Two spouses: a play

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

Candy and $67 of makeup! Buy it daddy!

Is your husband incapable of using his brain? Or are you just the obnoxious controlling type who complains they have to do everything but anytime someone tries to take over, you complain that what they are doing isn't right. Most dads would know not to buy $67 of makeup for a gift. It may not be exactly what you would have bought...but that's ok.

Exactly. But that's what this is about it's not about dad not doing anything or kid not being capable it's about mom not liking it and mom being in competition with other moms and trying to outdo each other and then complaining about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

I don’t think you actually have elementary schoolers. Or that you are responsible for them anyway.
The only thing most elementary schoolers could do on the OP’s list without any help is make the cookies. And that’s the only thing you outsourced.

Maybe your elementary schoolers are a little slow? Mine know their colors. If I asked my daughter to get her green shirt, she would do so. If I remind my 4th grader to get her red dress, she'd go get it.

You're missing the point entirely. The husband isn't the issue here. The OP's inability to communicate and play the martyr is.

My kid never has the color of shirt they need. We don't have clothes in every color of the rainbow at all times (maybe we should, but that would of course be a task that would fall to me, isn't it? and then everyone would make fun of me for being the OCD mom who overplays I'm guessing). She'll have a red dress but it turns out it's two sizes too small.

Like it is bizarre you are assuming that OP's kids already had all the items they needed for these performances -- the entire reason OP is annoyed is because obviously they didn't already have them, or what they had didn't fit, and she had to put effort into helping to buy or borrow items in order to fulfill the requirement. And it was OP who figured out they didn't have that stuff, and did it far enough in advance that they could order things online or go pick something up in a store without having to scramble the night before.

Same with the kid's gift. Yes, children can pick out a birthday gift for a friend. But the act of taking that kid shopping or being organized enough to sit down at a computer with the kid to select something online far enough in advance to get it in time, is work. Also if the kid suggests a gift that costs too much, or the thing they pick is sold out, you have to work through that with them because an 7 year old is not going to just know that Lego Set A is a more appropriate gift than Lego Set B. You have to teach them. And then the gift need to be wrapped and you have to remember to bring it. And no, most elementary age kids cannot do all that independently without quite a bit of handholding from a parent. They aren't slow, they are children.

Is your husband really so incompetent that he can't do these things? Or do you just assume he is? In our house, if DC doesn't ask Dad on their own, I can simply tell them to and DH handles it with no issues.

What is frustrating is that no, of course most men are capable of looking in a dresser, seeing there's no green shirt, and buying a green shirt. That is not a complicated or difficult activity. And YET, a shocking number of dads will act as thought this activity is beyond them. They will say they will do it but then procrastinate, because they have learned that if they put off tasks until the last possible minute, their wives will panic and do it for them rather than disappoint their kids. Or they'll half ass it and do it wrong (they buy a green shirt but it's two sizes too big and comes down to their kid's knees and the kid looks ridiculous and feels even worse) which will lead their wives not to ask at all the next time.

If you have a husband who doesn't pull this crap, congrats. And don't give me that "was he like this before you married him" crap because no, he wasn't. Because we didn't have kids. It started with kids, it often does. I only have one kid because it started when she was an infant and he'd let her sit in her own $hit for hours and claim he didn't smell that the diaper was dirty. Or I'd ask him to get the baby dressed before we left the house and he'd put her in a sleeveless onesie in January. It is weaponized incompetence and many of these men learned it from their fathers and it doesn't emerge until the kids are on the scene because they don't actually mind doing responsible things for themselves, they just do not want to caretake and find ways to get out of it.

Many men are like this, because there are no real social consequences for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

Candy and $67 of makeup! Buy it daddy!

Is your husband incapable of using his brain?

Or are you just the obnoxious controlling type who complains they have to do everything but anytime someone tries to take over, you complain that what they are doing isn't right.

Most dads would know not to buy $67 of makeup for a gift. It may not be exactly what you would have bought...but that's ok.

So ma’am what would you say to him once the above happened? Anything?

What would you say to him the 20th time it happened a year? Anything?

