I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a tumor that is slow growing (monitoring for 2.5 years) and that I will have to have removed in the summer. This comes after a cancer diagnosis 10 years ago and going through surgery/chemo/radiation for a year, which was a very difficult time for me/my family (my kids were young at that time, tween/teen now). These two health events are unrelated but have both happened during my marriage.

DH is checked out, is incapable of talking to me about it without the conversation becoming an argument, doesn't understand that I am practically consumed with worry thinking about this and that waiting is as hard as days I have scans and Dr. appointments. Having had a previously terrifying heath scare, even though it turned out okay, brings all of that fear back up again, plus the added stress of a new situation. I don't want to die and leave my kids without their mom.

I have told him that I wish I could talk to him about my fear, sadness and worry but if I don't raise the topic, he never does. I stopped for a while because I could tell he was getting frustrated with me (he said it's "challenging" to talk to me) and many, many months went by before I couldn't take it any longer and told him that I was disappointed and feeling very alone with this. He didn't handle that conversation well and was very angry.

I am so hurt by his indifference and don't know what to do with it. I had never thought I would want to divorce him and although our marriage is far from perfect, he's a good husband and father in all the obvious/important ways (no infidelity, financially responsible, shares household responsibility, etc.).

I'm already seeing a therapist; DH won't go so couple's therapy is off the table. WWYD?

Has this been biopsied?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this tumor cancer?

I have 3 tumors in my body all being watched. Tumors are very common some are more serious than others OP. Be clear.

It's cancer. It's the bad kind of tumor. This is another terrifying health scare for me. I just want to be sure that's clear to you.

WhoTF monitors a growing cancer tumor for 2-3 years? That’s like go to the medical board malpractice lawsuit.

Such a nasty topic to Troll about Op. so sick of your recycled Reddit topics and your total idiocy of never being able to carry a fake storyline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this tumor cancer?

I have 3 tumors in my body all being watched. Tumors are very common some are more serious than others OP. Be clear.

It's cancer. It's the bad kind of tumor. This is another terrifying health scare for me. I just want to be sure that's clear to you.

It’s so bad you don’t know the name of it. Lol

[Anonymous]

Talking won’t fix the problem. Leave him alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. Is he on the autism spectrum, by any chance? Some of them can seem unemotional. And no, they're not "secretly terrified". They just don't process information emotionally like you or some other people do.

My husband is a doctor and has ASD. I've had health issues where he took charge, being a doctor, but conversations were strictly surgical/medical in nature. There was no emotional support, and indeed, he also was annoyed at my total freakout (entirely justified, in my opinion). I remember it as one of the worst times in our marriage, because I already *had* a medical team. What I needed from my spouse wasn't actually more medical surveillance, but someone to lean on emotionally. He could not fill that role, and that's probably a weakness that many people on the spectrum share.

I leaned on my best friend, who accompanied me to my surgery. I hope you can find support from friends and relatives, OP. Best of luck.

Agree.

If this is a pattern how is ignores issues and shuts down he likely has some mental disorders. You prob already know that though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your doctor waiting 3 years to remove a cancerous tumour? This doesnt sound remotely real

It's not real. I work in the field. Never heard of this gibberish.

The field of all cancer? They absolutely wait to remove some cancers. A slow-growing brain cancer might be monitored to see if it needs removing. Sometimes they grow slow enough that it’s safer to let them be.

[Anonymous]

A bad kind of tumor LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he supportive the first time you had cancer?

I'm a 6 year cancer survivor, and my spouse at the time wasn't very supportive. Our son was under 3 and it was terrifying and isolating. We're still together. If my cancer ever came back I would leave. What is the point of being married if you don't have someone there to support you at your lowest points?

He was more supportive than he is now, mostly with doing "things" like driving me somewhere, or cooking dinner. He wasn't great at talking about it then, but he also wasn't as checked out as it feels to me he is now.

We haven't told extended family, friends, work, etc., yet. I have two friends that know and understand that the inner circle on this is small. They are great but I still feel like I'm wishing I had some support from my spouse so what you said resonates with how I'm feeling right now. Terrified and isolated....and just really sad.

Well now his kids aren’t babies and they are older and verbal. So he can’t keep neglecting and ignoring everyone and life.

He needs to grow up and step up. He sounds like a non-adult who married and breeded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Second primary cancer. My children are adopted so genetic testing isn't needed (thankfully) for them. I have done recently for me.

I had a not great experience in a support group during my last illness, and I also haven't really shared the news outside a couple of friends yet, so I don't feel ready to go to a group thing again.

Oh Lordy the tale grows odder and odder. Adopted babies whilst having cancer.

[Anonymous]

OP ~ you need more people to talk to. Stop fixating on what you can't get from one person. Join support groups, make friends who have had cancer/other health scares. Widen your circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Makes no sense. Waited 2.5 years for surgery knowing it’s cancer? I don’t buy it.

Well, thank you for your medical opinion but I'll stick with my care team's advice on this.

No second or third opinion sought 2 years ago? Fascinating.

[Anonymous]

I would have assumed it was a tumor they were monitoring and now planning to remove/biopsy because it grew and that OP was scared that it might be cancer. That would make way more sense and I know someone who was in this position for 8 years with a thyroid tumor. (Small growth picked up on a scan for something else; wasn't suppressing thyroid functioning enough to require medication, so the plan was monitor and wait. After 8 years it doubled in size and they cut it out. It was cancer, but a VERY slow growing kind that rarely spreads.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am absolutely flabbergasted at the people on husband's side.
The woman has CANCER this isn't the time to be like "do you ask him if he's ok"

Some of you must be raising terrible sons.

Caregiver burnout is a real and terrible thing. Yes, she has cancer, and because of people like you, caregivers are just supposed to sit up and shut up. Sounds like he stepped up last time, and probably will again, but he is also allowed to be tired, angry, frustrated, frightened, sad.

Yes, OP is the sick one, but it also sounds like she has a support network. She is not as alone and isolated as she is forcing herself to be at the moment.

Not really. He played silent taxi cab driver and order in guy.

Know what’s lonelier than an empty house?
A house with a spouse who never talks or has back and forth conversations with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s heartless. Someone needs to take him behind a woodshed and have a heart to heart talk with him. If he won’t listen to you he might listen to someone else. If this happened to me I’d likely ask my dad for advice. My husband respects him but he also knows my father is not someone you cross when it comes to his children and grandchildren.

Yep. Sorry, he needs to man up and this is a time to man up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am absolutely flabbergasted at the people on husband's side.
The woman has CANCER this isn't the time to be like "do you ask him if he's ok"

Some of you must be raising terrible sons.

Caregiver burnout is a real and terrible thing. Yes, she has cancer, and because of people like you, caregivers are just supposed to sit up and shut up. Sounds like he stepped up last time, and probably will again, but he is also allowed to be tired, angry, frustrated, frightened, sad.

Yes, OP is the sick one, but it also sounds like she has a support network. She is not as alone and isolated as she is forcing herself to be at the moment.

Caregiver burnout? It sounds like he's not doing much over his normal routine. I'll bet OP does more around the house.

I don't get the impression at all that OP wants him to sit and shut up. As she described it, he gets mad at her who she brings it up and he doesn't want to hear it. He also refused counseling.

I have no idea why people are making so many excuses for him and picking at the OP about her treatment plan.

This is truly one of the uglier threads on DCUM. There are so many terrible people on here it’s hair-raising.