Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.
I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.
Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.
Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.
Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.
I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.
Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.
Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.
Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.
I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.
Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.
Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.
Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.
I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.
Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.
Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.
It’s a bad metaphor.
This is a uniquely terrible metaphor. Like <1% percentile metaphor. Just awful choice of words.
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I have four boys and yes, there is something that kind of breaks in them during middle school and remains broken during high school. They sort of seal up emotionally because it's just.not.acceptable. to feel things. It's strange and weird and basically the one thing that sort of opened them up weirdly was dating girls and even then it is sort of screwed up that they rely on them for this solely. Their friends aren't safe spaces.
Keen observation!
Train your son how to be a good friend. I've done that with my sons and daughters. Now, even my boys can give and take empathy from others. And, yes, I do see my DD has male friends that call on her for that type of support because they cannot get it from friends.
This is an interesting point. I do agree I've seen this happen.
Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.
I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.
Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.
Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.
Back up, we got a metaphor maker up in here!
This might be the best post in this thread. An unkind roast from someone who thinks all unkind roasts have to stop.
Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.
I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.
Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.
Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.
Back up, we got a metaphor maker up in here!
This might be the best post in this thread. An unkind roast from someone who thinks all unkind roasts have to stop.
Ooh, we gotta thin-skinned mamma thinking she’s making a point, look at the steam puffing out of her! You can hear the gears grinding from space.
Please feel free to use bold, italic, asterisks, however you process, to show where Mama Bad Metaphor was critiqued for lack of football skills, being a bad runner, having poor parents, not having a real Stanley cup or Lululemon bag, getting only into not competitive schools, her appearance, or any of the other scenarios under discussion.
My DC don’t “roast,” yet it is legit hilarious how offended you claim to be. Parent your little dickheads. Try.
Anonymous wrote:I have personally seen this in girls as well as boys. I can't tell if it's just the culture at our elementary school or what, but the kids are super mean to each other (we are leaving after this year, for several reasons, but honestly this aspect of the culture is part of it).
I have seen boys and girls "roast" other kids for offenses like needing after school tutoring, being slower than other kids in gym, not being familiar with some tv show/movie/video game, having parents who aren't as well off. My kids have also told me about teasing that happens because a child expresses any ambition (i.e. making fun of a kid who says they want to be a doctor when they grow up) or for being unfamiliar with terms related to drugs or sex (yes, I know, again -- we are leaving).
Some of the kids also attempt to roast adults.
It seems to start around 2nd grade at the school (our oldest is in 2nd) though I saw some of it in 1st. However, in 1st, teachers would say something about it and at least some of the other parents would also speak up. Now no one seems to care. Some adults seem to think it's a positive thing, a way for kids to show confidence and be "resilient."
I'm totally baffled. At first I was shocked but now I'm just confused. Why would you raise kids like this? Separately, teachers and some parents complain about "behavioral issues" at school, by which they mean kids who push or shove or make scenes in class. To me it's all obviously connected. These kids are not being taught to be respectful of other people, or that their actions can negatively effect others and they have a responsibility to work on themselves and be better.
Do I tease my kids? Yes. Do my friends make fun of me? Yes. Do my kids make fun of their friends and vice versa? Yes.
The problem is not teasing and roasting. The problem is adults not teaching kids to do it well, so kids are on their own to figure it out on the playground away from adults.
It’s really hard for kids to learn how to do. Sometimes they don’t mean to hurt a feeling but they do. Sometimes they feel hurt but they smile. There are false signals thrown in. It’s all hard to figure out.
Don’t look at 60 roasting kids and assume they and their parents are all mean people who are ok with being mean. Those parents may be working on a skill set that frankly, may benefit your child to learn too.
When kids (or adults) are making fun of other kids for being "less than" in some way (struggling academically, being less athletic, having parents with less money, having fewer material things or as many experiences), they are being mean.
There is not some special skill for making fun of people for being or having less than you. This is mean, bullying behavior, no matter the age if the person doing it or how clever they are in doing it.
The proper response to a kid doing this is "don't, that is mean."
It's not "oh they just haven't figured out how to do this the way adults do it, where they couch it as a joke so they can pretend they don't mean it, or couch it as concern so it seems like they are trying to help, or they only discuss it behind your back so they can pretend never to have said it at all."
Did you watch the Friends clip? Do you ever watch Modern Family? People make fun of each other for something they might be sensitive about all the time.