I've never had to say anything because DH is a capable adult. The problem here isn't the "mental load" or whatever. The problem here is your husband is an idiot if he thinks $70 of make up is an appropriate birthday gift.

Correct, he’s an “idiot.”

What’s your next move? Divorce? Coddle him? Sleep with time more? Try to house train him?


Wanna guess why he’s an “idiot”? This is the heart of OP’s post.

Well, if you follow the OP and anything in the press, it’s because he’s lazy, misogynistic, incompetent, self-centered, doesn’t care about anyone else, not parent material, or all of the above.

It probably is all the above. But that's not a one off thing. Her husband suddenly became a self centered idiot after kids? Doubtful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

WTF so they can say "what" but they can't actually shop and by it. Obviously. So more work for you.

Oh FFS, are you completely helpless?

"What do you want to get Simon for his birthday, Larlo?"

"Groot Legos!"

<Internet search, find Marvel Dancing Groot Lego for $35.99 on Amazon. Click "buy now.">

Damn, I'm never getting that minute of my life back. And now I'm so mentally exhausted I need a nap.

Jesus. You pathetic women.

If it’s so easy, why didn’t dad do it?

Because mom would criticize HOW he did it, in all likelihood.

So what? It's dad choice if he wants to let the criticism impact him. He doesn't have to listen to it.

Dads like that don’t give two F’s so criticizing his poor judgment or age inappropriateness or lack of safety with the kids just rolls down the narc’s back and fuels his need for control via stonewalling.

The reason moms criticize in that situation is because she is the one who will be blamed if Larlo shows up to the concert in the wrong outfit or the gift purchased for the birthday party is totally inappropriate. Every time. People will KNOW that dad was the one who got Larlo ready for the concert or bought the inappropriate gift, but they will only judge the mom for failing to do it herself or failing to appropriately supervises her husband (everyone knows men are helpless and can't be expected to do basic things like buy kid's birthday gifts or get kids ready for a holiday concert, who does mom think she is just delegating that task and not following up to make sure it was done correctly).

Thus dads continue to shirk responsibility or half ass parenting tasks, because the only person who will ever criticize them for it is their nagging wife, and women wind up doing everything because it's usually easier to just do it yourself than to delegate the task, watch your DH fail at it, and then STILL be the one getting the scolding email from the teacher or the exasperated look from the birthday boy's parents, while DH is impervious to it because it's not directed at him. No one expects him to be a competent parent.

Nope.

Everyone knows it’s the damn ass Dad.

When Dad shows up to a volleyball game with a a 10 yo who smashes her knee open we all know it’s Dads fault. Not the mom who was at the choir audition with the other kid.

When Dad shows up to the bday party and hangs his 6 yo from a 12’ warped wall and she falls and fractures her legs, we all know it’s the Dads fault. Not the mom who was elsewhere with the other kid.

When Dad goes to playground and doodles around with the drone whilst his 7 yo goes too fast down a big hill she’s not supposed to be on, and busts her chest falling over and onto the handle bars, we all know it’s the dads fault. Not the mom who was doing laundry in the house at 8am.

When dad drops off the kid and they are in their correct uniform, we all k ow it’s the dad’s fault.

When mom’s in a biz trip and the kid doesn’t bring a lunch to the field trip, we all know it’s the dad’s fault.

When dad lets an 8 yo buy a bunch of trash from Amazon for a bday present, we all know it’s the dad’s fault.

When dad forgets to sign up for swim lessons at 8am despite multiple verbal, digital and written reminders and the kid get shut out, we all know it’s the dads fault.

We also know the dad is a failure as a parent. And feel sorry for the kids and mother. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

Candy and $67 of makeup! Buy it daddy!

Is your husband incapable of using his brain?

Or are you just the obnoxious controlling type who complains they have to do everything but anytime someone tries to take over, you complain that what they are doing isn't right.

Most dads would know not to buy $67 of makeup for a gift. It may not be exactly what you would have bought...but that's ok.

So ma’am what would you say to him once the above happened? Anything?

What would you say to him the 20th time it happened a year? Anything?

I've never had to say anything because DH is a capable adult. The problem here isn't the "mental load" or whatever. The problem here is your husband is an idiot if he thinks $70 of make up is an appropriate birthday gift.

