Wife and I have dramatically different opinions about how much financial help should be given to adult kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of delusional people on this thread who don't realize how normal it is to help kids with these three items.

In DC, the Wapo reported this year that 12% of homebuyers got family help to buy their house. That's of all home purchases. First time home buyers is way higher. The number is so high that it clearly bears no correlation to whether the kids work hard, have high earning jobs, are nice people. Some people get parent help and some people don't. That's all it is.

But sure, if you want to tell your kids out of principle that they're SOL even if you have the means to help them, that's your prerogative. They'll just be left behind all their peers, that's all.

Just because a lot of people do something doesn't mean it's advisable or correct. A lot of people are addicted to fentanyl.

And what about giving them a zero-interest loan instead? Also, they don't have to live in the DC area. The vast majority of America is affordable by comparison.

It's still amusing to me that people actually think you're letting a 25 year old adult child (with a graduate degree you paid for) get "left behind" if you don't drop 250k on a down payment for them. LOL. Talk about delusional

Great, don't help your kids. I plan to help mine.

This is the only website on the internet with people dumb enough to think giving your kid a trust fund is "helping" them.

Like I said, no problems! Your kids are going to do amazing when you withhold money from them. You should feel sorry for my kids apparently for getting that trust fund. It’s going to hurt them after all.

PS, it’s pretty clear your pool is very limited if you think that parents all over the world aren’t giving their kids everything they have. It’s rich white people who seem to think this is a moral dilemma.

I just don’t understand why you think your kids will be such losers.

Is that the best you can do? Sad.

What else is needed? You think your kids won’t be able to make it on their own and so you are ready to dole out the welfare.

That’s what you have said repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of delusional people on this thread who don't realize how normal it is to help kids with these three items.

In DC, the Wapo reported this year that 12% of homebuyers got family help to buy their house. That's of all home purchases. First time home buyers is way higher. The number is so high that it clearly bears no correlation to whether the kids work hard, have high earning jobs, are nice people. Some people get parent help and some people don't. That's all it is.

But sure, if you want to tell your kids out of principle that they're SOL even if you have the means to help them, that's your prerogative. They'll just be left behind all their peers, that's all.

Just because a lot of people do something doesn't mean it's advisable or correct. A lot of people are addicted to fentanyl.

And what about giving them a zero-interest loan instead? Also, they don't have to live in the DC area. The vast majority of America is affordable by comparison.

It's still amusing to me that people actually think you're letting a 25 year old adult child (with a graduate degree you paid for) get "left behind" if you don't drop 250k on a down payment for them. LOL. Talk about delusional

Great, don't help your kids. I plan to help mine.

This is the only website on the internet with people dumb enough to think giving your kid a trust fund is "helping" them.

Like I said, no problems! Your kids are going to do amazing when you withhold money from them. You should feel sorry for my kids apparently for getting that trust fund. It’s going to hurt them after all.

PS, it’s pretty clear your pool is very limited if you think that parents all over the world aren’t giving their kids everything they have. It’s rich white people who seem to think this is a moral dilemma.

I just don’t understand why you think your kids will be such losers.

Is that the best you can do? Sad.

What else is needed? You think your kids won’t be able to make it on their own and so you are ready to dole out the welfare.

That’s what you have said repeatedly.

You keep saying that and the only one who thinks that is you. Alternatively when someone says they did well even with help, you say it wasn’t needed. Obviously the chip is on your shoulder. As I said, no matter, you think your kids will thrive this way, but really they are just going to get passed by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College - Yes, but only if the kids actually tried in high school and are trying in college

Grad school - maybe, only if you and spouse can comfortably afford it without jeopardizing your own retirement or financial future

Down payment- no. You already paid for your kids to get an education; it’s time for them to support themselves like adults.

Agree

The down payment for a house they can’t afford to furnish, pay increasing property taxes on, pay to maintain, pay to insure is a doozy of a trap.

Live within your means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all that and more. My siblings and I will do the same for our kids.

+1. And I don’t think this results in spoiled kids. College is important and student debt is crippling. If my kid is gainfully employed and can pay the mortgage, I want to help with the down payment so they don’t have to spend years wasting money renting if they don’t want to.

At the end of the day, if my financial needs are comfortably met, I’d rather gift money with a warm hand than with a cold one.

+1.

I think there actually are quite a few spoiled young adults. A lot fully expect homes as nice as their parents homes right from the start and expect their parents to cover the difference between what they can afford and what it takes to get to their desired level of home. I would rather contribute toward college for the grandkids and have our kids and spouses learn to live within their means instead of giving a false sense of wealth.

