Two spouses: a play

[Anonymous]

It takes me 30 seconds to tell DH "can you get a long sleeve shirt for DS' concert?". DH will spend way more time getting one, making sure it fits, etc. I mean maybe part of why it's so much easier to take on that task is because DH is reliable and I don't have to follow up or wonder if he's going to do it correctly. But in our house, being the Task Rabbit is way more work than being the one who delegates. Which is why DH and I tend to divide it depending on activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

I don’t think you actually have elementary schoolers. Or that you are responsible for them anyway.
The only thing most elementary schoolers could do on the OP’s list without any help is make the cookies. And that’s the only thing you outsourced.

Maybe your elementary schoolers are a little slow? Mine know their colors. If I asked my daughter to get her green shirt, she would do so. If I remind my 4th grader to get her red dress, she'd go get it.

You're missing the point entirely. The husband isn't the issue here. The OP's inability to communicate and play the martyr is.

My kid never has the color of shirt they need. We don't have clothes in every color of the rainbow at all times (maybe we should, but that would of course be a task that would fall to me, isn't it? and then everyone would make fun of me for being the OCD mom who overplays I'm guessing). She'll have a red dress but it turns out it's two sizes too small.

Like it is bizarre you are assuming that OP's kids already had all the items they needed for these performances -- the entire reason OP is annoyed is because obviously they didn't already have them, or what they had didn't fit, and she had to put effort into helping to buy or borrow items in order to fulfill the requirement. And it was OP who figured out they didn't have that stuff, and did it far enough in advance that they could order things online or go pick something up in a store without having to scramble the night before.

Same with the kid's gift. Yes, children can pick out a birthday gift for a friend. But the act of taking that kid shopping or being organized enough to sit down at a computer with the kid to select something online far enough in advance to get it in time, is work. Also if the kid suggests a gift that costs too much, or the thing they pick is sold out, you have to work through that with them because an 7 year old is not going to just know that Lego Set A is a more appropriate gift than Lego Set B. You have to teach them. And then the gift need to be wrapped and you have to remember to bring it. And no, most elementary age kids cannot do all that independently without quite a bit of handholding from a parent. They aren't slow, they are children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

WTF so they can say "what" but they can't actually shop and by it. Obviously. So more work for you.

Oh FFS, are you completely helpless?

"What do you want to get Simon for his birthday, Larlo?"

"Groot Legos!"

<Internet search, find Marvel Dancing Groot Lego for $35.99 on Amazon. Click "buy now.">

Damn, I'm never getting that minute of my life back. And now I'm so mentally exhausted I need a nap.

Jesus. You pathetic women.

If it’s so easy, why didn’t dad do it?

Because mom would criticize HOW he did it, in all likelihood.

So what? It's dad choice if he wants to let the criticism impact him. He doesn't have to listen to it.

Exactly. Dads are know for buying whatever garbage any kids wants online, on demand.

Once the kids catch on— age 8 usually- that their dad is asleep at the wheel and more than willing to trade $$$$ and material goods for “parenting,” it’s no holds barred what he will buy online asap for his kids when asked.

I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences. Not all men are like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

Candy and $67 of makeup! Buy it daddy!

Is your husband incapable of using his brain? Or are you just the obnoxious controlling type who complains they have to do everything but anytime someone tries to take over, you complain that what they are doing isn't right. Most dads would know not to buy $67 of makeup for a gift. It may not be exactly what you would have bought...but that's ok.

Lol.

Let me send you some credit card bills for exactly that plus $47 gel manicures for a 12 yo going out with dad one Saturday morning.

So easy to manipulate a deadbeat dad with money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

WTF so they can say "what" but they can't actually shop and by it. Obviously. So more work for you.

Oh FFS, are you completely helpless?

"What do you want to get Simon for his birthday, Larlo?"

"Groot Legos!"

<Internet search, find Marvel Dancing Groot Lego for $35.99 on Amazon. Click "buy now.">

Damn, I'm never getting that minute of my life back. And now I'm so mentally exhausted I need a nap.

Jesus. You pathetic women.

If it’s so easy, why didn’t dad do it?

Because mom would criticize HOW he did it, in all likelihood.

So what? It's dad choice if he wants to let the criticism impact him. He doesn't have to listen to it.

Exactly. Dads are know for buying whatever garbage any kids wants online, on demand.

Once the kids catch on— age 8 usually- that their dad is asleep at the wheel and more than willing to trade $$$$ and material goods for “parenting,” it’s no holds barred what he will buy online asap for his kids when asked.

