Any other women quiet quitting your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Genuine question - do you not think that is going to lead to tension for your kids? I can't imagine my children not being acutely aware of their dad and I not talking, not being affectionate, etc. They would suss out immediately if we were doing this (and they have once pointed out that there was tension when they walked downstairs and we were in the middle of a disagreement - no yelling or anything, but we were very annoyed with each other).

Right!

It’s wild that people think living like this for 5-10 years is somehow healthier for their children than divorce. Why teach them that their mom will tolerate anything their dad dishes out? Wow, really punishing him with the minimal communication. He truly gives no fcks.
This only hurts
OP. If there’s no road to repair, just cut the losses already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Genuine question - do you not think that is going to lead to tension for your kids? I can't imagine my children not being acutely aware of their dad and I not talking, not being affectionate, etc. They would suss out immediately if we were doing this (and they have once pointed out that there was tension when they walked downstairs and we were in the middle of a disagreement - no yelling or anything, but we were very annoyed with each other).

Right!

It’s wild that people think living like this for 5-10 years is somehow healthier for their children than divorce. Why teach them that their mom will tolerate anything their dad dishes out? Wow, really punishing him with the minimal communication. He truly gives no fcks.
This only hurts
OP. If there’s no road to repair, just cut the losses already.

Valid, but then see the other post:

The other side of it: I was left by a checked-out DH who decided he cared about his career more than anything else. But then he went after custody even though he had zero interest in parenting. My kids would have been better with everyone under one roof and tension and one checked-out parent rather than having to be ignored and fend for themselves 40% of the time at their father’s house.

A tense household is better than spending half the remainder of your childhood never getting to school or activities on time, being ignored at home, waking yourself up and scrambling for clean clothes and packed lunch supplies because your father “had an early meeting” ever day that week, and wondering if that’s the day you’ll get picked up from soccer or will have to once again beg a ride from another parent.

You can't always cut your losses. Some of them linger long after a divorce. For some of us, our kids' suffering is our suffering.

[Anonymous]

This is easy OP: treat him just like he treats you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Genuine question - do you not think that is going to lead to tension for your kids? I can't imagine my children not being acutely aware of their dad and I not talking, not being affectionate, etc. They would suss out immediately if we were doing this (and they have once pointed out that there was tension when they walked downstairs and we were in the middle of a disagreement - no yelling or anything, but we were very annoyed with each other).

Right!

It’s wild that people think living like this for 5-10 years is somehow healthier for their children than divorce. Why teach them that their mom will tolerate anything their dad dishes out? Wow, really punishing him with the minimal communication. He truly gives no fcks.
This only hurts
OP. If there’s no road to repair, just cut the losses already.

Valid, but then see the other post:

The other side of it: I was left by a checked-out DH who decided he cared about his career more than anything else. But then he went after custody even though he had zero interest in parenting. My kids would have been better with everyone under one roof and tension and one checked-out parent rather than having to be ignored and fend for themselves 40% of the time at their father’s house.

A tense household is better than spending half the remainder of your childhood never getting to school or activities on time, being ignored at home, waking yourself up and scrambling for clean clothes and packed lunch supplies because your father “had an early meeting” ever day that week, and wondering if that’s the day you’ll get picked up from soccer or will have to once again beg a ride from another parent.

You can't always cut your losses. Some of them linger long after a divorce. For some of us, our kids' suffering is our suffering.

I'm like that poster in that my ex can't buy groceries or throw away moldy food, can't keep up with their laundry or other needs, is always gone at "meetings" (meetups with friends both before and after school), have to find themselves rides, etc.

All of this said, my kids now see their father for who he really is. He wasn't more functional just because I did all the adulting for him. I just spackled over his flaws, and, horribly, I taught them that that's marriage. You overfunction for a manchild. They are learning a lot of hard lessons, but ones that will serve them well.

They're teenagers, though. I'm glad I stayed after his first affair, when they were tiny.

[Anonymous]

Getting to the point of passive aggressively quiet quitting is about years of keeping score.

