I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

All the posters saying “we can’t give our thoughts on your husband’s actions until we know exactly what kind of cancer you have” are psychos.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you talked to your doctors about how the waiting is affecting you mentally? If it bothered me to that extent, I would push to get it out sooner rather than later.

The fact you can wait for 2.5 years is an excellent sign that it isn’t as serious as you think. Your doctors may not know that you are in a bad headspace and could either move it up or reassure you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you talked to your doctors about how the waiting is affecting you mentally? If it bothered me to that extent, I would push to get it out sooner rather than later.

The fact you can wait for 2.5 years is an excellent sign that it isn’t as serious as you think. Your doctors may not know that you are in a bad headspace and could either move it up or reassure you.

It's as serious as I think. They do know it's stressful and we have weighed the pros/cons of surgery now/later and I understand their recommended timing. It doesn't mean it isn't hard.

I'm not asking for people to second guess my care team or challenge their decisions with very limited information (realizing I've provided very few details). I have thought a LOT about this for the past 2.5 years and didn't really come here for more discussion about that part of what's been on my mind so I guess I'm a little surprised by so much focus on that. It feels as though I need to prove to some posters here that it's serious enough for them to believe it's serious or it's nothing I should worry about and my husband should be off the hook for any support. I'm not interested in proving this to anyone in this discussion. Maybe that's interesting or important to you but it feels to me like you're missing the point.

I have felt disappointed in his level of attention to what feels to me like a significantly terrifying and worrisome situation. I have felt sad and lonely not being able to talk to the person with whom I share a home and a family and a life. It is what it is, I realize.....but it has sucked.

I'm going to stop responding now and let the conversation wind down because several of the comments feel like another stressor that I don't need right now. Thanks to the people who have offered thoughtful replies. I appreciate those different perspectives, which is what I was after.

[Anonymous]

You don’t seem to be getting what you want from this thread, which makes me think your conversations with you husband are similar. None of us can give you what you want. Talk to your therapist.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. There are plenty of great men out there you can date.

[Anonymous]

Men stop loving you as soon as you become ill. Divorce and work with a lawyer to ensure he doesn’t get a dime from you for as long as possible. F him!!!

Do not be surprised if he’s on dating apps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this tumor cancer?

I have 3 tumors in my body all being watched. Tumors are very common some are more serious than others OP. Be clear.

It's cancer. It's the bad kind of tumor. This is another terrifying health scare for me. I just want to be sure that's clear to you.

Are you undergoing treatment for it now? I don’t understand why they’re waiting months and months for surgery - are they trying to shrink the tumor first?

Agree that your DH must be terrified and this is how he’s handling it.

[Anonymous]

This is probably a slow growing thyroid cancer.

[Anonymous]

It’s obvious we are all distracted by what feels like an atypical approach to treating cancer (i.e. not getting it out). It’s preventing OP from getting the advice she is seeking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you know you need to get your support elsewhere.

I think what is throwing posters off here is that you don't explicitly state malignant vs benign. It's your right to frame the question however you like with as much/little detail as you like but that is what is bringing out the anger/frustration in people here. I wonder if that is the issue with your husband- that he feels this is much hubbub about nothing.

Malignant. It is cancer. I'm guess I'm struggling to understand why NOT saying that so specifically is so frustrating to people in this discussion. I believe I shared enough of the health details to convey that this is a very serious situation **for me** but if someone here disagrees, feel free to ignore the whole thing. I guess I was hoping for more focus on the relationship part of my story and question. I appreciate the comments that have shared different perspectives around that and I have found many of them helpful in how I've been thinking about this.

OP, I am sorry. With this added info- it helps me to confirm that I would be in the dumps with his lack of regard/concern/ability to support you. I'd try to tell myself he was scared too... or was feeling like a victim- instead of focusing on how YOU (in the center of this) feel, that he can only focus on himself. You may survive the treatment/the marriage until your kids are older, but you may not survive the marriage long-haul as it's hard to get the trust back. I hope you find someone else from whom to gain support.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand it’s really hard to not get what you need from your partner when you’re really at a very low and vulnerable point.

