When a friend asks for something of yours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTAF??? She is incredibly rude.

NO, do not give her the poster.

+1
Agree say no to Begesha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact you have had three friends like this means there is something going on with you that you put up with this nonsense. I’m not blaming you — these people are terrible. But I’m 51 with lots of friends over many years. No one has ever asked me something like this. I do think you need more insight as to why you remain friends with people like this.

It’s not entirely her fault. “Friends” like this are experts at glomming onto people whose weaknesses they can exploit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That doesn't matter. She is not entitled to any of your belongings, especially a sentimental gift from your spouse, just because she wants it. That's crazy

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact you have had three friends like this means there is something going on with you that you put up with this nonsense. I’m not blaming you — these people are terrible. But I’m 51 with lots of friends over many years. No one has ever asked me something like this. I do think you need more insight as to why you remain friends with people like this.

Many of us learn these behaviors from one of our parents so the behavior is familiar and we don't shy away from it as other people might, even if it makes us uncomfortable. OP - the first step is to acknowledge that your friend's behavior makes you really uncomfortable. The next step is to ask yourself why you invited someone like this into your life. And then you work on learning to build boundaries in your relationships and not to say yes when you really want to say no. Who cares that this person does so much for others. That doesn't actually make them a good person. Selflessness can be a good trait but not always. They feed off people like you who think you must be crazy to say no to someone who is seemingly so generous to others with their time. You are not a bad person for having manipulative people in your life but you can definitely learn how to stop the cycle once you understand why you do this.

I thought about this, and whether it was true. My parents never took my stuff. But I also I never really had ownership over anything until I was closer to 18.

This is fairly typical right? In other words, up until I was close to an adult, I never picked out anything for myself, although things were bought for me. And also, things would just disappear from my room without a word.

president then.



Honestly this is bizarre. I was given gifts and those were mine. Like from 5 on. I picked out things for my room. I had an allowance and what I used it for was mine. Things never disappeared.

No allowance. They also didn’t want me getting a job. If I needed anything, I had to ask. And honestly most things they said no to, so I didn’t ask, or I just felt too guilty to ask for something for myself. But things like school supplies, and such, I could buy. My aunts brought me clothes on my bdays and I got hand me downs. My aunts decorated my room, I had no input. My room was like a hotel room. Nothing individualized. No pictures.

Looking back maybe that’s why I felt so sentimentally attached to those little things like my shorts and the clock.

It’s normal to be personally attached to your personal belongings.

Next time this “friend” asks for something of yours, laugh and look her right in the face and ask why you should give it to her. Because she likes it? So what? That’s a reason for you to buy yourself a poster from a store, not a reason for me to take something of mine off my wall and give it to you instead. Don’t stop it. Really keep asking her and ask her why she feels entitled to your things. Say it loudly. Better if other people are around. If she tries to move on, don’t let her - say that she keeps saying it so obviously she believes it and you really want to try to understand her viewpoint because you’ve never met anyone like her before. Eventually, just say that she has a very strange sense of entitlement, obviously was not raised properly, and then move on with the conversation. If she decides that she doesn’t want to be friends after that, it would be better for you anyway.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm speaking to you as a people-pleaser in recovery, to someone who I think has the same affliction. It will be long, but I'm going to tell the whole journey in case some of it resonates and rattles something loose in you.

Like you, I was raised to always accommodate the needs of others over my own, even (or perhaps especially) when those needs are over-the-top, aggressive, very imposing, or even upsetting to me. I grew up in a family of very emotionally immature people and learned from very young that one survival path for me was to have no needs of my own and be as accommodating as possible.

I started to recognize the problems with this in my 20s, though didn't realize it was people pleasing. I had a serious romantic relationship that fell apart and my partner accused me of being needy, which really hurt me because I work so hard to NOT be needy. I started seeing a therapist who started to scratch the surface of the dysfunction from my childhood and how I was carrying it forward. The biggest take away from that therapist was the idea that maybe it was okay to be "needy" if it helped me realize I do in fact have needs. And also to start thinking about how the people around me respond to my needs, and the balance of power in my relationships -- who sets the tone? whose emotions dominate? how do they respond to my emotions, especially my negative emotions, and so on? These were all good questions to wrestle with. I did, I got over that ex and also left a really unsatisfying job for one with more potential, and I thought "ah, I'm fixed!"

