My husband doesn't want kids

[Anonymous]

My ex waited until our kid was 4 years old to reveal he never wanted to be a parent. This was after his ongoing affair was discovered. He was stuck in a lifestyle he never wanted.

[Anonymous]

Do you love your husband? If so then you owe it to yourself to at least explore the impasse in marriage counseling. My husband wasn’t sure he wanted kids when I told him I did. But once I became pregnant he was extremely supportive and has been an amazing father.

[Anonymous]

You are incompatible as a couple.

He is a liar.

You were clear. He was deceptive. He knows how important this is to you. What you want has never been and never will be important to him.

Be gone before the holidays.

[Anonymous]

He showed you who he is (a liar). Believe him and move on.

[Anonymous]

1 year divorce, 3 years to find someone, 1 year to get married, 2 years of marriage before having kids.

That's 37 years. Kids at 38 years old is how you end up with kids with ASD or Downs.

You don’t need this much time to meet someone or decide to marry when you’re older. Met dh in the fall of 2007; married early summer 2009; kids late 2009 and 2012.

[Anonymous]

End it. I am so sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that nobody has asked the question about whether the guy has admitted to lying or whether he’s just freaking out and has cold feet. My wife and I planned on kids and bought a house with enough bedrooms and in a school district we wanted. But when it come to our agreed-to time to start “trying”, she freaked out and decided that she didn’t want kids. It cost us a year but she came back around to it and we have a great kid.

This is important. DW always said she wanted kids but early in our marriage floated the idea of not having kids because she was having so much fun. Many children later, that moment of a changed mind is long forgotten--she probably wouldn't even admit to saying it today.

OP should not waste a year on DH, but should spend a week to get a straight answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i think this is grounds for divorce.

if he changed his mind ... maybe. but it sounds like he lied to you.

No one needs grounds for divorce. Anyone can divorce at any time. She should divorce ASAP. No "grounds" are needed.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no one has focused on OPS language: “I couldn’t have been clearer and he agreed.” Note that she doesn’t say “and he said he wanted them too.“

Not so sure he “changed his mind.”

Who gives a shit? She’s 31 and can still have kids elsewhere!!! Run OP!!

I am not saying she should or shouldn’t. What I am saying is that it’s not necessarily fair to blame the guy. It sounds like OP went into the marriage with a lot of wishful thinking.

Who cares about blame. She is on the tail end of fertility and he is playing games and wasting her time.

But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

Huh? 31 is not the tail end of fertility. She has plenty of time, and suggesting she stay and actively have children with someone who specifically said they didn't want them is NOT a good plan.

1 year divorce, 3 years to find someone, 1 year to get married, 2 years of marriage before having kids.

That's 37 years. Kids at 38 years old is how you end up with kids with ASD or Downs.

You are an idiot.

+1. That poster might be 60+. I am 47. Many people I know had their first kids 40-42. All the kids are fine. I had an accident baby from sex one time at 34 and then again at 37 (yes, I was married...). People have kids all the time at 38-44 and not problems people assume. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no one has focused on OPS language: “I couldn’t have been clearer and he agreed.” Note that she doesn’t say “and he said he wanted them too.“

Not so sure he “changed his mind.”

Who gives a shit? She’s 31 and can still have kids elsewhere!!! Run OP!!

I am not saying she should or shouldn’t. What I am saying is that it’s not necessarily fair to blame the guy. It sounds like OP went into the marriage with a lot of wishful thinking.

Who cares about blame. She is on the tail end of fertility and he is playing games and wasting her time.

But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

Huh? 31 is not the tail end of fertility. She has plenty of time, and suggesting she stay and actively have children with someone who specifically said they didn't want them is NOT a good plan.

1 year divorce, 3 years to find someone, 1 year to get married, 2 years of marriage before having kids.

That's 37 years. Kids at 38 years old is how you end up with kids with ASD or Downs.

You are an idiot.

+1. That poster might be 60+. I am 47. Many people I know had their first kids 40-42. All the kids are fine. I had an accident baby from sex one time at 34 and then again at 37 (yes, I was married...). People have kids all the time at 38-44 and not problems people assume. Ridiculous.

Your anecdote does not change the data about the increased risks of having kids at advanced maternal age.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no one has focused on OPS language: “I couldn’t have been clearer and he agreed.” Note that she doesn’t say “and he said he wanted them too.“

Not so sure he “changed his mind.”

Who gives a shit? She’s 31 and can still have kids elsewhere!!! Run OP!!

I am not saying she should or shouldn’t. What I am saying is that it’s not necessarily fair to blame the guy. It sounds like OP went into the marriage with a lot of wishful thinking.

Who cares about blame. She is on the tail end of fertility and he is playing games and wasting her time.

But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

Huh? 31 is not the tail end of fertility. She has plenty of time, and suggesting she stay and actively have children with someone who specifically said they didn't want them is NOT a good plan.

1 year divorce, 3 years to find someone, 1 year to get married, 2 years of marriage before having kids.

That's 37 years. Kids at 38 years old is how you end up with kids with ASD or Downs.

Dp

That’s not an unreasonable timeline. 3 years would be finding and dating someone to determine whether they are capable of being a good father and husband.

I think 31 is definitely still in the cut and run range. If she is dating very intentionally, and looks for men slightly older, I think this could easily be under 3 years.

Maybe. She's cutting it very, very close. Men are well aware of increased risks that come with geriatric pregnancies- particularly among men interested in having kids. They're not going to want to marry someone who is already in her mid-30s.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:31? You're out of time. You're not likely to find someone else in the next 4 years.

Stop that. My brother and SIL got married past the age of 31, and my SIL had her last baby at 43, no complications for her or the baby, and he's perfectly healthy and normal at almost 5. Stop scaring OP.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

It's risky to have kids past 35, and downright irresponsible to have them past 40.

Oh, st op. Plenty of people have perfectly healthy kids after 35. I had mine at 34 and 38 & they are great.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way he changed his mind in 8 months which means he was lying to you all along and trapped you into marriage.

Divorce. This is a big thing to lie about on his part. It’s only been 8 months, it and run. Do not have kids with this guy thinking he’ll change his mind when he sees how cute they are or sees himself in them.

+1. He lied to you. I am very pro-marriage but I would divorce in this situation. I’m sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP ignore the people talking about how you're so old. Many of us had kids in mid/late 30s and beyond. You would need to date intentionally if you want to find a serious relationship and marriage again soon, but it's very likely to work out.

And bluntly I see no downside to leaving. Worst case OP doesn't get married in time and doesn't have kids. Well this dud of a DH doesn't want them anyway. I would personally never get over my resentment of having been lied to and the person denying me something so important (which is different from infertility etc). I wouldn't want to live with such a person and waste my life.