“Family money” becoming more important in dating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3. It’s what my ex still calls it. Like when he verbally abuses the kids with statements like “I have to work for what I get and you’re on a free ride go ask your rich mommy or rich grandpop for a porch” kind of stuff. He still is bitter my “daddy’s money” isn’t his.

Same, and they talk like that with our kid ("Mom, you can buy me x, y, and z, just use Daddy's money"). People really should marry their financial equal, if they marry at all. Learned it the hard way.

[Anonymous]

As the mom of a young adult who anticipates giving my DS help with a down payment one day, I'm now considering not gifting the money but instead, buying jointly with him. I've seen too many wives divorce after living in the house the in-laws made possible and take half of it because the son's personal property got converted into marital property upon marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OTOH, I think it's really messed up when the low earning spouse gets a large inheritance and chooses to keep it as her personal property, then divorces and claims she needs alimony to maintain her standard of living. In that situation, "family money" should be a factor in the divorce settlement.

If she has a guaranteed income from an irrevocable trust, a good lawyer would get that included to calculate alimony. It doesn't apply to an asset split, nor should it, but it can be a factor in determining alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of a young adult who anticipates giving my DS help with a down payment one day, I'm now considering not gifting the money but instead, buying jointly with him. I've seen too many wives divorce after living in the house the in-laws made possible and take half of it because the son's personal property got converted into marital property upon marriage.

But a home is a home. I understand why a spouse feels entitled to the house where they've lived and raised a family. I think I'd rather give my kids trust money, buy them a car when they graduate college, and fund grandkids' education, but I don't want to get in the middle of a family home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in my 50s but hearing from my daughter and her friends, it seems gen z is more cognizant of “family money” when dating?

I hear from her about her friends talking about prospects and she says young gen z men also make it a point to know if a young woman is coming from “family money” or not.

I grew up mc/umc (friend group was all parents who were engineers, attorneys, primary care physicians) but not “old money”/high finance/biglaw/“movers and shakers” and none of my friends thought if someone came from generational wealth when we were dating.

Are you also hearing this from your children?

Who cares.

Anyone “with family money” has it in trusts for each adult kid so while yes, you’re marrying someone with money, it will be their trust buying the house, paying for future kids private school tuitions, and paying for any eventual divorce.

The spouse won’t get jack from any “family money,” only whatever income they both generate during the marriage.

It’s actually quite fair.

No one with “family money” wants their son or daughter marrying a greedy idiot and taking the hard-earned and saved “family money.”

This.

“Family money” could be tens of millions per adult child or grandchild, or it could be the inheritance is in a smaller trust one can tap into whilst the successfully saving/investing parents are still alive.

Either way, don’t plan on not having a job or someone else’s parents paying your way 24/7.

+1

We are happy our daughters have trusts as they won’t be shackled in a bad marriage if they don’t work or downshift jobs later. We know of bad verbal abuse and financial abuse cases across every income strata.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex husband is looking for a new beard, since my family money is no longer his. If alcoholic middle aged traveling salesmen are your shtick I’ve got a real live prospective leech for you. He will be mean to you while he resents you.

"Beard" usually implies that he's gay and you, the wife, are covering up for that secrecy. Like a beard covering the face.

Usually, yes. In my case I was his financial beard. He liked to live a lifestyle he couldn’t afford without my daddy’s money- which he both coveted and deeply resented. I kept that fact discreetly from friends and outsiders till the divorce, when it became obvious.

Similar for me. My parents gave us some gifts, but it was always gracious and unexpected; even their trust is revocable and doesn't include current distributions, so none of their money belonged to me or our marriage, but my ex was crazy angry when we got divorced that daddy's money wasn't a factor in our settlement.

He wanted my parents' wealth to be a reason why he should keep almost all of our marital assets and not pay any child support even though he also doesn't have parenting time because he moved away.

Ultimately, he doesn't pay child support because I don't enforce it, but for years, he was so horrible to me and used whatever time he had with our kids to hurt them as a proxy to hurting me because our divorce settlement ended up a 50/50 split (and I have always worked and contributed). So ugly.

Awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OTOH, I think it's really messed up when the low earning spouse gets a large inheritance and chooses to keep it as her personal property, then divorces and claims she needs alimony to maintain her standard of living. In that situation, "family money" should be a factor in the divorce settlement.