Haha, I was not fixed. In my 30s, I found myself in multiple relationships (a significant other, several friendships, and two workplace mentorships) that I now recognize as dysfunctional. I was still accommodating others all the time while not having my own needs met, despite being more conscious of this dynamic. I turns out these tendencies are so engrained that it happens unconsciously for me, so it's hard to change. I convince myself that I'm happy with things that just coincidentally make others happy, especially the most demanding people in my life. It was WAY harder to stop this than I originally anticipated.

At this part I started to realize something. I'm going to bold it because I think it's most relevant to your present struggle: Lifelong people pleasers like you and me tend to attract people into our lives who are eager to use and abuse our people pleasing tendencies, and especially people who know precisely which buttons to push (guilt, implying we are bad people, withholding affection or friendship) to coerce us into giving them what they want. They find us. Realizing this sucks because you realize that you have people in your life who are mainly attracted to you because they know you will roll over and give them what you want at your own expense. THESE PEOPLE ARE USERS. They may have redeeming qualities, but they have dysfunction, and it is perfectly tailored to take advantage of your dysfunction.

I am in my 40s now and I still struggle with these issues. I've been through three rounds of therapy and will go through more. Each new life stage and situation creates more opportunities for me to fall back into these habits and then to have to relearn how to stand up for myself and extract myself from these situations again. But the one thing I am finally becoming better at is recognizing the users who see me as a mark.

Your friend is a user. She is intentionally trying to make you feel guilty to induce you to give her something you don't want to give her. She is creating conflict in your marriage by inserting her own needs into YOUR marriage. She is using a whole range of tools -- passive aggression, guilt tripping, undermining your self worth, self-aggrandizement, perceived quid pro quo (which isn't actually quid pro quo -- she never gives you anything she isn't eager to part with). She has likely honed these skills over a lifetime, since childhood, just like your people pleasing has been refined since a very young age.

Standing up to this person, saying no as many times as you need to when she tries to take advantage of you, and not allowing her dysfunction to cause you emotional pain and relationship strife, will be an incredibly valuable experience for you. Do it now, with this person, and it will help you practice for all the future people who will try to take advantage of you. Focus on your friends and family who don't try to use you in this way. Invest in those relationships. Let this particular friendship go, though. She is bad for you.

[Anonymous]

F no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm speaking to you as a people-pleaser in recovery, to someone who I think has the same affliction. It will be long, but I'm going to tell the whole journey in case some of it resonates and rattles something loose in you.

Like you, I was raised to always accommodate the needs of others over my own, even (or perhaps especially) when those needs are over-the-top, aggressive, very imposing, or even upsetting to me. I grew up in a family of very emotionally immature people and learned from very young that one survival path for me was to have no needs of my own and be as accommodating as possible.

I started to recognize the problems with this in my 20s, though didn't realize it was people pleasing. I had a serious romantic relationship that fell apart and my partner accused me of being needy, which really hurt me because I work so hard to NOT be needy. I started seeing a therapist who started to scratch the surface of the dysfunction from my childhood and how I was carrying it forward. The biggest take away from that therapist was the idea that maybe it was okay to be "needy" if it helped me realize I do in fact have needs. And also to start thinking about how the people around me respond to my needs, and the balance of power in my relationships -- who sets the tone? whose emotions dominate? how do they respond to my emotions, especially my negative emotions, and so on? These were all good questions to wrestle with. I did, I got over that ex and also left a really unsatisfying job for one with more potential, and I thought "ah, I'm fixed!"

Haha, I was not fixed. In my 30s, I found myself in multiple relationships (a significant other, several friendships, and two workplace mentorships) that I now recognize as dysfunctional. I was still accommodating others all the time while not having my own needs met, despite being more conscious of this dynamic. I turns out these tendencies are so engrained that it happens unconsciously for me, so it's hard to change. I convince myself that I'm happy with things that just coincidentally make others happy, especially the most demanding people in my life. It was WAY harder to stop this than I originally anticipated.

