Reply to Married 14 years- Just Learned of Cheating in Year 5

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[quote=Anonymous]
Don't know if OP is still reading, but:

One thing occurred to me, if you are engaging DH on this by talking about it. If he is contrite BUT does not understand why this would make you (fill in the blank: angry, upset, distrusting, feeling betrayed etc.) "because, this was nine years ago, it's long since over and I haven't seen her since and haven't cheated again" -- If he acts like he does not get why this feels totally fresh to you NOW, as if it just happened, well, that's a problem.

If you decide to talk and possibly think about how reconciliation would look, he really does need to understand that in the life [u]you[/u] are living, OP, this is brand new and as raw and open a wound as if he had just had sex with this woman yesterday.

He needs to have actual empathy for your feelings that this is all happening now. Bluntly, he needs to feel as guilty and responsible as if this were all happening now, and not hide behind "It was nine years ago, no big deal now."  This is why, if you do consider next steps, one of those steps should be getting help from both couples and individual therapists. Having a third-party outsider explaining to him why this is raw for you, when for him it's long past (maybe), could be useful. [/quote]

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