Mom chose vacation over childcare with no notice - am I wrong to be upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you pay her and do you have a signed contract for childcare? If not, then she can absolutely do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

No she doesn’t pay and who signs a contract with their mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

How much do you pay her for this childcare?

Surely your work has backup daycare options. Most do.

NP no most do not

But watching 4 kids is a lot for anyone, and more so for someone who is on the older side.

OP, if you are not a troll, I will state the obvious. Yes it is inconvenient and inconsiderate for your mother not give you more notice of her vacation. That being said, it doesn't sound like you are paying her, and it doesn't surprise me that such an arrangement would end up not being super reliable. That being said even paid child care providers get sick or don't take kids that are sick. So you still have to be ready to figure things out when the provider can't watch your kids.

Yes, a lot do. It's a common fringe benefit. Check out Bright Horizons, OP.

Most do not

It's a common benefit, especially among large firms. Since you're ignorant, I must direct you to refrain from commenting further. Please and thank you.

DP but I think you're the ignorant one. Most people don't work for very large companies. DH and I have both worked for several mid-sized companies (in the 2000-5000 range) and none of them have offered emergency childcare.

[Anonymous]

A few pages back you wrote that your mother had six kids. Is she expected to watch ALL of her grandkids, or just yours?

What if one of your siblings needs her for fill-time care? Will you give up your free childcare for your sibling, since I assume your mother is obligated to help all of her grandkids?

[Anonymous]

Don't take advantage of your mom like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few pages back you wrote that your mother had six kids. Is she expected to watch ALL of her grandkids, or just yours?

What if one of your siblings needs her for fill-time care? Will you give up your free childcare for your sibling, since I assume your mother is obligated to help all of her grandkids?

Yea, she’s expected to watch all the grandkids, but she only watches mine and my 10 year old niece who’s homeschooled, regularly during the week. If one of my siblings needed full-time care, she’d watch theirs at the same time as mine, no problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’m being entitled by having my mom help babysit my kids. My mother had six kids, and doesn’t see child care as some hard & difficult task. She loves it, my kids are very well behaved and they have a lot of fun. She’s financially well-off and has done things for me over the years, and she expects me to do the same for her. She expects me to obey her, listen to her, and not talk back—even as a grown adult. She’ll berate and yell at me, and sometimes even do things like slap my arm or pull my hair or grab a towel and throw it at me, like I’m still a child. So honestly, this feels like the least she could do to help.

I also don’t see why I should pay her, especially when she’s well-off and has told me to just keep any money I offer.

To be clear, I just got off the phone with her. I told her I was sorry for disrespecting her. She’s on the plane. I actually told her she didn’t need to watch the kids anymore. I said I could find someone else. She immediately pushed back and said, “No, no—I want to.” She sees not as withholding. I asked her multiple times if she was sure, and she kept insisting that she really does want to continue watching them. So this isn’t something I’m forcing—she genuinely wants to do it.

Right now, the schedule works like this: I wake up and take my two older kids to school, then drop the two younger ones off with her at 10ish. She watches them until about 3:30. My 7-year-old gets home on the bus, and my 5-year-old is in afternoon preschool and gets brought home by a close friend. This usually happens three days a week. Occasionally, she’ll also help on Saturdays (maybe every 3–4 weeks), and when my husband and I travel or need a weekend, she’ll keep the kids for that too.

I don’t trust daycares or nannies, and since we have family around, I’d much rather have them help. I also don’t want to sacrifice my career, and neither does she want me to sacrifice my career. I work from home on the days I don’t have childcare, so realistically I could even limit in-office days to just two days a week if needed—I really only need childcare for work.

So I talked to her about adjusting the schedule to make things more balanced. She still doesn’t agree with this, but since I want into give her breaks, I think it’s fair. Instead of my mom doing multiple weekdays regularly, we could split things up more. For example, my MIL—who also loves spending time with the kids and has them today—could take some of the weekdays, and my mom could take the others. On weekends or overnights, they could divide things up as well (like each taking two kids), or alternate weekends depending on what works best. If needed, my siblings or sibling in laws could also help occasionally when they’re free and I need support.