Often, people object to "keeping score" because it draws attention to the score.

Yes. Yes yes yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Context matters. It's one thing if you're pulling long surgical shifts, but another if you're going to every conference, sports event, concert, and happy hour thrown your way. And if all you offer is a paycheck, husband or ex-husband, what's the difference, really?

Ha, I'm the poster girl for this. My ex did workouts and coffee with friends every single morning, happy hours and concerts most nights of the week, solo trips and guys' trips and festivals every weekend. (I honestly think he has some kind of dopamine deficit issue.)

A year and a half ago he suddenly walked out on me for another woman. I was devastated and confused, and scared, as a SAHM with a chronic illness. Thankfully, he felt guilty, I guess. And now I get $10k/month for life, plus I have assets worth a couple million. A friend actually had to say to me . . . "Wait, so you don't have to deal with a man, and you don't have to worry about money, this sounds . . . amazing?" And I was like, oh yeah, sniffle, you think so?

But as I've peeled back the layers on all the overfunctioning and shit-sandwich-eating I was doing, I cannot believe how much I have lucked out. Today I actually had a conversation with my mother about his affair-partner-turned-girlfriend in which I said, "I mean, no one should do these things for another adult. She shouldn't have to do these things for him. But it's better for my children that someone is doing them. And I am so glad it's not me." She said, "Yes, I think he needs someone to take care of him." I said, "No, he needs to stop drinking. Then he could take care of himself."

We have 60/40 custody and I cannot believe how much more free time I have (since I started with zero). 40% of my nights free is so many nights! And just doing my laundry and the kids is so much easier. Buying Christmas presents just from me instead of from "Mommy and Daddy" . . . everything is so easy. And then they come back from Christmas crying about how he screwed it up and happy to have "real Christmas" with me, and I say "I know babies" and then we snuggle on the couch together (I have two teenaged daughters).

Really the only thing he was providing me that I'm not getting now is sex, and that will be easy to find when I'm ready. And despite his high income he's a black hole of mysterious spending and is always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I am saving so much money each month.

I'm not just eating bon bons and spending all my money on hats. I'm doing all the parenting. And I'm still grieving in a lot of ways. I'm still sad that the person I had kids with is just gone. He would have been heartbroken to know how he was going to ruin his relationship with his kids.

But I'm glad that they are seeing toxic and dysfunctional behavior for what it is. I'm not whitewashing his sins any more. He's standing (well, falling on his arse) on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

How is self-care passive-aggressive?

DP - By definition "quiet" anything is passive aggressive. Direct aggressive is confronting with: "Henceforth X is what's happening, because Y and therefore Z". Announcing to the anonymous internet you're "quitting" is passive weak sauce bullshit.

You brought children into the world with a non-parent. Take full responsibility. Now.

No it’s not. Stop fixating and try to listen. This is not black & white like you hope everything is.

Quiet and hitting a relationship is knowing you, and especially the kids, have all bad options so you are picking the least bad option. And are ceasing to prop up your deadweight husband. All his poor comms, poor parenting, poor executive functioning, poor relationships are now his to deal with. You are no longer covering them up or fixing them up. Dropping the rope.

The idiot will be too egotistical to notice or ask why. Because he knows the answer is he’s a $hithead.

Do be ready for him to wonder why he’s not getting held up any longer, then hit the Easy Button, leave, and play the victim to any sucker who will listen:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

Hilarious!

You think changing my “perspective on life” is going to fix the broken garage door or help my dyslexic child or meal plan/cook, or plot out summer camps/ trips, or provide decent childcare so I can unpack the house??!

Meanwhile the other do-nothing parent freeloads, hides in his home office, ignores his children, eats dinner in 3 minutes, then walks off “to relax” and pass out by 8:30pm watching Netflix. Daily.

No emotions needed. He’s a deadweight. Lots of non-emotional data and camera feeds to back that up. Or ask the kids.