Some adults hear kids do this and call it all mean. All that does is make the kids do it in secret. Sort of the same way girls group up and whisper in secret, a bunch of things that are snarky but a bunch that are not.
Kids who have adults figuring out whether their trash talk was out of jealousy or superiority or fun have a much better chance of teaching their kids to be good people (and good roasters).
You think people should behave like characters on sitcoms? You think that's the standard for human interaction?
Those aren't real people. Characters on sitcoms make fun of each other constantly because the people who write sitcoms are under pressure to ensure there are at least 3 jokes on every page of script. Literally, they count them, and they get notes from networks about upping just keep rates.
Jokes at another person's expense are mean, but easy. So if you need to produce humor, it's an easy target. Easier than social commentary. And much easier for performers than broad comedy or physical humor. It's also cheap.
So yes, people in sitcoms relentlessly "roast" each other and never get too mad about it (unless their anger might be funny). Because they aren't real people and because their whole job is to produce a laugh.
IRL, people have feelings, and that's mean.
Yes in my real life my friends, family and I are accepting of our flaws and make fun of ourselves and each other. It is not mean when it makes us feel good, understood and accepted.
It is mean when it hurts someone’s feelings. This is also how inner circles develop. You can’t be friends with someone who calls this blanket mean, especially when both recipient and deliverer partake joyfully.
Kids in 2nd grade don’t have inner circles. They don’t know what will make one kid feel great will make another cry sometimes until it happens. When they make mistakes, they should absolutely apologize. They sometimes don’t know how sensitive they are until they themselves have hurt feelings and cry.
You are assuming what you do is universal and accepted, and it's not.
Also, even in functional in-groups where teasing us ok, the precursor is love and full acceptance of one another. And enough knowledge to know what is off limits and not, plus how to repair when a line is crossed. It takes deep love and trust.
How do you build that live and trust? Kindness and empathy. So if you want your kids to come say understand how to tease a very close friend it family member correctly, you encourage kindness and empathy and discourage meanness. Their relationships will naturally become more sophisticated later, but the foundation isn't "roasting ." You start with kindness.
No, I’m not assuming what I do, how I feel, or how my relationships develop are universal. You are.
You’re assuming you know how 8yos feel enough to not tolerate roasting point blank. I’m saying that there are many times when roasting is wrong and inappropriate, and that kids make mistakes. And that the mistakes are developmental.
But you don’t have to take my word for it. There are child development experts and therapists who can help explain.
Your argument is that teasing and "roasting" (which is just a euphemism for making fun of someone) is normal and valuable in relationships. That's a value judgment you think is universally correct but what many people on this thread are saying is that they don't like it, not even in adults, not in close relationships.
And then you are passive aggressive about it, claiming people who do this "know how to laugh at themselves." That's a separate issue. All the kindest people I know, who do not go around taking the piss out of all their family and friends, have the ability to laugh at themselves. It's probably one of the reasons they are so kind -- they are accepting of themselves and their own faults and it makes them accepting of others faults as well. Making fun of someone because they struggle with something is not accepting. It's unkind.
You are just inventing a bunch of excuses for mean behavior and then acting like other people are simply not as evolved as you are. But what was your example of why this behavior is normal? Television sitcoms. You think because the characters on Friends or Modern Family are constantly making fun of each other, that's what a loving, accepting family or friend group looks like. That's fiction! IRL, close family and friends don't incessantly make jokes at one another's expense because that is mean, and functional relationships don't tolerate a lot of meanness in them.
And now you're claiming to be some kind of childhood development expert? Good lord. Parent your kids. Tell them it is unkind to make fun of other children. You don't need to sign them up for "roasting lessons" so that they learn to make fun of people in socially acceptable ways. That's a good way to turn your kid into a stand up comic, but it's not a good way to raise a kind, upstanding person.
You need to grow up.
First of all you’re talking to multiple posters.
No one’s saying you have to have relationships where you roast. What’s being said is that you can’t police everyone else’s relationships.
If your kid wants to never be roasted, that’s fine. Your child can refuse to not have any relationships that involve roasting and condemn all who do. Your child can have different types of friendships. However you can’t police every other child’s friendships.
It is up to you to conclude that every child who roasts is horrible as are their parents. I would say that you’re missing out on having nice, fun kids in your kids’ orbit.