At this part I started to realize something. I'm going to bold it because I think it's most relevant to your present struggle: Lifelong people pleasers like you and me tend to attract people into our lives who are eager to use and abuse our people pleasing tendencies, and especially people who know precisely which buttons to push (guilt, implying we are bad people, withholding affection or friendship) to coerce us into giving them what they want. They find us. Realizing this sucks because you realize that you have people in your life who are mainly attracted to you because they know you will roll over and give them what you want at your own expense. THESE PEOPLE ARE USERS. They may have redeeming qualities, but they have dysfunction, and it is perfectly tailored to take advantage of your dysfunction.

I am in my 40s now and I still struggle with these issues. I've been through three rounds of therapy and will go through more. Each new life stage and situation creates more opportunities for me to fall back into these habits and then to have to relearn how to stand up for myself and extract myself from these situations again. But the one thing I am finally becoming better at is recognizing the users who see me as a mark.

Your friend is a user. She is intentionally trying to make you feel guilty to induce you to give her something you don't want to give her. She is creating conflict in your marriage by inserting her own needs into YOUR marriage. She is using a whole range of tools -- passive aggression, guilt tripping, undermining your self worth, self-aggrandizement, perceived quid pro quo (which isn't actually quid pro quo -- she never gives you anything she isn't eager to part with). She has likely honed these skills over a lifetime, since childhood, just like your people pleasing has been refined since a very young age.

Standing up to this person, saying no as many times as you need to when she tries to take advantage of you, and not allowing her dysfunction to cause you emotional pain and relationship strife, will be an incredibly valuable experience for you. Do it now, with this person, and it will help you practice for all the future people who will try to take advantage of you. Focus on your friends and family who don't try to use you in this way. Invest in those relationships. Let this particular friendship go, though. She is bad for you.

Excellent post. Clearly you have been there, me too, and this really resonates. Hope OP reads it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm speaking to you as a people-pleaser in recovery, to someone who I think has the same affliction. It will be long, but I'm going to tell the whole journey in case some of it resonates and rattles something loose in you.

Like you, I was raised to always accommodate the needs of others over my own, even (or perhaps especially) when those needs are over-the-top, aggressive, very imposing, or even upsetting to me. I grew up in a family of very emotionally immature people and learned from very young that one survival path for me was to have no needs of my own and be as accommodating as possible.

I started to recognize the problems with this in my 20s, though didn't realize it was people pleasing. I had a serious romantic relationship that fell apart and my partner accused me of being needy, which really hurt me because I work so hard to NOT be needy. I started seeing a therapist who started to scratch the surface of the dysfunction from my childhood and how I was carrying it forward. The biggest take away from that therapist was the idea that maybe it was okay to be "needy" if it helped me realize I do in fact have needs. And also to start thinking about how the people around me respond to my needs, and the balance of power in my relationships -- who sets the tone? whose emotions dominate? how do they respond to my emotions, especially my negative emotions, and so on? These were all good questions to wrestle with. I did, I got over that ex and also left a really unsatisfying job for one with more potential, and I thought "ah, I'm fixed!"

Haha, I was not fixed. In my 30s, I found myself in multiple relationships (a significant other, several friendships, and two workplace mentorships) that I now recognize as dysfunctional. I was still accommodating others all the time while not having my own needs met, despite being more conscious of this dynamic. I turns out these tendencies are so engrained that it happens unconsciously for me, so it's hard to change. I convince myself that I'm happy with things that just coincidentally make others happy, especially the most demanding people in my life. It was WAY harder to stop this than I originally anticipated.

At this part I started to realize something. I'm going to bold it because I think it's most relevant to your present struggle: Lifelong people pleasers like you and me tend to attract people into our lives who are eager to use and abuse our people pleasing tendencies, and especially people who know precisely which buttons to push (guilt, implying we are bad people, withholding affection or friendship) to coerce us into giving them what they want. They find us. Realizing this sucks because you realize that you have people in your life who are mainly attracted to you because they know you will roll over and give them what you want at your own expense. THESE PEOPLE ARE USERS. They may have redeeming qualities, but they have dysfunction, and it is perfectly tailored to take advantage of your dysfunction.

I am in my 40s now and I still struggle with these issues. I've been through three rounds of therapy and will go through more. Each new life stage and situation creates more opportunities for me to fall back into these habits and then to have to relearn how to stand up for myself and extract myself from these situations again. But the one thing I am finally becoming better at is recognizing the users who see me as a mark.