My thoughts on reading your posts:
1) you have trauma from your first experience and you are understandably reliving it; it must be incredibly stressful to be returned to that state of vigilance, uncertainty, and fear
2) your husband does not know how to be an emotional sounding board or show emotional support
3) given 1 & 2, you need to get your needs met elsewhere
4) you don’t have many family or friends you can tell so your possible support feels constrained
5) this is part of the pressure you’re feeling about the relationship not being there for you.

It’s a lot.

My advice would be that you need to first accept all of the above and grieve it. You are understandably angry but I think your narrative of blame and anger is hampering you from seeking what you need. Have you ever come across the book True Refuge by Tara Brach? She has some other good ones but this one in particular tracks her own emotions around a chronic and debilitating illness, her difficulties facing her fears and her anxieties, her self-judgment, and the very practical and effective techniques she uses to find inner emotional healing.

I think it’s possible that if you could find the resources for some healing within it would start to be easier to reach out and find a community.

With more support, it might also become easier to see what your husband could provide and ask for it and receive it in a way that makes you feel nurtured. Sometimes when we’re so angry and in need we are actually pushing others around us away instead of giving them space to be there for us. I don’t know if that might be part of the dynamic or not. But it doesn’t matter, because you need to start with the fact that this relationship isn’t giving you what you need. It’s a chance to meet yourself where you are and grieve this hurt and hold yourself. Ultimately in this life we don’t have love without self love.

Wishing you healing.

[Anonymous]

PS you mentioned that he’s dutiful in other respects. His love language may be acts of service, not words or quality time. He may not be able to give you the presence and emotional support you crave. But you mentioned he drove you to appointments and picked up food. Is there anything he can do to help you? Specific actions? Like draw a bath, pick up tea and snacks you need, take over some errands? Those are ways he may be able to quietly show up without fanfare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t seem to be getting what you want from this thread, which makes me think your conversations with you husband are similar. None of us can give you what you want. Talk to your therapist.

If her husband is anything like the posters in this thread then God help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you talked to your doctors about how the waiting is affecting you mentally? If it bothered me to that extent, I would push to get it out sooner rather than later.

The fact you can wait for 2.5 years is an excellent sign that it isn’t as serious as you think. Your doctors may not know that you are in a bad headspace and could either move it up or reassure you.

It's as serious as I think. They do know it's stressful and we have weighed the pros/cons of surgery now/later and I understand their recommended timing. It doesn't mean it isn't hard.

I'm not asking for people to second guess my care team or challenge their decisions with very limited information (realizing I've provided very few details). I have thought a LOT about this for the past 2.5 years and didn't really come here for more discussion about that part of what's been on my mind so I guess I'm a little surprised by so much focus on that. It feels as though I need to prove to some posters here that it's serious enough for them to believe it's serious or it's nothing I should worry about and my husband should be off the hook for any support. I'm not interested in proving this to anyone in this discussion. Maybe that's interesting or important to you but it feels to me like you're missing the point.

I have felt disappointed in his level of attention to what feels to me like a significantly terrifying and worrisome situation. I have felt sad and lonely not being able to talk to the person with whom I share a home and a family and a life. It is what it is, I realize.....but it has sucked.

I'm going to stop responding now and let the conversation wind down because several of the comments feel like another stressor that I don't need right now. Thanks to the people who have offered thoughtful replies. I appreciate those different perspectives, which is what I was after.

He probably has compassion fatigue. 2.5 years is a long time to be treating you as an emergency health situation when there is no emergency.

Lots of people, myself included, have chronic medical conditions. I find that puts enough pressure on my spouse. He may end up raising our children alone or with a severely disabled partner. I don’t burden him with my fears, he has enough of his own. Get a therapist.

[Anonymous]

If you are going to a cancer center, see if you can talk to one of their social workers.
They are good at family issues. It is very common for spouses to be on different pages around illness. Your situation is common (ie, the man can’t cope, so avoids).

If not, then contact the American Cancer Society. A support group would be helpful, so you can talk to others in your situation.
🤗