The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.

[Anonymous]

So, OP, based on your last few comments, you know that this BF is your soon to be X as the two of you are not compatible. My guess, though, is that you are having trouble accepting that and are feeling hurt and/or angry. You must really like him otherwise (thus things starting to get serious). When someone can't meet our needs, it's easy for that to slip into feeling unloved, uncared for, etc. But this is really about him and things about him you can't change. Nonetheless, being back to dating again sucks.

At least, as someone up the thread pointed out, he is being honest.

[Anonymous]

The kind of guy who insists you stay home is the kind of guy from whom you need to protect yourself by maintaining your earning power. Men who treat their SAHM wives decently are pretty laid back, IME.

I dated a few guys in my late 30s who didn't make it past a few dates because they clearly needed to be the center of the universe. I decided to have a child by myself. I occasionally run into those guys, and they are still single and childless. Some people are not cut out for the give and take of family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you talked about having children ? Or is this scenario all in your head? Your hypothetical to him is an odd one. Your reading and jumping to detailed outcomes is also odd.

OP here. Yes, we talked about having kids. I mentioned that in my post. Nothing odd about wanting a partner and not a provider.

The fact that you see these as dichotomous says a lot about your own inflexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does this mean “ being childless is starting to become more appealing than going back to depend on another person.”

Who else has she “depended on?” Look at how she portrays her polar and dramatic options in life. That man should run and fast.

Come on, are you that dense? To financially depend on another person, like a child or teenager would. You’ve never done that in your entire life? Clearly OP is financially independent now and states that she makes the same amount as her partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, based on your last few comments, you know that this BF is your soon to be X as the two of you are not compatible. My guess, though, is that you are having trouble accepting that and are feeling hurt and/or angry. You must really like him otherwise (thus things starting to get serious). When someone can't meet our needs, it's easy for that to slip into feeling unloved, uncared for, etc. But this is really about him and things about him you can't change. Nonetheless, being back to dating again sucks.

At least, as someone up the thread pointed out, he is being honest.

I think you're right. At this point I guess i just want to rant.

[Anonymous]

How do people fall in love with someone with incompatible values? I have my partner because they are an amazing person, and thinking about them makes me proud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just sucks that OP wasted almost a year dating this guy.

Op this is a 1-3rd date conversation not a year later. Especially at your advanced maternal age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tons of women will be tripping over themselves to marry him. Leave him for the many women who would love a masculine breadwinner husband.

Dude is 41 and thinks he can dictate that he gets a SAHW - somehow I don’t think women are actually tripping over themselves to marry him.

This. He’s a little old himself to be making the same amount as op 5 years junior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does this mean “ being childless is starting to become more appealing than going back to depend on another person.”

Who else has she “depended on?” Look at how she portrays her polar and dramatic options in life. That man should run and fast.

I assumed her parents.

[Anonymous]

This conversation is silly pre-kids. For all you know you don’t even want to stay home. So you dump someone and stay single forever over one comment? This is why so many women stay single. A lot of men and women are just repeating whatever they knew growing up. Not to mention men are completely clueless about kids and daycare realities.

Instead does he want you to be happy? That’s what matters. If he does then he will be fine if you work or don’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband expressed his desire that I stay home. I didn't like the idea too much, I was anxious and uncomfortable. When my DC was born I couldn't stay away from her and became greatful that my husband was ok with me staying home. He became very successful over the years, but all of this was the result of long office hours and traveling for business meetings. None of this would have been possible if we decided to go 50/50.

If the relationship is otherwise good, I would stick with him. You're not getting any younger and if you end this relationship you might not have children. I know you said that this is ok, but you'll probably start seeing things differently when you realize how hard it is to find a good man at your age.

Greatful? Oof. Hope you’re not home-schooling. And no one needs a man. You sound like a surrendered wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This conversation is silly pre-kids. For all you know you don’t even want to stay home. So you dump someone and stay single forever over one comment? This is why so many women stay single. A lot of men and women are just repeating whatever they knew growing up. Not to mention men are completely clueless about kids and daycare realities.

Instead does he want you to be happy? That’s what matters. If he does then he will be fine if you work or don’t work.

Right, but this usually goes the opposite- they want their wife to work until they realize how complicated childcare/daycare can be. Or they think she’ll work AND handle all of the child responsibilities.

What man thinks he has a right to insist that his wife be financially dependent on him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG run run.

He is a POS RW garbage run. What does he want you home apron and breathless in the kitchen doing mommy duty and wiping his ass?

This is absurd.

Dump him now.

Overreaction.

He stated what he wants, she wants something different. They should both find more compatible mates. IMHO, the ideal is someone who is flexible and recognizes that no one really knows how they will feel about it or what their specific life situation will be when that first baby actually arrives.

[Anonymous]

If you do this for him, protect yourself. In 10 years he may not want you and you’ll be desperate to find a way to support yourself. A friend of mine had a written agreement with her husband. Every week he transferred $500 into her separate account. 11 years later he left her and she had over $250k in her account. That helped her get on her feet and not struggle. It took her 7 months to find a decent paying job after he left her. But at least she didn’t struggle because she had those cash payments. And in the divorce proceedings he still had to pay child support.

[Anonymous]

Payment for house/family labor during working hours makes sense. Can she share the agreement?