It seems SAHM & working mom live in different world

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My kids are not left outside because I forget to pick them up. I mean they are outside of home for long hours daily. One kid's beforecare is 7am to 8:40am & aftercare is 3:25pm to 6:30pm. One kid's beforecare is 7am to 9am & aftercare is 3pm to 6pm. They are at different schools, and I do separate drop off /pickup. I drop off one kid around 8am & another kid around 8:30am. I pick up one kid right before 6pm and another kid before 6:20am. We don't use the full hours for beforecare hours. I still have to work at nighttime or on weekend for a few hours.

I sometimes see that SAHM neighbor doing gardening, walking kids to bus stop or chilling in front of her front porch in the mornings. I sometimes see her hanging around at front porch by herself or with kids when we get home. We can see their house from our window, like 20 steps away, so close to each other. We have one same age kid going to same school. Maybe she thinks I am a bad mom. The high energy kid loves beforecare/aftercare and summer camps. The low energy kid probably is better off with less activities and would not mind staying longer time at home.

Please be more confident in your choices. You're creating a problem where there isn't one. Nobody truly cares that your children are in daycare. You do what works for your family and you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.

Be more confident and stop obsessing about her activities! So bizarre to be watching a woman gardening or walking and thinking she is judging you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My kids are not left outside because I forget to pick them up. I mean they are outside of home for long hours daily. One kid's beforecare is 7am to 8:40am & aftercare is 3:25pm to 6:30pm. One kid's beforecare is 7am to 9am & aftercare is 3pm to 6pm. They are at different schools, and I do separate drop off /pickup. I drop off one kid around 8am & another kid around 8:30am. I pick up one kid right before 6pm and another kid before 6:20am. We don't use the full hours for beforecare hours. I still have to work at nighttime or on weekend for a few hours.

I sometimes see that SAHM neighbor doing gardening, walking kids to bus stop or chilling in front of her front porch in the mornings. I sometimes see her hanging around at front porch by herself or with kids when we get home. We can see their house from our window, like 20 steps away, so close to each other. We have one same age kid going to same school. Maybe she thinks I am a bad mom. The high energy kid loves beforecare/aftercare and summer camps. The low energy kid probably is better off with less activities and would not mind staying longer time at home.

Why are you projecting what you think she thinks of you? You just have different schedules. Who cares if she is gardening or walking her kids to school? They chose what works for them and you chose what works for you? Why are you watching and caring what she does with her time?

+1 I don't see OP stating that the SAHM neighbor has said anything critical to her, she seems to be just assuming based on a look. The feeling of judgement is coming from your own dissatisfaction with your situation. If you don't like your current life balance, consider how you can change things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for all of these SAHMs. It’s like Betty Draper. They seem so miserable being stuck at home with kids they don’t even like, while their husbands go out and live their lives, which their wives don’t and can’t understand. No wonder their husbands seek solace with other women. I mean, I’m on DCUM right now to kill time while I’m on a boring webcast at work - why are SAHMs on here right now? Shouldn’t they be spending time with their children, since that’s literally their full-time job?

Is this a cartoon? I'm a working mom but I don't know a single SAHM like what you describe. All the SAHMs I know seem really happy and are often more productive than plenty of people I know who work for money.

NP. Maybe you know SAHMs who weren’t destined for anything more. The ones I know could have been a lot more and seem pretty disappointed with their lives.

The people with jobs I know could have been a lot more and seem pretty disappointed with their lives. The only way to be immune to this feeling is to be a man with a job and any kind of wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are projecting your own insecurities on to your neighbor. You are judging yourself. I can tell you that it does make your kid sad to be the last person picked up every day. That’s a very long day for a child, OP.

And based on Op's post, I see nothing where the neighbor has said anything to OP about the schedule.

[Anonymous]

Easier said than done, but try to hire someone to pick up your kids from school or to get them ready and drop them off at school.

[Anonymous]

I think working moms and SAHMs love to dump on each other's choices because regardless of what she chose, it was a hard, imperfect choice. You always have days of regret and doubt and wonder if it was better to have done the other thing. Makes it easier to make the other kind of mom an enemy and categorically the "wrong" or "bad" choice.

In real life it's always grey. The working moms i know are frazzled, exhausted, some hate their job but have to do it for money, some love their jobs and fighting the fight or climbing the ladder. Everyone wishes for more time with their kid.

The SAHMs are also tired, maybe sliiiightly less frazzled (assuming they have 1 or 2 kids), and often talk about how hard it is mentally to spend that much time around young children. Everyone wishes for more time for themselves and are anxious about if they can return to work successfully in the future.

