Wife Using Pregnancy As An Excuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pregnancy does make women really tired and hormonal (overly emotional, hyper-focused on the pregnancy/baby to the exclusion of other things in life, moody, sensitive). It is only natural that she is “using pregnancy as an excuse” to get things she wants…it’s biological. She’s trying to take care of herself/this baby.

Sure, so take naps. Don't quit working at 16 WEEKS pregnant.

- woman who had twins and gets how exhausting pregnancy can be

how do you take a nap at work?

I had a coworker who got pregnant and was TOLD to take naps by her doctor and to stay home and telework. Her supervisor would call her hourly to make sure she was not napping.

When I was pregnant? I had a yoga mat and pillow in my office and I would close my door and take a nap as needed. Now? I work from home and would go upstairs to bed. I have napped probably twice in the last two years during the work day as I just suck it up, which was harder to do when pregnant.

I'm a lawyer, I was a fed lawyer when I was pregnant. GS-15. I didn't skimp on any of my work, I just worked longer hours to get it all done, even if that meant taking a nap in the middle of the day if I couldn't function anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pregnancy does make women really tired and hormonal (overly emotional, hyper-focused on the pregnancy/baby to the exclusion of other things in life, moody, sensitive). It is only natural that she is “using pregnancy as an excuse” to get things she wants…it’s biological. She’s trying to take care of herself/this baby.

Sure, so take naps. Don't quit working at 16 WEEKS pregnant.

- woman who had twins and gets how exhausting pregnancy can be

But her pregnancy isn’t yours, twins or not.

I had a great pregnancy and still felt awful at times. I’ve had friends with HG who needed hospitalization for meds/ dehydration. You don’t get to choose which you get, and it is truly a spectrum.

OPs spouse needs to get the support they need, and make sure there is nothing clinically wrong, but also get clinical help if they are unable to meet their usual activity needs. This should be be shamed any more that any other medical situation. It shouldn’t. On my way! To other women proclaiming they can be “better” at being pregnant than others, which is what I see so often. Back off, be supportive, help them get help if they need to.

So you think OP's wife should quit working without discussing with her husband?

[Anonymous]

Agree that she’s nesting. Probably earlier than most but it sounds like you’ve been planning for this baby so she’s ready. If you have the money leave it alone. You can also talk to her about a budget. This is just the beginning so it’s good to have discussions about money and babies now and consider having a budgeting spreadsheet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you jealous? You sound it along w being resentful and petty. Actually childish. I feel for your wife.

OP here. I’m not jealous. I’m just annoyed that we can’t have proper communication and she is spending like crazy.

Your partner is a representation of you. When that partner starts canceling important things and you constantly have to make excuses for them, it looks bad on you.

For instance, we RSVP to an important wedding. She was in it and so was I. Last minute she decided she don’t want to make the trip ( 1 hour drive) and didn’t go. This made me look like a complete jerk and I had to keep making excuses of why she couldn’t be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to discuss the spending. That's it. She should be responsible there and not be emotional about spending. But you will have a lot of things to buy for the baby. Look into buying some things secondhand.

You will spend a fortune on diapers and you're going to spend a lot on your children so you also just need to accept the new reality.

As for her feeling tired and not wanting to do things, I think you just need to accept this too. I was very sick during my first trimester, then felt great until the last month. I had back pain, trouble walking, and took my maternity leave two weeks earlier than planned. I didn't want any of this to happen to me! I was surprised by how much pregnancy affected me physically and how I could not control nause, fatigue, etc. It's real, it's not about excuses.

OP here. We will have a baby shower with over 100 people and will likely get a lot of things. Then we can see what we still need and buy it.

I don’t think we need 50 newborn sleepers and $8k worth of nursery furniture.

I don’t mind spending money. We have a good income. I just think we need to have more of a budget but then she accuses me of not being supportive and stealing the joy out of the pregnancy.