Correct, he’s an “idiot.”

What’s your next move? Divorce? Coddle him? Sleep with time more? Try to house train him?


Wanna guess why he’s an “idiot”? This is the heart of OP’s post.

Well, if you follow the OP and anything in the press, it’s because he’s lazy, misogynistic, incompetent, self-centered, doesn’t care about anyone else, not parent material, or all of the above.

It probably is all the above. But that's not a one off thing. Her husband suddenly became a self centered idiot after kids? Doubtful

Can’t handle adult & family responsibilities, so shuts down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Lol, right? That person’s kids also buy their own clothes.
They can’t bake cookies though…

By the time they are 13 they are buying their own clothes. They have a budget and if they want to do in store shopping they tell us if they want a ride


Younger kids are capable of being told go to your room and get a red sweater or a green shirt

You just think you have all the answers! But oops! No red dress. Or that green shirt from last year is now 2 sizes too small. What now super mom?

Then either their dad or I buy one or take them to buy it. You do have to do somethings for kids because they are kids. Were you under the impression that you birth them and then magically stuff just happens for 18 years?

Maybe you just have undiagnosed ADHD so basic things are very challenging for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

I don’t think you actually have elementary schoolers. Or that you are responsible for them anyway.
The only thing most elementary schoolers could do on the OP’s list without any help is make the cookies. And that’s the only thing you outsourced.

Maybe your elementary schoolers are a little slow? Mine know their colors. If I asked my daughter to get her green shirt, she would do so. If I remind my 4th grader to get her red dress, she'd go get it.

You're missing the point entirely. The husband isn't the issue here. The OP's inability to communicate and play the martyr is.

My kid never has the color of shirt they need. We don't have clothes in every color of the rainbow at all times (maybe we should, but that would of course be a task that would fall to me, isn't it? and then everyone would make fun of me for being the OCD mom who overplays I'm guessing). She'll have a red dress but it turns out it's two sizes too small.

Like it is bizarre you are assuming that OP's kids already had all the items they needed for these performances -- the entire reason OP is annoyed is because obviously they didn't already have them, or what they had didn't fit, and she had to put effort into helping to buy or borrow items in order to fulfill the requirement. And it was OP who figured out they didn't have that stuff, and did it far enough in advance that they could order things online or go pick something up in a store without having to scramble the night before.

Same with the kid's gift. Yes, children can pick out a birthday gift for a friend. But the act of taking that kid shopping or being organized enough to sit down at a computer with the kid to select something online far enough in advance to get it in time, is work. Also if the kid suggests a gift that costs too much, or the thing they pick is sold out, you have to work through that with them because an 7 year old is not going to just know that Lego Set A is a more appropriate gift than Lego Set B. You have to teach them. And then the gift need to be wrapped and you have to remember to bring it. And no, most elementary age kids cannot do all that independently without quite a bit of handholding from a parent. They aren't slow, they are children.

Is your husband really so incompetent that he can't do these things? Or do you just assume he is? In our house, if DC doesn't ask Dad on their own, I can simply tell them to and DH handles it with no issues.

What is frustrating is that no, of course most men are capable of looking in a dresser, seeing there's no green shirt, and buying a green shirt. That is not a complicated or difficult activity. And YET, a shocking number of dads will act as thought this activity is beyond them. They will say they will do it but then procrastinate, because they have learned that if they put off tasks until the last possible minute, their wives will panic and do it for them rather than disappoint their kids. Or they'll half ass it and do it wrong (they buy a green shirt but it's two sizes too big and comes down to their kid's knees and the kid looks ridiculous and feels even worse) which will lead their wives not to ask at all the next time.

If you have a husband who doesn't pull this crap, congrats. And don't give me that "was he like this before you married him" crap because no, he wasn't. Because we didn't have kids. It started with kids, it often does. I only have one kid because it started when she was an infant and he'd let her sit in her own $hit for hours and claim he didn't smell that the diaper was dirty. Or I'd ask him to get the baby dressed before we left the house and he'd put her in a sleeveless onesie in January. It is weaponized incompetence and many of these men learned it from their fathers and it doesn't emerge until the kids are on the scene because they don't actually mind doing responsible things for themselves, they just do not want to caretake and find ways to get out of it.