OP is an example of a working mom who projects her own anxieties and insecurities on the SAHM. Your neighbor might be wondering if you judge her choice to stay home.

Women are exhausting. i know, because I am one, and I am often exhausted by my own anxieties....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. There is absolutely nothing wrong with aftercare. My older one went to aftercare and he enjoyed it. They gave him a snack and he played on the playground. At that time, my one kid played soccer and I hated that one day where I had to get my kid to soccer.

I was annoyed at anything that was during the middle of the work day and probably blamed SAHMs with nothing to do. I have seen threads on this complaining about class parties, staff appreciation, etc. Now I’m a room parent for all 3 kids. I can sign up my kids for whatever they want and I host many play dates a week.

Seems you are projecting your hate and annoyance with your own child on to SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are projecting your own insecurities on to your neighbor. You are judging yourself. I can tell you that it does make your kid sad to be the last person picked up every day. That’s a very long day for a child, OP.

And based on Op's post, I see nothing where the neighbor has said anything to OP about the schedule.

Exactly! I just made it to the end of the thread thinking I must have missed something. All this SAHM has done is exist in the home across the street. The fact that she doesn't have a set-up similar to yours, OP, doesn't mean she doesn't understand your kids are in care because you or working (I'd think that is the obvious default assumption) or that she is judging you! Has she made even one comment in that vein to you? Given you weird looks? Talked ill about you with other moms/neighbors?

You must be feeling insecure about your choice to put your kids in a group care/school structured setting from essentially 8-6, five days a week. That's not ideal -- it's exhausting and stress-inducing for young kids -- and it is something most folks do try to reduce, if they can. The thing is, it sounds like you are amongst those that probably **can** reduce it, but you aren't. I mean, if DH did one of the drop-offs in the morning -- instead of you doing both -- wouldn't that right there eliminate the need for before care? And if your jobs are so intense and demanding then I sure hope you can afford some PM part-time nannies or sitters. I realize that is still care but it's not group care and it's better for your kids. It would allow them some quiet time to be alone, decompress, probably play with neighborhood kids, get a ride to an activity or two, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My kids are not left outside because I forget to pick them up. I mean they are outside of home for long hours daily. One kid's beforecare is 7am to 8:40am & aftercare is 3:25pm to 6:30pm. One kid's beforecare is 7am to 9am & aftercare is 3pm to 6pm. They are at different schools, and I do separate drop off /pickup. I drop off one kid around 8am & another kid around 8:30am. I pick up one kid right before 6pm and another kid before 6:20am. We don't use the full hours for beforecare hours. I still have to work at nighttime or on weekend for a few hours.

I sometimes see that SAHM neighbor doing gardening, walking kids to bus stop or chilling in front of her front porch in the mornings. I sometimes see her hanging around at front porch by herself or with kids when we get home. We can see their house from our window, like 20 steps away, so close to each other. We have one same age kid going to same school. Maybe she thinks I am a bad mom. The high energy kid loves beforecare/aftercare and summer camps. The low energy kid probably is better off with less activities and would not mind staying longer time at home.

As a SAHM when I see a mom like this, I dont judge her. I feel slightly sorry for how tired and rushed she always looks, especially when I see her wrangling crying kids in and out of the car early morning or late at night. I feel a pang of gratitude that I can stay at home and not put my very young kid in daycare for 8 plus hours a day.

And I am very happy to chat or be friends with a working mom , on a schedule that’s convenient for her.

Fellow sahm here. I also feel slightly bad for them because I used to be them. I feel fortunate Dh earns a high enough income that I don’t have to work.

You are a financial dependent. Gross.

+1

I would never want my daughters to be dependent on a man, who will likely lose respect for them and cheat. They need to be gainfully employed and in a partnership - no matter what their HHI is.

This is such a black and white (and I think wrong) perspective. And I say that as a working mom.

In a home with a working parent and a SAHP, both partners are dependent on each other. One makes all the money and the other is doing all the childcare and household work to enable the other partner to focus exclusively on work all day. When couples like this divorce, the SAHP has to get a job, yes. But guess what the working parent has to do? Usually, hire like three people to do the work that the SAHP was doing (nanny, housekeeper, assistant). So best of luck with that.

The least equitable family arrangement I regularly encounter is one in which both parents work but one does way more childcare and household stuff. You see this all the time. Happens a lot when both parents work full time but one is much higher earning, so the one with the lower income has the "flex job" which basically means that they have to shoehorn work in around all the kid and house stuff. And over time it gets less and less equitable because trying to balance work and home for the lower earning spouse takes a toll on their career, they don't advance, and it deepens this idea that they don't have a "real" job and that their time is not valuable.