Also to any parent who concludes that any school that allows this is horrible, good luck finding a “good” mainstream school.
DH is 45 and he and his friends “roast” one another. I mean they may be trash talking one another’s sports teams or how bad someone is at golf, but they all laugh about it.
That competing trash talking in sports plays down as kids get older. It may turn into straight up bullying if your kid is unathletic. It sounds like OP and others are talking about the norm sports trash talk though. I think this only happens when your kid is good enough to be trash talked about. If your kid didn’t play at all, then they would have nothing to talk about.
This type of competition never ends btw. My oldest is in high school. This time of year the kids know where they are heading to college and there seems to be a pecking order on how good of a college you are going to. We live in a competitive world.
Yeah “your college is lame and for stupid kids” is Friars Club worthy material. What an evolution.
“Roasting” is not a thing. It’s just moms who think having boys makes them superior or more understanding of their poorly chosen husbands making peace with their lives. Nit-picking little dick behavior is not cool, and these scenarios aren’t Barkley and Shaq equally having a go at each other. It’s stupid, it’s humorless, it’s mean, it’s something that separated and does not bond, and every idiot tripping over herself to celebrate this quality cries quietly and fires up a “disappointed” post in these forums on her birthday, Mother’s Day, and so on. It’s not about laughing at yourself at all, come on.
My oldest in HS is kind, soft spoken, humble and an extremely strong student and athlete. He is and was never the trash talking type. I also have a successful and wonderful husband. I had a perfect Mother’s Day.
My oldest has been the one trash talked to and he rose above it. Now he’s busy studying for his AP exams this week.
Some of these moms seem to be raising overly sensitive boys. There will be a long hard road for these 9yo boys if they can’t handle a little trash talking during sports.
Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.
I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.
Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.
Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.
Back up, we got a metaphor maker up in here!
This might be the best post in this thread. An unkind roast from someone who thinks all unkind roasts have to stop.
Ooh, we gotta thin-skinned mamma thinking she’s making a point, look at the steam puffing out of her! You can hear the gears grinding from space.
Please feel free to use bold, italic, asterisks, however you process, to show where Mama Bad Metaphor was critiqued for lack of football skills, being a bad runner, having poor parents, not having a real Stanley cup or Lululemon bag, getting only into not competitive schools, her appearance, or any of the other scenarios under discussion.
My DC don’t “roast,” yet it is legit hilarious how offended you claim to be. Parent your little dickheads. Try.
I’m not mad. I think it’s funny that there are people out there who are opposed to roasting but are ok with cursing, insults and… roasting.
Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.
I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.
Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.
Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.
Back up, we got a metaphor maker up in here!
This might be the best post in this thread. An unkind roast from someone who thinks all unkind roasts have to stop.
Ooh, we gotta thin-skinned mamma thinking she’s making a point, look at the steam puffing out of her! You can hear the gears grinding from space.
Please feel free to use bold, italic, asterisks, however you process, to show where Mama Bad Metaphor was critiqued for lack of football skills, being a bad runner, having poor parents, not having a real Stanley cup or Lululemon bag, getting only into not competitive schools, her appearance, or any of the other scenarios under discussion.
My DC don’t “roast,” yet it is legit hilarious how offended you claim to be. Parent your little dickheads. Try.
I’m not mad. I think it’s funny that there are people out there who are opposed to roasting but are ok with cursing, insults and… roasting.
We’re talking about elementary aged kids being encouraged to be asses to peers by their parents. “Elementary School-Aged Kids.” Are you elementary aged? Perhaps more to the point, what was ‘unkind’ in the several posts pointing out the poverty of that sanctimonious metaphor?
Anonymous wrote:I have a 4th grade boy. My kid does quite a bit of this. It's horrible. I hate it. I've tried everything. He tells me that all the boys do it and that it's funny and no one takes it seriously. The saddest thing is in the carpool some of the kids will be like "I stopped playing baseball because I'm trash at it, ha ha!" I don't know what else to do at this point, it's just baked into the culture.
I've repeatedly tried to talk to my son when I see more eggregious examples of this, but he just stomps off. I'm not sure punishing him would be helpful. Hopefully they grow out of it?