Have you actually researched what furniture is needed for a nursery? We did mostly used furniture and our nursery was very minimal, including the cheapest Ikea crib that fell apart after a year. But I’m the exception - most families set up a nicer nursery and 8k doesn’t seem too crazy.

Crib 200-500
Crib mattress 100-300
Crib sheets and pads 200
Dresser 300-1000
Changing table 100-300
Diaper pail - 75-100
Rug - 500-700
Rocking chair - 300-800
Window treatments/blackout - 300
Decorations - 300

If you can afford to set up a nice nursery and you’re busting your wife’s chops over it, you are being a grinch.

OP here. I know things are expensive but we spent much more on all of that.

Crib - $1k
Crib mattress -$359
Crib sheets - $80
Crib mattress protector -$100
Dresser with changing table - $1700
Rug - $800
Chair + ottoman - $1550
Nightstand - $400
Bookcase - $400
Snoo + accessories - $2000

You can afford it right? Does not seem unreasonable. It’s better to buy good furniture instead of Ikea junk like I did.

[Anonymous]

OP is a troll, same as “bad sham” OP. someone ask Jeff!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to discuss the spending. That's it. She should be responsible there and not be emotional about spending. But you will have a lot of things to buy for the baby. Look into buying some things secondhand.

You will spend a fortune on diapers and you're going to spend a lot on your children so you also just need to accept the new reality.

As for her feeling tired and not wanting to do things, I think you just need to accept this too. I was very sick during my first trimester, then felt great until the last month. I had back pain, trouble walking, and took my maternity leave two weeks earlier than planned. I didn't want any of this to happen to me! I was surprised by how much pregnancy affected me physically and how I could not control nause, fatigue, etc. It's real, it's not about excuses.

OP here. We will have a baby shower with over 100 people and will likely get a lot of things. Then we can see what we still need and buy it.

I don’t think we need 50 newborn sleepers and $8k worth of nursery furniture.

I don’t mind spending money. We have a good income. I just think we need to have more of a budget but then she accuses me of not being supportive and stealing the joy out of the pregnancy.

Have you actually researched what furniture is needed for a nursery? We did mostly used furniture and our nursery was very minimal, including the cheapest Ikea crib that fell apart after a year. But I’m the exception - most families set up a nicer nursery and 8k doesn’t seem too crazy.

Crib 200-500
Crib mattress 100-300
Crib sheets and pads 200
Dresser 300-1000
Changing table 100-300
Diaper pail - 75-100
Rug - 500-700
Rocking chair - 300-800
Window treatments/blackout - 300
Decorations - 300

If you can afford to set up a nice nursery and you’re busting your wife’s chops over it, you are being a grinch.

OP here. I know things are expensive but we spent much more on all of that.

Crib - $1k
Crib mattress -$359
Crib sheets - $80
Crib mattress protector -$100
Dresser with changing table - $1700
Rug - $800
Chair + ottoman - $1550
Nightstand - $400
Bookcase - $400
Snoo + accessories - $2000

What is your HHI? For some here, those are normal costs. For others, it’s extravagant. You seem anxious OP.

Maybe she’s buying stuff bc you’re constantly shutting her down. Are you bringing any enjoyment to this pregnancy experience at all?

OP here. She makes $80k and I make about $200k. We have healthy savings but she will likely stop working. This economy makes me anxious. Maintaining our life is expensive. Then we factor in private school for kids or childcare if she goes back to work. We can’t be so frivolous with spending.

The biggest issue is lack of communication and her inability to talk about things. The fact that she didn’t even tell me she cut her hours until afterwards. That should be a discussion we have together. Her inability to talk about a budget.

We are excited. We have picked out a nursery theme and I have pampered her with prenatal spa days. We have been putting a baby registry together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to discuss the spending. That's it. She should be responsible there and not be emotional about spending. But you will have a lot of things to buy for the baby. Look into buying some things secondhand.

You will spend a fortune on diapers and you're going to spend a lot on your children so you also just need to accept the new reality.