Many men are like this, because there are no real social consequences for it.

So he was super involved before kids? Helped around the house? Cooked? Took care of household issues and repairs? Took responsibility for gifts ? I have a hard time believing guys like this were so helpful and involved right up until the second a kid was born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

I don’t think you actually have elementary schoolers. Or that you are responsible for them anyway.
The only thing most elementary schoolers could do on the OP’s list without any help is make the cookies. And that’s the only thing you outsourced.

Maybe your elementary schoolers are a little slow? Mine know their colors. If I asked my daughter to get her green shirt, she would do so. If I remind my 4th grader to get her red dress, she'd go get it.

You're missing the point entirely. The husband isn't the issue here. The OP's inability to communicate and play the martyr is.

My kid never has the color of shirt they need. We don't have clothes in every color of the rainbow at all times (maybe we should, but that would of course be a task that would fall to me, isn't it? and then everyone would make fun of me for being the OCD mom who overplays I'm guessing). She'll have a red dress but it turns out it's two sizes too small.

Like it is bizarre you are assuming that OP's kids already had all the items they needed for these performances -- the entire reason OP is annoyed is because obviously they didn't already have them, or what they had didn't fit, and she had to put effort into helping to buy or borrow items in order to fulfill the requirement. And it was OP who figured out they didn't have that stuff, and did it far enough in advance that they could order things online or go pick something up in a store without having to scramble the night before.

Same with the kid's gift. Yes, children can pick out a birthday gift for a friend. But the act of taking that kid shopping or being organized enough to sit down at a computer with the kid to select something online far enough in advance to get it in time, is work. Also if the kid suggests a gift that costs too much, or the thing they pick is sold out, you have to work through that with them because an 7 year old is not going to just know that Lego Set A is a more appropriate gift than Lego Set B. You have to teach them. And then the gift need to be wrapped and you have to remember to bring it. And no, most elementary age kids cannot do all that independently without quite a bit of handholding from a parent. They aren't slow, they are children.

Is your husband really so incompetent that he can't do these things? Or do you just assume he is? In our house, if DC doesn't ask Dad on their own, I can simply tell them to and DH handles it with no issues.

What is frustrating is that no, of course most men are capable of looking in a dresser, seeing there's no green shirt, and buying a green shirt. That is not a complicated or difficult activity. And YET, a shocking number of dads will act as thought this activity is beyond them. They will say they will do it but then procrastinate, because they have learned that if they put off tasks until the last possible minute, their wives will panic and do it for them rather than disappoint their kids. Or they'll half ass it and do it wrong (they buy a green shirt but it's two sizes too big and comes down to their kid's knees and the kid looks ridiculous and feels even worse) which will lead their wives not to ask at all the next time.

If you have a husband who doesn't pull this crap, congrats. And don't give me that "was he like this before you married him" crap because no, he wasn't. Because we didn't have kids. It started with kids, it often does. I only have one kid because it started when she was an infant and he'd let her sit in her own $hit for hours and claim he didn't smell that the diaper was dirty. Or I'd ask him to get the baby dressed before we left the house and he'd put her in a sleeveless onesie in January. It is weaponized incompetence and many of these men learned it from their fathers and it doesn't emerge until the kids are on the scene because they don't actually mind doing responsible things for themselves, they just do not want to caretake and find ways to get out of it.

Many men are like this, because there are no real social consequences for it.

+1

No consequences in family court either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

Candy and $67 of makeup! Buy it daddy!

Is your husband incapable of using his brain?

Or are you just the obnoxious controlling type who complains they have to do everything but anytime someone tries to take over, you complain that what they are doing isn't right.

Most dads would know not to buy $67 of makeup for a gift. It may not be exactly what you would have bought...but that's ok.

So ma’am what would you say to him once the above happened? Anything?

What would you say to him the 20th time it happened a year? Anything?

I've never had to say anything because DH is a capable adult. The problem here isn't the "mental load" or whatever. The problem here is your husband is an idiot if he thinks $70 of make up is an appropriate birthday gift.