+1. So many entitled adults running around expecting a lifestyle they can’t afford. From the sound of this thread, there will be even more in the future.

Touche

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can comfortably afford it, definitely all three.

Anyone who looks around at comfortable UMC and rich people knows that those who got these things paid for by their parents had a very good head start. And anyone who thinks kids “should” pay for these things has their head in the sand. In places like dc, down payments and college costs are paid by parents a lot. It’s pretty standard MO and kids who don’t have this help are already starting out one step behind.

My parents paid for all these things. They are wealthy but not bagillionaires. I still managed to be married with a well maintained home by 26, graduate top of my class from law school, and now in my forties I make seven figures. I’m also married to a hardworking man who makes similar. He came from poverty and got nothing from his family. I don’t believe this kind of financial support plays any role in what kind of adult kids turn into - other than helping to ensure they are financially comfortable adults!

So you and your husband ended up in the same place, despite the fact that you got help and he didn’t. This shows that smart, hard-working people will be just fine, even without handouts from mommy and daddy.

I don’t think you’re making the point you think you are.

My husband had to take out college and grad school loans, which I promptly paid off for him within three months of starting as a lawyer. And he benefited from that same first house as me. And fwiw, dh works hard, but I work WAY harder. And he makes a lot. But I make a LOT more than him. So if there is a lazier person in our home, it’s him. Not me - who grew up with parents who paid for these things. Also fwiw I’ve never taken another cent from my parents - out twenties were really lean because we just didn’t have much money. But now I’m loaded - because I worked so hard - and I’m able to throw money around like mad. In fact, my parents needed a new car and didn’t have enough cash in their checking account on the day we were at the dealership, and dh and I were like no worries we can write the check right now so you don’t have to wait a day for cash to move between your accounts, and you don’t have to pay us back. So yeah not entitled.

But pretty confident that when you remove financial impediments to 20 year olds, they can make better choices and end up in better financial places.

But shhhh sounds like you live in one of the middle class families that hasn’t figured out how many families do this for their kids and launch their kids into their own successful financial lives.

What a classy post PP.

[Anonymous]

Can’t buy class.

Clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can comfortably afford it, definitely all three.

Anyone who looks around at comfortable UMC and rich people knows that those who got these things paid for by their parents had a very good head start. And anyone who thinks kids “should” pay for these things has their head in the sand. In places like dc, down payments and college costs are paid by parents a lot. It’s pretty standard MO and kids who don’t have this help are already starting out one step behind.

My parents paid for all these things. They are wealthy but not bagillionaires. I still managed to be married with a well maintained home by 26, graduate top of my class from law school, and now in my forties I make seven figures. I’m also married to a hardworking man who makes similar. He came from poverty and got nothing from his family. I don’t believe this kind of financial support plays any role in what kind of adult kids turn into - other than helping to ensure they are financially comfortable adults!

So you and your husband ended up in the same place, despite the fact that you got help and he didn’t. This shows that smart, hard-working people will be just fine, even without handouts from mommy and daddy.

I don’t think you’re making the point you think you are.

My husband had to take out college and grad school loans, which I promptly paid off for him within three months of starting as a lawyer. And he benefited from that same first house as me. And fwiw, dh works hard, but I work WAY harder. And he makes a lot. But I make a LOT more than him. So if there is a lazier person in our home, it’s him. Not me - who grew up with parents who paid for these things. Also fwiw I’ve never taken another cent from my parents - out twenties were really lean because we just didn’t have much money. But now I’m loaded - because I worked so hard - and I’m able to throw money around like mad. In fact, my parents needed a new car and didn’t have enough cash in their checking account on the day we were at the dealership, and dh and I were like no worries we can write the check right now so you don’t have to wait a day for cash to move between your accounts, and you don’t have to pay us back. So yeah not entitled.

But pretty confident that when you remove financial impediments to 20 year olds, they can make better choices and end up in better financial places.

But shhhh sounds like you live in one of the middle class families that hasn’t figured out how many families do this for their kids and launch their kids into their own successful financial lives.

I don’t honestly believe this is true. The families in the DMV where the parents paid for lots of things are just not successful financially. They were never launched…they need their parents to still pay for lots of things, especially any private school (lots of these folks at Big3 privates). I assume because they knew there was a backstop.

So…not sure what the answer may be.

Most of my friends in DC had family help to buy their first home. Almost all my friends are highly driven and successful in their careers. There is no correlation.

Define success…I don’t get it…successful people don’t need their parents help to buy their first home…even a $2MM+ home is a $400k down payment which isn’t all that much…for successful people.

This is how poor people think LOL.

What do you mean?