Your friend is a user. She is intentionally trying to make you feel guilty to induce you to give her something you don't want to give her. She is creating conflict in your marriage by inserting her own needs into YOUR marriage. She is using a whole range of tools -- passive aggression, guilt tripping, undermining your self worth, self-aggrandizement, perceived quid pro quo (which isn't actually quid pro quo -- she never gives you anything she isn't eager to part with). She has likely honed these skills over a lifetime, since childhood, just like your people pleasing has been refined since a very young age.

Standing up to this person, saying no as many times as you need to when she tries to take advantage of you, and not allowing her dysfunction to cause you emotional pain and relationship strife, will be an incredibly valuable experience for you. Do it now, with this person, and it will help you practice for all the future people who will try to take advantage of you. Focus on your friends and family who don't try to use you in this way. Invest in those relationships. Let this particular friendship go, though. She is bad for you.

Excellent post. Clearly you have been there, me too, and this really resonates. Hope OP reads it.

++

[Anonymous]

This is not a friend.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of a situation I had where a friend borrowed my sewing machine. My mom had given me the sewing machine, which was a really nice one, as a milestone birthday gift. I rarely used it because I was very busy with work and needed time and space to work on my sewing skills, which I didn't have at that point in my life.

I lent the machine to my friend happily, as she needed it and I had it to lend. But when it was time to give it back, she didn't want to. She started saying stuff like "but you never use it" and "it's such a shame for a nice sewing machine to just sit in a closet." It took me months to get it back and I had to convince her to return it, by explaining the machine was important to me as a gift from my mom, and that I saw the value in having it on hand even if I didn't use it often. I should not have had to provide reasons why I wanted my own property back, but she had become convinced that she "deserved" the machine and I did not.

I don't know why some people are like this. It's not just covetous, there's this arrogance in the behavior. They think that they understand the world better than you, and that they should be in charge of allocating certain resources because they know where they best belong. They lack self-awareness about the fact that their allocation of resources would always, of course, work to their benefit, with them always receiving the things they want (preferably as gifts, free of charge) and they are generally not overly concerned with what others want.

At the time my friend tried to take this sewing machine from me, she was living in a three-bedroom house and I was living in an apartment. I definitely wished I had a house at that time, and I worked from home and really wanted a home office, whereas she didn't need one. She did not volunteer to give me her house and take my apartment, even though you could argue it would have made more sense. Yet she felt I should give her my sewing machine because she thought she'd use it more.

This is just a form of narcissism.

[Anonymous]

I've never experienced a friend asking for one of my possessions, let alone badgering me about how she deserves a gift from my husband more than me. This is a truly bizarre scenario, OP, and your friend has boundary issues.

I'd tell her "please stop asking for my birthday present from Larlo. It's not going to happen and it's making me uncomfortable that you keep bringing it up" next time, and if she ever brings it up after that, just distance yourself entirely.

[Anonymous]

This is an awful character flaw in your supposed friend.

I guess I’d tell her exactly one more time that this is a cherished possession and that the begging must stop - tell it the whole situation and her obsession is odd and makes you uncomfortable. Say it sternly. If she brings it up again, she’d never hear from me again.

[Anonymous]

Whoa. I would say no with a quickness. I actually think it's weird she asked for it knowing the story behind it. Are you sure she's a friend? Move it to your bedroom or another room where she will never see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm speaking to you as a people-pleaser in recovery, to someone who I think has the same affliction. It will be long, but I'm going to tell the whole journey in case some of it resonates and rattles something loose in you.

Like you, I was raised to always accommodate the needs of others over my own, even (or perhaps especially) when those needs are over-the-top, aggressive, very imposing, or even upsetting to me. I grew up in a family of very emotionally immature people and learned from very young that one survival path for me was to have no needs of my own and be as accommodating as possible.

I started to recognize the problems with this in my 20s, though didn't realize it was people pleasing. I had a serious romantic relationship that fell apart and my partner accused me of being needy, which really hurt me because I work so hard to NOT be needy. I started seeing a therapist who started to scratch the surface of the dysfunction from my childhood and how I was carrying it forward. The biggest take away from that therapist was the idea that maybe it was okay to be "needy" if it helped me realize I do in fact have needs. And also to start thinking about how the people around me respond to my needs, and the balance of power in my relationships -- who sets the tone? whose emotions dominate? how do they respond to my emotions, especially my negative emotions, and so on? These were all good questions to wrestle with. I did, I got over that ex and also left a really unsatisfying job for one with more potential, and I thought "ah, I'm fixed!"

