bank. It would be presumptuous for a male relative to just unsolicitedly offer me his sperm.

But, in any case, no it's not wrong for someone who needs an organ to ask family members if they'd be willing to be tested. Family members who don't want to give some or all of an organ are free to decline.

Free to decline? Sure, if they want to permanently harm the relationship. Otherwise, no, not really. The asking is manipulative because the asker knows that it’s putting the receiver in a very difficult position.

I do not understand people who think they can ask things like this and then just assume life will go on as normal after. It’s an enormous ask (demand, truthfully) and declining will permanently harm the relationship. I think people who ask things like this are very, very manipulative.

If you perceive a hypothetical ask where the asker says a "no" is completely okay as a manipulative demand, that's a you problem. If you're convinced that saying no will harm the relationship, that's again a you problem. Not the problem of the asker.

How is this person supposed to know that the hypothetical asker is going to be fine with it? The asker might know they will be in their own head, but the potential donor can't read their mind. Obviously the asker wants it or they wouldn't be asking, and will be disappointed. And it is always framed as something is wrong with the person being asked for being "not comfortable."

If you can't handle that someone feels privately disappointed that you said "no" when you're entitled to, that's a you problem. If you have never communicated to a family member previously that you don't want to be asked for donor eggs, there isn't anything wrong with asking. Your discomfort at the question is on you.

If the person asking acts manipulative, launches a guilt trip, or holds it against the sibling for declining, then that's different territory. But that's not what's being discussed here. It's that apparently the mere act of asking is manipulative (it's not).

Some of you people are so bizarre. If you're so offended by this hypothetical question and can't assert your own boundaries, you really need to look inward.

I just don't see why one should have to bring up all these weird scenarios to their siblings. I'd never want to donate an egg, never want to be in a threesome with you, never want to co-sign your mortgage.

This person definitely needs a lot of therapy.

[Anonymous]

It's just an egg, Michael. What could it cost? Ten dollars?

[Anonymous]

Adding to the “it’s inappropriate to ask” tally since the relationship has been rocky in the past. Putting sister in a place where she’s going to upset you by saying no is an unfair ask.

[Anonymous]

I would have absolutely done this if my sister asked. I would not have offered if unsolicited because it would be presumptuous. Infertility is stressful enough, and it’s understandable that a sibling might want their child to have family genetics. So yes, a sibling has a right to ask.