Poor people don’t know that successful doctors, lawyers, bankers, tech engineers save their bonuses and extra salary for their own downpayments? Or for their grad degrees?

Ignorant people might think no one is successful nor saving tons of money.

Ignorant people might believe everyone’s using their parents help to buy their homes.

But that’s not true. Successful couples are, and couples with family money are. There might some minimal overlapping couples, but what’s the point then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We paid all education (2 PhDs and 1 thru medical school) + 250k for each kid. We don’t plan to give anything more.

PhDs worth anything should be fully funded by grants before the program starts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of delusional people on this thread who don't realize how normal it is to help kids with these three items.

In DC, the Wapo reported this year that 12% of homebuyers got family help to buy their house. That's of all home purchases. First time home buyers is way higher. The number is so high that it clearly bears no correlation to whether the kids work hard, have high earning jobs, are nice people. Some people get parent help and some people don't. That's all it is.

But sure, if you want to tell your kids out of principle that they're SOL even if you have the means to help them, that's your prerogative. They'll just be left behind all their peers, that's all.

Just because a lot of people do something doesn't mean it's advisable or correct. A lot of people are addicted to fentanyl.

And what about giving them a zero-interest loan instead? Also, they don't have to live in the DC area. The vast majority of America is affordable by comparison.

It's still amusing to me that people actually think you're letting a 25 year old adult child (with a graduate degree you paid for) get "left behind" if you don't drop 250k on a down payment for them. LOL. Talk about delusional

Great, don't help your kids. I plan to help mine.

This is the only website on the internet with people dumb enough to think giving your kid a trust fund is "helping" them.

Like I said, no problems! Your kids are going to do amazing when you withhold money from them. You should feel sorry for my kids apparently for getting that trust fund. It’s going to hurt them after all.

PS, it’s pretty clear your pool is very limited if you think that parents all over the world aren’t giving their kids everything they have. It’s rich white people who seem to think this is a moral dilemma.

I just don’t understand why you think your kids will be such losers.

Good point. The PPP is sure scared of something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can comfortably afford it, definitely all three.

Anyone who looks around at comfortable UMC and rich people knows that those who got these things paid for by their parents had a very good head start. And anyone who thinks kids “should” pay for these things has their head in the sand. In places like dc, down payments and college costs are paid by parents a lot. It’s pretty standard MO and kids who don’t have this help are already starting out one step behind.

My parents paid for all these things. They are wealthy but not bagillionaires. I still managed to be married with a well maintained home by 26, graduate top of my class from law school, and now in my forties I make seven figures. I’m also married to a hardworking man who makes similar. He came from poverty and got nothing from his family. I don’t believe this kind of financial support plays any role in what kind of adult kids turn into - other than helping to ensure they are financially comfortable adults!

So you and your husband ended up in the same place, despite the fact that you got help and he didn’t. This shows that smart, hard-working people will be just fine, even without handouts from mommy and daddy.

I don’t think you’re making the point you think you are.

My husband had to take out college and grad school loans, which I promptly paid off for him within three months of starting as a lawyer. And he benefited from that same first house as me. And fwiw, dh works hard, but I work WAY harder. And he makes a lot. But I make a LOT more than him. So if there is a lazier person in our home, it’s him. Not me - who grew up with parents who paid for these things. Also fwiw I’ve never taken another cent from my parents - out twenties were really lean because we just didn’t have much money. But now I’m loaded - because I worked so hard - and I’m able to throw money around like mad. In fact, my parents needed a new car and didn’t have enough cash in their checking account on the day we were at the dealership, and dh and I were like no worries we can write the check right now so you don’t have to wait a day for cash to move between your accounts, and you don’t have to pay us back. So yeah not entitled.

But pretty confident that when you remove financial impediments to 20 year olds, they can make better choices and end up in better financial places.

But shhhh sounds like you live in one of the middle class families that hasn’t figured out how many families do this for their kids and launch their kids into their own successful financial lives.

I don’t honestly believe this is true. The families in the DMV where the parents paid for lots of things are just not successful financially. They were never launched…they need their parents to still pay for lots of things, especially any private school (lots of these folks at Big3 privates). I assume because they knew there was a backstop.

So…not sure what the answer may be.

Most of my friends in DC had family help to buy their first home. Almost all my friends are highly driven and successful in their careers. There is no correlation.

The problem with you and your friends is that you have that “born on third base but think you hit a triple” mentality. So you not only get completely unearned advantages (for instance, rich kids using their family “help” money to drive the cost of real estate ever higher); you also use your unearned privilege to enact and support policies that f$@k over the actual hard-working adults in your community and your country.

Jealous?

