My husband doesn't want kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP ignore the people talking about how you're so old. Many of us had kids in mid/late 30s and beyond. You would need to date intentionally if you want to find a serious relationship and marriage again soon, but it's very likely to work out.

And bluntly I see no downside to leaving. Worst case OP doesn't get married in time and doesn't have kids. Well this dud of a DH doesn't want them anyway. I would personally never get over my resentment of having been lied to and the person denying me something so important (which is different from infertility etc). I wouldn't want to live with such a person and waste my life.

+1. 31 is too early to give up on having kids. If you choose to stay now you’ll be 35 and kicking yourself for not leaving when you were 31.

He knew you wanted kids and married you knowing he doesn’t. That’s really messed up and I don’t think someone who lies about something like that can be a good partner in the long term, kids or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So what if there is an increase of .5 to 1 percent at 40 of a chromosonal abnormality? That is hardly an increase overall. You need to understand math better. There is nothing scary about these charts at all. Women have been having kids into their late 30s and early 40s for 100s of years.

The OP literally has 10 years before she needs to freak out.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no one has focused on OPS language: “I couldn’t have been clearer and he agreed.” Note that she doesn’t say “and he said he wanted them too.“

Not so sure he “changed his mind.”

Who gives a shit? She’s 31 and can still have kids elsewhere!!! Run OP!!

I am not saying she should or shouldn’t. What I am saying is that it’s not necessarily fair to blame the guy. It sounds like OP went into the marriage with a lot of wishful thinking.

Who cares about blame. She is on the tail end of fertility and he is playing games and wasting her time.

But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

Huh? 31 is not the tail end of fertility. She has plenty of time, and suggesting she stay and actively have children with someone who specifically said they didn't want them is NOT a good plan.

1 year divorce, 3 years to find someone, 1 year to get married, 2 years of marriage before having kids.

That's 37 years. Kids at 38 years old is how you end up with kids with ASD or Downs.

You are an idiot.

+1. That poster might be 60+. I am 47. Many people I know had their first kids 40-42. All the kids are fine. I had an accident baby from sex one time at 34 and then again at 37 (yes, I was married...). People have kids all the time at 38-44 and not problems people assume. Ridiculous.

Your anecdote does not change the data about the increased risks of having kids at advanced maternal age.

It is not an anecdote. Maybe you should start reading. The fertility cliff at 35 is a myth. Numerous articles have been written about it. Most new moms here are mid to late 30s.

https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/well/health/fertility-myths-debunked
https://slate.com/technology/2020/08/fertility-cliff-advanced-maternal-age-outdated.html
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/apr/10/fertility-cliff-age-35-week-in-patriarchy
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/uk/collective/long-reads/a44642061/does-your-fertility-really-fall-off-a-cliff-when-you-hit-35/

there are literally hundreds of articles about this.

[Anonymous]

Agree. Don't let that chart scare you. Also, when you find the right partner, if pregnancy does ot work out, you can adopt. That said, I have two very healthy kids that were born when I was 35 and 37. I got pregnant with my first on the first month trying and with my second the second month trying (and I had only had one period post-nursing when I started trying). BUT, if OP sticks around for 5 years and then decides to leave, well, then things get dicier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So what if there is an increase of .5 to 1 percent at 40 of a chromosonal abnormality? That is hardly an increase overall. You need to understand math better. There is nothing scary about these charts at all. Women have been having kids into their late 30s and early 40s for 100s of years.

The OP literally has 10 years before she needs to freak out.

The chart was not posted to scare.

I’m in team leave him, find a good father, try for children. Hope for the best.

And OP shouldn’t freak out if she never conceives; women have been not having kids for 100s of years, it’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for divorce. Forgoing a family is not something you should have to miss out on.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, leave. I met my husband at 32 and we had twins (spontaneous, actually) at 34. I'm not saying that will happen for you but I would never have kids with someone who didn't really want them. I divorced my first husband not because of that but I'm so glad I did because now I have the life I wanted (and it's been 15 years).

[Anonymous]

You can get this marriage annulled. He married you on fraudulent terms. 31 is not too old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Devil’s advocate: why not have a kid, since he is willing, and see how it goes?

He might do a 180 and fall in love when the kid is born. I did that (as a woman). I was ambivalent before and planned one mostly because due to social convention.

