Why do we tolerate trash talking and elitism as "boys will be boys" behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.

I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.

Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.

Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.

Back up, we got a metaphor maker up in here!

This might be the best post in this thread. An unkind roast from someone who thinks all unkind roasts have to stop.

Ooh, we gotta thin-skinned mamma thinking she’s making a point, look at the steam puffing out of her! You can hear the gears grinding from space.

Please feel free to use bold, italic, asterisks, however you process, to show where Mama Bad Metaphor was critiqued for lack of football skills, being a bad runner, having poor parents, not having a real Stanley cup or Lululemon bag, getting only into not competitive schools, her appearance, or any of the other scenarios under discussion.

My DC don’t “roast,” yet it is legit hilarious how offended you claim to be. Parent your little dickheads. Try.

I’m not mad. I think it’s funny that there are people out there who are opposed to roasting but are ok with cursing, insults and… roasting.

Not the pp but I have two athletic boys and a daughter. There are a lot of thin skinned parents and kids here.

Knowing how to deal with it is a lot different than condoning it or, worse, encouraging it as a form of social development.

Yes, the world is a mean place. But you don’t have to be a source of meanness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son does this, and I hate it so much. Whenever I hear him trash a friend or teammate, I shut it down, even if it is in front of his peers. DH does the same. We have zero tolerance in our home and cars for negative talk.

But do you shut down that kind of talking when it's your kid's friends/classmates/teammates who do it? My kid never says anything mean or bullying in my presence but his friends are big trash talkers. If they are in my carpool, I will ask them to only speak kindly to each other. But my kid is only in 4th grade. I'm sure it'll get harder to ask his friends to be nice as they get older and I know my son hates it when I correct his friends so I don't want to embarrass him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.

I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.

Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.

Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.

Back up, we got a metaphor maker up in here!

This might be the best post in this thread. An unkind roast from someone who thinks all unkind roasts have to stop.

Ooh, we gotta thin-skinned mamma thinking she’s making a point, look at the steam puffing out of her! You can hear the gears grinding from space.

Please feel free to use bold, italic, asterisks, however you process, to show where Mama Bad Metaphor was critiqued for lack of football skills, being a bad runner, having poor parents, not having a real Stanley cup or Lululemon bag, getting only into not competitive schools, her appearance, or any of the other scenarios under discussion.

My DC don’t “roast,” yet it is legit hilarious how offended you claim to be. Parent your little dickheads. Try.

It’s ok to call children dickheads?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because boys WILL be boys. And girls WILL be girls. The meme gets it right.
Two boys talking:
Boy 1: "Fake insult"
Boy 2: "Fake insult"

Two girls talking:
Girl 1: "Fake compliment"
Girl 2: "Fake compliment"

I'll hang with the boys any day.

This.

Is why I prefer male friends over other women.
Women are catty and downright evil much more than men are.
Men are more blunt and straightforward, at least the masculine manly types usually are moreso.

This has not been my experience. I'm sorry it's been yours I really value my female friendships with kind, genuine, thoughtful women. My husband is wonderful and we have a very deep connection but most other men I know (including my good female friends' husbands) are shallow and kind of one-dimensional. I couldn't ever have a real emotional connection with any of them. So I guess it really just depends on the individuals you know and not generally that women are catty. I think it also depends what kind of job you have. When I worked as a teacher, women weren't catty. When I worked in social services, women weren't catty. When I worked a more corporate type of job, women were catty. When my daughter went to a fancy ballet studio, the other moms were catty. When my daughter did rec center ballet, the other moms were not catty. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because boys WILL be boys. And girls WILL be girls. The meme gets it right.
Two boys talking:
Boy 1: "Fake insult"
Boy 2: "Fake insult"

Two girls talking:
Girl 1: "Fake compliment"
Girl 2: "Fake compliment"

I'll hang with the boys any day.

This.

Is why I prefer male friends over other women.
Women are catty and downright evil much more than men are.
Men are more blunt and straightforward, at least the masculine manly types usually are moreso.