As for her feeling tired and not wanting to do things, I think you just need to accept this too. I was very sick during my first trimester, then felt great until the last month. I had back pain, trouble walking, and took my maternity leave two weeks earlier than planned. I didn't want any of this to happen to me! I was surprised by how much pregnancy affected me physically and how I could not control nause, fatigue, etc. It's real, it's not about excuses.

OP here. We will have a baby shower with over 100 people and will likely get a lot of things. Then we can see what we still need and buy it.

I don’t think we need 50 newborn sleepers and $8k worth of nursery furniture.

I don’t mind spending money. We have a good income. I just think we need to have more of a budget but then she accuses me of not being supportive and stealing the joy out of the pregnancy.

Have you actually researched what furniture is needed for a nursery? We did mostly used furniture and our nursery was very minimal, including the cheapest Ikea crib that fell apart after a year. But I’m the exception - most families set up a nicer nursery and 8k doesn’t seem too crazy.

Crib 200-500
Crib mattress 100-300
Crib sheets and pads 200
Dresser 300-1000
Changing table 100-300
Diaper pail - 75-100
Rug - 500-700
Rocking chair - 300-800
Window treatments/blackout - 300
Decorations - 300

If you can afford to set up a nice nursery and you’re busting your wife’s chops over it, you are being a grinch.

OP here. I know things are expensive but we spent much more on all of that.

Crib - $1k
Crib mattress -$359
Crib sheets - $80
Crib mattress protector -$100
Dresser with changing table - $1700
Rug - $800
Chair + ottoman - $1550
Nightstand - $400
Bookcase - $400
Snoo + accessories - $2000

You can afford it right? Does not seem unreasonable. It’s better to buy good furniture instead of Ikea junk like I did.

PBK is not good quality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a troll, same as “bad sham” OP. someone ask Jeff!

OP here. I’m not a troll. Grow up and move along.

[jsteele]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a troll, same as “bad sham” OP. someone ask Jeff!

I don't know if the OP is a troll or not, but I assume that you realize that you could ask me. All you have to do is click "report". It takes the same amount of effort as posting a message suggesting that someone else ask me and doesn't disrupt the thread. Please do that next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you jealous? You sound it along w being resentful and petty. Actually childish. I feel for your wife.

OP here. I’m not jealous. I’m just annoyed that we can’t have proper communication and she is spending like crazy.

Your partner is a representation of you. When that partner starts canceling important things and you constantly have to make excuses for them, it looks bad on you.

For instance, we RSVP to an important wedding. She was in it and so was I. Last minute she decided she don’t want to make the trip ( 1 hour drive) and didn’t go. This made me look like a complete jerk and I had to keep making excuses of why she couldn’t be there.

This is standard marriage stuff. You look out for your spouse and you NEVER talk smack or make them look bad to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you jealous? You sound it along w being resentful and petty. Actually childish. I feel for your wife.

OP here. I’m not jealous. I’m just annoyed that we can’t have proper communication and she is spending like crazy.

Your partner is a representation of you. When that partner starts canceling important things and you constantly have to make excuses for them, it looks bad on you.

For instance, we RSVP to an important wedding. She was in it and so was I. Last minute she decided she don’t want to make the trip ( 1 hour drive) and didn’t go. This made me look like a complete jerk and I had to keep making excuses of why she couldn’t be there.

Maybe set up an appt w a therapist for a few sessions to set up some ground rules.

[Anonymous]

jsteele wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is a troll, same as “bad sham” OP. someone ask Jeff!

I don't know if the OP is a troll or not, but I assume that you realize that you could ask me. All you have to do is click "report". It takes the same amount of effort as posting a message suggesting that someone else ask me and doesn't disrupt the thread. Please do that next time.

I’m lazy. You could also just check now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I will just suck it up. I was not saying or implying pregnancy isn't exhausting and comes with its own issues. I know she is growing a human inside of her and that she will be extra tired, frankly, and sometimes demanding.

Yes this child is very much wanted and so will any additional children we choose to have.

