Mom chose vacation over childcare with no notice - am I wrong to be upset?

[Anonymous]

Op, you should not have 4 kids. I paid some money every month to my retired mom to help take care each of my kid till they were 2.5 years old, and my mom blamed me that I had kids too late & sent them off too early to daycare center for germs. She helped to take care of one kid at a time because my 2 kids are 3 years apart, and it was still considered a lot of work to her. Taking care of 4 kids for free probably have saved you at least more than $5k a month. I remember I paid $2300 a month for a 3 year old at a daycare center.

Once she comes back from the vacation, you should plan a nanny to take care of the younger two kids & do aftercare for the older 2 kids. You & DH should take turns taking pto or leave for school closing or sickness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love the recurring theme of not trusting nannies or daycare workers but instead insisting on leaving your kids with a woman who is physically and verbally abusive. ::chef's kiss::

I think my kids are being a bit spoiled, due spending so much time with my mom and MIL. It’s the opposite, my mom isn’t abusive.

"She’ll berate and yell at me, and sometimes even do things like slap my arm or pull my hair or grab a towel and throw it at me"

What's your idea of abusive?

[Anonymous]

You don’t trust daycares but you leave your kids with your mom who is physically abusive to you? How do you know she’s not hurting the kids?

Get paid childcare or be a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be embarrassed to have 4 kids and call my mom their primary caregiver.

Five! OP has 5 kids ages 7 and under.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’m being entitled by having my mom help babysit my kids. My mother had six kids, and doesn’t see child care as some hard & difficult task. She loves it, my kids are very well behaved and they have a lot of fun. She’s financially well-off and has done things for me over the years, and she expects me to do the same for her. She expects me to obey her, listen to her, and not talk back—even as a grown adult. She’ll berate and yell at me, and sometimes even do things like slap my arm or pull my hair or grab a towel and throw it at me, like I’m still a child. So honestly, this feels like the least she could do to help.

I also don’t see why I should pay her, especially when she’s well-off and has told me to just keep any money I offer.

To be clear, I just got off the phone with her. I told her I was sorry for disrespecting her. She’s on the plane. I actually told her she didn’t need to watch the kids anymore. I said I could find someone else. She immediately pushed back and said, “No, no—I want to.” She sees not as withholding. I asked her multiple times if she was sure, and she kept insisting that she really does want to continue watching them. So this isn’t something I’m forcing—she genuinely wants to do it.

Right now, the schedule works like this: I wake up and take my two older kids to school, then drop the two younger ones off with her at 10ish. She watches them until about 3:30. My 7-year-old gets home on the bus, and my 5-year-old is in afternoon preschool and gets brought home by a close friend. This usually happens three days a week. Occasionally, she’ll also help on Saturdays (maybe every 3–4 weeks), and when my husband and I travel or need a weekend, she’ll keep the kids for that too.

I don’t trust daycares or nannies, and since we have family around, I’d much rather have them help. I also don’t want to sacrifice my career, and neither does she want me to sacrifice my career. I work from home on the days I don’t have childcare, so realistically I could even limit in-office days to just two days a week if needed—I really only need childcare for work.

So I talked to her about adjusting the schedule to make things more balanced. She still doesn’t agree with this, but since I want into give her breaks, I think it’s fair. Instead of my mom doing multiple weekdays regularly, we could split things up more. For example, my MIL—who also loves spending time with the kids and has them today—could take some of the weekdays, and my mom could take the others. On weekends or overnights, they could divide things up as well (like each taking two kids), or alternate weekends depending on what works best. If needed, my siblings or sibling in laws could also help occasionally when they’re free and I need support.

I’m not forcing anyone into this, but it feels like a fair system. The way I see it, I do things for my mom, she does things for me, she’s my mother and I’m her daughter so we both have duties—it works for us. It might not be how other families operate, but it’s what works for ours. I feel like family is supposed to help each other, and I’m trying to make things easier and more balanced for everyone.

Thoughts?

Don't let haters hate. This is a great system. Don't put kids in aftercare.

Yes, I’m not being entitled by having family watch my kids. I won’t put them in aftercare.

Not only are you being entitled but you are extremely tone deaf. You are talking to a whole lot of people who put their kids in daycare and aftercare. You're not specail princess.

I’m not judging moms who use daycare or aftercare—every family does what works for them. I’m just saying that what might come across as “entitled” in one family isn’t necessarily the case in mine. That wasn’t really the point of my post anyway. I wasn’t asking whether I’m entitled; I was asking if it’s reasonable for me to feel upset and whether I should expect advance notice or just always have backup childcare.
I still feel like expecting notice is fair.

My MIL is usually good about communicating, but I’ll make sure to have backup care going forward. I also told her I’d give more notice on my end next time. That said, she made it clear she’s going to do what works for her, and I should just respect her.

Thanks everyone for the input!

So, now it's your MIL? Keep your trolling straight.

It could be both. It's clearly a family with no boundaries. Maybe she married her brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love the recurring theme of not trusting nannies or daycare workers but instead insisting on leaving your kids with a woman who is physically and verbally abusive. ::chef's kiss::

I think my kids are being a bit spoiled, due spending so much time with my mom and MIL. It’s the opposite, my mom isn’t abusive.

