That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family

[Anonymous]

Have your Dh ask for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel I should clear up some confusion. My DH and I have an excellent marriage and I always had a great or at least I thought relationship with my mil.

I am learning that based on MIL's words I am not family only blood family matters therefore since I don't qualify as family I am forever off the hook for family functions. DH is free to go see and talk to his mother as he pleases as I would never try to interfere with that. If he chooses on his own to cut bad due to her unkind words to his wife he's a big boy that's his own decision.

Since blood is so important with her and I'm not family her words. I will give her all the time in the world to be with her "real" family her blood family. I will focus on my "real" blood family during those visits. If she asks DH where I am well mom you told my wife she isn't family and that only blood counts so she is giving you that time with your blood family and she is spending time with her blood family. Surely you can't expect her to put you ahead of her blood since according to you blood is more important?

Cards, gifts, reaching out, shopping trips, phone call and texts will now all be DHs responsibility.

It's not being petty or playing games it's simply listening to MIL's words and proceeding with the relationship accordingly. Focusing my energy on people who don't speak unkind to me and really value me and my feelings as a human.

They always were, dum-dum! Why did you pick up that rope? I don’t send MIL gifts, she’s not my mom. My husband has a calendar and a credit, like a big boy! Wow!

You sound like lots of people probably hate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just funny about recipes.. I don't think you should take it so seriously if everything else about the reliationship is fine.

Agree. Hopefully she just answered the recipe request awkwardly. We don’t always know how our words hurt someone.

If this was a one off, just tell her that it hurt your feelings and see how she responds before withdrawing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel I should clear up some confusion. My DH and I have an excellent marriage and I always had a great or at least I thought relationship with my mil.

I am learning that based on MIL's words I am not family only blood family matters therefore since I don't qualify as family I am forever off the hook for family functions. DH is free to go see and talk to his mother as he pleases as I would never try to interfere with that. If he chooses on his own to cut bad due to her unkind words to his wife he's a big boy that's his own decision.

Since blood is so important with her and I'm not family her words. I will give her all the time in the world to be with her "real" family her blood family. I will focus on my "real" blood family during those visits. If she asks DH where I am well mom you told my wife she isn't family and that only blood counts so she is giving you that time with your blood family and she is spending time with her blood family. Surely you can't expect her to put you ahead of her blood since according to you blood is more important?

Cards, gifts, reaching out, shopping trips, phone call and texts will now all be DHs responsibility.

It's not being petty or playing games it's simply listening to MIL's words and proceeding with the relationship accordingly. Focusing my energy on people who don't speak unkind to me and really value me and my feelings as a human.

They always were, dum-dum! Why did you pick up that rope? I don’t send MIL gifts, she’s not my mom. My husband has a calendar and a credit, like a big boy! Wow!

You sound like lots of people probably hate you.

You sound like a woman with internalized misogyny who hates herself.

[Anonymous]

My MIL makes a calendar using family photos last year. Everyone was in it except me.

[Anonymous]

OP I had that moment at my own marriage celebration that we paid for. My MIL wanted a bunch of photos we paid for of "just the family." Not one mind you, but a whole photo shoot in various locations and positions. That meant her, her kids, no spouses, no ex-husband even though he was father to her children and no step-mom. She then requested filters to make them extra beautiful-that we paid for. My husband was livid, but I didn't want a scene to breakout.

Anyway our marriage lasted, but MIL's relationships with her children did not so she ended up ripping up all those photos in moments of anger in front of her children. I'm just glad we have a happy marriage and I hope I will be far more welcoming my childrens' spouses.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous

They always were, dum-dum! Why did you pick up that rope? I don’t send MIL gifts, she’s not my mom. My husband has a calendar and a credit, like a big boy! Wow!


You don't attend vacations with MIL then either do you?

[Anonymous]

Cutting off an otherwise good relationship with your MIL over a recipe seems asinine. MIL said something hurtful so offer her grace, Use your words and have the big girl talk with MIL about it and then move on. get the recipe from the niece.

[Anonymous]

A family picture was being taken at an event and no one came to get me. I asked mil and she said it was only for blood family and I didn’t count. Well then she shouldn’t have either cause she also married into family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I had that moment at my own marriage celebration that we paid for. My MIL wanted a bunch of photos we paid for of "just the family." Not one mind you, but a whole photo shoot in various locations and positions. That meant her, her kids, no spouses, no ex-husband even though he was father to her children and no step-mom. She then requested filters to make them extra beautiful-that we paid for. My husband was livid, but I didn't want a scene to breakout.

Anyway our marriage lasted, but MIL's relationships with her children did not so she ended up ripping up all those photos in moments of anger in front of her children. I'm just glad we have a happy marriage and I hope I will be far more welcoming my childrens' spouses.

Man, she sounds so selfish and nuts, glad your spouse saw through what she was doing. Mind doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The moment of non blood relative or outsider or totally rude self-centered in laws?

When we went to their home 3000 miles away and all the framed pictures, screensavers, and magnets were only of their sons with the grandkids. No wives or full family photos.

It literally looks like their sons are widowed or divorced with kids.

Yuck. How odd. Do people every come over to their house? If no wives were in any of the photos I too would some those sons were divorced.

Aren’t most parents proud their adult kids are married with a family? I actually wouldn’t assume she was a freak who only puts up photos without spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very dramatic post. Why do you care what she thinks about you? And stop acting like a martyr with your DH. He should absolutely have your back by expressing his anger towards his mother and not engaging until she apologizes.

This post is not dramatic. The OP calmly states what happened and the describes her feelings.

OP is anything but calm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was rude, she was wrong, I understand why you are upset.

Also, if she's been a good MIL and you have had a good relationship up until now, for five years, do you really think all that should be out the window because of pie?

You might make a mistake one day, think about that.

Jesus H, people. It's not the PIE. It's the sentiment and how low regard her MIL holds her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel I should clear up some confusion. My DH and I have an excellent marriage and I always had a great or at least I thought relationship with my mil.

I am learning that based on MIL's words I am not family only blood family matters therefore since I don't qualify as family I am forever off the hook for family functions. DH is free to go see and talk to his mother as he pleases as I would never try to interfere with that. If he chooses on his own to cut bad due to her unkind words to his wife he's a big boy that's his own decision.

Since blood is so important with her and I'm not family her words. I will give her all the time in the world to be with her "real" family her blood family. I will focus on my "real" blood family during those visits. If she asks DH where I am well mom you told my wife she isn't family and that only blood counts so she is giving you that time with your blood family and she is spending time with her blood family. Surely you can't expect her to put you ahead of her blood since according to you blood is more important?

Cards, gifts, reaching out, shopping trips, phone call and texts will now all be DHs responsibility.

It's not being petty or playing games it's simply listening to MIL's words and proceeding with the relationship accordingly. Focusing my energy on people who don't speak unkind to me and really value me and my feelings as a human.

I would do the same thing. Anyone who would rather protect a recipe vs. a humans feelings deserves what they get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's family get togethers seat blood relatives together and in-laws at separate tables when there is assigned seating. My joke about MIL was that I was just a grand child delivery device but she expects me to be open and loving to her, but have the discretion to point out when I am and am not counted as family. It is exhausting and over decades turned into me just being super polite but distant with her which she complained about. It is particularly hurtful as she's viewed by people in the extended family and their town as the kindest most caring person always looking out for others so i've always felt kind of crazy about how she treated me

I am completely fascinate that any adults put up with this.