Married 14 years- Just Learned of Cheating in Year 5

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting the most positive face on this, it seems likely that he got it out of his system and you "won".

Anyone that cheats like that is a promise-breaker and might do it again.

That doesn't mean you have to divorce.

You need to line up marital counseling that is objective - neither pro-reconciliation nor pro-divorce.

Don't catastrophize. Honor your feelings of sadness and betrayal. Your husband owes you full disclosure.

Do not contact or seek out the social media of the OW. She is morally reprehensible as well and you will get no peace from contacting her or seeking out details about her. She is not your concern.

I'm sorry for your hurt. Be brave.

This is the best advice. Don't make a rash decision and don't ignore your feelings. And don't listen to folks on here that project their own relationship issues and advocate divorce at the first sign of trouble. It's a big deal, it shouldn't be swept under the rug, but you have to look at what "could" be an isolated period of time against the totality of your marriage, life and family. If it truly was a limited situation, be hurt and distrusting but don't rush to uproot everything else. I'd suggest reading the thread about "when is divorce worth it" to get perspective on when it makes sense to divorce. That's a decision you make only when things are unsafe or you know with certainty you'll be happier alone than married.

DP

Also agree.

Plus, it was a really long time ago. Do you really want to blow up the whole family and devastate your kids over this?

It seems
Like something to work through at this point.

He’s still cheating

WHO stays with a liar like this

This is not a one off this was a full blown affair


OP you do you however his friend told you bec he’s still cheating

Yep I’m sorry he blew up your family play nice til ducks in a row then get out

But get him out of your bedroom for sure he’s an ass he took her out of the country

What if there was an emergency?

[Anonymous]

Ouch…..
This would be a very, very bitter pill for me to swallow OP. 💔

In all honesty - I could not live w/someone who would do such a hurtful thing to me.

I personally would say that the last seven years of your marriage have definitely been based on dishonesty as well as pure deception.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, this would probably end my marriage.

I just don’t see how I could recover? The trust would be so eroded. I would feel so disrespected and foolish. If you have kids, hang tight, be smart, and figure things out to your advantage. That may mean staying and working on it in the short-term. But take as much time as you need. The goal is financial stability and no regrets. Good luck and hugs.

[Anonymous]

Wow. If it had been a one time, moment of weakness thing and he finally came clean because the guilt was eating at him, I’d say forgive and move on. But wow. This must be shaking you to your core OP. He didn’t just cheat out of convenience. He lied to you and was sneaking around. How old are your kids? I bet you were home with little kids 9 years ago when this happened. Changing diapers and wiping boogers and cleaning up messes while he spent your family’s money on his side chick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll because there was no reason for him not to go along and pretend he’d been to that destination prior to the marriage.

NP, but prior to marrying my husband, we knew all the countries to which the other had traveled. OP has been married 14 years. If my DH suddenly remembered a trip to Mexico he’d never told me about in almost two decades together, I’d think it was suspicious.

DP. “What countries have you been to” is not a conversation my DH and I have ever explicitly had. Married 15 years. I know where we have been together but if he—esp as an American—happened to say he’d been to Mexico I would not be surprised. I wouldn’t expect him to be either. It’s right on the continent; you could drive from here to there. And we lived long lives before we met.

Actually since the last time I was in San Diego was about 20 years ago I’m not sure I can swear whether I have been over that border or not—I assume no as it would have been post 9/11 so my passport would have been involved.

OP, though: your husband has been lying about this Every. Single. Day since this started. Mine once tried a related lie, but the attempt messed him up so badly that he couldn’t even keep it up for a full week. It has been hard enough to recover from that. Someone who lies every single day for nine plus years is just not a person you can build anything back with. I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a big deal but don't let your husband think this. He must understand this has shaken you. Do not make any decisions/conclusions right now, and most certainly do not tell him. He must see you as hurt, shaken and uncertain. It is in your best interest to project strategic uncertainty as your feelings settle down. It will take some time. Some distance would be great.

This is the weirdest sh!t I have
ever read here

[Anonymous]

Standard DCUM line: get a divorce. Plenty of great men out there looking for a middle-aged, divorced single mother! Especially one who is so good at trolling!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a big deal but don't let your husband think this. He must understand this has shaken you. Do not make any decisions/conclusions right now, and most certainly do not tell him. He must see you as hurt, shaken and uncertain. It is in your best interest to project strategic uncertainty as your feelings settle down. It will take some time. Some distance would be great.

This is the weirdest sh!t I have
ever read here

Not as weird as grill him a steak and get him a big jug of whiskey.

