My father put an AirTag in my car to track me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the post is true, does the dad have an anxiety disorder? Other mental health issues?

Lots of people on here said their parents are similar. It’s anxiety and/or other mental illnesses. It’s really not too far from a lot of moms in my moms group. They still have video monitors on their elementary schoolers, refuse to have a babysitter even once, air tags on their kids tracking them.

I think the older people get the more paranoid

I've never heard of a parent doing this to adult child with their own home and family. Call me another skeptical reader.

[Anonymous]

OP: He is extreme. You are extreme.

Disable it. Tell him to never do it again. Stop with the dramatics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's about lack of trust for OP, but really the issue is about control and her father's obsession with control. He thinks that he can do whatever he likes, but because she's his daughter, he won't have consequences.

This. I know a person like this. He uses his OCD and “extreme worrying” as an excuse to track and control his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: He is extreme. You are extreme.

Disable it. Tell him to never do it again. Stop with the dramatics.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exactly. One way is to live far away and search your belongings for air tags when you leave after a visit. After becoming angry.

Another would be to bring your own air tags and attach them to your soon to be senile parents car so you can see how they like being tracked. My parents only behaved when I turned whatever they were doing back in them.

Or you could just roll your eyes and move on. How many senile parents would have any clue an AirTag was in their car? And also, since Silver Alerts are a real thing this might actually be a really good idea.

Air Tags only work if they are in proximity to an iPhone. And if it is near an iPhone it will ping it. So yes, they would know. That's how OP found out.

[Anonymous]

This sounds so bizarre. I didn’t read the entire thread so maybe I’m asking questions that were already answered? Do you have any idea what is driving your dad’s anxiety about your safety? OP, were you in an abusive relationship at some point? Did you ever disappear? Anyone in your family ever went missing? Does your father not trust your spouse? Does he think your husband will harm you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exactly. One way is to live far away and search your belongings for air tags when you leave after a visit. After becoming angry.

Another would be to bring your own air tags and attach them to your soon to be senile parents car so you can see how they like being tracked. My parents only behaved when I turned whatever they were doing back in them.

Or you could just roll your eyes and move on. How many senile parents would have any clue an AirTag was in their car? And also, since Silver Alerts are a real thing this might actually be a really good idea.

Air Tags only work if they are in proximity to an iPhone. And if it is near an iPhone it will ping it. So yes, they would know. That's how OP found out.

I could see my parents having no clue what that meant. And why would we assume it would be a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear your anger and would also be livid. That said, since you have the air tag, can you have some fun with this? Any friends who do a lot of travel by car or work an unusual schedule? I’d start passing that AirTag around.

He knows I found it. He doesn’t see the big deal. He apologized because my mom made him do it, but he also repeatedly heard him say he doesn’t see what the big deal is.

I think you need to treat him like the child in the relationship bc that’s how he is acting.
You just need to calmly revisit this (bc he is the irrational one, not you…and blowing up in anger was not ideal), and you say:

1–the “big deal” is you did not ask me because you knew I would say no to having you track me, even for “safety.”
2–the “big deal” is that it was something you did in secret, which means you were being deliberately deceptive.
3–the “big deal” is that it’s an extreme invasion of my privacy.
4–I cannot trust someone who goes behind my back, invades my privacy, and disregards my expressed wishes simply because they *think* they have a good reason.
5–I’m an adult and my safety is not your responsibility.

Then reiterate that the fact that he claims not to understand why this is a big deal is actually very concerning to you…and so you will not be able to continue to have him take an active role in your life until he acknowledges that this is not okay behavior.

This is OP. Thank you for your wise post. There has been a lot of anger on my part, which isn’t great.

Part of the problem is that he has apologized and ‘acknowledged’ that this is not okay behavior, but only because he thinks that saying the right thing will reset everything to normal. He does not have the capacity to understand that this is a gross violation of trust.

My mother and sister will not shun him for his behavior (‘it’s just who he is!’), which makes me appear unreasonable when I push back against his inappropriate behavior, because he’s not getting the exact same feedback from everyone in his life. They have explained to him that his behavior is bad, but are still conversing with him as normal otherwise.

I wish I had broken off contact before my kid could get attached to him. I wouldn’t be in this dilemma now.

How old is your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your parents are 800 miles away, I would either fly and rent a car while I was there or rent a car to drive to see them. Problem solved, and air tag will not be helpful in the long run. Also, I would have your dh keep the car keys and always lock the car.

My parents were similar, except not interested in technology, and I had to find ways around their prying to be able to have relationship of any sort.

The first step was moving 800 miles away, the last next step is to still see them but to subvert any way to track you or your family. You can still have a superficial relationship and know deep inside you can not trust either of them.

In my case I always had my phone privacy locked down tight enough so they could no access it, even if I left it out. All journals or backpacks or anything that may have personal information was locked in my car trunk.

Seriously OP, rent a car. Don't drive your own car, lock anything at all personal in the trunk and have you or dh keep the keys in your pocket at all times. Just know you love each other, but you really can't trust your parents.

This is all useless advice. If this is really true it would be very easy to just put an AirTag on anything else. In a bag, in the kids' stuff, husband's stuff. A person would just move on from the car to something else and you're back where you started. But if this is going to be your hill to die on the only thing to do is never ever see them again. Which OP won't do b/c she couldn't even be bothered to pack the car and drive home after this. If she's not that worked up, why should anyone else be?