I take excellent care of my wife and make sure and does the same. We extensively researched the very best prenatal + supplements for her to take. She gets routine blood work and I make she she gets the very best nutrition to support her and our growing baby.

Cheating. I have never cheated on anyone, and will absolutely never cheat on my wife. Cheaters are scumbags, no excuses.

Job - My wife has a high stress job and I understand she needs to dial back. I just wish I was given a heads up or included in that decision. I feel like her communication skills have fallen to the waist side since becoming pregnant. She has a very emotionally taxing, and somewhat dangerous job. I'm all for her scaling back or taking time off, but I just need better communication.

Budget - I do think we can't spend endlessly. She designed a nursery that is $8k. She's impulsive an buys everything she sees that's on sale. She went to target and bought over $200 in baby clothes multiple times already. We live comfortably but I still think we need to dial it back and live more conservatively since kids aren't cheap.

Pp with five kids here. You sound like a fine man. It's all normal but long term you don't want resentment either - especially with finances.

You make a good point about the communication issues. This is the REAL long term issue in your post.

Why don't you suggest a few sessions of pre baby counseling? She'll have to perform for the therapist and you guys will need a relationship with someone going forward. And it's super rare for a man to suggest counseling, you'd get tons of points for that!

Quoting my own post because I think OP missed it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to discuss the spending. That's it. She should be responsible there and not be emotional about spending. But you will have a lot of things to buy for the baby. Look into buying some things secondhand.

You will spend a fortune on diapers and you're going to spend a lot on your children so you also just need to accept the new reality.

As for her feeling tired and not wanting to do things, I think you just need to accept this too. I was very sick during my first trimester, then felt great until the last month. I had back pain, trouble walking, and took my maternity leave two weeks earlier than planned. I didn't want any of this to happen to me! I was surprised by how much pregnancy affected me physically and how I could not control nause, fatigue, etc. It's real, it's not about excuses.

OP here. We will have a baby shower with over 100 people and will likely get a lot of things. Then we can see what we still need and buy it.

I don’t think we need 50 newborn sleepers and $8k worth of nursery furniture.

I don’t mind spending money. We have a good income. I just think we need to have more of a budget but then she accuses me of not being supportive and stealing the joy out of the pregnancy.

Have you actually researched what furniture is needed for a nursery? We did mostly used furniture and our nursery was very minimal, including the cheapest Ikea crib that fell apart after a year. But I’m the exception - most families set up a nicer nursery and 8k doesn’t seem too crazy.

Crib 200-500
Crib mattress 100-300
Crib sheets and pads 200
Dresser 300-1000
Changing table 100-300
Diaper pail - 75-100
Rug - 500-700
Rocking chair - 300-800
Window treatments/blackout - 300
Decorations - 300

If you can afford to set up a nice nursery and you’re busting your wife’s chops over it, you are being a grinch.

OP here. I know things are expensive but we spent much more on all of that.

Crib - $1k
Crib mattress -$359
Crib sheets - $80
Crib mattress protector -$100
Dresser with changing table - $1700
Rug - $800
Chair + ottoman - $1550
Nightstand - $400
Bookcase - $400
Snoo + accessories - $2000

What is your HHI? For some here, those are normal costs. For others, it’s extravagant. You seem anxious OP.

Maybe she’s buying stuff bc you’re constantly shutting her down. Are you bringing any enjoyment to this pregnancy experience at all?

OP here. She makes $80k and I make about $200k. We have healthy savings but she will likely stop working. This economy makes me anxious. Maintaining our life is expensive. Then we factor in private school for kids or childcare if she goes back to work. We can’t be so frivolous with spending.

The biggest issue is lack of communication and her inability to talk about things. The fact that she didn’t even tell me she cut her hours until afterwards. That should be a discussion we have together. Her inability to talk about a budget.

We are excited. We have picked out a nursery theme and I have pampered her with prenatal spa days. We have been putting a baby registry together.

Aw that’s sweet. Maybe also pamper her with a financial planner appointment