You seem to have taken that post personally, when it reads like a generalization of multiple posts. Your husband does sound completely checked out and frustrating, but the hate you have requires a change in perspective or marital status, if you don’t want ulcers or a heart attack.

Lolz.

U still parroting back that same bad line. Fix your attitude? Change your perspective? That’s for minor $hit, this is major $hit. Action is needed. At a minimum radical acceptable and then ignore the loser liability entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can stop doing it all and they don’t care. It’s no skin off their azz if it’s done or not.
Their little universe will keep spinning and it’s yours that somehow gets even worse.

Bathroom filthy? So what?

He’s out of clean underwear? He’ll get same day delivery from Prime.

Kids need to get their teeth cleaned? Sorry, the only medical attention the kids will ever get is emergency care in the case of a broken bone or stitches.

Birthday gifts? What are those?

True.

That’s why you need to minimize them and any potential (usually negative) impact they make on any family member. Hire Nannies forever, housekeepers, drivers, cooks, tutors, planners. Take vacations with normal friends & family. Tell them they’re awesome and you’re busy. And you are busy- you’re the mother, father, house manager, asset manager, repair person, therapist, child whisperer, and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Context matters. It's one thing if you're pulling long surgical shifts, but another if you're going to every conference, sports event, concert, and happy hour thrown your way. And if all you offer is a paycheck, husband or ex-husband, what's the difference, really?

Ha, I'm the poster girl for this. My ex did workouts and coffee with friends every single morning, happy hours and concerts most nights of the week, solo trips and guys' trips and festivals every weekend. (I honestly think he has some kind of dopamine deficit issue.)

A year and a half ago he suddenly walked out on me for another woman. I was devastated and confused, and scared, as a SAHM with a chronic illness. Thankfully, he felt guilty, I guess. And now I get $10k/month for life, plus I have assets worth a couple million. A friend actually had to say to me . . . "Wait, so you don't have to deal with a man, and you don't have to worry about money, this sounds . . . amazing?" And I was like, oh yeah, sniffle, you think so?

But as I've peeled back the layers on all the overfunctioning and shit-sandwich-eating I was doing, I cannot believe how much I have lucked out. Today I actually had a conversation with my mother about his affair-partner-turned-girlfriend in which I said, "I mean, no one should do these things for another adult. She shouldn't have to do these things for him. But it's better for my children that someone is doing them. And I am so glad it's not me." She said, "Yes, I think he needs someone to take care of him." I said, "No, he needs to stop drinking. Then he could take care of himself."

We have 60/40 custody and I cannot believe how much more free time I have (since I started with zero). 40% of my nights free is so many nights! And just doing my laundry and the kids is so much easier. Buying Christmas presents just from me instead of from "Mommy and Daddy" . . . everything is so easy. And then they come back from Christmas crying about how he screwed it up and happy to have "real Christmas" with me, and I say "I know babies" and then we snuggle on the couch together (I have two teenaged daughters).

Really the only thing he was providing me that I'm not getting now is sex, and that will be easy to find when I'm ready. And despite his high income he's a black hole of mysterious spending and is always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I am saving so much money each month.

I'm not just eating bon bons and spending all my money on hats. I'm doing all the parenting. And I'm still grieving in a lot of ways. I'm still sad that the person I had kids with is just gone. He would have been heartbroken to know how he was going to ruin his relationship with his kids.

But I'm glad that they are seeing toxic and dysfunctional behavior for what it is. I'm not whitewashing his sins any more. He's standing (well, falling on his arse) on his own.

Thanks. OP here. So many similarities. It's like future me saying everything will be okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, just get a divorce. What is the point of all this drama?

Coparenting with divorced deadbeat = no drama?

Said no one ever.

You’re right, no one said that.

But it’s certainly less drama than this passive aggressive TikTok brain bull$hit.

[Anonymous]

I worked with a child psychologist prior to quiet quitting, and kids don't really care if parents are affectionate with each other. Kids just need an intact, low-conflict home, if that's possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Context matters. It's one thing if you're pulling long surgical shifts, but another if you're going to every conference, sports event, concert, and happy hour thrown your way. And if all you offer is a paycheck, husband or ex-husband, what's the difference, really?