If you know your kid is doing this, I recommend you say look - it’s a no go for sports til you show us you’re cutting it out. You have two weeks to show us-work up to it or we start cutting it. I’m serious. If kids can’t meet expectations you have to say they can’t participate in the things they want to. If they aren’t going to be respectful of other kids and they won’t listen to you when you tell them to stop, they aren’t ready to participate in their activities. And they don’t go to practice, that’s how it is in our house at least. I tell them adults volunteer their time to run these things and if you aren’t going to be respectful then it’s my job to keep you home. You have two weeks to show us you are ready for somethig by actually implementing the asked for behavior. If you don’t do it, you clearly aren’t ready. And we reassess. If you just keep doing the same thing your kid knows they can keep doing the same behavior.
I’m pretty willy nilly on a lot of things, but I won’t raise a boy who treats people unkindly and doesn’t understand basic respect. It’s freaking hard out there so I’m with you pp, but I highly recommend you don’t go with just saying hope he grows out of it because he’s decided you don’t really think it’s that important when what is really more important than your kid learning how to treat others with basic kindness and respect? I mean it’s the basics. Don’t give up on it.
We just had this happen with an incident at school. And implemented this approach. We were lasered in. Told him this is fundamental in our family and your basic activities that we also love and enjoy with you are out the window if we don’t see two weeks of RESPECTFUL talk to all. Demonstrated. Walk the walk. I do not care what others are doing. Don’t give a flying hoo ha. You aren’t leaving my house, going to activities, acting like a jerk
They will just hide it from you more/not get caught. I also hate this, but see it coming from every boy I interact with.
Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.
I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.
Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.
Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.
Back up, we got a metaphor maker up in here!
This might be the best post in this thread. An unkind roast from someone who thinks all unkind roasts have to stop.
Ooh, we gotta thin-skinned mamma thinking she’s making a point, look at the steam puffing out of her! You can hear the gears grinding from space.
Please feel free to use bold, italic, asterisks, however you process, to show where Mama Bad Metaphor was critiqued for lack of football skills, being a bad runner, having poor parents, not having a real Stanley cup or Lululemon bag, getting only into not competitive schools, her appearance, or any of the other scenarios under discussion.
My DC don’t “roast,” yet it is legit hilarious how offended you claim to be. Parent your little dickheads. Try.
I’m not mad. I think it’s funny that there are people out there who are opposed to roasting but are ok with cursing, insults and… roasting.
Not the pp but I have two athletic boys and a daughter. There are a lot of thin skinned parents and kids here.
Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.
I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.
Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.
Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.
Back up, we got a metaphor maker up in here!
This might be the best post in this thread. An unkind roast from someone who thinks all unkind roasts have to stop.
Ooh, we gotta thin-skinned mamma thinking she’s making a point, look at the steam puffing out of her! You can hear the gears grinding from space.
Please feel free to use bold, italic, asterisks, however you process, to show where Mama Bad Metaphor was critiqued for lack of football skills, being a bad runner, having poor parents, not having a real Stanley cup or Lululemon bag, getting only into not competitive schools, her appearance, or any of the other scenarios under discussion.
My DC don’t “roast,” yet it is legit hilarious how offended you claim to be. Parent your little dickheads. Try.
I’m not mad. I think it’s funny that there are people out there who are opposed to roasting but are ok with cursing, insults and… roasting.
We’re talking about elementary aged kids being encouraged to be asses to peers by their parents. “Elementary School-Aged Kids.” Are you elementary aged? Perhaps more to the point, what was ‘unkind’ in the several posts pointing out the poverty of that sanctimonious metaphor?
Unfortunately, there is a lot of mean behavior. Kids can be mean about cultural differences, academic ability, money, looks and yes, sports. I actually think sports trash talking seems the least offensive of all the things a kid can be teased or bullied about.
Anonymous wrote:I have personally seen this in girls as well as boys. I can't tell if it's just the culture at our elementary school or what, but the kids are super mean to each other (we are leaving after this year, for several reasons, but honestly this aspect of the culture is part of it).
I have seen boys and girls "roast" other kids for offenses like needing after school tutoring, being slower than other kids in gym, not being familiar with some tv show/movie/video game, having parents who aren't as well off. My kids have also told me about teasing that happens because a child expresses any ambition (i.e. making fun of a kid who says they want to be a doctor when they grow up) or for being unfamiliar with terms related to drugs or sex (yes, I know, again -- we are leaving).
Some of the kids also attempt to roast adults.
