Sister asked if I would donate my eggs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP...that was quite a boundary she crossed asking you. I'm sorry you were put in this situation. I imagine the fear of tension if you say no makes it uncomfortable at best.

That said, you still have to say no if you aren't comfortable. She was dealt a crummy hand of cards but it's not your job to fix it if you aren't 100% on board.

Jesus, you people and your boundaries. It’s okay for her to ask AS LONG AS she made it clear that it’s okay for OP to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

Your can ask if you're dying or very ill. You should not ask people to undergo medical procedures for a want. Just say the doctor told me my eggs aren't viable and I'll need a donor. At that point the woman can offer if she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

Just asking is a boundary violation. It’s going to harm the relationship. So selfish of the sister.

No, it isn’t. The sister can say no (and apparently that’s what she’s doing). If the asking sister doesn’t accept the no and pressures her sister, then [u]that[i] is a boundary violation.

[Anonymous]

OP should feel free to say no.

That said, I’d do it if my sister asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP...that was quite a boundary she crossed asking you. I'm sorry you were put in this situation. I imagine the fear of tension if you say no makes it uncomfortable at best.

That said, you still have to say no if you aren't comfortable. She was dealt a crummy hand of cards but it's not your job to fix it if you aren't 100% on board.

Jesus, you people and your boundaries. It’s okay for her to ask AS LONG AS she made it clear that it’s okay for OP to say no.

This. I would do this for my sibling but we are close and only a few grandchildren on our side of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After multiple failed IVF treatments, the doctors have told my sister that there is no way she will have a biological child. She is devastated. Her fertility specialist recommends she use a donor egg. She asked me if I would be the donor so that she could have a genetic connection to the child. I feel for her and want to help, but I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of being the egg donor. Has anyone been there, done that? How do you navigate the whole, “my mom is my aunt and my aunt is my mom” thing? Is it weird seeing a child who is genetically yours but who you are not directly raising? How does that change your family relationships?

Kind of like grandparents? 25% rather than 50%, but otherwise the same…

That's not how it works at all. You would directly share DNA with that baby, not just be part of the same family genetic pool.

You don't really understand genetics, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After multiple failed IVF treatments, the doctors have told my sister that there is no way she will have a biological child. She is devastated. Her fertility specialist recommends she use a donor egg. She asked me if I would be the donor so that she could have a genetic connection to the child. I feel for her and want to help, but I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of being the egg donor. Has anyone been there, done that? How do you navigate the whole, “my mom is my aunt and my aunt is my mom” thing? Is it weird seeing a child who is genetically yours but who you are not directly raising? How does that change your family relationships?

Kind of like grandparents? 25% rather than 50%, but otherwise the same…

That's not how it works at all. You would directly share DNA with that baby, not just be part of the same family genetic pool.

You don't really understand genetics, do you?

Explain how you are a distant aunt or mere special friend to a baby born from your egg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

A liver? You are equating eggs with a LIVER? Smh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

JFC. This is normal behavior in families. We thought my cousin was going to need a liver transplant. She asked me and some others if we would consider getting tested and donating. We all said YES. It's not like they come up to you in a dark alley with a knife and rip it out of your body. We had the power to say NO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP should feel free to say no.

That said, I’d do it if my sister asked.

+1. DH and I would be their kids' guardian if anything happened to my sister and BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After multiple failed IVF treatments, the doctors have told my sister that there is no way she will have a biological child. She is devastated. Her fertility specialist recommends she use a donor egg. She asked me if I would be the donor so that she could have a genetic connection to the child. I feel for her and want to help, but I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of being the egg donor. Has anyone been there, done that? How do you navigate the whole, “my mom is my aunt and my aunt is my mom” thing? Is it weird seeing a child who is genetically yours but who you are not directly raising? How does that change your family relationships?

Kind of like grandparents? 25% rather than 50%, but otherwise the same…

That's not how it works at all. You would directly share DNA with that baby, not just be part of the same family genetic pool.

You don't really understand genetics, do you?

Explain how you are a distant aunt or mere special friend to a baby born from your egg.

I'm saying that someone who doesn't understand that grandparents "directly share DNA" with their grandchildren does not understand genetics, which may get to the root of many threads on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Even if OP already knew sister specifically needed donor eggs (which is not a given), unlike with organs, there are many different options for obtaining donor eggs. There isn't really a shortage of donor eggs, unlike organs. So it's not reasonable to presume that OP just knows that sister wants her eggs. I need donor sperm and am not asking family members because the concept makes me uncomfortable, and I decided I'd prefer a bank. It would be presumptuous for a male relative to just unsolicitedly offer me his sperm.

But, in any case, no it's not wrong for someone who needs an organ to ask family members if they'd be willing to be tested. Family members who don't want to give some or all of an organ are free to decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After multiple failed IVF treatments, the doctors have told my sister that there is no way she will have a biological child. She is devastated. Her fertility specialist recommends she use a donor egg. She asked me if I would be the donor so that she could have a genetic connection to the child. I feel for her and want to help, but I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of being the egg donor. Has anyone been there, done that? How do you navigate the whole, “my mom is my aunt and my aunt is my mom” thing? Is it weird seeing a child who is genetically yours but who you are not directly raising? How does that change your family relationships?

Kind of like grandparents? 25% rather than 50%, but otherwise the same…

That's not how it works at all. You would directly share DNA with that baby, not just be part of the same family genetic pool.

You don't really understand genetics, do you?

Explain how you are a distant aunt or mere special friend to a baby born from your egg.

I'm saying that someone who doesn't understand that grandparents "directly share DNA" with their grandchildren does not understand genetics, which may get to the root of many threads on this forum.

Still waiting for an explanation.