Haha, I was not fixed. In my 30s, I found myself in multiple relationships (a significant other, several friendships, and two workplace mentorships) that I now recognize as dysfunctional. I was still accommodating others all the time while not having my own needs met, despite being more conscious of this dynamic. I turns out these tendencies are so engrained that it happens unconsciously for me, so it's hard to change. I convince myself that I'm happy with things that just coincidentally make others happy, especially the most demanding people in my life. It was WAY harder to stop this than I originally anticipated.

At this part I started to realize something. I'm going to bold it because I think it's most relevant to your present struggle: Lifelong people pleasers like you and me tend to attract people into our lives who are eager to use and abuse our people pleasing tendencies, and especially people who know precisely which buttons to push (guilt, implying we are bad people, withholding affection or friendship) to coerce us into giving them what they want. They find us. Realizing this sucks because you realize that you have people in your life who are mainly attracted to you because they know you will roll over and give them what you want at your own expense. THESE PEOPLE ARE USERS. They may have redeeming qualities, but they have dysfunction, and it is perfectly tailored to take advantage of your dysfunction.

I am in my 40s now and I still struggle with these issues. I've been through three rounds of therapy and will go through more. Each new life stage and situation creates more opportunities for me to fall back into these habits and then to have to relearn how to stand up for myself and extract myself from these situations again. But the one thing I am finally becoming better at is recognizing the users who see me as a mark.

Your friend is a user. She is intentionally trying to make you feel guilty to induce you to give her something you don't want to give her. She is creating conflict in your marriage by inserting her own needs into YOUR marriage. She is using a whole range of tools -- passive aggression, guilt tripping, undermining your self worth, self-aggrandizement, perceived quid pro quo (which isn't actually quid pro quo -- she never gives you anything she isn't eager to part with). She has likely honed these skills over a lifetime, since childhood, just like your people pleasing has been refined since a very young age.

Standing up to this person, saying no as many times as you need to when she tries to take advantage of you, and not allowing her dysfunction to cause you emotional pain and relationship strife, will be an incredibly valuable experience for you. Do it now, with this person, and it will help you practice for all the future people who will try to take advantage of you. Focus on your friends and family who don't try to use you in this way. Invest in those relationships. Let this particular friendship go, though. She is bad for you.

OP here. Thanks for sharing this. It 100 percent resonates. And I needed to hear this, especially now. This is all stuff I've worked on in therapy as well, but it's been a few years, and this was a good reminder. Old habits die hard. And you are so right that nothing is quite fixed - the people keep popping up in unexpected places in different forms, and I have to stay vigilant to keep protecting myself from being used.

I never quite thought of my cousin in the same category as that, but the way you described it, I realize she definitely uses ALL those tricks as well. The common thread that always feels like a knife through the heart is their rejection or judgment when I don't deliver exactly what they need or want in the moment.

I think I put my guard down with this friend who was asking me for the poster (which happened a year ago). Either I got much better at setting boundaries and avoiding "unprotected" solo time with her, and she no longer considered me an easy target, or she has gotten better through therapy. But things "generally" are better than how they used to be.

However: I managed to get myself in a situation now where I've committed to a trip that will require some alone with her, so even though I mostly forgot about my caution, my body is sending me big warning signs and I'm feeling anxiety. She throws weird curveballs at me when we are alone together.. Things like "splitting" where she talks bad about mutual friends with me, or bringing up some past incident when I had failed to meet her need in some very significant way (said to me as parenting advice on how to deal with my child, to enlighten me about my flaws).

[Anonymous]

I think it's weird but I had a friend who was similar. I think she expected me to treat her to things because I had more money maybe, and made comments where she openly coveted things of mine--I remember thinking that if I offered them to her she would take them. I think she was hinting around to see what I would do. She made a comment one time to the effect that something I had looked like it was something she would own but not me, which felt kind of insulting. I had known her off and in since childhood so I stayed friends longer tgan I should have. Eventually she ghosted me which was fine. She had other friends and they took her on trips or she stayed at their beach houses and stuff like that. I think when she realized she couldn't really use me, I didn't matter to her.

The person is a user. Do not give her your possessions.