Totally true. My kids know I will say no and day will say yes so they go straight for the yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

Candy and $67 of makeup! Buy it daddy!

Is your husband incapable of using his brain?

Or are you just the obnoxious controlling type who complains they have to do everything but anytime someone tries to take over, you complain that what they are doing isn't right.

Most dads would know not to buy $67 of makeup for a gift. It may not be exactly what you would have bought...but that's ok.

So ma’am what would you say to him once the above happened? Anything?

What would you say to him the 20th time it happened a year? Anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

I don’t think you actually have elementary schoolers. Or that you are responsible for them anyway.
The only thing most elementary schoolers could do on the OP’s list without any help is make the cookies. And that’s the only thing you outsourced.

Maybe your elementary schoolers are a little slow? Mine know their colors. If I asked my daughter to get her green shirt, she would do so. If I remind my 4th grader to get her red dress, she'd go get it.

You're missing the point entirely. The husband isn't the issue here. The OP's inability to communicate and play the martyr is.

My kid never has the color of shirt they need. We don't have clothes in every color of the rainbow at all times (maybe we should, but that would of course be a task that would fall to me, isn't it? and then everyone would make fun of me for being the OCD mom who overplays I'm guessing). She'll have a red dress but it turns out it's two sizes too small.

Like it is bizarre you are assuming that OP's kids already had all the items they needed for these performances -- the entire reason OP is annoyed is because obviously they didn't already have them, or what they had didn't fit, and she had to put effort into helping to buy or borrow items in order to fulfill the requirement. And it was OP who figured out they didn't have that stuff, and did it far enough in advance that they could order things online or go pick something up in a store without having to scramble the night before.

Same with the kid's gift. Yes, children can pick out a birthday gift for a friend. But the act of taking that kid shopping or being organized enough to sit down at a computer with the kid to select something online far enough in advance to get it in time, is work. Also if the kid suggests a gift that costs too much, or the thing they pick is sold out, you have to work through that with them because an 7 year old is not going to just know that Lego Set A is a more appropriate gift than Lego Set B. You have to teach them. And then the gift need to be wrapped and you have to remember to bring it. And no, most elementary age kids cannot do all that independently without quite a bit of handholding from a parent. They aren't slow, they are children.

Is your husband really so incompetent that he can't do these things? Or do you just assume he is? In our house, if DC doesn't ask Dad on their own, I can simply tell them to and DH handles it with no issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care where they work, they all act like Homer Simpson with their home and family. Seen it so many times. Loving their willful ignorance.

They even brag about never reading their group texts or emails or teamsnaps.

So funny!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

Candy and $67 of makeup! Buy it daddy!

Is your husband incapable of using his brain?

Or are you just the obnoxious controlling type who complains they have to do everything but anytime someone tries to take over, you complain that what they are doing isn't right.

Most dads would know not to buy $67 of makeup for a gift. It may not be exactly what you would have bought...but that's ok.

So ma’am what would you say to him once the above happened? Anything?

What would you say to him the 20th time it happened a year? Anything?

I've never had to say anything because DH is a capable adult. The problem here isn't the "mental load" or whatever. The problem here is your husband is an idiot if he thinks $70 of make up is an appropriate birthday gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

WTF so they can say "what" but they can't actually shop and by it. Obviously. So more work for you.

Oh FFS, are you completely helpless?

"What do you want to get Simon for his birthday, Larlo?"

"Groot Legos!"

<Internet search, find Marvel Dancing Groot Lego for $35.99 on Amazon. Click "buy now.">

Damn, I'm never getting that minute of my life back. And now I'm so mentally exhausted I need a nap.

Jesus. You pathetic women.

If it’s so easy, why didn’t dad do it?

Because mom would criticize HOW he did it, in all likelihood.

So what? It's dad choice if he wants to let the criticism impact him. He doesn't have to listen to it.

dp This is true.

And dad might be on a dad forum getting validation for OP stepping out of her lane. It would behoove him to communicate with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

WTF so they can say "what" but they can't actually shop and by it. Obviously. So more work for you.

Oh FFS, are you completely helpless?

"What do you want to get Simon for his birthday, Larlo?"

"Groot Legos!"

<Internet search, find Marvel Dancing Groot Lego for $35.99 on Amazon. Click "buy now.">

Damn, I'm never getting that minute of my life back. And now I'm so mentally exhausted I need a nap.

Jesus. You pathetic women.

If it’s so easy, why didn’t dad do it?