Ha, I'm the poster girl for this. My ex did workouts and coffee with friends every single morning, happy hours and concerts most nights of the week, solo trips and guys' trips and festivals every weekend. (I honestly think he has some kind of dopamine deficit issue.)

A year and a half ago he suddenly walked out on me for another woman. I was devastated and confused, and scared, as a SAHM with a chronic illness. Thankfully, he felt guilty, I guess. And now I get $10k/month for life, plus I have assets worth a couple million. A friend actually had to say to me . . . "Wait, so you don't have to deal with a man, and you don't have to worry about money, this sounds . . . amazing?" And I was like, oh yeah, sniffle, you think so?

But as I've peeled back the layers on all the overfunctioning and shit-sandwich-eating I was doing, I cannot believe how much I have lucked out. Today I actually had a conversation with my mother about his affair-partner-turned-girlfriend in which I said, "I mean, no one should do these things for another adult. She shouldn't have to do these things for him. But it's better for my children that someone is doing them. And I am so glad it's not me." She said, "Yes, I think he needs someone to take care of him." I said, "No, he needs to stop drinking. Then he could take care of himself."

We have 60/40 custody and I cannot believe how much more free time I have (since I started with zero). 40% of my nights free is so many nights! And just doing my laundry and the kids is so much easier. Buying Christmas presents just from me instead of from "Mommy and Daddy" . . . everything is so easy. And then they come back from Christmas crying about how he screwed it up and happy to have "real Christmas" with me, and I say "I know babies" and then we snuggle on the couch together (I have two teenaged daughters).

Really the only thing he was providing me that I'm not getting now is sex, and that will be easy to find when I'm ready. And despite his high income he's a black hole of mysterious spending and is always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I am saving so much money each month.

I'm not just eating bon bons and spending all my money on hats. I'm doing all the parenting. And I'm still grieving in a lot of ways. I'm still sad that the person I had kids with is just gone. He would have been heartbroken to know how he was going to ruin his relationship with his kids.

But I'm glad that they are seeing toxic and dysfunctional behavior for what it is. I'm not whitewashing his sins any more. He's standing (well, falling on his arse) on his own.

$10k/month and assets worth couple of millions I think you are okay. In most cases divorce is not a bad deal for women. The courts will lobby for them so they come out financially ahead,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Context matters. It's one thing if you're pulling long surgical shifts, but another if you're going to every conference, sports event, concert, and happy hour thrown your way. And if all you offer is a paycheck, husband or ex-husband, what's the difference, really?

Ha, I'm the poster girl for this. My ex did workouts and coffee with friends every single morning, happy hours and concerts most nights of the week, solo trips and guys' trips and festivals every weekend. (I honestly think he has some kind of dopamine deficit issue.)

A year and a half ago he suddenly walked out on me for another woman. I was devastated and confused, and scared, as a SAHM with a chronic illness. Thankfully, he felt guilty, I guess. And now I get $10k/month for life, plus I have assets worth a couple million. A friend actually had to say to me . . . "Wait, so you don't have to deal with a man, and you don't have to worry about money, this sounds . . . amazing?" And I was like, oh yeah, sniffle, you think so?

But as I've peeled back the layers on all the overfunctioning and shit-sandwich-eating I was doing, I cannot believe how much I have lucked out. Today I actually had a conversation with my mother about his affair-partner-turned-girlfriend in which I said, "I mean, no one should do these things for another adult. She shouldn't have to do these things for him. But it's better for my children that someone is doing them. And I am so glad it's not me." She said, "Yes, I think he needs someone to take care of him." I said, "No, he needs to stop drinking. Then he could take care of himself."

We have 60/40 custody and I cannot believe how much more free time I have (since I started with zero). 40% of my nights free is so many nights! And just doing my laundry and the kids is so much easier. Buying Christmas presents just from me instead of from "Mommy and Daddy" . . . everything is so easy. And then they come back from Christmas crying about how he screwed it up and happy to have "real Christmas" with me, and I say "I know babies" and then we snuggle on the couch together (I have two teenaged daughters).

