Two spouses: a play

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

I don’t think you actually have elementary schoolers. Or that you are responsible for them anyway.
The only thing most elementary schoolers could do on the OP’s list without any help is make the cookies. And that’s the only thing you outsourced.

Maybe your elementary schoolers are a little slow? Mine know their colors. If I asked my daughter to get her green shirt, she would do so. If I remind my 4th grader to get her red dress, she'd go get it.

You're missing the point entirely. The husband isn't the issue here. The OP's inability to communicate and play the martyr is.

Are you really this dumb or are you being purposefully obtuse? The point is that not everyone already has a green shirt or a red dress. Neither of my daughters has either of those things - they aren't colors they like to wear. So yeah, my kids can pick out the green shirt from the closet if it's there, but they can't drive themselves to the mall to purchase one if it's not.

Why is a red dress necessary for caroling?

How would wearing an existing article of clothing prevent the caroling?

And does this child even want to sing to old people?

You're using strawmen here.

That's not what a strawman is.

And the PP raises a good point. OP is all bent out of shape that her DH isn't helping with something that is not all that important. They can teach the kid not to care about stupid stuff like that. Or if it is so important to OP to go along with the dumb thing from the school, she can do it herself. But why should her priorities control?

R u kidding?

Most of life with kids the dad just shows up at the final thing, with no effort or aid or care of any of the steps leading up to it. Vacations, concerts, holidays, training, college apps, therapies, teen relationships, funerals, weddings, games or meets, graduations, parties, update letters, health treatments, big item purchases even.

They literally do nothing but focus on themselves or work, then show up to pretend they were part of something they had nothing to do with.

In OP’s three examples it was some concert, school field trip, and what not. She probably has 100 more examples as well.

Maybe with your loser DH, but not in my household, and not with families in my social circle. Sorry that you picked a loser, and maybe OP did too (although hard to tell from her lame examples), but if your DH is missing all of that, you shouldn't have married him, and you surely shouldn't have had kids with him.

+1000

What that OP is not copping to is that there is some cultural or religious aspect at play that causes so much dissatisfaction in her marriage but she is obligated to stay in it. That's not how must American women go about their relationships which is why her complaints and generlizations about men are missing their mark and not resonating.

Once kids are involved and be parent is revealed as totally dysfunctional, you are quite stuck. Only bad options. Nothing cultural about it. The white people gray divorce stats support this.

Revealed? As if there was no way of knowing? Perhaps actually dating a spouse for several years or seasons would have helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

I don’t think you actually have elementary schoolers. Or that you are responsible for them anyway.
The only thing most elementary schoolers could do on the OP’s list without any help is make the cookies. And that’s the only thing you outsourced.

Maybe your elementary schoolers are a little slow? Mine know their colors. If I asked my daughter to get her green shirt, she would do so. If I remind my 4th grader to get her red dress, she'd go get it.

You're missing the point entirely. The husband isn't the issue here. The OP's inability to communicate and play the martyr is.

Are you really this dumb or are you being purposefully obtuse? The point is that not everyone already has a green shirt or a red dress. Neither of my daughters has either of those things - they aren't colors they like to wear. So yeah, my kids can pick out the green shirt from the closet if it's there, but they can't drive themselves to the mall to purchase one if it's not.

Why is a red dress necessary for caroling?

How would wearing an existing article of clothing prevent the caroling?

And does this child even want to sing to old people?

You're using strawmen here.

That's not what a strawman is.

And the PP raises a good point. OP is all bent out of shape that her DH isn't helping with something that is not all that important. They can teach the kid not to care about stupid stuff like that. Or if it is so important to OP to go along with the dumb thing from the school, she can do it herself. But why should her priorities control?

R u kidding?

Most of life with kids the dad just shows up at the final thing, with no effort or aid or care of any of the steps leading up to it. Vacations, concerts, holidays, training, college apps, therapies, teen relationships, funerals, weddings, games or meets, graduations, parties, update letters, health treatments, big item purchases even.

They literally do nothing but focus on themselves or work, then show up to pretend they were part of something they had nothing to do with.

In OP’s three examples it was some concert, school field trip, and what not. She probably has 100 more examples as well.

Maybe with your loser DH, but not in my household, and not with families in my social circle. Sorry that you picked a loser, and maybe OP did too (although hard to tell from her lame examples), but if your DH is missing all of that, you shouldn't have married him, and you surely shouldn't have had kids with him.

+1000

What that OP is not copping to is that there is some cultural or religious aspect at play that causes so much dissatisfaction in her marriage but she is obligated to stay in it. That's not how must American women go about their relationships which is why her complaints and generlizations about men are missing their mark and not resonating.

