Mom chose vacation over childcare with no notice - am I wrong to be upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your employment contract doesn’t say anything about notice for time off, there’s not really anything you can do.

Yes, what does her written employment contract say OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you're a troll because otherwise you'd be a terminally clueless and entitled piece of human garbage, OP.

Can't you see she burns out regularly and needs mental health breaks????

She can't tell you in advance, because you're her daughter and she doesn't have the communication tools to do so. But this is not her fault. You put her in this situation. If she was a salaried employee, she would follow company rules about advance notice when taking leave. Here she cannot.

TAKE THE HINT. This poor woman might never find the courage to have the hard conversation with you.

She’s very blunt so she’d tell me no, if she were burnt out. She’s young (50s), retired, and enjoys spending time with my kids, they call her mom and are close to her. I don’t think that’s the problem, it’s just that she doesn’t give proper notice, because I’m her daughter.

She doesn’t know she is burnt out. She just think she needs a break and she is taking it. Find alternative care. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you're a troll because otherwise you'd be a terminally clueless and entitled piece of human garbage, OP.

Can't you see she burns out regularly and needs mental health breaks????

She can't tell you in advance, because you're her daughter and she doesn't have the communication tools to do so. But this is not her fault. You put her in this situation. If she was a salaried employee, she would follow company rules about advance notice when taking leave. Here she cannot.

TAKE THE HINT. This poor woman might never find the courage to have the hard conversation with you.

She’s very blunt so she’d tell me no, if she were burnt out. She’s young (50s), retired, and enjoys spending time with my kids, they call her mom and are close to her. I don’t think that’s the problem, it’s just that she doesn’t give proper notice, because I’m her daughter.

So find other childcare. Either this is a dealbreaker for you, or it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

IF THIS IS TRUE, she is saving you thousands upon thousands of dollars every year. OF COURSE, she should have told you that she was taking vacation NOW. But you need to cut her a very wide berth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

How much do you pay her for this childcare?

Surely your work has backup daycare options. Most do.

NP no most do not

But watching 4 kids is a lot for anyone, and more so for someone who is on the older side.

OP, if you are not a troll, I will state the obvious. Yes it is inconvenient and inconsiderate for your mother not give you more notice of her vacation. That being said, it doesn't sound like you are paying her, and it doesn't surprise me that such an arrangement would end up not being super reliable. That being said even paid child care providers get sick or don't take kids that are sick. So you still have to be ready to figure things out when the provider can't watch your kids.

Yes, a lot do. It's a common fringe benefit. Check out Bright Horizons, OP.

Most do not

[Anonymous]

So much to unpack here. I can’t even handle my two kids at the age of 35 let along 4 kids as a person over the age of 60. Sounds like you are taking advantage of her. You don’t even let her have a break on weekends? Wow. You handle the kids YOU decided to have. Get on care.com and pay for a nanny like the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

Shes shown you shes unreliable and will travel when she wants. You cant have a problem with the bolded- she isnt paid. Thank your lucky stars she has saved you hundreds of thousands in childcare costs. Now go find a nanny or daycare and instead of using vacation this summer youll need to use your leave to find someone.

It sucks but shes telling you no more. With that said, you can also let her know that youll be arranging formal childcare.

This isn’t the first time that she’s left without notice. We talked about it last time, and she said it was an accident, but she did it again.

So fire her for poor performance and not meeting expectations.

Maybe put her on a PIP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much to unpack here. I can’t even handle my two kids at the age of 35 let along 4 kids as a person over the age of 60. Sounds like you are taking advantage of her. You don’t even let her have a break on weekends? Wow. You handle the kids YOU decided to have. Get on care.com and pay for a nanny like the rest of us.

Don’t use care.com! Register with an agency if you want to ensure quality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you're a troll because otherwise you'd be a terminally clueless and entitled piece of human garbage, OP.

Can't you see she burns out regularly and needs mental health breaks????