I mean… of course? My husband and I actually have to work and save and sacrifice for what we have. It’d be great to be part of the American Royalty that doesn’t have to do jacksh!t and gets the food cooked in their mouths.

But what irritates me is when you societal leeches have the nerve to pretend that you’ve earned everything you have. Just because mommy paid for you to go to law school out of her trust fund and daddy’s golfing buddy hooked you up with a job in his firm making seven figures while contributing nothing.

Yeah, it must be nice

It is nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We paid all education (2 PhDs and 1 thru medical school) + 250k for each kid. We don’t plan to give anything more.

What PhD program requires a student to pay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can comfortably afford it, definitely all three.

Anyone who looks around at comfortable UMC and rich people knows that those who got these things paid for by their parents had a very good head start. And anyone who thinks kids “should” pay for these things has their head in the sand. In places like dc, down payments and college costs are paid by parents a lot. It’s pretty standard MO and kids who don’t have this help are already starting out one step behind.

My parents paid for all these things. They are wealthy but not bagillionaires. I still managed to be married with a well maintained home by 26, graduate top of my class from law school, and now in my forties I make seven figures. I’m also married to a hardworking man who makes similar. He came from poverty and got nothing from his family. I don’t believe this kind of financial support plays any role in what kind of adult kids turn into - other than helping to ensure they are financially comfortable adults!

So you and your husband ended up in the same place, despite the fact that you got help and he didn’t. This shows that smart, hard-working people will be just fine, even without handouts from mommy and daddy.

I don’t think you’re making the point you think you are.

My husband had to take out college and grad school loans, which I promptly paid off for him within three months of starting as a lawyer. And he benefited from that same first house as me. And fwiw, dh works hard, but I work WAY harder. And he makes a lot. But I make a LOT more than him. So if there is a lazier person in our home, it’s him. Not me - who grew up with parents who paid for these things. Also fwiw I’ve never taken another cent from my parents - out twenties were really lean because we just didn’t have much money. But now I’m loaded - because I worked so hard - and I’m able to throw money around like mad. In fact, my parents needed a new car and didn’t have enough cash in their checking account on the day we were at the dealership, and dh and I were like no worries we can write the check right now so you don’t have to wait a day for cash to move between your accounts, and you don’t have to pay us back. So yeah not entitled.

But pretty confident that when you remove financial impediments to 20 year olds, they can make better choices and end up in better financial places.

But shhhh sounds like you live in one of the middle class families that hasn’t figured out how many families do this for their kids and launch their kids into their own successful financial lives.

I don’t honestly believe this is true. The families in the DMV where the parents paid for lots of things are just not successful financially. They were never launched…they need their parents to still pay for lots of things, especially any private school (lots of these folks at Big3 privates). I assume because they knew there was a backstop.

So…not sure what the answer may be.

Most of my friends in DC had family help to buy their first home. Almost all my friends are highly driven and successful in their careers. There is no correlation.

The problem with you and your friends is that you have that “born on third base but think you hit a triple” mentality. So you not only get completely unearned advantages (for instance, rich kids using their family “help” money to drive the cost of real estate ever higher); you also use your unearned privilege to enact and support policies that f$@k over the actual hard-working adults in your community and your country.

Jealous?

I mean… of course? My husband and I actually have to work and save and sacrifice for what we have. It’d be great to be part of the American Royalty that doesn’t have to do jacksh!t and gets the food cooked in their mouths.

But what irritates me is when you societal leeches have the nerve to pretend that you’ve earned everything you have. Just because mommy paid for you to go to law school out of her trust fund and daddy’s golfing buddy hooked you up with a job in his firm making seven figures while contributing nothing.

Yeah, it must be nice

It is nice.

Glad you at least agree that you’re just a lucky loser!

[Anonymous]

My grandmother was an immigrant at age 16 and worked as a maid and cook. She worked her ass off so that my mom had better financial and professional opportunities.

My mother took advantage of those opportunities, did very well in school and work, and, with my father became upper middle financial class.

My parents worked very hard to support the next generation. They paid for college for all three and professional school for the two of us who went. They also paid for all three weddings, and have helped substantially with down payments for 2 of the 3 of us.

My siblings and I all work hard at our jobs, earn a good living (plus our spouses' income), and are collectively raising 7 kids. Among the 3 of us siblings, we earn approximately $1.5-1.8 million annually. We've been paying for our kids' college and professional school, and I assume will also provide additional financial support where helpful.

But, the key is that we are a super tight family, have high expectations of each other, and we have also had the good luck that our family members are hard-working, driven people. Meaning that everyone is responsible and generally does their best to find a path where they can both do some good for the world and also support a family.