Must have been illiquid. Your message makes no sense from an estate or divorce law perspective.

Alimony is based on forgone day job earnings to prop up the earning spouse, kids and household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of a young adult who anticipates giving my DS help with a down payment one day, I'm now considering not gifting the money but instead, buying jointly with him. I've seen too many wives divorce after living in the house the in-laws made possible and take half of it because the son's personal property got converted into marital property upon marriage.

You can try.

It will be up to the couple if they want to buy their house themselves, or do your strings attached purchase.

They’re not idiots.

We’ve even turned down a $1M heloc at 1% from one side of the family- they wanted the tax shield and we had to buy and live in their town. We said No Thanks. Nbd. Although things would have made an excellent rental propriety with good yield and appreciation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of a young adult who anticipates giving my DS help with a down payment one day, I'm now considering not gifting the money but instead, buying jointly with him. I've seen too many wives divorce after living in the house the in-laws made possible and take half of it because the son's personal property got converted into marital property upon marriage.

Only if you also pay the monthly PMI and do/pay for the annual home maintenance.

Otherwise the couple doing that has claim. Or you have a formal rental property.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I (millennial) heard it when I was a kid from a wealthy friend (like, she might have had a $1-3m trust, not crazy wealthy, but would never have to stress about money). When we were applying for college, she talked about how college was the best time to meet your future partner, and you need to go somewhere with the "right" student body. She married into one of the wealthiest families in America. Her sister also married very well. It was bred into them to do so, and it's nothing new.

That sounds like very SEC school sorority and fraternity

The south has no idea how gross breeding sounds.

[Anonymous]

Don’t let your daughters marry a broke man or someone beneath their SES. You have no idea the hell that we are about to face financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OTOH, I think it's really messed up when the low earning spouse gets a large inheritance and chooses to keep it as her personal property, then divorces and claims she needs alimony to maintain her standard of living. In that situation, "family money" should be a factor in the divorce settlement.

Must have been illiquid. Your message makes no sense from an estate or divorce law perspective.

Alimony is based on forgone day job earnings to prop up the earning spouse, kids and household.

It makes perfect sense. Inheritance is not part of the marital estate.

I think it makes sense though that she still gets alimony bc women usually lose a lot more in marriage and divorce than men do. Their youth is much more valuable and they are not the same marriage material as a divorced with kids, and since marriage is still the road to stability for most women, it really matters a lot. It’s why most older divorced women are poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset if my kids decided to marry too far down. I don't want them to make their life unnecessarily difficult. I plan will give my kids a substantial downpayment, help with childcare, college tuition for grandkids, and leave an inheritance. I hope that their in-laws can contribute as well.

You are my parents. DH’s parents have nothing for retirement and are a financial burden, as is one of his siblings. It wipes out our income discrepancies after you net out his outflows. My parents have also had to be more strategic about gifting and estate planning - their goal was never ever to effectively transfer to another family. Instead of cash gifts, they buy things we don't need but are nice to have, spoil my kids, pay for vacations, have a generation skipping trust that takes the burden off leaving a big estate myself, and I'm the one who owns and manages their 529 plans.

Sounds like your parents really have contempt for your in-laws. A generation skipping trust is far from the optimal way to solve your alleged problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have heard my kids talk about money. We are 1st gen immigrant. Came with nothing. No generational wealth in this country, no support system. We are now UMC and have always been white collar.

My gen-Z kids are super aware about money. And they are very grateful of what we have been able to provide them, even if we are not super wealthy. My kids do behave like starving artists. They do not have expensive taste. But they don't stand out because none of their friends have expensive tastes either.

I think, the way America is declining - their generation may be the generation that will want their parents hoarded stuff.

Rich and intelligent families have always passed down things and property to kids and created generational wealth.

Low IQ and frivolent spenders never had much anything of value to pass on because they squandered it.

Or… bear with me here because this is going to rock your world. Some families don’t have anything to pass down because 1 or more generations didn’t like the items and got rid of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3. It’s what my ex still calls it. Like when he verbally abuses the kids with statements like “I have to work for what I get and you’re on a free ride go ask your rich mommy or rich grandpop for a porch” kind of stuff. He still is bitter my “daddy’s money” isn’t his.

Same, and they talk like that with our kid ("Mom, you can buy me x, y, and z, just use Daddy's money"). People really should marry their financial equal, if they marry at all. Learned it the hard way.