It seems to start around 2nd grade at the school (our oldest is in 2nd) though I saw some of it in 1st. However, in 1st, teachers would say something about it and at least some of the other parents would also speak up. Now no one seems to care. Some adults seem to think it's a positive thing, a way for kids to show confidence and be "resilient."
I'm totally baffled. At first I was shocked but now I'm just confused. Why would you raise kids like this? Separately, teachers and some parents complain about "behavioral issues" at school, by which they mean kids who push or shove or make scenes in class. To me it's all obviously connected. These kids are not being taught to be respectful of other people, or that their actions can negatively effect others and they have a responsibility to work on themselves and be better.
Do I tease my kids? Yes. Do my friends make fun of me? Yes. Do my kids make fun of their friends and vice versa? Yes.
The problem is not teasing and roasting. The problem is adults not teaching kids to do it well, so kids are on their own to figure it out on the playground away from adults.
It’s really hard for kids to learn how to do. Sometimes they don’t mean to hurt a feeling but they do. Sometimes they feel hurt but they smile. There are false signals thrown in. It’s all hard to figure out.
Don’t look at 60 roasting kids and assume they and their parents are all mean people who are ok with being mean. Those parents may be working on a skill set that frankly, may benefit your child to learn too.
When kids (or adults) are making fun of other kids for being "less than" in some way (struggling academically, being less athletic, having parents with less money, having fewer material things or as many experiences), they are being mean.
There is not some special skill for making fun of people for being or having less than you. This is mean, bullying behavior, no matter the age if the person doing it or how clever they are in doing it.
The proper response to a kid doing this is "don't, that is mean."
It's not "oh they just haven't figured out how to do this the way adults do it, where they couch it as a joke so they can pretend they don't mean it, or couch it as concern so it seems like they are trying to help, or they only discuss it behind your back so they can pretend never to have said it at all."
Did you watch the Friends clip? Do you ever watch Modern Family? People make fun of each other for something they might be sensitive about all the time.
Some adults hear kids do this and call it all mean. All that does is make the kids do it in secret. Sort of the same way girls group up and whisper in secret, a bunch of things that are snarky but a bunch that are not.
Kids who have adults figuring out whether their trash talk was out of jealousy or superiority or fun have a much better chance of teaching their kids to be good people (and good roasters).
You think people should behave like characters on sitcoms? You think that's the standard for human interaction?
Those aren't real people. Characters on sitcoms make fun of each other constantly because the people who write sitcoms are under pressure to ensure there are at least 3 jokes on every page of script. Literally, they count them, and they get notes from networks about upping just keep rates.
Jokes at another person's expense are mean, but easy. So if you need to produce humor, it's an easy target. Easier than social commentary. And much easier for performers than broad comedy or physical humor. It's also cheap.
So yes, people in sitcoms relentlessly "roast" each other and never get too mad about it (unless their anger might be funny). Because they aren't real people and because their whole job is to produce a laugh.
IRL, people have feelings, and that's mean.
Yes in my real life my friends, family and I are accepting of our flaws and make fun of ourselves and each other. It is not mean when it makes us feel good, understood and accepted.
It is mean when it hurts someone’s feelings. This is also how inner circles develop. You can’t be friends with someone who calls this blanket mean, especially when both recipient and deliverer partake joyfully.
Kids in 2nd grade don’t have inner circles. They don’t know what will make one kid feel great will make another cry sometimes until it happens. When they make mistakes, they should absolutely apologize. They sometimes don’t know how sensitive they are until they themselves have hurt feelings and cry.
You are assuming what you do is universal and accepted, and it's not.
Also, even in functional in-groups where teasing us ok, the precursor is love and full acceptance of one another. And enough knowledge to know what is off limits and not, plus how to repair when a line is crossed. It takes deep love and trust.
How do you build that live and trust? Kindness and empathy. So if you want your kids to come say understand how to tease a very close friend it family member correctly, you encourage kindness and empathy and discourage meanness. Their relationships will naturally become more sophisticated later, but the foundation isn't "roasting ." You start with kindness.
No, I’m not assuming what I do, how I feel, or how my relationships develop are universal. You are.
You’re assuming you know how 8yos feel enough to not tolerate roasting point blank. I’m saying that there are many times when roasting is wrong and inappropriate, and that kids make mistakes. And that the mistakes are developmental.