I’m not forcing anyone into this, but it feels like a fair system. The way I see it, I do things for my mom, she does things for me, she’s my mother and I’m her daughter so we both have duties—it works for us. It might not be how other families operate, but it’s what works for ours. I feel like family is supposed to help each other, and I’m trying to make things easier and more balanced for everyone.

Thoughts?

Don't let haters hate. This is a great system. Don't put kids in aftercare.

Yes, I’m not being entitled by having family watch my kids. I won’t put them in aftercare.

My MIL was going to retire to similarly watch the kids. There was a planned 6 month delay and so the kids were going to aftercare in that time. They had such a blast getting extra playtime with friends. We had to tell MIL that we were keeping them in aftercare. MIL had visions of baked cookies etc but with no friends around, honestly, they would have been on screens a lot. Be more openminded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few pages back you wrote that your mother had six kids. Is she expected to watch ALL of her grandkids, or just yours?

What if one of your siblings needs her for fill-time care? Will you give up your free childcare for your sibling, since I assume your mother is obligated to help all of her grandkids?

Yea, she’s expected to watch all the grandkids, but she only watches mine and my 10 year old niece who’s homeschooled, regularly during the week. If one of my siblings needed full-time care, she’d watch theirs at the same time as mine, no problem.

Your bridge is that way >>>>>>>>>>>>

So now your mom is also regularly caring for another grandchild and she would "no problem" take care of more. Absolutely not.

But for anyone who does have a family member providing unpaid care, if they suddenly take off, they are telling you that they don't want to do that and you shouldn't rely on it. Also, don't leave kids with abusers because they are family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few pages back you wrote that your mother had six kids. Is she expected to watch ALL of her grandkids, or just yours?

What if one of your siblings needs her for fill-time care? Will you give up your free childcare for your sibling, since I assume your mother is obligated to help all of her grandkids?

Yea, she’s expected to watch all the grandkids, but she only watches mine and my 10 year old niece who’s homeschooled, regularly during the week. If one of my siblings needed full-time care, she’d watch theirs at the same time as mine, no problem.

Here’s how I know you’re a troll:

She’s “expected” to watch all the grandkids?

No, she is overly gracious and willingly assists you with the children you brought into this world.

She does this out of love and not obligation because there is no obligation.

I can’t imagine anybody would be so grossly entitled as to think their mother owes them childcare. And so: troll.

[Anonymous]

Holy batpoop, there's sooooooo much enmeshed dysfunction going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

You need to pay her.

Either that, or arrange for other childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you pay her and do you have a signed contract for childcare? If not, then she can absolutely do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

No she doesn’t pay and who signs a contract with their mother?

My point was that OP doesn't have an agreement with her mother so her mother (or maybe it's her mother in law, I can't tell anymore) can do whatever the heck she wants. The Mother/MIL is being a jerk by not providing any notice, but you also get what you pay for and OP is currently banking a few thousand dollars a month that she would otherwise have spent on childcare for her ridiculous number of young children so she is really not in any position to complain.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all of the responses. But my parents offered to provide childcare for specific days then started not being available without much notice. I think they felt like they couldn’t tell me. It was overwhelming because they knew I was relying on them greatly so I could work.

We made other arrangements for childcare, and after that they told us that they had been really exhausted for some time and didn’t want to cause us undo expense. I felt really bad, not knowing they were struggling with the regular commitment.

It sounds like your mom is ready to be Grandma and not Grandma Babysitter. More of a resource for when other childcare falls through than your main childcare provider.

It doesn’t sound like anyone behaved well with a conversation so maybe start by saying hey I’m really sorry the way things went down. You’ve been helping us out a lot. I think we might need to look at new arrangements that does that sound for you? but make it way more neutral than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few pages back you wrote that your mother had six kids. Is she expected to watch ALL of her grandkids, or just yours?