"She’ll berate and yell at me, and sometimes even do things like slap my arm or pull my hair or grab a towel and throw it at me"

What's your idea of abusive?

I don’t think she’s abusive, she’s my mother who gave birth to me and raised me. She hasn’t done anything evil to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t trust daycares but you leave your kids with your mom who is physically abusive to you? How do you know she’s not hurting the kids?

Get paid childcare or be a SAHM.

I know she isn’t saying anything mean to my kids, which I think is more harmful than spanking them. She has swatted them a few times, if they did something dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

Yes she should have given you a heads up but 4 kids is a lot. Why don't you supplement with some paid help? I know someone who hosts the grandchildren and babysitter at her house - so she is around but can come and go at will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t trust daycares but you leave your kids with your mom who is physically abusive to you? How do you know she’s not hurting the kids?

Get paid childcare or be a SAHM.

I know she isn’t saying anything mean to my kids, which I think is more harmful than spanking them. She has swatted them a few times, if they did something dangerous.

Well, if something happens to one of your kids while they’re under the care of your unpaid, unlicensed caregiver, legally you’re on the hook, not your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’m being entitled by having my mom help babysit my kids. My mother had six kids, and doesn’t see child care as some hard & difficult task. She loves it, my kids are very well behaved and they have a lot of fun. She’s financially well-off and has done things for me over the years, and she expects me to do the same for her. She expects me to obey her, listen to her, and not talk back—even as a grown adult. She’ll berate and yell at me, and sometimes even do things like slap my arm or pull my hair or grab a towel and throw it at me, like I’m still a child. So honestly, this feels like the least she could do to help.

I also don’t see why I should pay her, especially when she’s well-off and has told me to just keep any money I offer.

To be clear, I just got off the phone with her. I told her I was sorry for disrespecting her. She’s on the plane. I actually told her she didn’t need to watch the kids anymore. I said I could find someone else. She immediately pushed back and said, “No, no—I want to.” She sees not as withholding. I asked her multiple times if she was sure, and she kept insisting that she really does want to continue watching them. So this isn’t something I’m forcing—she genuinely wants to do it.

Right now, the schedule works like this: I wake up and take my two older kids to school, then drop the two younger ones off with her at 10ish. She watches them until about 3:30. My 7-year-old gets home on the bus, and my 5-year-old is in afternoon preschool and gets brought home by a close friend. This usually happens three days a week. Occasionally, she’ll also help on Saturdays (maybe every 3–4 weeks), and when my husband and I travel or need a weekend, she’ll keep the kids for that too.

I don’t trust daycares or nannies, and since we have family around, I’d much rather have them help. I also don’t want to sacrifice my career, and neither does she want me to sacrifice my career. I work from home on the days I don’t have childcare, so realistically I could even limit in-office days to just two days a week if needed—I really only need childcare for work.

So I talked to her about adjusting the schedule to make things more balanced. She still doesn’t agree with this, but since I want into give her breaks, I think it’s fair. Instead of my mom doing multiple weekdays regularly, we could split things up more. For example, my MIL—who also loves spending time with the kids and has them today—could take some of the weekdays, and my mom could take the others. On weekends or overnights, they could divide things up as well (like each taking two kids), or alternate weekends depending on what works best. If needed, my siblings or sibling in laws could also help occasionally when they’re free and I need support.

I’m not forcing anyone into this, but it feels like a fair system. The way I see it, I do things for my mom, she does things for me, she’s my mother and I’m her daughter so we both have duties—it works for us. It might not be how other families operate, but it’s what works for ours. I feel like family is supposed to help each other, and I’m trying to make things easier and more balanced for everyone.

Thoughts?

So, because as an adult you still let your mother slap you and pull your hair, she should be able to watch your children as free childcare.

What in the ever loving sweet jesus shenanigans did I just read? This cannot be real.

I want to clarify that my mom slapping me isn’t why I think she should help with my kids,—I believe that, as their grandmother, being involved in their lives is part of her role. As a daughter, respecting my mother and caring for her is/will be my role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t trust daycares but you leave your kids with your mom who is physically abusive to you? How do you know she’s not hurting the kids?

Get paid childcare or be a SAHM.

I know she isn’t saying anything mean to my kids, which I think is more harmful than spanking them. She has swatted them a few times, if they did something dangerous.

Well, if something happens to one of your kids while they’re under the care of your unpaid, unlicensed caregiver, legally you’re on the hook, not your mom.

Everything will be fine. She’s great at managing children, and they’ve never gotten hurt while in her care.

[Anonymous]

She was right to leave you in the lurch. You are disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or pay someone! Don’t ask your siblings!

My youngest sibling is only 24, living alone, she could also help babysit, and I’d pay her. I could also start paying my mother. I just don’t want to put my kids in daycare, I’d rather be a SAHM.

I can guarantee you that a 24 year old does not want to babysit.

Nor would she know how to handle 4 kids at once.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Do you pay her and do you have a signed contract for childcare? If not, then she can absolutely do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

If you can’t pay for daycare you had too many kids.