Or if he’s terrible, well at least you’ll get custody and some spousal support, which is better than doing it alone.

Disagree, obviously OP is someone who wants to be married and have a traditional 2-parent fam w kids, and doing this would make it monumentally more difficult to meet a new person who would be the kind of partner she wants

[Anonymous]

No most definitely do not bring any child into this marriage if your husband has told you that he will not be “invested” in them - this would be wholly unfair.

And I would also not give up your dream of becoming a Mother due to your husband’s change of heart.

If having children is important to you, then your best bet is to divorce your husband & move on to hopefully 🤞🏽 finding someone to share your life with who shares your desire to start a family with.

I wish you all the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way he changed his mind in 8 months which means he was lying to you all along and trapped you into marriage.

Divorce. This is a big thing to lie about on his part. It’s only been 8 months, it and run. Do not have kids with this guy thinking he’ll change his mind when he sees how cute they are or sees himself in them.

I lean towards divorcing him too.

But why couldn't he change his mind in 8 months? How long does it take to change one's mind about having children?

A year?

5 years?

In fact a longer period might seem odder still--after agreeing he wanted kids and talking about it for 5 year, he then changes his mind. Perhaps something about being married to her (no shade on OP) changed his mind.

[Anonymous]

Either he doesn’t want kids at all or he doesn’t want to have them with OP. Either way she should not waste even a minute more of her fertility on this man if her dream is to have a family and children.
Also remember that your husband doesn’t really have to worry about his clock ticking. The worst cases I have seen are where the man refuses to have children with his current partner and then does an about-face when he meets someone new. Don’t put yourself in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So what if there is an increase of .5 to 1 percent at 40 of a chromosonal abnormality? That is hardly an increase overall. You need to understand math better. There is nothing scary about these charts at all. Women have been having kids into their late 30s and early 40s for 100s of years.

The OP literally has 10 years before she needs to freak out.

You've got to be someone with little exposure to kids with significant special needs. And you can't test for many of them in utero, like ASD. These graphs should scare you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no one has focused on OPS language: “I couldn’t have been clearer and he agreed.” Note that she doesn’t say “and he said he wanted them too.“

Not so sure he “changed his mind.”

Who gives a shit? She’s 31 and can still have kids elsewhere!!! Run OP!!

I am not saying she should or shouldn’t. What I am saying is that it’s not necessarily fair to blame the guy. It sounds like OP went into the marriage with a lot of wishful thinking.

Who cares about blame. She is on the tail end of fertility and he is playing games and wasting her time.

But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

Huh? 31 is not the tail end of fertility. She has plenty of time, and suggesting she stay and actively have children with someone who specifically said they didn't want them is NOT a good plan.

1 year divorce, 3 years to find someone, 1 year to get married, 2 years of marriage before having kids.

That's 37 years. Kids at 38 years old is how you end up with kids with ASD or Downs.

You are an idiot.

+1. That poster might be 60+. I am 47. Many people I know had their first kids 40-42. All the kids are fine. I had an accident baby from sex one time at 34 and then again at 37 (yes, I was married...). People have kids all the time at 38-44 and not problems people assume. Ridiculous.

Your anecdote does not change the data about the increased risks of having kids at advanced maternal age.

It is not an anecdote. Maybe you should start reading. The fertility cliff at 35 is a myth. Numerous articles have been written about it. Most new moms here are mid to late 30s.

https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/well/health/fertility-myths-debunked
https://slate.com/technology/2020/08/fertility-cliff-advanced-maternal-age-outdated.html
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/apr/10/fertility-cliff-age-35-week-in-patriarchy
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/uk/collective/long-reads/a44642061/does-your-fertility-really-fall-off-a-cliff-when-you-hit-35/

there are literally hundreds of articles about this.

And the number of children with special needs is skyrocketing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Devil’s advocate: why not have a kid, since he is willing, and see how it goes?

He might do a 180 and fall in love when the kid is born. I did that (as a woman). I was ambivalent before and planned one mostly because due to social convention.

Or if he’s terrible, well at least you’ll get custody and some spousal support, which is better than doing it alone.

Don't be a crappy parent who willing brings a child into this.

Eh, I bullied my DH into two kids and he is the best dad (and husband) ever and fully admits I was right and he’s glad I forced him.