This has not been my experience. I'm sorry it's been yours I really value my female friendships with kind, genuine, thoughtful women. My husband is wonderful and we have a very deep connection but most other men I know (including my good female friends' husbands) are shallow and kind of one-dimensional. I couldn't ever have a real emotional connection with any of them. So I guess it really just depends on the individuals you know and not generally that women are catty. I think it also depends what kind of job you have. When I worked as a teacher, women weren't catty. When I worked in social services, women weren't catty. When I worked a more corporate type of job, women were catty. When my daughter went to a fancy ballet studio, the other moms were catty. When my daughter did rec center ballet, the other moms were not catty. Etc.

I think there’s a mom on here who came to anonymously post about dickhead children while telling others to parent who may disprove your point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.

I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.

Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.

Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.

Back up, we got a metaphor maker up in here!

This might be the best post in this thread. An unkind roast from someone who thinks all unkind roasts have to stop.

Ooh, we gotta thin-skinned mamma thinking she’s making a point, look at the steam puffing out of her! You can hear the gears grinding from space.

Please feel free to use bold, italic, asterisks, however you process, to show where Mama Bad Metaphor was critiqued for lack of football skills, being a bad runner, having poor parents, not having a real Stanley cup or Lululemon bag, getting only into not competitive schools, her appearance, or any of the other scenarios under discussion.

My DC don’t “roast,” yet it is legit hilarious how offended you claim to be. Parent your little dickheads. Try.

It’s ok to call children dickheads?

Yes. Is it calling them dicks to their faces? No. Feel free to grab your spirited son and show him the whole thread, though.

[Anonymous]

Most men you know? I am sorry this has been your experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because boys WILL be boys. And girls WILL be girls. The meme gets it right.
Two boys talking:
Boy 1: "Fake insult"
Boy 2: "Fake insult"

Two girls talking:
Girl 1: "Fake compliment"
Girl 2: "Fake compliment"

I'll hang with the boys any day.

This.

Is why I prefer male friends over other women.
Women are catty and downright evil much more than men are.
Men are more blunt and straightforward, at least the masculine manly types usually are moreso.

This has not been my experience. I'm sorry it's been yours I really value my female friendships with kind, genuine, thoughtful women. My husband is wonderful and we have a very deep connection but most other men I know (including my good female friends' husbands) are shallow and kind of one-dimensional. I couldn't ever have a real emotional connection with any of them. So I guess it really just depends on the individuals you know and not generally that women are catty. I think it also depends what kind of job you have. When I worked as a teacher, women weren't catty. When I worked in social services, women weren't catty. When I worked a more corporate type of job, women were catty. When my daughter went to a fancy ballet studio, the other moms were catty. When my daughter did rec center ballet, the other moms were not catty. Etc.

I think there’s a mom on here who came to anonymously post about dickhead children while telling others to parent who may disprove your point.

It must only be my screen, but I missed your name. (I have my guesses).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because boys WILL be boys. And girls WILL be girls. The meme gets it right.
Two boys talking:
Boy 1: "Fake insult"
Boy 2: "Fake insult"

Two girls talking:
Girl 1: "Fake compliment"
Girl 2: "Fake compliment"

I'll hang with the boys any day.

This.

Is why I prefer male friends over other women.
Women are catty and downright evil much more than men are.
Men are more blunt and straightforward, at least the masculine manly types usually are moreso.

This has not been my experience. I'm sorry it's been yours I really value my female friendships with kind, genuine, thoughtful women. My husband is wonderful and we have a very deep connection but most other men I know (including my good female friends' husbands) are shallow and kind of one-dimensional. I couldn't ever have a real emotional connection with any of them. So I guess it really just depends on the individuals you know and not generally that women are catty. I think it also depends what kind of job you have. When I worked as a teacher, women weren't catty. When I worked in social services, women weren't catty. When I worked a more corporate type of job, women were catty. When my daughter went to a fancy ballet studio, the other moms were catty. When my daughter did rec center ballet, the other moms were not catty. Etc.

I think there’s a mom on here who came to anonymously post about dickhead children while telling others to parent who may disprove your point.

It must only be my screen, but I missed your name. (I have my guesses).