Once kids are involved and be parent is revealed as totally dysfunctional, you are quite stuck. Only bad options. Nothing cultural about it. The white people gray divorce stats support this.

Revealed? As if there was no way of knowing? Perhaps actually dating a spouse for several years or seasons would have helped.

How does dating a single guy in a rental for more years help one see how he’d be in his 40s with kids, a house and yard, a senior level job, a wife who works and two sets of aging parents?

Maybe spending more time with his parents and seeing and asking about their respective roles, responsibilities and values over time miiiiiiight help.

But really it’s up to the dude to out the effort in and adapt to a less simple and more demanding life. And not check out or be a freeloader jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

School

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'll bet this guy who isn't involved in the details also never planned a date, vacation, didn't do much wedding planning, or anything else the hapless fiancee might have noticed much earlier in the relationship. Then 3 kids later she decides he's kind of a dud. The writing was on the wall.

Most people I know in this situation, this is exactly the case.

Not all. Most.

Weddings are planned by the brides family and often the grooms family. It is not an exercise in How the Dude Cares or Planning Skills, unless he really takes charge of a few areas and knocks it out of the park - like finds the best band available or a cool outing the day before or knows wine cases to buy or loves making invitationsz

Most dud guy marriages we see are a guy with. Job who masked jsut enough to get married, whilst saying all the right things but not having any examples. Yes I want kids, yes I want a hisue and yard, yes I want you. Then it happened and Poof, he retreated into seclusion and shutdown mode. All he could handle was showtime at work.

Weddings are planned by couples not their parents. If your parents plan it you were probably too young to marry in the first place.

Wrong. Usually the wedding is in the hometown where the brides parents live so they inevitably are able vet the cakes, food, bands, photographers, florists, hotels more easily than flying in a bunch of times.

Our engagement party and wedding spanned three countries so yeah, both sides helped with planning, and a bit with funding. We were 32 yo.

We we 35 and our parents had nothing to do with the planning including paying for the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

School

School organized the Thursday morning holiday performance. The caroling and birthday party are not school organized events.

Believing the school organized all these events is absurd, and these responses add to the possibility that OP too is creating unnecessary work for herself based on absurdities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

School

School organized the Thursday morning holiday performance. The caroling and birthday party are not school organized events.

Believing the school organized all these events is absurd, and these responses add to the possibility that OP too is creating unnecessary work for herself based on absurdities.

+1.

The kid needs to change schools. This is what happens when you go to a school you cannot afford. I bet the school does this because most of the parents have either a stay at home parent or a full time nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

School

Yep. School (PTA) is responsible for so much of these useless events, scheduling days that the kids have to wear some random outfit to school, involving families in setting up things for teachers that most of them won’t even like, etc.

It’s the consequence of living in UMC neighborhoods where educated mothers decided to stay at home and then need to fill their time with these pointless activities in order to feel useful.

Meanwhile many of us just don’t have time for this stuff because we never left the workforce, but we have to participate because we don’t want our kid to be left out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

I don’t think you actually have elementary schoolers. Or that you are responsible for them anyway.
The only thing most elementary schoolers could do on the OP’s list without any help is make the cookies. And that’s the only thing you outsourced.

Maybe your elementary schoolers are a little slow? Mine know their colors. If I asked my daughter to get her green shirt, she would do so. If I remind my 4th grader to get her red dress, she'd go get it.

You're missing the point entirely. The husband isn't the issue here. The OP's inability to communicate and play the martyr is.

Are you really this dumb or are you being purposefully obtuse? The point is that not everyone already has a green shirt or a red dress. Neither of my daughters has either of those things - they aren't colors they like to wear. So yeah, my kids can pick out the green shirt from the closet if it's there, but they can't drive themselves to the mall to purchase one if it's not.

Why is a red dress necessary for caroling?

How would wearing an existing article of clothing prevent the caroling?

And does this child even want to sing to old people?

You're using strawmen here.

That's not what a strawman is.

And the PP raises a good point. OP is all bent out of shape that her DH isn't helping with something that is not all that important. They can teach the kid not to care about stupid stuff like that. Or if it is so important to OP to go along with the dumb thing from the school, she can do it herself. But why should her priorities control?

R u kidding?

Most of life with kids the dad just shows up at the final thing, with no effort or aid or care of any of the steps leading up to it. Vacations, concerts, holidays, training, college apps, therapies, teen relationships, funerals, weddings, games or meets, graduations, parties, update letters, health treatments, big item purchases even.

They literally do nothing but focus on themselves or work, then show up to pretend they were part of something they had nothing to do with.

In OP’s three examples it was some concert, school field trip, and what not. She probably has 100 more examples as well.

