This is weaponized incompetence, yes? What to do about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it sounds to me like you have a history of being critical and have made the fundamental mistake of choosing to both tell him what to do AND tell him how to do it. And so he has concluded it is safest to avoid the activity, and your criticism. It's not "weaponized incompetence." It's "learned helplessness" and you probably taught him.

The nutritionist and pediatrician are telling them how to feed their kid, not OP.

And him giving her a bowl of cereal IS PERFECTLY FINE. The fact that she comes and harps on here about it is very telling. She sounds really rigid and her whole mentality is "why is he such a screw up" instead of considering "what is it about MY behavior that causes him to react this way?"

No, actually, a bowl of cereal is not fine. Because dad gets to slack off and then mom has to make it up on the back end by making sure kid has to have all the nutritious meals. It’s really not OK at all. One parent gets all the shortcuts and the other parent to compensate? No way. I’m tired of this faulty line of logic.

It’s like the dad who always gets the kid fast food, and everyone says “The kid is fed. What’s the big deal?” Well, the big deal is that mom spends all the time and energy making nutritious food so kid has some vitamins and minerals. Not fair for one parent to hog all the shortcuts. He’s doing it at wife’s expense, and he knows it.

Again, it's FINE. You're the one obssessed with "vitamins and minerals" and "nutritious food."

There's plenty of vitamins in cereal. And most fast food is perfectly portioned with a balance of carbohydrates and fats.

Obsessing about nutrition in such a way is a ticket to an eating disorder. Dad's way sounds more relaxing, which is ultimately healthier.

This is a child who ALREADY has disordered eating and is working with healthcare professionals to overcome it. The DH here is not following the medical advice for his child because he cannot be bothered.

This person sounds like they would refuse to give their kid required meds because it was "too hard". I really hope they don't have children if they are this cavalier with their health.

Oh pp. He would give his kids their required meds, but he would do it “his way.” Whatever that means.
The pediatrician can’t tell him what to do AND how to do it. Especially if she’s a woman.

But that’s what he needs.
To be told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it, each and every time.

Then half the time he’ll won’t do it, half the time he will do it, and if those times half will be correct and the other half will be “his way.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again OP is scared to take a stand because it could lead to her being single (gasp and clutch pearls).

Is she married because of a social need or a financial need? Social meaning she feels like a failure or shame from being divorced. Financial she worries she won’t get the big house or material things if not married to him.

It’s quite obvious he isn’t providing emotional needs.

And he makes dinner once a week. Wow! I didn’t realize there were two days in a week. He helps w homework - he’s supposed to.

Or worse, single and coparenting with a ManChild like that.
Children calling you for help, lost items at his place, krap food on Dad Day, missed appts and practices because who cares, traffic accidents on vacation trips, and so on.

Yes let’s pity a woman who scrambled her dna w a man child.

She could put on her big girl panties and take charge. Are the kids infants? Will they die if they have donuts for breakfast? Will they die if they don’t have vegetables on dad’s day. What if omg what if he gives them full fat milk? The horror.

And kids calling her for things? Really? Has she trained everyone that only she knows where things is. Who made that standard. It’s his day- let him answer the question why bunny bear is not in the backpack, or where the toothpaste is.

The school can deal w him showing up late. The kids can complain to him when they miss soccer games. And will he really do that when he knows there is no net. He won’t rise to the occasion.

The perpetual victimhood of women who made their own bed their way because they couldn’t relinquish control to make it any other way or because being married was more important than the kind of person they married is really pathetic and tired.

[Anonymous]

There is a whole tik tok series of dads being interviewed about the name of their kids, doctor, teacher; what grade their kid is in.

And the dads don’t know the answers and it’s supposed to be hilarious. Maybe in the 70s

It’s pathetic. And the women laughing along vs being outraged is pure bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again OP is scared to take a stand because it could lead to her being single (gasp and clutch pearls).

Is she married because of a social need or a financial need? Social meaning she feels like a failure or shame from being divorced. Financial she worries she won’t get the big house or material things if not married to him.

It’s quite obvious he isn’t providing emotional needs.

And he makes dinner once a week. Wow! I didn’t realize there were two days in a week. He helps w homework - he’s supposed to.

Or worse, single and coparenting with a ManChild like that.
Children calling you for help, lost items at his place, krap food on Dad Day, missed appts and practices because who cares, traffic accidents on vacation trips, and so on.

Yes let’s pity a woman who scrambled her dna w a man child.

She could put on her big girl panties and take charge. Are the kids infants? Will they die if they have donuts for breakfast? Will they die if they don’t have vegetables on dad’s day. What if omg what if he gives them full fat milk? The horror.

And kids calling her for things? Really? Has she trained everyone that only she knows where things is. Who made that standard. It’s his day- let him answer the question why bunny bear is not in the backpack, or where the toothpaste is.