I would take being a SAHM with a spouse who actually appreciates the work I do over being a working mom who is just assumed to have time to do all the pick up/drop off, cleaning, meal planning and meal prep, organizing, social planning, etc. because her job is deemed less essential than her slightly higher earning spouse. And this is so common. It is not feminism and it's not liberty.

You raise your daughters your way. I'll do mine. They will probably both be fine. I don't agree with you, but I don't have to either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why exactly does your work from home husband not do any of this?! He can’t take them to school or pick them up?

Also 7-6? How long are your work hours? In the US we work 8/8.5 hour day. You could easily work 7-3:30 or 8-4:30. It is your choice to work these long hours. And it seems you both are!

Lots of jobs require you to work more than 8.5 hours per day. As an attorney, my day is 10 hours minimum. Most are somewhere in the ballpark of 12-15. Not my “choice” per se, just what I need to do to stay employed.

LOL. It is absolutely your choice to work 10 hours a day. There are government or in-house positions that do not require that. And there is tons more WFH flexibility after the pandemic.

I really do not understand people who prioritize $$ and are willing to put their young child in group care for that long. Both DH and I work FT but we have never needed more than 30 hours of care. Even 40 is fine. But 50??

I guess we aspire to be more than middle class slackers.

Please refer to post about $1m HHI. Thx!

What jobs do the two of you have that allow you to earn a seven-figure income while also having tons of flexibility? I'm asking because that's definitely what I'll tell my kids to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a working mom and I’ve been friendly with both. I do think sometimes that SAHMs bond because they can go for a run or coffee or whatever at 10 am. They seem more likely to develop female friendships that are not couple based, which I do envy.

But honesrltly OP I think you just are being weirdly defensive about your life choices. Can your kids read yet? Maybe the one who is less high energy would like to come home and just read a book after school. My youngest is very introverted and would turn into angry Hulk if she stayed that long at before/after care. She’d rather go home and sit in her room for a few hours to unwind before dinner. That’s the beauty of WFH — you can let a kid do that or even just watchTV if they don’t like aftercare.

+1 I love this about WFH. We do aftercare but only for part of the time. I bring DS home and he likes to draw, color, look at books, play with toys etc. for a bit while I finish up work.

Toddler age not so much (they need constant attention not conducive to work!), but by elementary this is a nice mix (some socializing and activities at aftercare plus downtime ay home).

[Anonymous]

The SAHM truly does not care what you are doing with your kids and their childcare. This is all your insecurities being projected. She is probably relieved you aren’t asking her to watch them or drive them anywhere. But really…she likely never thinks about your kids’ childcare schedule or cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why exactly does your work from home husband not do any of this?! He can’t take them to school or pick them up?

Also 7-6? How long are your work hours? In the US we work 8/8.5 hour day. You could easily work 7-3:30 or 8-4:30. It is your choice to work these long hours. And it seems you both are!

Lots of jobs require you to work more than 8.5 hours per day. As an attorney, my day is 10 hours minimum. Most are somewhere in the ballpark of 12-15. Not my “choice” per se, just what I need to do to stay employed.

LOL I'm also an attorney. You're making a choice. You can get a different job.

If someone working multiple low wage jobs like retail, Uber, etc said they need to work 10+ hrs a day to put food on the table, that's a real thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The SAHM truly does not care what you are doing with your kids and their childcare. This is all your insecurities being projected. She is probably relieved you aren’t asking her to watch them or drive them anywhere. But really…she likely never thinks about your kids’ childcare schedule or cares.

And yet...there are plenty of SAHMs who post on DCUM all the time with their opinions about others' childcare schedules. So...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why exactly does your work from home husband not do any of this?! He can’t take them to school or pick them up?

Also 7-6? How long are your work hours? In the US we work 8/8.5 hour day. You could easily work 7-3:30 or 8-4:30. It is your choice to work these long hours. And it seems you both are!

Lots of jobs require you to work more than 8.5 hours per day. As an attorney, my day is 10 hours minimum. Most are somewhere in the ballpark of 12-15. Not my “choice” per se, just what I need to do to stay employed.

LOL I'm also an attorney. You're making a choice. You can get a different job.

If someone working multiple low wage jobs like retail, Uber, etc said they need to work 10+ hrs a day to put food on the table, that's a real thing.

I'm also an attorney and I don't work 10 hours a day, and I'm not a fed lawyer either, I'm with a large firm.