I didn’t say I’m like you. I’m saying that if you’re on an anonymous site making snarky comments you’re not as kind as you think you are. This site is abbreviated DCUM for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.

I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.

Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.

Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.

Back up, we got a metaphor maker up in here!

This might be the best post in this thread. An unkind roast from someone who thinks all unkind roasts have to stop.

Ooh, we gotta thin-skinned mamma thinking she’s making a point, look at the steam puffing out of her! You can hear the gears grinding from space.

Please feel free to use bold, italic, asterisks, however you process, to show where Mama Bad Metaphor was critiqued for lack of football skills, being a bad runner, having poor parents, not having a real Stanley cup or Lululemon bag, getting only into not competitive schools, her appearance, or any of the other scenarios under discussion.

My DC don’t “roast,” yet it is legit hilarious how offended you claim to be. Parent your little dickheads. Try.

It’s ok to call children dickheads?

Yes. Is it calling them dicks to their faces? No. Feel free to grab your spirited son and show him the whole thread, though.

Why isn’t it ok to call them that to their faces? Or tell parents to their faces that their kids are dickheads? Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been doing rec. team sports since kindergarten, and all the trash talking that I hear so far are from those kids playing team sports ,especially at basketball practice/game from a few white families. Those boys are so mean and unkind, and they are not the best players. They talk down other kids to make them look better. We have moved our boy to another teams in rec. basketball and rec. soccer that are played by many indians/Asians/black, the atmosphere is really nice and friendly. Minorites parents treat rec. sports as exercise and social play, not s gateway to get college scholarship. I think serious players at elite or travel team may behave a lot better because they really love the sports.

it's the exact opposite where we live. I don't know why but this has been our experience and I wish it wasn't because I hate that it plays into bad stereotypes...our kid who plays rec sports and was on a majority white basketball team last winter and a majority white soccer team last fall has had several experiences with mostly black and Latino teams where the kids were incredibly mean, cursing constantly, intentional fouls, etc. I hate to see it because I know it's the parents' and coaches' fault and not the kids but no one was correctly them.

[Anonymous]

The bro dads and cheerleader moms of our neighborhood have the meanest kids- daughters and sons. To keep up, I've noticed now that my oldest is in 4th grade that even the "nicer" kids from "nicer" families are also adopting this trash talking culture. I hate it. It's so much easier to just be kind. I've stopped letting my son invite some kids over for playdates or to carpool with us because they are such bad trash talkers and just rude, negative kids. It's not the kids' fault so I don't want to punish them but I also can't be parenting everyone else's kids and when they're over at our house or in the car with us, I feel the need to correct them and then it embarrasses my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can try to explain the weather to the people who you see fruitlessly arguing with it, but some of those people are going to think you’re holding back the sunshine.

I was a lackluster athlete whose kid was hurt by roasts. By I’m not going to switch my kids’ schools over it, because roasts are there too. I’m not going to switch countries, because I’ve lived all over the world, and it’s global.

Go ahead and blame, judge and be angry. It’s still going to rain.

Personally I think it’s better to understand the weather, predict it and grab an umbrella, but I guess that’s just me.

Back up, we got a metaphor maker up in here!

This might be the best post in this thread. An unkind roast from someone who thinks all unkind roasts have to stop.

Ooh, we gotta thin-skinned mamma thinking she’s making a point, look at the steam puffing out of her! You can hear the gears grinding from space.

Please feel free to use bold, italic, asterisks, however you process, to show where Mama Bad Metaphor was critiqued for lack of football skills, being a bad runner, having poor parents, not having a real Stanley cup or Lululemon bag, getting only into not competitive schools, her appearance, or any of the other scenarios under discussion.

My DC don’t “roast,” yet it is legit hilarious how offended you claim to be. Parent your little dickheads. Try.

It’s ok to call children dickheads?

Yes. Is it calling them dicks to their faces? No. Feel free to grab your spirited son and show him the whole thread, though.

I don’t think you’re anti-roasting if you think it’s ok to call kids things like dickheads but only behind their backs.

[Anonymous]

The negative “roasting” that I’ve heard of is using the stereotypes of male athletes being dumb as bricks and softball players being lesbians, sometimes they include the female basketball players as being gay.

