Mom chose vacation over childcare with no notice - am I wrong to be upset?

[Anonymous]

For those that think this is a troll - you may be right and you may be wrong.

I personally know of a woman who has four kids of these ages who relies HEAVILY on her mom for childcare but won't admit it. She and her husband brag/lie to anyone who asks that they have never had to use "childcare" yet conveniently forget to mention that grandma is there every day.

Both grandma and the daughter/SIL have significant financial security so there is no reason the family can't hire childcare help or even a nanny.

And yes, the daughter is the most ungrateful and entitled boor you would ever want to meet. Thankfully, I don't have to see much of this person anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

Gifts, you say? Your mother is probably exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be feeling taken for granted.

This. Are you paying her or is she doing this for free? You have some nerve.

No pay. Entitled Mom gives Grandma gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

This is one step away from saying the mom should pay OP for the honor of spending all this precious time with her grandkids.

Almost indentured servitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

Gifts, you say? Your mother is probably exhausted.

I give my mom gifts and she lives in another state and never cares for my kids. Because giving gifts to your mom is a normal thing people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

Gifts, you say? Your mother is probably exhausted.

I give my mom gifts and she lives in another state and never cares for my kids. Because giving gifts to your mom is a normal thing people do.

Gifts are fine - but not as in lieu of payment for childcare.>

[Anonymous]

I know a couple who were providing 100% of childcare for their daughter's children.

They were taken advantage of.

The grandparents ended up paying for daycare so that they could have a life.

[Anonymous]

Out of everything on this thread, the fact that your kids call her "mom" is the craziest to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you're a troll because otherwise you'd be a terminally clueless and entitled piece of human garbage, OP.

Can't you see she burns out regularly and needs mental health breaks????

She can't tell you in advance, because you're her daughter and she doesn't have the communication tools to do so. But this is not her fault. You put her in this situation. If she was a salaried employee, she would follow company rules about advance notice when taking leave. Here she cannot.

TAKE THE HINT. This poor woman might never find the courage to have the hard conversation with you.

The grandchildren call the grandmother "Mom"? What is this all about?

She’s very blunt so she’d tell me no, if she were burnt out. She’s young (50s), retired, and enjoys spending time with my kids, they call her mom and are close to her. I don’t think that’s the problem, it’s just that she doesn’t give proper notice, because I’m her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you're a troll because otherwise you'd be a terminally clueless and entitled piece of human garbage, OP.

Can't you see she burns out regularly and needs mental health breaks????

She can't tell you in advance, because you're her daughter and she doesn't have the communication tools to do so. But this is not her fault. You put her in this situation. If she was a salaried employee, she would follow company rules about advance notice when taking leave. Here she cannot.

TAKE THE HINT. This poor woman might never find the courage to have the hard conversation with you.

She’s very blunt so she’d tell me no, if she were burnt out. She’s young (50s), retired, and enjoys spending time with my kids, they call her mom and are close to her. I don’t think that’s the problem, it’s just that she doesn’t give proper notice, because I’m her daughter.

The grandchildren call the grandmother "Mom"? What is this all about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be feeling taken for granted.

This. Are you paying her or is she doing this for free? You have some nerve.

No pay. Entitled Mom gives Grandma gifts.

Maybe if OP gave her mother a gift of a two week fully paid vacation in Hawaii her mother might not be exhausted with taking care of OP's kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

Shes shown you shes unreliable and will travel when she wants. You cant have a problem with the bolded- she isnt paid. Thank your lucky stars she has saved you hundreds of thousands in childcare costs. Now go find a nanny or daycare and instead of using vacation this summer youll need to use your leave to find someone.

It sucks but shes telling you no more. With that said, you can also let her know that youll be arranging formal childcare.

This isn’t the first time that she’s left without notice. We talked about it last time, and she said it was an accident, but she did it again.

This is your hint that she is tired of doing childcare and wants you to find another solution. Apparently she doesn't feel.comfortable talking to you about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to pay her. You also need to have backup plan 1,2, and 3 for childcare for when the provider is ill. Here last minute plans or illnesses happen with paid providers and will especially happen if the provider is unpaid, even (and especially) if it's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Out of everything on this thread, the fact that your kids call her "mom" is the craziest to me.

Same. That was just dropped in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

Gifts, you say? Your mother is probably exhausted.

I give my mom gifts and she lives in another state and never cares for my kids. Because giving gifts to your mom is a normal thing people do.

Gifts are fine - but not as in lieu of payment for childcare.>

I find that this is really dependent on region, culture, and specific families. My aunt has provided childcare for all of my cousins' kids until they entered pre-K - at one point she was watching 3 kids at a time. My mom was completely aghast that she was doing this without pay and my aunt was like why would they pay me, I'm their grandmother! But they all li8ve in the same city and likely always will, and I suspect that when the time comes, my cousins will step up to support their parents in old age.