I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

so I don't feel ready to go to a group thing again

Op -- YOU aren't comfortable communicating ... yet you expect your Husband to communicate perfectly.
It's a hard subject. And people have their limits.
You do. He does.

Ridiculous. You take a short snippet of her post saying that she, THE PERSON WITH THE BRAIN TUMOR, doesn't feel like going to group therapy because of a negative experience last time (and already said she is in individual therapy) and you compare that to her husband, who starts an argument every time she brings up her illness?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that OP cannot lean on her husband in troubled times, and that she has to go outside to deal with her issues. How sad.

I bet if the situation was reversed, OP would be there for her husband.

IMO, he's pathetic.

+1 billion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Second primary cancer. My children are adopted so genetic testing isn't needed (thankfully) for them. I have done recently for me.

I had a not great experience in a support group during my last illness, and I also haven't really shared the news outside a couple of friends yet, so I don't feel ready to go to a group thing again.

Oh Lordy the tale grows odder and odder. Adopted babies whilst having cancer.

They were adopted BEFORE my diagnosis. Why is that odd to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Makes no sense. Waited 2.5 years for surgery knowing it’s cancer? I don’t buy it.

Well, thank you for your medical opinion but I'll stick with my care team's advice on this.

No second or third opinion sought 2 years ago? Fascinating.

Who said I didn't get a second opinion? I did. Those two doctors are now both part of my care team. I do not have a shortage of medical care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's probably terrified. I'd talk to a therapist instead of him.

This.

Also, caretaker fatigue could be a factor. The more intense the first or main battle, the fewer reserves the caregiver has latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am absolutely flabbergasted at the people on husband's side.
The woman has CANCER this isn't the time to be like "do you ask him if he's ok"

Some of you must be raising terrible sons.

Caregiver burnout is a real and terrible thing. Yes, she has cancer, and because of people like you, caregivers are just supposed to sit up and shut up. Sounds like he stepped up last time, and probably will again, but he is also allowed to be tired, angry, frustrated, frightened, sad.

Yes, OP is the sick one, but it also sounds like she has a support network. She is not as alone and isolated as she is forcing herself to be at the moment.

Caregiver burnout? It sounds like he's not doing much over his normal routine. I'll bet OP does more around the house.

I don't get the impression at all that OP wants him to sit and shut up. As she described it, he gets mad at her who she brings it up and he doesn't want to hear it. He also refused counseling.

I have no idea why people are making so many excuses for him and picking at the OP about her treatment plan.

This is truly one of the uglier threads on DCUM. There are so many terrible people on here it’s hair-raising.

It's making me a little sorry I started the discussion but I do appreciate the constructive and honest comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's probably terrified. I'd talk to a therapist instead of him.

This.

Also, caretaker fatigue could be a factor. The more intense the first or main battle, the fewer reserves the caregiver has latter.

She said she has tried to bring it up 5 times in 2.5 years and he won’t engage. If that is “caregiver fatigue” then I’m a monkey’s uncle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all those “watching” a tumor, why don’t you get that sucker removed ASAP?

Some possibilities:

In a difficult to remove location so surgery could be risky your life or quality of life.

Not considered medically necessary yet so insurance won’t cover and people don’t have $90k sitting around.

[Anonymous]

Op is a troll. You gullible people.

[Anonymous]

I react with anger when I am afraid. I get mad at the person who is scaring me. They could be emotionally scaring me. Not physically.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry about your situation and will pray for you.

I haven’t had a serious illness, but I’ve watched my DH lose both his parents and deal with other hard things in our life. He seems incapable of processing strong emotions at all. I know he has them, but he won’t feel them, and runs from them. His emotions are expressed only as happiness or anger: happiness if he likes the feeling, and anger if he does not. I’m sure there is something in his upbringing that caused this.

If you love him and he is good in other ways, you might just need to look to friends or other family for emotional support. He likely loves you very much and is scared and doesn’t know how to process it. It really sucks for you that he is this way in your time of need, though. If I ever get sick I know I’ll be in your shoes. Take good care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am absolutely flabbergasted at the people on husband's side.
The woman has CANCER this isn't the time to be like "do you ask him if he's ok"

Some of you must be raising terrible sons.

Caregiver burnout is a real and terrible thing. Yes, she has cancer, and because of people like you, caregivers are just supposed to sit up and shut up. Sounds like he stepped up last time, and probably will again, but he is also allowed to be tired, angry, frustrated, frightened, sad.

Yes, OP is the sick one, but it also sounds like she has a support network. She is not as alone and isolated as she is forcing herself to be at the moment.

Caregiver burnout? It sounds like he's not doing much over his normal routine. I'll bet OP does more around the house.

I don't get the impression at all that OP wants him to sit and shut up. As she described it, he gets mad at her who she brings it up and he doesn't want to hear it. He also refused counseling.

I have no idea why people are making so many excuses for him and picking at the OP about her treatment plan.

This is truly one of the uglier threads on DCUM. There are so many terrible people on here it’s hair-raising.

It's making me a little sorry I started the discussion but I do appreciate the constructive and honest comments.

Not only are they mean, but they clearly have no reading comprehension skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard as hell to go through this—for the patient AND for the spouse.

OP, what does he say when you tell him you need him to do xyz things that you need?

So far, nothing much. Right now I want to be able to talk to him and feel like he understands that I am worried and a little support would sure be nice. I am intentionally not telling a lot of others in our lives for some specific reasons. I don't have a big family, my parents have both passed, my sister is dealing with a very significant health issue with my niece right now and there is nothing happening immediately for me so I don't want to add this to what she has to think about. I'm definitely not ready to tell work so I don't want to tell anyone that might share the news, say something on social media, etc., and I'm not ready to tell my kids until I am preparing for surgery. I realize I am limiting the support I could get but these are the choices I'm intentionally making for reasons that are important to me so I'm not going to change them now.

I realize it's hard to be someone's sidekick on a cancer diagnosis and that he is going through something, too, but it sure feels disappointing that he is unable to have a conversation with me about a big thing like this. We spend more time talking about watering our plants than we have talked about my health scare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy, lay off the OP on the waiting to remove tumor thing. Depending on the location sometimes they may need to do radiation or chemo to shrink it enough before operating.

OP, I'm sorry that you're not getting the support you need from your husband. What you need and want are all reasonable. I hope he gets enough of a change of heart and see a therapist at least. *hugs*

Not for 2.5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy, lay off the OP on the waiting to remove tumor thing. Depending on the location sometimes they may need to do radiation or chemo to shrink it enough before operating.

OP, I'm sorry that you're not getting the support you need from your husband. What you need and want are all reasonable. I hope he gets enough of a change of heart and see a therapist at least. *hugs*

Not for 2.5 years.

Yes, actually, for 2.5 years. If you don't like a fact in the story, just move on. I'm not asking for medical advice from a people online who aren't part of my care team so I haven't shared all the details of the diagnosis and what I've done so far. But right now we are waiting, which is hard.