[Anonymous]

It seems a lot of the posts here are written by the same person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Standard DCUM line: get a divorce. Plenty of great men out there looking for a middle-aged, divorced single mother! Especially one who is so good at trolling!

Who says she’d be looking to get re-married to some other dude right away? You don’t seem to get that 1) many women are happy being single and even being single moms if it means not being married to a cheater and always having that question in the back of your mind, 2) we don’t think with our dicks so not having a regular source of sex isn’t a huge problem. Sorry guy, but you’re not that desirable either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Standard DCUM line: get a divorce. Plenty of great men out there looking for a middle-aged, divorced single mother! Especially one who is so good at trolling!

Who says she’d be looking to get re-married to some other dude right away? You don’t seem to get that 1) many women are happy being single and even being single moms if it means not being married to a cheater and always having that question in the back of your mind, 2) we don’t think with our dicks so not having a regular source of sex isn’t a huge problem. Sorry guy, but you’re not that desirable either!

This forever. And it's not like catching a dick is a challenge, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry.

+1 Did he tell you, OP, or did you find out some other way? Does he know you know?

He did not tell me. Over the weekend we were at a party that had some of his college friends there. One of them was talking about an upcoming trip to Tulum Mexico. He asked my husband if the area they were going to stay in was the right area. He hemmed and hawed and told him he was confusing him with someone else as he had never been there. It was awkward enough that the guy stopped pressing but I knew something was up. He took her there for a trip when he was supposedly in Miami on work travel. He confessed everything.

I would have a real problem with this. Sure, it happened years ago, but he TOOK HER ON A TRIP. So he took time and money away from his family and went to Mexico with is mistress. I’d separate/have him move out while you figure out what you want and how to proceed.

She can leave, but she can't "have him move out." Maybe she should take a trip and find herself a brand new lover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tulum wasn't even trendy until about 5-6 years ago for rich west coast people, and 2-3 years ago for DC area dorks. Def happened WAY more recently!

Tulum has been popular since the early 2000s. https://magazine.tablethotels.com/en/2020/01/unhidden-gem/

This article is from 2012. http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=980DE4D81239F931A15752C0A9649D8B63&pagewanted=all

I live in Old Town and my DH and I went to Tulum in 2000. Stayed at Ana Y Joses oceanfront for $30 a night!

[Anonymous]

Don't know if OP is still reading, but:

One thing occurred to me, if you are engaging DH on this by talking about it. If he is contrite BUT does not understand why this would make you (fill in the blank: angry, upset, distrusting, feeling betrayed etc.) "because, this was nine years ago, it's long since over and I haven't seen her since and haven't cheated again" -- If he acts like he does not get why this feels totally fresh to you NOW, as if it just happened, well, that's a problem.

If you decide to talk and possibly think about how reconciliation would look, he really does need to understand that in the life you are living, OP, this is brand new and as raw and open a wound as if he had just had sex with this woman yesterday.

He needs to have actual empathy for your feelings that this is all happening now. Bluntly, he needs to feel as guilty and responsible as if this were all happening now, and not hide behind "It was nine years ago, no big deal now." This is why, if you do consider next steps, one of those steps should be getting help from both couples and individual therapists. Having a third-party outsider explaining to him why this is raw for you, when for him it's long past (maybe), could be useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll because there was no reason for him not to go along and pretend he’d been to that destination prior to the marriage.

NP, but prior to marrying my husband, we knew all the countries to which the other had traveled. OP has been married 14 years. If my DH suddenly remembered a trip to Mexico he’d never told me about in almost two decades together, I’d think it was suspicious.

DP. “What countries have you been to” is not a conversation my DH and I have ever explicitly had. Married 15 years. I know where we have been together but if he—esp as an American—happened to say he’d been to Mexico I would not be surprised. I wouldn’t expect him to be either. It’s right on the continent; you could drive from here to there. And we lived long lives before we met.

Actually since the last time I was in San Diego was about 20 years ago I’m not sure I can swear whether I have been over that border or not—I assume no as it would have been post 9/11 so my passport would have been involved.

OP, though: your husband has been lying about this Every. Single. Day since this started. Mine once tried a related lie, but the attempt messed him up so badly that he couldn’t even keep it up for a full week. It has been hard enough to recover from that. Someone who lies every single day for nine plus years is just not a person you can build anything back with. I am so sorry.

Really? I could tell you the countries my husband has been to. I bet he'd get about 85% right for me, but I've traveled a lot more.