Correct, he’s an “idiot.”

What’s your next move? Divorce? Coddle him? Sleep with time more? Try to house train him?


Wanna guess why he’s an “idiot”? This is the heart of OP’s post.

Well, if you follow the OP and anything in the press, it’s because he’s lazy, misogynistic, incompetent, self-centered, doesn’t care about anyone else, not parent material, or all of the above.

It probably is all the above. But that's not a one off thing. Her husband suddenly became a self centered idiot after kids? Doubtful

You must be in your 20s or someone in their 70s in total denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I’m the actual poster that described the Monday request for a red dress on a Thursday. With respect to consequences, it depends. And I often opt out of this stuff entirely, because I don’t care about this kind of nonsense. My kid jokes with me about not being one of “those kinds of moms”, because I don’t care about this crap. My parenting style would probably be considered more paternal than maternal with respect to this stuff. I do ask her to tell me when participation in this kind of stuff is really important to her and sometimes it is. I try to accommodate that since she often doesn’t care about spirit day type stuff. It still adds up as an overall burden.

But sometimes there are consequences. For example, in 7th grade, my daughter was going on a field trip for Model UN (in Spanish since she is in immersion). We had an outfit picked, but the teacher told them on the Monday that there were very specific dress code requirements that had to be met by Thursday or they would get 10 points off their grade. We didn’t have anything in the house to meet this requirement and my daughter cares a lot about her grades so this involved a last minute panicked trip to the mall to find a freaking pantsuit for a 13 year old girl. I was pretty pissed about this one.

I will say that Spanish immersion does seem to be particularly prone to this. The teachers seem to be a lot more strict about grade point losses for not meeting a particular dress code. But I’ve seen it with choir, etc.

10 points off a grade is a consequence. And your daughter not wanting to lose 10 points matters.

How much this matters depends on the specifics and context. If the other spouse is maxed out on "needs", the panicked trip is what it is. Hopefully your spouse helped appeal this with the teachers boss.

Yes this is a systemic issue and the teacher was out of line here and it should have been addressed.

But Monday to Thursday is enough time to find an outfit.

[Anonymous]

I think the thing that’s difficult about these types of asks is 1) there is often not a lot of notice so there’s a bit of a scramble if you don’t have a green shirt (have to not only buy one but buy one that will arrive on time which limits the options) and 2) these things are on top of the million things you have to do already and they tend to cluster around busy times of the year. My husband works more than I do so I don’t mind doing *more* of this stuff but I don’t appreciate having to *always* be the one who finds time to do the extra things.

I try and do what I can to keep the day to day stuff reasonable so I can add on these extra things without being flustered. But it means things like celebrating my kid’s December birthday in January and not doing some of the magic making for Christmas that some people are able to do (it’s also the busy season at my work). And even still it’s sometimes a lot and I wish I didn’t have to be up ordering a shirt once the kids are finally asleep. I can only imagine how nice it would be if when that random email came in I didn’t even think about it and knew my DH would take care of it. I can’t do that because he just won’t if he feels too busy. He is ok disappointing the kids in a way I am not. I have tried it enough times to know that.

And the Greek chorus of “it’s your fault because you knew what he was doing like when you married him” can just shut up because no I didn’t. We both worked all the time, and I had multiple periods of having a more challenging workload and we just powered through kind of surviving. Someone had to change when we had kids but I changed a whole heck of a lot more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

You nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the thing that’s difficult about these types of asks is 1) there is often not a lot of notice so there’s a bit of a scramble if you don’t have a green shirt (have to not only buy one but buy one that will arrive on time which limits the options) and 2) these things are on top of the million things you have to do already and they tend to cluster around busy times of the year. My husband works more than I do so I don’t mind doing *more* of this stuff but I don’t appreciate having to *always* be the one who finds time to do the extra things.

I try and do what I can to keep the day to day stuff reasonable so I can add on these extra things without being flustered. But it means things like celebrating my kid’s December birthday in January and not doing some of the magic making for Christmas that some people are able to do (it’s also the busy season at my work). And even still it’s sometimes a lot and I wish I didn’t have to be up ordering a shirt once the kids are finally asleep. I can only imagine how nice it would be if when that random email came in I didn’t even think about it and knew my DH would take care of it. I can’t do that because he just won’t if he feels too busy. He is ok disappointing the kids in a way I am not. I have tried it enough times to know that.