But you don’t have to take my word for it. There are child development experts and therapists who can help explain.
Your argument is that teasing and "roasting" (which is just a euphemism for making fun of someone) is normal and valuable in relationships. That's a value judgment you think is universally correct but what many people on this thread are saying is that they don't like it, not even in adults, not in close relationships.
And then you are passive aggressive about it, claiming people who do this "know how to laugh at themselves." That's a separate issue. All the kindest people I know, who do not go around taking the piss out of all their family and friends, have the ability to laugh at themselves. It's probably one of the reasons they are so kind -- they are accepting of themselves and their own faults and it makes them accepting of others faults as well. Making fun of someone because they struggle with something is not accepting. It's unkind.
You are just inventing a bunch of excuses for mean behavior and then acting like other people are simply not as evolved as you are. But what was your example of why this behavior is normal? Television sitcoms. You think because the characters on Friends or Modern Family are constantly making fun of each other, that's what a loving, accepting family or friend group looks like. That's fiction! IRL, close family and friends don't incessantly make jokes at one another's expense because that is mean, and functional relationships don't tolerate a lot of meanness in them.
And now you're claiming to be some kind of childhood development expert? Good lord. Parent your kids. Tell them it is unkind to make fun of other children. You don't need to sign them up for "roasting lessons" so that they learn to make fun of people in socially acceptable ways. That's a good way to turn your kid into a stand up comic, but it's not a good way to raise a kind, upstanding person.
You need to grow up.
First of all you’re talking to multiple posters.
No one’s saying you have to have relationships where you roast. What’s being said is that you can’t police everyone else’s relationships.
If your kid wants to never be roasted, that’s fine. Your child can refuse to not have any relationships that involve roasting and condemn all who do. Your child can have different types of friendships. However you can’t police every other child’s friendships.
It is up to you to conclude that every child who roasts is horrible as are their parents. I would say that you’re missing out on having nice, fun kids in your kids’ orbit.
Also to any parent who concludes that any school that allows this is horrible, good luck finding a “good” mainstream school.
DH is 45 and he and his friends “roast” one another. I mean they may be trash talking one another’s sports teams or how bad someone is at golf, but they all laugh about it.
That competing trash talking in sports plays down as kids get older. It may turn into straight up bullying if your kid is unathletic. It sounds like OP and others are talking about the norm sports trash talk though. I think this only happens when your kid is good enough to be trash talked about. If your kid didn’t play at all, then they would have nothing to talk about.
This type of competition never ends btw. My oldest is in high school. This time of year the kids know where they are heading to college and there seems to be a pecking order on how good of a college you are going to. We live in a competitive world.
Yeah “your college is lame and for stupid kids” is Friars Club worthy material. What an evolution.
“Roasting” is not a thing. It’s just moms who think having boys makes them superior or more understanding of their poorly chosen husbands making peace with their lives. Nit-picking little dick behavior is not cool, and these scenarios aren’t Barkley and Shaq equally having a go at each other. It’s stupid, it’s humorless, it’s mean, it’s something that separated and does not bond, and every idiot tripping over herself to celebrate this quality cries quietly and fires up a “disappointed” post in these forums on her birthday, Mother’s Day, and so on. It’s not about laughing at yourself at all, come on.
My oldest in HS is kind, soft spoken, humble and an extremely strong student and athlete. He is and was never the trash talking type. I also have a successful and wonderful husband. I had a perfect Mother’s Day.
My oldest has been the one trash talked to and he rose above it. Now he’s busy studying for his AP exams this week.
Some of these moms seem to be raising overly sensitive boys. There will be a long hard road for these 9yo boys if they can’t handle a little trash talking during sports.
It would be nice if people taught the reality that this is likely going to happen especially during competitive events but also socially and instead of dwelling on these issues to just rise above it and be a good person and a good friend rather than getting involved either as a victim or perpetrator.
Yes and no. I have two boys. Both athletes and good students.
Boys are competitive. They are hard wired for it. But I think parenting and good communities keep them in their lanes. If there are failures, it's usually because the parents suck or there's a bad peer group of poorly parented students.
I came up in the 80s and 90s. We were way worse then this generation of kids. They all seem really nice these days.
Certainly not ALL boys. And also, plenty of girls are competitive too. Don't generalize, it's not helpful to having this conversation.
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