I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I have a tumor that is slow growing (monitoring for 2.5 years) and that I will have to have removed in the summer. This comes after a cancer diagnosis 10 years ago and going through surgery/chemo/radiation for a year, which was a very difficult time for me/my family (my kids were young at that time, tween/teen now). These two health events are unrelated but have both happened during my marriage.

DH is checked out, is incapable of talking to me about it without the conversation becoming an argument, doesn't understand that I am practically consumed with worry thinking about this and that waiting is as hard as days I have scans and Dr. appointments. Having had a previously terrifying heath scare, even though it turned out okay, brings all of that fear back up again, plus the added stress of a new situation. I don't want to die and leave my kids without their mom.

I have told him that I wish I could talk to him about my fear, sadness and worry but if I don't raise the topic, he never does. I stopped for a while because I could tell he was getting frustrated with me (he said it's "challenging" to talk to me) and many, many months went by before I couldn't take it any longer and told him that I was disappointed and feeling very alone with this. He didn't handle that conversation well and was very angry.

I am so hurt by his indifference and don't know what to do with it. I had never thought I would want to divorce him and although our marriage is far from perfect, he's a good husband and father in all the obvious/important ways (no infidelity, financially responsible, shares household responsibility, etc.).

I'm already seeing a therapist; DH won't go so couple's therapy is off the table. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

He's probably terrified. I'd talk to a therapist instead of him.

[Anonymous]

What do you want from him exactly? Is this cancer tumor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's probably terrified. I'd talk to a therapist instead of him.

This op his terrified of losing you

Scared for the kids

Traumatized by the last time and he doesn't know how to express those emotions so it comes across as anger.

A therapist is a good idea to process your own feelings and how to deal with your husband and kids.

Ideally everyone would be in something. Would he do family therapy for the kids?
Your doctor's office and treatment center should be able to help setting this up.

[Anonymous]

He’s heartless. Someone needs to take him behind a woodshed and have a heart to heart talk with him. If he won’t listen to you he might listen to someone else. If this happened to me I’d likely ask my dad for advice. My husband respects him but he also knows my father is not someone you cross when it comes to his children and grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Is this tumor cancer?

I have 3 tumors in my body all being watched. Tumors are very common some are more serious than others OP. Be clear.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs. He’s scared and dealing with it differently than you are. I’m glad you have a therapist. Work with them.

I am sorry for all of you. Wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

All oncology nurses have stories about men leaving their wives due to cancer.

If I were you, I'd beat him to the punch. If my DH is scared but can't deal with that while being supportive, he isn't worth much to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this tumor cancer?

I have 3 tumors in my body all being watched. Tumors are very common some are more serious than others OP. Be clear.

It's cancer. It's the bad kind of tumor. This is another terrifying health scare for me. I just want to be sure that's clear to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's probably terrified. I'd talk to a therapist instead of him.

This. Some people just are not good in these situations.

Wishing you the best of luck and a + outcome, OP. Is your therapy focused a lot on DH? I think therapy focused on CBT or DBT and managing your anxiety would be more useful and also would be good for your immune system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All oncology nurses have stories about men leaving their wives due to cancer.

If I were you, I'd beat him to the punch. If my DH is scared but can't deal with that while being supportive, he isn't worth much to me.

This is really awful advice. Why would you rock your kids’ world even more at this time?

[Anonymous]

But if this isn’t going to be removed until the summer then they are not thinking cancer, correct? OP it sounds like you have PTSD from your previous experience, very understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want from him exactly? Is this cancer tumor?

I want to be able to talk to my spouse about how scared and worried I am without him getting angry at me (as though he thinks I did something to cause this just to annoy him). I also want him to ask me how I'm doing once in a while. I want to feel seen during a difficult time, and not ignored.

I think my expectations are pretty realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this tumor cancer?

I have 3 tumors in my body all being watched. Tumors are very common some are more serious than others OP. Be clear.

It's cancer. It's the bad kind of tumor. This is another terrifying health scare for me. I just want to be sure that's clear to you.

You have been monitoring a cancerous tumor for 2.5 years? I am (obviously) no doctor - is this typical procedure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want from him exactly? Is this cancer tumor?

Is this cancer? It doesn't seem like it is because you mentioned 10 years ago you had cancer. And if it is cancer why aren't they removing it since you've had cancer in the past? What kind of cancer tumors are we talking about here?