Maybe with your loser DH, but not in my household, and not with families in my social circle. Sorry that you picked a loser, and maybe OP did too (although hard to tell from her lame examples), but if your DH is missing all of that, you shouldn't have married him, and you surely shouldn't have had kids with him.

+1000

What that OP is not copping to is that there is some cultural or religious aspect at play that causes so much dissatisfaction in her marriage but she is obligated to stay in it. That's not how must American women go about their relationships which is why her complaints and generlizations about men are missing their mark and not resonating.

Once kids are involved and be parent is revealed as totally dysfunctional, you are quite stuck. Only bad options. Nothing cultural about it. The white people gray divorce stats support this.

Revealed? As if there was no way of knowing? Perhaps actually dating a spouse for several years or seasons would have helped.

How does dating a single guy in a rental for more years help one see how he’d be in his 40s with kids, a house and yard, a senior level job, a wife who works and two sets of aging parents?

Maybe spending more time with his parents and seeing and asking about their respective roles, responsibilities and values over time miiiiiiight help.

But really it’s up to the dude to out the effort in and adapt to a less simple and more demanding life. And not check out or be a freeloader jerk.

Maybe move in together? How long did you actually date your husband before getting married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

School

School organized the Thursday morning holiday performance. The caroling and birthday party are not school organized events.

Believing the school organized all these events is absurd, and these responses add to the possibility that OP too is creating unnecessary work for herself based on absurdities.

Going to the Girl Scout old people caroling, or church, or whatever, is by definition an extra curricular activity. If they don't have the time for these things they need to stop signing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

School

School organized the Thursday morning holiday performance. The caroling and birthday party are not school organized events.

Believing the school organized all these events is absurd, and these responses add to the possibility that OP too is creating unnecessary work for herself based on absurdities.

+1.

The kid needs to change schools. This is what happens when you go to a school you cannot afford. I bet the school does this because most of the parents have either a stay at home parent or a full time nanny.

This would require significant resources from OP.

OP is struggling with cookies, dresses, and a birthday gift. Let's start with the cookies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

School

School organized the Thursday morning holiday performance. The caroling and birthday party are not school organized events.

Believing the school organized all these events is absurd, and these responses add to the possibility that OP too is creating unnecessary work for herself based on absurdities.

+1.

The kid needs to change schools. This is what happens when you go to a school you cannot afford. I bet the school does this because most of the parents have either a stay at home parent or a full time nanny.

This would require significant resources from OP.

OP is struggling with cookies, dresses, and a birthday gift. Let's start with the cookies.

Nah. In boundary public school should be pretty straightforward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

School

School organized the Thursday morning holiday performance. The caroling and birthday party are not school organized events.

Believing the school organized all these events is absurd, and these responses add to the possibility that OP too is creating unnecessary work for herself based on absurdities.

+1.

The kid needs to change schools. This is what happens when you go to a school you cannot afford. I bet the school does this because most of the parents have either a stay at home parent or a full time nanny.

This would require significant resources from OP.

OP is struggling with cookies, dresses, and a birthday gift. Let's start with the cookies.

Nah. In boundary public school should be pretty straightforward.

If you cookie preparation is more difficult than changing schools, you need to simplify your cookie preparation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

School

Yep. School (PTA) is responsible for so much of these useless events, scheduling days that the kids have to wear some random outfit to school, involving families in setting up things for teachers that most of them won’t even like, etc.

It’s the consequence of living in UMC neighborhoods where educated mothers decided to stay at home and then need to fill their time with these pointless activities in order to feel useful.

Meanwhile many of us just don’t have time for this stuff because we never left the workforce, but we have to participate because we don’t want our kid to be left out.

I bet you chose these neighborhoods, and your DHs would have been happy in MC neighborhoods with 2 working parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

School

School organized the Thursday morning holiday performance. The caroling and birthday party are not school organized events.

Believing the school organized all these events is absurd, and these responses add to the possibility that OP too is creating unnecessary work for herself based on absurdities.

+1.

The kid needs to change schools. This is what happens when you go to a school you cannot afford. I bet the school does this because most of the parents have either a stay at home parent or a full time nanny.

This would require significant resources from OP.

OP is struggling with cookies, dresses, and a birthday gift. Let's start with the cookies.

Nah. In boundary public school should be pretty straightforward.

If you cookie preparation is more difficult than changing schools, you need to simplify your cookie preparation.

I wouldn't know. I have never baked a cookie in my life. We have never needed to buy a specific sweater color either. Yet my kids are happy and doing well at school and the one extracurricular they love to do. We dropped the second one very fast as it was going to be too much between drop off, pick up and practice supervision at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

Act 4: Kids are now teenagers and dad's contribution is asking them to do the dishes, take out the trash, mow lawn, etc. as he still does none of it - and then yells at them for not helping mom.