And the Greek chorus of “it’s your fault because you knew what he was doing like when you married him” can just shut up because no I didn’t. We both worked all the time, and I had multiple periods of having a more challenging workload and we just powered through kind of surviving. Someone had to change when we had kids but I changed a whole heck of a lot more.

You have multiple children? Your spouse was co-equal with one child, but not more?

What was the family planning discussion like when you discussed having more than one child, where he was a co-equal parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

I don’t think you actually have elementary schoolers. Or that you are responsible for them anyway.
The only thing most elementary schoolers could do on the OP’s list without any help is make the cookies. And that’s the only thing you outsourced.

Maybe your elementary schoolers are a little slow? Mine know their colors. If I asked my daughter to get her green shirt, she would do so. If I remind my 4th grader to get her red dress, she'd go get it.

You're missing the point entirely. The husband isn't the issue here. The OP's inability to communicate and play the martyr is.

My kid never has the color of shirt they need. We don't have clothes in every color of the rainbow at all times (maybe we should, but that would of course be a task that would fall to me, isn't it? and then everyone would make fun of me for being the OCD mom who overplays I'm guessing). She'll have a red dress but it turns out it's two sizes too small.

Like it is bizarre you are assuming that OP's kids already had all the items they needed for these performances -- the entire reason OP is annoyed is because obviously they didn't already have them, or what they had didn't fit, and she had to put effort into helping to buy or borrow items in order to fulfill the requirement. And it was OP who figured out they didn't have that stuff, and did it far enough in advance that they could order things online or go pick something up in a store without having to scramble the night before.

Same with the kid's gift. Yes, children can pick out a birthday gift for a friend. But the act of taking that kid shopping or being organized enough to sit down at a computer with the kid to select something online far enough in advance to get it in time, is work. Also if the kid suggests a gift that costs too much, or the thing they pick is sold out, you have to work through that with them because an 7 year old is not going to just know that Lego Set A is a more appropriate gift than Lego Set B. You have to teach them. And then the gift need to be wrapped and you have to remember to bring it. And no, most elementary age kids cannot do all that independently without quite a bit of handholding from a parent. They aren't slow, they are children.

Is your husband really so incompetent that he can't do these things? Or do you just assume he is? In our house, if DC doesn't ask Dad on their own, I can simply tell them to and DH handles it with no issues.

What is frustrating is that no, of course most men are capable of looking in a dresser, seeing there's no green shirt, and buying a green shirt. That is not a complicated or difficult activity. And YET, a shocking number of dads will act as thought this activity is beyond them. They will say they will do it but then procrastinate, because they have learned that if they put off tasks until the last possible minute, their wives will panic and do it for them rather than disappoint their kids. Or they'll half ass it and do it wrong (they buy a green shirt but it's two sizes too big and comes down to their kid's knees and the kid looks ridiculous and feels even worse) which will lead their wives not to ask at all the next time.

If you have a husband who doesn't pull this crap, congrats. And don't give me that "was he like this before you married him" crap because no, he wasn't. Because we didn't have kids. It started with kids, it often does. I only have one kid because it started when she was an infant and he'd let her sit in her own $hit for hours and claim he didn't smell that the diaper was dirty. Or I'd ask him to get the baby dressed before we left the house and he'd put her in a sleeveless onesie in January. It is weaponized incompetence and many of these men learned it from their fathers and it doesn't emerge until the kids are on the scene because they don't actually mind doing responsible things for themselves, they just do not want to caretake and find ways to get out of it.

Many men are like this, because there are no real social consequences for it.

So he was super involved before kids? Helped around the house? Cooked? Took care of household issues and repairs? Took responsibility for gifts ? I have a hard time believing guys like this were so helpful and involved right up until the second a kid was born.

+.5

This is not always the case but it is true.

Many women who want to start a family and have children will overlook red flags, yellow flags, and settle for faulty spouses who cannot parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

Sounds like the school. ( except for the birthday party)