Mom chose vacation over childcare with no notice - am I wrong to be upset?

[Anonymous]

My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

[Anonymous]

She might be feeling taken for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

Shes shown you shes unreliable and will travel when she wants. You cant have a problem with the bolded- she isnt paid. Thank your lucky stars she has saved you hundreds of thousands in childcare costs. Now go find a nanny or daycare and instead of using vacation this summer youll need to use your leave to find someone.

It sucks but shes telling you no more. With that said, you can also let her know that youll be arranging formal childcare.

[Anonymous]

Are you paying her?

I think she's telling you that she is feeling taken advantage of. You can love your grandchildren and feel that way.

I would have a conversation when you return about what's reasonable, and restructure your arrangement. Once you've done that, it might be reasonable to also ask for advanced notice.

In the meanwhile, if you haven't been paying, you've saved a fortune. Take a couple days of leave, as you'd do if she was suddenly sick, or one of your kids was sick with a contagious illness, and use those days to find some back up care. There are agencies that will send someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

Shes shown you shes unreliable and will travel when she wants. You cant have a problem with the bolded- she isnt paid. Thank your lucky stars she has saved you hundreds of thousands in childcare costs. Now go find a nanny or daycare and instead of using vacation this summer youll need to use your leave to find someone.

It sucks but shes telling you no more. With that said, you can also let her know that youll be arranging formal childcare.

This isn’t the first time that she’s left without notice. We talked about it last time, and she said it was an accident, but she did it again.

[Anonymous]

Time to find another plan for childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

The bolded sounds like she isn't taking this vacation with no notice. It sounds like she tried to talk to you about her need for a break, and you told her to wait until summer.

[Anonymous]

I still think you’re a troll. On the off chance you’re not, this is your wake up call that you always need a plan b. It also sounds like your mom is showing you that this arrangement is too much for her and she needs to have more balance of her time.

[Anonymous]

I hope this is a troll and not someone who is THIS entitled in real life. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

Shes shown you shes unreliable and will travel when she wants. You cant have a problem with the bolded- she isnt paid. Thank your lucky stars she has saved you hundreds of thousands in childcare costs. Now go find a nanny or daycare and instead of using vacation this summer youll need to use your leave to find someone.

It sucks but shes telling you no more. With that said, you can also let her know that youll be arranging formal childcare.

This isn’t the first time that she’s left without notice. We talked about it last time, and she said it was an accident, but she did it again.

So fire her for poor performance and not meeting expectations.

[Anonymous]

I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

[Anonymous]

I really hope you're a troll because otherwise you'd be a terminally clueless and entitled piece of human garbage, OP.

Can't you see she burns out regularly and needs mental health breaks????

She can't tell you in advance, because you're her daughter and she doesn't have the communication tools to do so. But this is not her fault. You put her in this situation. If she was a salaried employee, she would follow company rules about advance notice when taking leave. Here she cannot.

TAKE THE HINT. This poor woman might never find the courage to have the hard conversation with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

Excellent point.

Also, you deserved to be called every name in the book by your mother, OP. Such lack of gratitude on your part is disgraceful.

[Anonymous]

You're not going to win this, OP. DCUM understands the value of childcare. Apparently you don't. Your entitlement boggles the mind.