The school can deal w him showing up late. The kids can complain to him when they miss soccer games. And will he really do that when he knows there is no net. He won’t rise to the occasion.

The perpetual victimhood of women who made their own bed their way because they couldn’t relinquish control to make it any other way or because being married was more important than the kind of person they married is really pathetic and tired.

I see a lot of unmanaged mental disorders driving the poor marriage dynamic and extremely poor parenting “skills.” Too bad the family courts don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, op, but it’s irritating as hell. My DH is similar. He is taking oldest dc skiing because they have a day off school. We have an event to go to this evening at 6:30pm and he knows this. Yet he asks me if 5pm is when he should be home. I’m like, IDK when you get home, you decide how much time you need to be back in order to be ready for the 6:30 event. And. He. Just. Won’t. Make. A. Decision. Needs me to tell him when to be home 🙄🙄🙄

DP, but just empathizing. Mine will be in charge of taking a kid to his game. I tell him what time the game is and how long it takes to get there (because he has not checked TeamSnap or Google Maps), and he will still ask what time he needs to leave.

Ugh. Mine is this way. He has access to the same team app with the same exact info I have. And it takes 1min to look. But still…”where is the game?” “what color jersey are they supposed to wear?” “what time does it start?” etc etc. The info is right.there. on his phone and couldn’t possibly be made more convenient. Drives me insane.

My DH is getting better after many years of saying It’s on the calendar, Did you check the calendar, and I am not a calendar. Of course, I still have to put it all on the calendar but that’s only once.

[Anonymous]

I wish we could get OP’s DH on here to vent about all the stupid sh!t SHE does, or areas in which she acts incompetent or helpless. Because guess what, he has a list of grievances as well. As do all the husbands of the self-righteous women on here telling OP how much this man sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a whole tik tok series of dads being interviewed about the name of their kids, doctor, teacher; what grade their kid is in.

And the dads don’t know the answers and it’s supposed to be hilarious. Maybe in the 70s

It’s pathetic. And the women laughing along vs being outraged is pure bullshit.

The worst part about that video is that Dads who are just above that very standard will think they deserve a trophy, even though they’re still not doing nearly enough for their wife or kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish we could get OP’s DH on here to vent about all the stupid sh!t SHE does, or areas in which she acts incompetent or helpless. Because guess what, he has a list of grievances as well. As do all the husbands of the self-righteous women on here telling OP how much this man sucks.

My husband's grievances when were going through something similar were more like "you used to be hotter and more fun." He was aware he was not doing much at all at home, he just didn't think it was a problem, or at least not his problem. But it's true that he had grievances!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Haven’t read all, but it may help if you expect him to figure it out, be okay with his choices- even when different than your own, be patient, release the notion that there’s one right way… it’ll also help your children grow more resilient.

Good luck.

+1

[Anonymous]

Post a list of what the kids eats on the frig.

Label cleaner ‘toilet’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a whole tik tok series of dads being interviewed about the name of their kids, doctor, teacher; what grade their kid is in.

And the dads don’t know the answers and it’s supposed to be hilarious. Maybe in the 70s

It’s pathetic. And the women laughing along vs being outraged is pure bullshit.

The worst part about that video is that Dads who are just above that very standard will think they deserve a trophy, even though they’re still not doing nearly enough for their wife or kids.

True true. And I know I’m guilty of giving them a trophy for doing slightly more than nothing. I do check myself on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it sounds to me like you have a history of being critical and have made the fundamental mistake of choosing to both tell him what to do AND tell him how to do it. And so he has concluded it is safest to avoid the activity, and your criticism. It's not "weaponized incompetence." It's "learned helplessness" and you probably taught him.

The nutritionist and pediatrician are telling them how to feed their kid, not OP.

And him giving her a bowl of cereal IS PERFECTLY FINE. The fact that she comes and harps on here about it is very telling. She sounds really rigid and her whole mentality is "why is he such a screw up" instead of considering "what is it about MY behavior that causes him to react this way?"

Is mom free to do all those things too? Can she also just start feeding the kid a bowl of cereal every meal and do away with the doctors and nutritionist’s advice?

[Anonymous]

Just checking in to say thank you for this thread and another reminder to be joyful that I never married or had kids with any of the manbabies who tried to snare me as their cum hole and housekeeper/life manager.

I hate to tell you ladies, but being single and free of all this BS is really quite wonderful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish we could get OP’s DH on here to vent about all the stupid sh!t SHE does, or areas in which she acts incompetent or helpless. Because guess what, he has a list of grievances as well. As do all the husbands of the self-righteous women on here telling OP how much this man sucks.

This is the funniest part about DCUM. All the wives are absolutely perfect and it's only husbands who are incompetent or need to improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just checking in to say thank you for this thread and another reminder to be joyful that I never married or had kids with any of the manbabies who tried to snare me as their cum hole and housekeeper/life manager.

I hate to tell you ladies, but being single and free of all this BS is really quite wonderful!

+1