Mom chose vacation over childcare with no notice - am I wrong to be upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

This is one step away from saying the mom should pay OP for the honor of spending all this precious time with her grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

How much do you pay her for this childcare?

Surely your work has backup daycare options. Most do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

So ... you're cheap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

Shes shown you shes unreliable and will travel when she wants. You cant have a problem with the bolded- she isnt paid. Thank your lucky stars she has saved you hundreds of thousands in childcare costs. Now go find a nanny or daycare and instead of using vacation this summer youll need to use your leave to find someone.

It sucks but shes telling you no more. With that said, you can also let her know that youll be arranging formal childcare.

This isn’t the first time that she’s left without notice. We talked about it last time, and she said it was an accident, but she did it again.

So fire her for poor performance and not meeting expectations.

Yup. Time to cut her loose as the primary caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have very poor communication between you. It’s time to ask your mom what she needs (not what you need) in order to make her non-paid hard labor sustainable. Or find other arrangements. It’s incredible that you don’t acknowledge how fortunate you’ve been with this grossly one sided arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have very poor communication between you. It’s time to ask your mom what she needs (not what you need) in order to make her non-paid hard labor sustainable. Or find other arrangements. It’s incredible that you don’t acknowledge how fortunate you’ve been with this grossly one sided arrangement.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

How much do you pay her for this childcare?

Surely your work has backup daycare options. Most do.

NP no most do not

But watching 4 kids is a lot for anyone, and more so for someone who is on the older side.

OP, if you are not a troll, I will state the obvious. Yes it is inconvenient and inconsiderate for your mother not give you more notice of her vacation. That being said, it doesn't sound like you are paying her, and it doesn't surprise me that such an arrangement would end up not being super reliable. That being said even paid child care providers get sick or don't take kids that are sick. So you still have to be ready to figure things out when the provider can't watch your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

Shes shown you shes unreliable and will travel when she wants. You cant have a problem with the bolded- she isnt paid. Thank your lucky stars she has saved you hundreds of thousands in childcare costs. Now go find a nanny or daycare and instead of using vacation this summer youll need to use your leave to find someone.

It sucks but shes telling you no more. With that said, you can also let her know that youll be arranging formal childcare.

This isn’t the first time that she’s left without notice. We talked about it last time, and she said it was an accident, but she did it again.

So fire her for poor performance and not meeting expectations.

This s the right response. She needs to know who's the boss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you're a troll because otherwise you'd be a terminally clueless and entitled piece of human garbage, OP.

Can't you see she burns out regularly and needs mental health breaks????

She can't tell you in advance, because you're her daughter and she doesn't have the communication tools to do so. But this is not her fault. You put her in this situation. If she was a salaried employee, she would follow company rules about advance notice when taking leave. Here she cannot.

TAKE THE HINT. This poor woman might never find the courage to have the hard conversation with you.

She’s very blunt so she’d tell me no, if she were burnt out. She’s young (50s), retired, and enjoys spending time with my kids, they call her mom and are close to her. I don’t think that’s the problem, it’s just that she doesn’t give proper notice, because I’m her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

Shes shown you shes unreliable and will travel when she wants. You cant have a problem with the bolded- she isnt paid. Thank your lucky stars she has saved you hundreds of thousands in childcare costs. Now go find a nanny or daycare and instead of using vacation this summer youll need to use your leave to find someone.

It sucks but shes telling you no more. With that said, you can also let her know that youll be arranging formal childcare.

This isn’t the first time that she’s left without notice. We talked about it last time, and she said it was an accident, but she did it again.

Why are you tolerating such insubordination? In the very least, you should cut her pay or skip the bonus. Oh wait...

[Anonymous]

This would stink to be told last minute and not to have it be the first time. Sounds like you can accept that this will happen and enjoy the free care when you have it or switch to paying for care (nanny/daycare). If you want to keep using your mom, probably find a few backup options but know that you've got a pretty sweet deal on the regular.

[Anonymous]

If your employment contract doesn’t say anything about notice for time off, there’s not really anything you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

she reached her limit. You need to find alternative care. Stat. She will probably like to help out here and there, but not be the primary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

Not her responsibility, it’s yours. I hope you pay her. Four kids is a big ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

How much do you pay her for this childcare?

Surely your work has backup daycare options. Most do.

NP no most do not

But watching 4 kids is a lot for anyone, and more so for someone who is on the older side.

OP, if you are not a troll, I will state the obvious. Yes it is inconvenient and inconsiderate for your mother not give you more notice of her vacation. That being said, it doesn't sound like you are paying her, and it doesn't surprise me that such an arrangement would end up not being super reliable. That being said even paid child care providers get sick or don't take kids that are sick. So you still have to be ready to figure things out when the provider can't watch your kids.

Yes, a lot do. It's a common fringe benefit. Check out Bright Horizons, OP.