I don't worry about our kids becoming "spoiled" because I've known them their whole lives and that's just not who they are. Not to say I don't worry about other things, but their becoming lazy, entitled laggards just isn't on the list. So, we'll continue to support our kids however helpful and whenever helpful.

I think my approach to this is that my family has retained what may be considered an immigrant family mindset. Our job is to help the future generations succeed and establish themselves (whatever that may mean to them). It's a quite multi-generational mindset. Also, while kids may wish to take loans rather than gifts from parents, the idea of kids or family taking out loans from banks would be very unusual and based on some terrific financial deal. Otherwise, we wouldn't want family paying interest to a bank when that money could stay in the family. This tight-knit, and mutually-reliant approach is different than some more US-based approached more focused in individualism, and I think different approaches have their benefits and drawbacks. This approach has worked well for my extended family, though, and hasn't resulted in any failure to launch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of delusional people on this thread who don't realize how normal it is to help kids with these three items.

In DC, the Wapo reported this year that 12% of homebuyers got family help to buy their house. That's of all home purchases. First time home buyers is way higher. The number is so high that it clearly bears no correlation to whether the kids work hard, have high earning jobs, are nice people. Some people get parent help and some people don't. That's all it is.

But sure, if you want to tell your kids out of principle that they're SOL even if you have the means to help them, that's your prerogative. They'll just be left behind all their peers, that's all.

My god, what are you so terrified of? 😳

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can comfortably afford it, definitely all three.

Anyone who looks around at comfortable UMC and rich people knows that those who got these things paid for by their parents had a very good head start. And anyone who thinks kids “should” pay for these things has their head in the sand. In places like dc, down payments and college costs are paid by parents a lot. It’s pretty standard MO and kids who don’t have this help are already starting out one step behind.

My parents paid for all these things. They are wealthy but not bagillionaires. I still managed to be married with a well maintained home by 26, graduate top of my class from law school, and now in my forties I make seven figures. I’m also married to a hardworking man who makes similar. He came from poverty and got nothing from his family. I don’t believe this kind of financial support plays any role in what kind of adult kids turn into - other than helping to ensure they are financially comfortable adults!

So you and your husband ended up in the same place, despite the fact that you got help and he didn’t. This shows that smart, hard-working people will be just fine, even without handouts from mommy and daddy.

I don’t think you’re making the point you think you are.

My husband had to take out college and grad school loans, which I promptly paid off for him within three months of starting as a lawyer. And he benefited from that same first house as me. And fwiw, dh works hard, but I work WAY harder. And he makes a lot. But I make a LOT more than him. So if there is a lazier person in our home, it’s him. Not me - who grew up with parents who paid for these things. Also fwiw I’ve never taken another cent from my parents - out twenties were really lean because we just didn’t have much money. But now I’m loaded - because I worked so hard - and I’m able to throw money around like mad. In fact, my parents needed a new car and didn’t have enough cash in their checking account on the day we were at the dealership, and dh and I were like no worries we can write the check right now so you don’t have to wait a day for cash to move between your accounts, and you don’t have to pay us back. So yeah not entitled.

But pretty confident that when you remove financial impediments to 20 year olds, they can make better choices and end up in better financial places.

But shhhh sounds like you live in one of the middle class families that hasn’t figured out how many families do this for their kids and launch their kids into their own successful financial lives.

I don’t honestly believe this is true. The families in the DMV where the parents paid for lots of things are just not successful financially. They were never launched…they need their parents to still pay for lots of things, especially any private school (lots of these folks at Big3 privates). I assume because they knew there was a backstop.

So…not sure what the answer may be.

Most of my friends in DC had family help to buy their first home. Almost all my friends are highly driven and successful in their careers. There is no correlation.

The problem with you and your friends is that you have that “born on third base but think you hit a triple” mentality. So you not only get completely unearned advantages (for instance, rich kids using their family “help” money to drive the cost of real estate ever higher); you also use your unearned privilege to enact and support policies that f$@k over the actual hard-working adults in your community and your country.

Jealous?

I mean… of course? My husband and I actually have to work and save and sacrifice for what we have. It’d be great to be part of the American Royalty that doesn’t have to do jacksh!t and gets the food cooked in their mouths.

But what irritates me is when you societal leeches have the nerve to pretend that you’ve earned everything you have. Just because mommy paid for you to go to law school out of her trust fund and daddy’s golfing buddy hooked you up with a job in his firm making seven figures while contributing nothing.

Yeah, it must be nice

It is nice.

Glad you at least agree that you’re just a lucky loser!

Glad you agree you’re just a jealous whiner!