She can't tell you in advance, because you're her daughter and she doesn't have the communication tools to do so. But this is not her fault. You put her in this situation. If she was a salaried employee, she would follow company rules about advance notice when taking leave. Here she cannot.

TAKE THE HINT. This poor woman might never find the courage to have the hard conversation with you.

She’s very blunt so she’d tell me no, if she were burnt out. She’s young (50s), retired, and enjoys spending time with my kids, they call her mom and are close to her. I don’t think that’s the problem, it’s just that she doesn’t give proper notice, because I’m her daughter.

So find other childcare. Either this is a dealbreaker for you, or it isn't.

I’m planning to talk with her about what would work best. One option I’m considering is enrolling the two older kids in aftercare, so she would only need to focus on the younger two. I really don’t feel like I’m asking for too much. When I was growing up, my grandma cared for me and my five siblings, so I also feel like it’s reasonable for her to do the same, or to see if one of my siblings might be able to help out as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

How much do you pay her for this childcare?

Surely your work has backup daycare options. Most do.

NP no most do not

But watching 4 kids is a lot for anyone, and more so for someone who is on the older side.

OP, if you are not a troll, I will state the obvious. Yes it is inconvenient and inconsiderate for your mother not give you more notice of her vacation. That being said, it doesn't sound like you are paying her, and it doesn't surprise me that such an arrangement would end up not being super reliable. That being said even paid child care providers get sick or don't take kids that are sick. So you still have to be ready to figure things out when the provider can't watch your kids.

Yes, a lot do. It's a common fringe benefit. Check out Bright Horizons, OP.

Most do not

It's a common benefit, especially among large firms. Since you're ignorant, I must direct you to refrain from commenting further. Please and thank you.

[Anonymous]

Or pay someone! Don’t ask your siblings!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She might be feeling taken for granted.

This. You need to arrange new childcare. She deserves a break as she already raised you. This is here telling you something needs to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

How much do you pay her for this childcare?

Surely your work has backup daycare options. Most do.

NP no most do not

But watching 4 kids is a lot for anyone, and more so for someone who is on the older side.

OP, if you are not a troll, I will state the obvious. Yes it is inconvenient and inconsiderate for your mother not give you more notice of her vacation. That being said, it doesn't sound like you are paying her, and it doesn't surprise me that such an arrangement would end up not being super reliable. That being said even paid child care providers get sick or don't take kids that are sick. So you still have to be ready to figure things out when the provider can't watch your kids.

Yes, a lot do. It's a common fringe benefit. Check out Bright Horizons, OP.

Most do not

It's a common benefit, especially among large firms. Since you're ignorant, I must direct you to refrain from commenting further. Please and thank you.

I think the person who thinks that “most” people in America work for “large firms” is the ignorant one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is our primary childcare for my four kids (7, 5 in Pre-K, 2.5, and 17 months). She watches them most days and some weekends, and yes—we rely on that heavily and prefer it over a nanny or daycare.

She told me the day before that she’s going on a trip this week. Not a heads up, not a discussion—just “I’m leaving.” Now I’m left scrambling to figure out childcare with two working parents and multiple young kids.

I get that she has her own life. I’m not saying she can’t travel. But I do have a problem with her choosing to go on vacation over childcare responsibilities she’s consistently taken on—especially with zero notice. That’s not just inconvenient, it’s completely inconsiderate.

When I said this timing doesn’t work and suggested she plan trips for times we’ve already talked about (like summer), she told me she doesn’t care, she can do what she wants, and that I’m wrong for even questioning it. When I pushed back and said she should have at least planned it differently or given notice, she called me controlling and a disrespectful daughter, and started calling me names.
Its not even just about the trip—it’s the lack of communication and the complete disregard for how much we depend on her.

Curious how others would handle this. Should I expect notice, or should I just assume I always need backup childcare no matter what?

Maybe she is fed up with her cheap daughter using her. Four kids for a woman who is probably in her early 60's! Are you crazy? Hire a nanny and stop using your mother.

[Anonymous]

Are you paying her? At minimum you should be paying her $100/day.