Eh, she will probably eventually find those air tags, unlike the one in the car. I am the pp and had parents like this, they were older and elderly and I decided to figure out a way to live with their malfunction from hundreds of miles away, with the help of a therapist, while still seeing them occasionally. Did I get angry? Yes. Did I think they were going to ever change? No.

Dad can put in all the air tags he wants; if I was OP I would just hide the air tags in her parents car so she can track them instead.

I would bash the AirTags into pieces with a sledgehammer and leave them on his pillow and I bet after the second time he’d get it.

[Anonymous]

Creepy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear your anger and would also be livid. That said, since you have the air tag, can you have some fun with this? Any friends who do a lot of travel by car or work an unusual schedule? I’d start passing that AirTag around.

He knows I found it. He doesn’t see the big deal. He apologized because my mom made him do it, but he also repeatedly heard him say he doesn’t see what the big deal is.

I think you need to treat him like the child in the relationship bc that’s how he is acting.
You just need to calmly revisit this (bc he is the irrational one, not you…and blowing up in anger was not ideal), and you say:

1–the “big deal” is you did not ask me because you knew I would say no to having you track me, even for “safety.”
2–the “big deal” is that it was something you did in secret, which means you were being deliberately deceptive.
3–the “big deal” is that it’s an extreme invasion of my privacy.
4–I cannot trust someone who goes behind my back, invades my privacy, and disregards my expressed wishes simply because they *think* they have a good reason.
5–I’m an adult and my safety is not your responsibility.

Then reiterate that the fact that he claims not to understand why this is a big deal is actually very concerning to you…and so you will not be able to continue to have him take an active role in your life until he acknowledges that this is not okay behavior.

This is OP. Thank you for your wise post. There has been a lot of anger on my part, which isn’t great.

Part of the problem is that he has apologized and ‘acknowledged’ that this is not okay behavior, but only because he thinks that saying the right thing will reset everything to normal. He does not have the capacity to understand that this is a gross violation of trust.

My mother and sister will not shun him for his behavior (‘it’s just who he is!’), which makes me appear unreasonable when I push back against his inappropriate behavior, because he’s not getting the exact same feedback from everyone in his life. They have explained to him that his behavior is bad, but are still conversing with him as normal otherwise.

I wish I had broken off contact before my kid could get attached to him. I wouldn’t be in this dilemma now.

How old is your kid?

Early elementary school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds so bizarre. I didn’t read the entire thread so maybe I’m asking questions that were already answered? Do you have any idea what is driving your dad’s anxiety about your safety? OP, were you in an abusive relationship at some point? Did you ever disappear? Anyone in your family ever went missing? Does your father not trust your spouse? Does he think your husband will harm you?

I think one or both of his parents had some mental health issues, but I’m not really sure what the details are. Nobody will tell me. But his past should not be my current problem.

I have not been in an abusive relationship. I have been with my husband since I was about 20, and he has never been anything close to abusive.

I have never disappeared, but I also don’t stay in close contact with my parents for reasons that are probably obvious to the readers of this thread.

[Anonymous]

I think people are overreacting to the father's violation. He clearly has high anxiety over his daughter's safety. I don't think it's okay but think you should talk with him. Back in the day, this would have been a funny episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.

[Anonymous]

Does he track your sister too OP? If so, does it bother her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It is absolutely insane to break off contact with your parents over this. Grow up.


You are wildly incorrect.

Grow up.

So let me get this straight. OP's relationship with her parents is mostly fine except for her dad's weird obsession with tracking her phone or car, which sounds like worry or anxiety or early signs of dementia to me. There are no other signs of abuse or disrespect. He has otherwise been a decent dad. And, based just on the tracking obsession thing, she is considering severing her relationship and cutting off contact. No, I am sorry - that is insane and absolutely intolerant, unless as the one PP pointed out, there are signs that the dad is dangerous (and it did not sound like that was the case).

I really hope your own children do not display the same type of intolerance and judgment when you get older. Because trust me, we are all flawed as parents. Maybe many of you have little kids and can't imagine it yet, but you will do things that your kids absolutely hate and not even realize it. You will read the books and try to say and do the right things, and you will fail spectacularly, nonetheless. I deal with this with one of my teen daughters every day, and I pray that she extends me grace for my shortcomings as a parent.

Or maybe you all are just Millennials, and you expect the world to be perfect for you. Those of us who grew up GenX know what truly sh!tty parents look like (hint: it's not a dad who tracks you with an AirTag, it's a dad who abandons you).

She’s been considering cutting off her dad for years, so I doubt this is the only problem.

I’ve been abandoned by a parent and have a parent who was controlling to the point that if I didn’t respond to a call within a specific time period (hours not days), they’d call the police for a wellness/safety check (I was in my 20s, married with kids, and lived in a different state). That happened a few times and once I even responded with a text, but parent said text wasn’t good enough, I had to call. So yeah, overprotective, controlling parents can be bad too.

Just because someone doesn’t do the worst thing possible, like abandoning a young child, doesn’t mean everything else they do is fine and dandy. You can be a bad parent while still being present. It happens quite often.