Because mom would criticize HOW he did it, in all likelihood.

So what? It's dad choice if he wants to let the criticism impact him. He doesn't have to listen to it.

Exactly. Dads are know for buying whatever garbage any kids wants online, on demand.

Once the kids catch on— age 8 usually- that their dad is asleep at the wheel and more than willing to trade $$$$ and material goods for “parenting,” it’s no holds barred what he will buy online asap for his kids when asked.

I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences. Not all men are like this.

The work addict adhd and asd ones sure are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

WTF so they can say "what" but they can't actually shop and by it. Obviously. So more work for you.

Oh FFS, are you completely helpless?

"What do you want to get Simon for his birthday, Larlo?"

"Groot Legos!"

<Internet search, find Marvel Dancing Groot Lego for $35.99 on Amazon. Click "buy now.">

Damn, I'm never getting that minute of my life back. And now I'm so mentally exhausted I need a nap.

Jesus. You pathetic women.

If it’s so easy, why didn’t dad do it?

Because mom would criticize HOW he did it, in all likelihood.

So what? It's dad choice if he wants to let the criticism impact him. He doesn't have to listen to it.

Dads like that don’t give two F’s so criticizing his poor judgment or age inappropriateness or lack of safety with the kids just rolls down the narc’s back and fuels his need for control via stonewalling.

The reason moms criticize in that situation is because she is the one who will be blamed if Larlo shows up to the concert in the wrong outfit or the gift purchased for the birthday party is totally inappropriate. Every time. People will KNOW that dad was the one who got Larlo ready for the concert or bought the inappropriate gift, but they will only judge the mom for failing to do it herself or failing to appropriately supervises her husband (everyone knows men are helpless and can't be expected to do basic things like buy kid's birthday gifts or get kids ready for a holiday concert, who does mom think she is just delegating that task and not following up to make sure it was done correctly).

Thus dads continue to shirk responsibility or half ass parenting tasks, because the only person who will ever criticize them for it is their nagging wife, and women wind up doing everything because it's usually easier to just do it yourself than to delegate the task, watch your DH fail at it, and then STILL be the one getting the scolding email from the teacher or the exasperated look from the birthday boy's parents, while DH is impervious to it because it's not directed at him. No one expects him to be a competent parent.

[Anonymous]

Oof this post has reminded me that I really need to tell DH how thankful I am for him. I never thought he was such an outlier but apparently he is.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain. [/quote]

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”[/quote]

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate [/quote]

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that. [/quote]

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF. [/quote]

WTF so they can say "what" but they can't actually shop and by it. Obviously. So more work for you.[/quote]

Oh FFS, are you completely helpless?

"What do you want to get Simon for his birthday, Larlo?"

"Groot Legos!"

<Internet search, find Marvel Dancing Groot Lego for $35.99 on Amazon. Click "buy now.">

Damn, I'm never getting that minute of my life back. And now I'm so mentally exhausted I need a nap.

Jesus. You pathetic women.[/quote]

If it’s so easy, why didn’t dad do it?[/quote]

Because mom would criticize HOW he did it, in all likelihood. [/quote]

So what? It's dad choice if he wants to let the criticism impact him. He doesn't have to listen to it.[/quote]
[b]
I grew up with a mom who criticized how everyone did everything and then complained that she had to do everything. It's incredibly toxic. Take some responsibility for yourself and your own toxic behavior. [/b][/quote]

It's so incredibly obvious by the replies in the thread they are where they are by choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

Candy and $67 of makeup! Buy it daddy!

Is your husband incapable of using his brain?

Or are you just the obnoxious controlling type who complains they have to do everything but anytime someone tries to take over, you complain that what they are doing isn't right.

Most dads would know not to buy $67 of makeup for a gift. It may not be exactly what you would have bought...but that's ok.

So ma’am what would you say to him once the above happened? Anything?

What would you say to him the 20th time it happened a year? Anything?

I've never had to say anything because DH is a capable adult. The problem here isn't the "mental load" or whatever. The problem here is your husband is an idiot if he thinks $70 of make up is an appropriate birthday gift.

Correct, he’s an “idiot.”

What’s your next move? Divorce? Coddle him? Sleep with time more? Try to house train him?


Wanna guess why he’s an “idiot”? This is the heart of OP’s post.

Well, if you follow the OP and anything in the press, it’s because he’s lazy, misogynistic, incompetent, self-centered, doesn’t care about anyone else, not parent material, or all of the above.