Two spouses: a play

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You know there would be a diagnosis and label for this, right? It didn’t just show up one day. No struggles in school? Parents never mentioned anything?

DP I think this is irrelevant.

If it is mostly the case that men cannot be vetted as parents, that's your sign. Your sign is men cannot be vetted. Expect a bad outcome playing Russian roulette. Do not proceed if it's a man.

Of course it's mostly the case, not always, that red flags exist. The reason they are overlooked and minimized is women want children. We know this for many reasons; for instance, women will have more children with men who aren't talking care of existing children.

Children are the reason signs are overlooked. And children suffer.

Raccoon/lightbulb PP. We met during a very structured time in our life, and then DH had a travel heavy career early in our marriage. It allowed him to adult in short, brief spurts without me realizing that he would one day lack the stamina for anything more than that.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry to raccoon/lightbulb poster. I thought my husband was kind of domestically limited but that is really bad. Thanks for sharing. And good that you can laugh about it now!

[Anonymous]

Same. Raccoon/lightbulb lady you have our collective support. Wishing you a peaceful holiday season full of well-lit bulbs and free of scavenger animal visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Had to handle the lightbulbs” is so incredible. I mean I’m sorry you had to deal with that but I’m cackling.

My elementary age DD watched me deal with putting in a new lightbulb right after he walked out. We were both really emotional but somehow she was able to zoom out and see it for what it was, and she goes “mommy, lightbulbs aren’t actually that complicated, are they?”. It was probably the first time we laughed in the days after I got served.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

I don’t think you actually have elementary schoolers. Or that you are responsible for them anyway.
The only thing most elementary schoolers could do on the OP’s list without any help is make the cookies. And that’s the only thing you outsourced.

Maybe your elementary schoolers are a little slow? Mine know their colors. If I asked my daughter to get her green shirt, she would do so. If I remind my 4th grader to get her red dress, she'd go get it.

You're missing the point entirely. The husband isn't the issue here. The OP's inability to communicate and play the martyr is.

Are you really this dumb or are you being purposefully obtuse? The point is that not everyone already has a green shirt or a red dress. Neither of my daughters has either of those things - they aren't colors they like to wear. So yeah, my kids can pick out the green shirt from the closet if it's there, but they can't drive themselves to the mall to purchase one if it's not.

Why is a red dress necessary for caroling?

How would wearing an existing article of clothing prevent the caroling?

And does this child even want to sing to old people?

You're using strawmen here.

That's not what a strawman is.

And the PP raises a good point. OP is all bent out of shape that her DH isn't helping with something that is not all that important. They can teach the kid not to care about stupid stuff like that. Or if it is so important to OP to go along with the dumb thing from the school, she can do it herself. But why should her priorities control?

R u kidding?

Most of life with kids the dad just shows up at the final thing, with no effort or aid or care of any of the steps leading up to it. Vacations, concerts, holidays, training, college apps, therapies, teen relationships, funerals, weddings, games or meets, graduations, parties, update letters, health treatments, big item purchases even.

They literally do nothing but focus on themselves or work, then show up to pretend they were part of something they had nothing to do with.

In OP’s three examples it was some concert, school field trip, and what not. She probably has 100 more examples as well.

Maybe with your loser DH, but not in my household, and not with families in my social circle. Sorry that you picked a loser, and maybe OP did too (although hard to tell from her lame examples), but if your DH is missing all of that, you shouldn't have married him, and you surely shouldn't have had kids with him.

+1000

What that OP is not copping to is that there is some cultural or religious aspect at play that causes so much dissatisfaction in her marriage but she is obligated to stay in it. That's not how must American women go about their relationships which is why her complaints and generlizations about men are missing their mark and not resonating.

Once kids are involved and be parent is revealed as totally dysfunctional, you are quite stuck. Only bad options. Nothing cultural about it. The white people gray divorce stats support this.

Revealed? As if there was no way of knowing? Perhaps actually dating a spouse for several years or seasons would have helped.

How does dating a single guy in a rental for more years help one see how he’d be in his 40s with kids, a house and yard, a senior level job, a wife who works and two sets of aging parents?

Maybe spending more time with his parents and seeing and asking about their respective roles, responsibilities and values over time miiiiiiight help.

But really it’s up to the dude to out the effort in and adapt to a less simple and more demanding life. And not check out or be a freeloader jerk.

Maybe move in together? How long did you actually date your husband before getting married?

Move into a house with cars, a yard, pets, scheduled activities, meals for 4 each night, forecasted spring, summer and winter breaks off…. And see what happens and what he does or does not contribute to the household?

Interesting.

I also like the idea of trying to understand more fully, what his father’s role in life was the last few decades when married and with kids. And currently.

No

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You know there would be a diagnosis and label for this, right? It didn’t just show up one day. No struggles in school? Parents never mentioned anything?

DP I think this is irrelevant.

If it is mostly the case that men cannot be vetted as parents, that's your sign. Your sign is men cannot be vetted. Expect a bad outcome playing Russian roulette. Do not proceed if it's a man.

Of course it's mostly the case, not always, that red flags exist. The reason they are overlooked and minimized is women want children. We know this for many reasons; for instance, women will have more children with men who aren't talking care of existing children.

Children are the reason signs are overlooked. And children suffer.

Raccoon/lightbulb PP. We met during a very structured time in our life, and then DH had a travel heavy career early in our marriage. It allowed him to adult in short, brief spurts without me realizing that he would one day lack the stamina for anything more than that.

If you were not aware he was a man, understandable. If you were aware he was a man, outcome completely inevitably expected.

Lesson learned. Wish you the best.

Ensure your daughter - any loved female in your life- will avoid marrying or procreation with a man, like avoiding Heroin.

[Anonymous]

The lightbulbs/raccoon thing is extremely familiar. My husband does the same with different subjects (the other day it was furnace air filters) and gets offended if I try to insinuate that it’s not important and I’ll just get the right size ones at Costco or on Amazon and they’ll work fine. Sigh …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The lightbulbs/raccoon thing is extremely familiar. My husband does the same with different subjects (the other day it was furnace air filters) and gets offended if I try to insinuate that it’s not important and I’ll just get the right size ones at Costco or on Amazon and they’ll work fine. Sigh …

Ironic, given the content of this thread...