Really the only thing he was providing me that I'm not getting now is sex, and that will be easy to find when I'm ready. And despite his high income he's a black hole of mysterious spending and is always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I am saving so much money each month.

I'm not just eating bon bons and spending all my money on hats. I'm doing all the parenting. And I'm still grieving in a lot of ways. I'm still sad that the person I had kids with is just gone. He would have been heartbroken to know how he was going to ruin his relationship with his kids.

But I'm glad that they are seeing toxic and dysfunctional behavior for what it is. I'm not whitewashing his sins any more. He's standing (well, falling on his arse) on his own.

$10k/month and assets worth couple of millions I think you are okay. In most cases divorce is not a bad deal for women. The courts will lobby for them so they come out financially ahead,

Yeah, if I'd known how it would turn out, I hope I would have prioritized my own well-being and left myself. I don't blame myself - we do our best with what we know at the time. And survival instincts are powerful stuff. But I should have had at least realized how unhealthy and unfair my marriage was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Context matters. It's one thing if you're pulling long surgical shifts, but another if you're going to every conference, sports event, concert, and happy hour thrown your way. And if all you offer is a paycheck, husband or ex-husband, what's the difference, really?

Ha, I'm the poster girl for this. My ex did workouts and coffee with friends every single morning, happy hours and concerts most nights of the week, solo trips and guys' trips and festivals every weekend. (I honestly think he has some kind of dopamine deficit issue.)

A year and a half ago he suddenly walked out on me for another woman. I was devastated and confused, and scared, as a SAHM with a chronic illness. Thankfully, he felt guilty, I guess. And now I get $10k/month for life, plus I have assets worth a couple million. A friend actually had to say to me . . . "Wait, so you don't have to deal with a man, and you don't have to worry about money, this sounds . . . amazing?" And I was like, oh yeah, sniffle, you think so?

But as I've peeled back the layers on all the overfunctioning and shit-sandwich-eating I was doing, I cannot believe how much I have lucked out. Today I actually had a conversation with my mother about his affair-partner-turned-girlfriend in which I said, "I mean, no one should do these things for another adult. She shouldn't have to do these things for him. But it's better for my children that someone is doing them. And I am so glad it's not me." She said, "Yes, I think he needs someone to take care of him." I said, "No, he needs to stop drinking. Then he could take care of himself."

We have 60/40 custody and I cannot believe how much more free time I have (since I started with zero). 40% of my nights free is so many nights! And just doing my laundry and the kids is so much easier. Buying Christmas presents just from me instead of from "Mommy and Daddy" . . . everything is so easy. And then they come back from Christmas crying about how he screwed it up and happy to have "real Christmas" with me, and I say "I know babies" and then we snuggle on the couch together (I have two teenaged daughters).

Really the only thing he was providing me that I'm not getting now is sex, and that will be easy to find when I'm ready. And despite his high income he's a black hole of mysterious spending and is always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I am saving so much money each month.

I'm not just eating bon bons and spending all my money on hats. I'm doing all the parenting. And I'm still grieving in a lot of ways. I'm still sad that the person I had kids with is just gone. He would have been heartbroken to know how he was going to ruin his relationship with his kids.

But I'm glad that they are seeing toxic and dysfunctional behavior for what it is. I'm not whitewashing his sins any more. He's standing (well, falling on his arse) on his own.

$10k/month and assets worth couple of millions I think you are okay. In most cases divorce is not a bad deal for women. The courts will lobby for them so they come out financially ahead,

Yeah, if I'd known how it would turn out, I hope I would have prioritized my own well-being and left myself. I don't blame myself - we do our best with what we know at the time. And survival instincts are powerful stuff. But I should have had at least realized how unhealthy and unfair my marriage was.

Did you get alimony through court or he agreed? And could you share his income/state?