I don’t think elementary school kids have the ability not to cross the line into just being mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are missing the "elitism" part of OP's comment.

This isn't about close friends ribbing each other because of that time one of them mispronounced "great" as "grafe" and then it winds up becoming an inside joke that is, yes, at your friend's expense but is really more about remembering how hard that made you all laugh when it happened.

This is about kids who say stuff to other kids like "whatever, you don't even have a PS5, you're lame." Or "haha Theo is slow, so glad we can do travel soccer now and don't have to play with him." Or "your parents are broke, those shoes look like you got them out of a garbage bin." None of this is friendly roasting. It's just rude, unkind, arrogant, elitist behavior. It is immaturity, but it's the kind that you have to intervene on early and often to curb them of this impulse to put others down in order to build themselves up.

It's fine for kids to make jokes and yes, sometimes they will make a joke thinking it's fine and instead they'll try to make a "grafe" style joke and instead their friend will cry because they are kids and that kid might not have realized we're all laughing together on this. That's normal.

But it is not normal and should not be acceptable for kids to put down other kids for their intelligence, looks, weight, SES level, or athletic ability. Anymore than it would be acceptable to make fun of a kid for their skin color. It's just a hard no. If your kid is making fun of a classmate for being fat or slow or dumb, your kid is being a jerk and you need to intervene and set them straight. Not send them to comedy school.

This +1

There’s a major difference between being a jerk who puts down others to make themself feel better, and friends who take jabs at each other. To an outside observer who happens to overhear— they might *seem* the same—but it’s really not.

But also kids can and do go a bit too far and hurt someone’s feelings unintentionally.

That’s where Larlo needs to stand up for himself and say something like “hey, that’s not cool bro. Can you not make a joke like that?” Even after the fact in a one on one conversation if the joke was initially in a group setting. Not sit there and ruminate after laughing it off—no body is a mind reader.

And then the kid who said the hurtful joke needs to apologize,, make clear they didn’t mean to offend, and then make a mental note that “Making a joke about Larlo and ‘____’ is off limits”. Not get defensive and play it off as “wow Larlo, you can’t take a joke. Get over it dude.”

These are good social skills that some kids might need to be taught and/or reminded of if they aren’t super socially savvy.

My kid lost and shifted friend groups a lot around age 11-12. The better athletes move up at this age and you are either HS team material or still rec. Many kids quit rec sports by middle school. Not all the trash talking kids move up. My kid went from the kid hearing a lot of trash talking kids to one of the better athletes at his school. I have tried to coach him to be kind. I don’t think or hope he doesn’t say mean things to the unathletic kids. I believe he doesn’t hang out with them so much in middle school. The athletic boys start hanging out together.

Exactly be best. Trash talk or die of embarrassment cause you are “still rec” (the horror!!!)🧟‍♂️

Well that’s pretty sarcastic, negative, judgmental and mean.

But your comment doesn’t bother me. It smells of insecurity, which I can understand, as feeling insecure is very human. It also seems like you’re struggling with something.

All of that said, I think there’s a decent chance you think you’re a good person. I can imagine you may have friends, and you might make jokes together about these sorts of things, maybe even making fun of the kids who believe in travel vs rec. It might come across as mean to some people, but it’s human for friends to understand each others’ insecurities and rather than figure them out, try to make some amorphous group — society? Trash talking kids? Feel bad about the pressure you feel.

Not every conversation has to be done in a perfectly therapeutic way, especially amongst kids, especially when grownups can’t model the same. Also who wants to be friends with someone who’s therapeutically empathetic all the time?

Correct it was BERY sarcastic but did you not notice that your adjective for rec had a judgmental modifier? I’m sure your attitude toward this trickles down to your kid. The rest of your post is an attempt to justify why you think that is okay.

PS I don’t think I’m nice especially on here. I do like to call out when people post things that have blatant hypocrisy in them.

Like when you said “still rec” and “I catch my kid being kind” consider yourself caught being unkind. And see where your biases may be passed on to your kid. Your words in your post belied your true feelings whatever you may say to your kid.