What if one of your siblings needs her for fill-time care? Will you give up your free childcare for your sibling, since I assume your mother is obligated to help all of her grandkids?

Yea, she’s expected to watch all the grandkids, but she only watches mine and my 10 year old niece who’s homeschooled, regularly during the week. If one of my siblings needed full-time care, she’d watch theirs at the same time as mine, no problem.

Here’s how I know you’re a troll:

She’s “expected” to watch all the grandkids?

No, she is overly gracious and willingly assists you with the children you brought into this world.

She does this out of love and not obligation because there is no obligation.

I can’t imagine anybody would be so grossly entitled as to think their mother owes them childcare. And so: troll.

Yes, in our family it’s normal for grandparents to help with their grandkids. If having my mom watch our children makes us “entitled,” then wouldn’t that imply that she’d be entitled for expecting us to care for her when she needs it? It goes both ways—it’s not one-sided.

In my family, children aren’t seen as a burden, so no one views this as “free childcare.” It’s just part of being a family. For example, my brother-in-law left his three-year-old twins with us last week so he and his wife could take a spring break trip. We made it work without complaining or refusing—that’s just what we do for each other.

My mom isn’t resentful or overwhelmed caring for her grandkids; if anything, she’d be bored without it. She genuinely enjoys being involved in their lives. Like I said before, my MIL will also be babysitting my kids regularly from now on, so responsibilities would be fairly split.

I also find it confusing that so many parents say they don’t have a “village” to rely on, yet arrangements like this are sometimes criticized. This is exactly what having a supportive family network looks like.

[Anonymous]

When will your mother be done wiping noses and bottoms? When does she FINALLY get to retire? Good lord, get your kids in daycare, after school programs, or pay for a nanny. Let grandma be grandma. Use her on the weekend so you can do yard work or go out for dinner and a movie. Your mom is feeling taken advantage of because she is being taken advantage of!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few pages back you wrote that your mother had six kids. Is she expected to watch ALL of her grandkids, or just yours?

What if one of your siblings needs her for fill-time care? Will you give up your free childcare for your sibling, since I assume your mother is obligated to help all of her grandkids?

Yea, she’s expected to watch all the grandkids, but she only watches mine and my 10 year old niece who’s homeschooled, regularly during the week. If one of my siblings needed full-time care, she’d watch theirs at the same time as mine, no problem.

Here’s how I know you’re a troll:

She’s “expected” to watch all the grandkids?

No, she is overly gracious and willingly assists you with the children you brought into this world.

She does this out of love and not obligation because there is no obligation.

I can’t imagine anybody would be so grossly entitled as to think their mother owes them childcare. And so: troll.

Yes, in our family it’s normal for grandparents to help with their grandkids. If having my mom watch our children makes us “entitled,” then wouldn’t that imply that she’d be entitled for expecting us to care for her when she needs it? It goes both ways—it’s not one-sided.

In my family, children aren’t seen as a burden, so no one views this as “free childcare.” It’s just part of being a family. For example, my brother-in-law left his three-year-old twins with us last week so he and his wife could take a spring break trip. We made it work without complaining or refusing—that’s just what we do for each other.

My mom isn’t resentful or overwhelmed caring for her grandkids; if anything, she’d be bored without it. She genuinely enjoys being involved in their lives. Like I said before, my MIL will also be babysitting my kids regularly from now on, so responsibilities would be fairly split.

I also find it confusing that so many parents say they don’t have a “village” to rely on, yet arrangements like this are sometimes criticized. This is exactly what having a supportive family network looks like.

There’s a difference between having a village and a abusing a village. I have a village and I use it sporadically, and I am extremely grateful and respectful when I do. I had the children and therefore I figure it is my responsibility to care for them without placing that burden unevenly on someone else. My mother already put in her time raising me. She shouldn’t have to put in full time raising my children.