My father put an AirTag in my car to track me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe you could get that much information from an AirTag that isn’t yours, ergo I don’t believe this story.

Troll score: 2. Demerits for bullshit details. But that’s what liars do — they overexplain.

Ooh, you’re ignorant. Must be hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was missing for a week after a car accident where her car flipped over and she was trapped inside. Nobody ever thinks it’s going to be them.

This is exactly 0% of a justification for what he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is worried about you. It's not about trust. It's about his love and concern and protection of you. Yes, it crossed a line, but it was with good intentions.
Perhaps when you are a parent and love a child more than yourself, you will understand
Talk to him-

Oh, gag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear your anger and would also be livid. That said, since you have the air tag, can you have some fun with this? Any friends who do a lot of travel by car or work an unusual schedule? I’d start passing that AirTag around.

He knows I found it. He doesn’t see the big deal. He apologized because my mom made him do it, but he also repeatedly heard him say he doesn’t see what the big deal is.

I think you need to treat him like the child in the relationship bc that’s how he is acting.
You just need to calmly revisit this (bc he is the irrational one, not you…and blowing up in anger was not ideal), and you say:

1–the “big deal” is you did not ask me because you knew I would say no to having you track me, even for “safety.”
2–the “big deal” is that it was something you did in secret, which means you were being deliberately deceptive.
3–the “big deal” is that it’s an extreme invasion of my privacy.
4–I cannot trust someone who goes behind my back, invades my privacy, and disregards my expressed wishes simply because they *think* they have a good reason.
5–I’m an adult and my safety is not your responsibility.

Then reiterate that the fact that he claims not to understand why this is a big deal is actually very concerning to you…and so you will not be able to continue to have him take an active role in your life until he acknowledges that this is not okay behavior.

This is OP. Thank you for your wise post. There has been a lot of anger on my part, which isn’t great.

Part of the problem is that he has apologized and ‘acknowledged’ that this is not okay behavior, but only because he thinks that saying the right thing will reset everything to normal. He does not have the capacity to understand that this is a gross violation of trust.

My mother and sister will not shun him for his behavior (‘it’s just who he is!’), which makes me appear unreasonable when I push back against his inappropriate behavior, because he’s not getting the exact same feedback from everyone in his life. They have explained to him that his behavior is bad, but are still conversing with him as normal otherwise.

I wish I had broken off contact before my kid could get attached to him. I wouldn’t be in this dilemma now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear your anger and would also be livid. That said, since you have the air tag, can you have some fun with this? Any friends who do a lot of travel by car or work an unusual schedule? I’d start passing that AirTag around.

He knows I found it. He doesn’t see the big deal. He apologized because my mom made him do it, but he also repeatedly heard him say he doesn’t see what the big deal is.

I think you need to treat him like the child in the relationship bc that’s how he is acting.
You just need to calmly revisit this (bc he is the irrational one, not you…and blowing up in anger was not ideal), and you say:

1–the “big deal” is you did not ask me because you knew I would say no to having you track me, even for “safety.”
2–the “big deal” is that it was something you did in secret, which means you were being deliberately deceptive.
3–the “big deal” is that it’s an extreme invasion of my privacy.
4–I cannot trust someone who goes behind my back, invades my privacy, and disregards my expressed wishes simply because they *think* they have a good reason.
5–I’m an adult and my safety is not your responsibility.

Then reiterate that the fact that he claims not to understand why this is a big deal is actually very concerning to you…and so you will not be able to continue to have him take an active role in your life until he acknowledges that this is not okay behavior.

This is OP. Thank you for your wise post. There has been a lot of anger on my part, which isn’t great.

Part of the problem is that he has apologized and ‘acknowledged’ that this is not okay behavior, but only because he thinks that saying the right thing will reset everything to normal. He does not have the capacity to understand that this is a gross violation of trust.

My mother and sister will not shun him for his behavior (‘it’s just who he is!’), which makes me appear unreasonable when I push back against his inappropriate behavior, because he’s not getting the exact same feedback from everyone in his life. They have explained to him that his behavior is bad, but are still conversing with him as normal otherwise.

I wish I had broken off contact before my kid could get attached to him. I wouldn’t be in this dilemma now.

Stop using your kid as an excuse to set boundaries. Your kid will be fine if you fade contact. Your parents are 800 miles away. They can’t be visiting that often. If you’re really that upset by this, and you should be, just set a no contact for 6-months and see where you are. You could reassess and either decide to continue or to re-engage.

What you don’t get to do is complain about your father if you’re choosing to engage with him over and over. It’s on you to change the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

It is absolutely insane to break off contact with your parents over this. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is absolutely insane to break off contact with your parents over this. Grow up.

You think this is an isolated incident? OP stated that she’s been struggling with them for years.

I guess you would be okay with someone going into your purse/backpack to get your car keys and to put a tracking device on your car without your knowledge or permission. That’s a bridge too far for most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is absolutely insane to break off contact with your parents over this. Grow up.

You think this is an isolated incident? OP stated that she’s been struggling with them for years.

I guess you would be okay with someone going into your purse/backpack to get your car keys and to put a tracking device on your car without your knowledge or permission. That’s a bridge too far for most people.

Guaranteed OP stayed for dinner and never left.

[Anonymous]

You knew he crazy. I would have stayed away bit by bit long time ago. Crazy for mom to make excuses also instead of staying out of it.
Maybe dad losing his top. How old is he? If he sick in the head, blame the sickness and see them every once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is absolutely insane to break off contact with your parents over this. Grow up.

You think this is an isolated incident? OP stated that she’s been struggling with them for years.

I guess you would be okay with someone going into your purse/backpack to get your car keys and to put a tracking device on your car without your knowledge or permission. That’s a bridge too far for most people.

Guaranteed OP stayed for dinner and never left.

Agree with 100%. I’m the PP who called her out for using her kid as an excuse. I’ve seen it here before: “My parent is crazy and treats me like s h I t, but my kid is really attached to Grandma and I wouldn’t want to ruin that…”

[Anonymous]

There are no hints of parental abuse in OP’s post - just that he has asked to track her phone repeatedly, she refused, and he very much overstepped that boundary. If this is the only issue and they otherwise have been loving parents then yes, it is insane and harsh to cut off contact over this. If there are other problems, that is different. I did not read the whole thread so I don’t know which it is.

Parents will not be around forever. They are flawed human beings, like everyone else. How will OP feel when her dad dies and she understands she cut off contact over something that is trivial in the grand scheme of things? Or when she realizes that this is the start of his dementia or a neurological disorder? My dad left when I was little and barely had a relationship with me for years. Now he is dying, and I very much regret hanging on to old grudges.

So yes, get some perspective and grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear your anger and would also be livid. That said, since you have the air tag, can you have some fun with this? Any friends who do a lot of travel by car or work an unusual schedule? I’d start passing that AirTag around.

He knows I found it. He doesn’t see the big deal. He apologized because my mom made him do it, but he also repeatedly heard him say he doesn’t see what the big deal is.

Why would he want to track you? I don’t get it. There must be background you’re not telling us. Abusive, controlling etc

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's about lack of trust for OP, but really the issue is about control and her father's obsession with control. He thinks that he can do whatever he likes, but because she's his daughter, he won't have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's about lack of trust for OP, but really the issue is about control and her father's obsession with control. He thinks that he can do whatever he likes, but because she's his daughter, he won't have consequences.

He won't. OP didn't even leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is absolutely insane to break off contact with your parents over this. Grow up.

You are wildly incorrect.

Grow up.